27 Apr 06: Lost At Desert

Haven't been writing, because... well, because. Because at the moment there's nothing to tell. Because I'm back to square one: the solution didn't arrive while I was being helped, we ran out of time, and now I have no help and no solution in sight, so should just come up with all this on my own. Just buckle up, get up and get a life. Because all other options are gone.

And I'm still not able to. Sorry, but I am not.

Have booked to go to an SCA event for the weekend plus May Day, but am - as usual - terrified and unprepared. I mean, what am I doing there anyway? Really? Also not able to give oneself leave to enjoy it anyway, as have missed social service appointment twice, not filled support application for this month as a result, and forgot my customer number for paying bills online (which I finally decided to switch to). Should absolutely take care of all that tomorrow, before the month is over, and before leaving. Have messed up sleeping rhythms again, so what are the odds of that happening? (Besides, every time I kick myself in the butt and get myself to some event that I kind of want to go to but fear, it ends up being just as awful as I feared. Witness this week's Taiga dance club. Nice music, nice performance, sure, but not dancing nor drinking is miserable and stupid.)

Have done a lot of thinking, yes - even stuff I should have written about - but because of shame for lack of action, haven't wanted to write about the non-action action either.

Been re-watching season four of Buffy, as got it on video, in kind donation from the Q's. Noticed have changed a lot in some senses: now want a man exactly like Riley, not any of those dark, brooding, troubled ones. (Why on Earth did he get such a bad rap? He's perfectly wonderful, and the way he was written off was ridiculously contemptuous of the character. Oh well, he was too good for someone as dumb as Buffy anyway.) (Spike, as we may remember, I never found attractive anyway - oh, he's a great character, and the actor's very skilled, but as a boyfriend? No way. Season four reminded me particularly well of how twisted and... and petty he is.) So, someone nice. Someone good.

But even so, it doesn't exactly hurt my improved opinion of Riley that he's in great shape and can take charge if needed. I still can't get past the appearance thing. And I still can't get past it in myself either, but it's still another of those things I don't buckle up, get up and do something about. And it really, really shames me. I don't want to go out of the door, far less to an SCA event. I don't care that I don't look like a movie star, I'd just like not to look like a loser. To anyone, and particularly not in the context of trying to find someone (and yes, I know I should get my life in shape first and worry about potential someones only then, sure).

So, nothing new. Lost in the desert as usual, and just as clueless about those mystical maps to survival, contentment and adult life, in some order, as before.

22 Apr 06: Activies & Lack Of Same

Been lazy, had a lingering cough, days escape from notice. Went to see bro's new project, Kaukaa Haettua, a mixture of folk-based modern dance, music, and... well, stuff. It's interesting and funny and intensive, and I loved it though I didn't expect to, at first. Recommended. Also reconnected with a few people I hadn't seen in far too long a time, which was nice.

Roleplaying Firefly today was also satisfactory, though I tend to have problems staying in one place while playing. I don't know if it's impatience or stress or what, but I have to do something about it. Maybe I could try to take some sewing along, again. Though I won't be able to make it to the next session, in two weeks' time - will be elsewhere (but it's all right, as my character would be on an assignment anyway).

Otherwise, not much. Feeling generally ill at ease. Maybe it's only healthy, having been laying low so long with the flu, and will lead to lots of energy and activity. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.

17 Apr 06: ...And Everything Small

While helping with Mirka&Antti's moving on Friday, I overestimated the state of the flu, and have been back to coughing since. But I really was feeling fine...

Mirka bequeathed me a Motorola phone, practically new and with lots of gimmicks and gadgets, including a camera - she said if I could tolerate it, I was welcome to it, since its usage interface had already driven two people bonkers. It certainly is very different from the Nokias one's used to, but at least the battery doesn't run out all the time, and the camera may come in handy sometimes. The one thing that actually bugs me so far is that it doesn't know how to give the caller's name when the number's saved to the SIM instead of the phone's own memory. At least I couldn't find any help for it in the manual... Not that it's a life-threatening problem, and I'm really grateful for a new phone - the old one was pretty hopeless already.

Haven't moved much; couldn't get one's confidence working enough to make it to family dinner yesterday, and the cough was a good excuse. Reading. Unhappy with oneself and with friendship things that turned out to be not okay, despite hoping otherwise.

16 Apr 06: Dreams vs. Life, Rematch Infinity

Been having Dreams with a definite capital D, again. The night before, secret agent adventures in French countryside, and then later sheer pornography for the morning wakeup - but the part that stayed with me; the most rewarding, most erotic one; came before the bare flesh combinations. I was in a larp, as so often before: high fantasy, playing a high noble, going into a tryst with a foreign maharadja. The situation didn't even have time to get particularly intimate before other events interrupted it, but that wasn't even important: the validation was. That someone would play with me actively - the other party initiated the encounter, not me; find me acceptable enough and not avoid me because I was too old or too weird or too fat and ugly... just play. Allow me to be a romantic heroine just in story. Not avoid. Not reject. And that was enough (the player of the maharadja was not someone I would find interesting in real life, nor was that the point).

Yes, it is a real concern for me in LARPs these days. It's not like I'm looking to use any game romantics as an excuse for anything else - those times are years gone by (not that I ever looked for such excuses!). I would just like to play in great romantic, dramatic stories. Just stories. I'm picky about my interests anyway, and have grown pickier with any possible dalliances as well.

(For example, at the moment there are a couple of casual possibilities within reasonable reach, but I realised I don't want to even try them. What's the use, if I know they're not It? I'm not going to waste my time on trying to make myself desire someone I don't, or desiring someone who certainly wouldn't fit my plans..)

So, anyway, just to have an emotionally satisfactory game where I'm not pushed to the sidelines from the start, was a dream so powerful that it made me tingly for all day.

Last night was not as happy, but powerful all the same. I was running from kidnappers through Helsinki (transformed with dream logic into a true metropolis), first on foot, then with the help of a bicycling stranger, then - when the kidnappers had falsely enlisted the police in finding me - by metro. Station by station, I inched towards safety - and backwards in time as well. When me and a few hangers-on I'd acquired in the train stepped off at Kontula, I knew we'd gone somewhere where I could maybe go and meet myself while I was living there, and ask for help. Well, naturally the time warp was not that simple, and lots of mayhem ensued, where it eventually became clear that this was a huge plot by maybe twelve people I knew who'd got together for world domination. By following the metro tracks transformed by a special computer program (made by one of the people I'd gathered from the train) I was able to find their lair, and an epic battle began. Unfortunately, throwing the baddies down from their control room balcony only caused lots of frustration and fear, as they conveniently refused to die, having been able to become supervillains in various ways. Finally all I could do was escape by flying, chased by the baddies for a long time, until I finally found a mystical sword buried in the forest that responded to my flying over it (which also woke me to the fact I was a phoenix) but that I could only awaken by giving it all of my lifeforce... So I did, and died, and the sword was taken up by a friend who had been undercover in the supervillain operation, and I knew it was going to be okay (except I was ambivalent about it being that particular person, because in real life they are one of the people I feel I've lost, but I guess in my dreams I'm more magnanimous than I manage to be in reality). And then I didn't die, after all, because it was also just a larp. Except real. And all was well.

These always sound silly and boring when I try to describe them. And I leave out most of the small events anyway. But it mattered. To me. It wasn't fun at all - it was fearful and desperate and confused - but it was big and meaningful and I didn't give in.

How could life possibly compare?

13 Apr 06: Spring

It's here, then; no pretending otherwise. Spring, life, nakedness, demands. And yet it doesn't feel too terrible. At least not yet.

Flu seems to be easing a bit. May be able to tolerate family during Easter. Today, I'm still determined to stay in and watch Everwood (yeah, I'm a big sop, so what?) and try and finish The Little Friend by Donna Tartt (I hate the story but it's still impossible to put down - the language, the descriptions, are altogether magnificent...).

10 Apr 06: Gah

Ill, again. Seems the real flu was only biding its time. Sucks. Throat hurts. Head hurts. Cold. Must sleep (even more).

Friday was good, Saturday was good. Found lovely fabric. Found a first-rate lambskin to add to the SuoLi props, really cheaply. Had an inspiring and reassuring preparatory session, creating characters for Topsu's Firefly campaign. Am all excited about it. Then, on Sunday, exhaustion hit, and then the flu.

I'm not feeling so down, really, just ill, and have to sleep most of the time. Hoping it won't drag on for long. Duly reminded that vitamins and exercise are needed to stay healthy, and they don't happen simply by thinking about them.

07 Apr 06: ...Morning

Well, it seems the worst slump might be over for this one. I feel able to move and communicate again, maybe even do something worthwhile. Let's hope the feeling actualises in some form. Must go pay some bills; am thinking of making it to town, even.

(And managed two phonecalls - to the social office lady to explain last week's absence and to get a new appointment, and to the place that makes the personal rehabilitation survey to let them know I could come in at a short notice, if they have cancellations, to get it done sooner. Now to town!)

05 Apr 06: More Books

More SF nominees online by now. Asimov's website has those Hugo and Nebula nominees that were published in the magazine. (I haven't read the two Nebula stories yet, but I must say I was not particularly impressed with their Hugo offerings. Only the McDonald story was somewhat interesting, and I'm very disappointed in the Willis. I generally love Connie Willis, but this one was a tired rotation of her most worn gimmicks. Of the two short stories, the Levine was acceptable, though not great, and the Resnick was incredibly unoriginal.) And the Hugo nominee page has links to most of the rest. ("Magic for Beginners", "Identity Theft" and "Singing My Sister Down " are nominees at both the Hugos and the Nebulas, "MfB" and "I, Robot" also at the British SF Awards, as noted before. And no-one still has explained the triple nominee to me.)

(Me, I'm no better or worse than before.)

03 Apr 06: No, No Better

Couldn't make it on Saturday. Partly the stupid cold, partly staying up stressing (with lots of hot rooibos though) the night before. Should have incapacitated oneself with a sleeping pill, but I never get to that when I'm panicking about the next morning, no matter over what. So by dawn I was exhausted and throatachy and unable to even think of getting up, far less dressing up. Besides, I didn't want to give my cold to anyone else, which is almost inevitable when dancing hand in hand.

Yesterday, I let Mom arrange to get me to Kerava, was fed and pampered and no longer throatachy but still generally tired, unable to concentrate, and achy in that odd way where actually nothing hurts, but everything is uncomfortable anyway. Had a long and unhappy phonecall. Slept badly even after one-and-a-half sleeping pills.

Today, at home, the wounds are again ripped raw and I want to die. Not that anyone fucking cares anymore. I'm miserable and understandably no-one can be bothered any longer, and it's not fair.