28 Apr 07: Approximating Normal

This has been a... well, an okay day. Not a fantastically good day, but basically very much okay. I went to town to see Lissu (with small mishaps on the way, still) and to catch Dad really quickly before they headed back home; also saw P&P at the same time, which was good, too. Lissu and I had really first-class latte (well, I did - Lissu had soup and tea) and did lots of window-shopping. I tried to find a jacket, but couldn't, and so bought myself a book. I mean, I can finally start buying books occasionally, can't I? At least paperbacks, and at least once in two months or so?

So I dithered, and finally bought Olympos by Dan Simmons, because I have the first part, and I want to know how it all goes. But when I've got somewhere with studies, I'll definitely buy the omnibus of The Braided Path by Chris Wooding. And Ilario by Mary Gentle. And Temeraire, but I wasn't going to pay as much for that one as a book twice as thick. It was really overpriced, no matter how much of a bestseller it's been.

Oh, apropos studies - I dared the library yesterday. And got through the really dense introductory essay that I had been avoiding for months. And made notes. And am mostly over the fear.

Yay me!

Also had a productive meeting later in the day, and now feel I've done what I promised to do as regards a project later in the summer - well, at least the biggest part of that particular duty. I still need to do some more stuff, but even that will be just a one-time deal.

And tonight, walking the dog while listening to radio on the phone that Dad gave me (it's not new, but it will do for now, and it does have the radio for those boring walks). The moon was white, and there were glitters of frost in the ground, so after that, I was really happy to go to the sauna. And now I'm ready for bed, with the luxury of choosing from three books to accompany me! And so I feel all accomplished and mostly normal. (Though I guess "normal" would actually include being out partying on a Saturday night. But, well, this must do for now. At least I didn't spend the evening brooding on some such ideal.)

27 Apr 07: Significantly Useless Information

I hate my hair. It just won't survive perms no matter what I do (well, it would barely survive perming, but the real killer, I suppose, is putting it up for attaching false hair - I always seem to abuse it too badly at that stage...). Anyway, I hate it, the top layer's frayed really short again, and I don't know what to do. I look really stupid.

And I still have nothing to wear.

(Night) I took Dad&S-T to see Viimeinen juna länteen ("Last train to the west") at the National Thatre. It was nice to get to know what people are talking about, but as a play it was not too impressive, unfortunately. Still, it felt good to go to the theatre with them. And there was this lovely cameo role, an old woman who was a Kalevala-style poet-singer, and spoke livvi (Aunus-area Carelian). That was the most interesting part for me. That, and how differently people behave emotionally when in crisis situations - and how they themselves recognise that those are different times.

26 Apr 07: Slightly Upwards, Maybe

As may be guessed by my lack of entries, it hasn't been easy lately. Now, it seems the worst may be over for this one. And I swear not to get any more delusions of being able to make it without the antidepressants until this study thing is over and done with!

Too many things I've promised to do, again.

22 Apr 07: Compromises

Went to Academy and ran my lecture on theatre, though none of the people who would actually have benefited from it the most were attending the event. Went to Åbo by Night, survived karaoke, had a good time. Got lost on the way back to the Academy, ate a very late dinner (which the kitchen had graciously left for me in the fridge), slept over breakfast and so barely saw a glimpse of anyone, either at night or in the morning. Even so, could not have chosen to do otherwise: I would not exchange overcoming this particular fear for practically anything.

Visited Mom today. Now tired, tired, tired. And sad that one can't have everything simply because of practicalities. But still, would not choose otherwise.

I hate arguing with people.

19 Apr 07: Sense Does Not Mean No Hurt

There are still some people who can drive me into a completely unreasonable state far too easily, and that's not good.

Mostly, I know, it's about the sense of being less worthy, not as good... In essense, not as loved, but because love is completely out of reach, even appreciated for some accomplishment. And the worst part is when this feeling strikes when one already feels slighted or wronged by the person in question. That is a combination with which I can't deal at all.

Well, at least I've taken it out and looked at its ugly guts now. Let's see if that helps in the long run.

Too much to do, too little time, too much fat.

...Aaand now for cosmic justice for this multitude of original sins. Somehow, I still didn't need to be cleaning a sick dog's diarrhea off wall-to-wall carpeting just today.

(Night) Feeling much, much better after getting my meds (two months's worth of free samples, courtesy of my general physician!!) and going swimming with Kaisa. Now sewing and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment. Singing still causes anguish, but I think I can manage. And I have at least one half-fitting song that I may even possibly be able to do.

18 Apr 07: ...But Sometimes, Helps

Right. So I will have my meds tomorrow; the doctor agreed to write the prescription without any problems. And I made it to a walk with the dog late last night. And ranting at several people did help some.

Right now, there are too many things I want to do and not enough time or energy to do them all. And the damn karaoke still scares me to death, and irritates, too - I don't want to sing badly.

But now I must get this colouring goo off my hair and then run.

(Night) So now I've tried karaoke. Yeah, I should be happy that I conquered my fear, but unfortunately, it was just as terrible as I feared it would be. So no fun at all, and left me feeling really ashamed and stupid and apologetic for having dared to try and practise more than once after the first time was so lousy (parts of the second went okay, so I thought I was actually getting better, but the third showed me my place again).

And I don't have time to do anything about this.

I really, really wish some people hadn't put me down so thoroughly about music, because that made me unable to sing even by myself to what I was listening, and now I can't hold a tune at all. I know I can if I only get to practise. But now there's no time.

Just shame. And anger, that some people are now proven right, simply because I caved in to their opinion of my musical skills. They said I had none, so now - instead of moderate skills - I have none.

You know, I really think I am quite angry at you. And yes, of course the anger is an attempt to cover up the shame, but even so, it was an ugly thing to do.

17 Apr 07: Giving In Is Bitter

The slide continues, but today it must stop. I tried to avoid doing anything - yesterday, I already decided I was going to the ER to wait for the prescription renewal, but then I chickened out and thought I could get up early and call the Student Health for a reassigned appointment. But of course I didn't. So it's another shameful visit to the ER - no, I haven't got my life together even now, sorry to be a bother, kind doctors, but no, I really can't wait any longer...

Because if I don't do it now, I'm really in a danger of coming to a complete stop. I already screwed up the opportunity to sign in for an exam next week, like I had planned to, and that is Not Good At All.

I hate my life. I hate it that I have to be this dependent on other people's approval even now. I hate it that I haven't managed to form friendships that I could safely use for cushion when I panic about not being good enough in something. I guess that's my own fault, too: wanting approval so much that I try to have too many people in my life and so don't pay enough attention to the important ones. I hate it that I can't seem to be wise and mature about these things.

Why am I talking about relationships when I should be talking about studying? Well, see, even that part seems to be stalling partly because of my fear of disapproval - the gradu tutor's short answer to my apologies and explanations means I don't dare to lean on her or even go to see her if I haven't done stuff, but now I can't even do stuff because it all seems too big and demanding; and the way I couldn't find people to approve of me even among my supposed peers in the study group. Maybe they saw through me and saw that I couldn't get anything done anyway...

And then there's a game that just makes me panic but I had to sign in because I needed to belong in the inside circles of the grownup larpers even though I hate and fear the whole point of the game (and also got typecast into a character that pushes far too many of my insecurity buttons); an SCA event that means work, because I needed the approval of being the sort of person who does things so I could get into the inside circles of the kingdom; dance stuff that I want to do simply to make up for not doing some other dance stuff well enough... All hinging on the need, or lack, of approval. And also, not receiving an answer from Sir Crush - we've been exchanging emails about this and that, so it seems he meant the friendship offer on at least some level, but the one time I say I have nothing interesting to tell and ask him to entertain me instead of just commenting on my stories, he doesn't. So the one time I actually try and ask for something, even if it's only for casual conversation, it's too much. Pretty clear, that. How-de-do's are fine, anything that seems like a demand is not. Put me in my place quite effectively, that did.

And made me feel low and unattractive again.

And I need my friends, and none of them remember me often enough to worry about me right now. I guess I'm just too boring company, after all. Too selfish (even if I've tried to say that it's a reflex that I talk that much, and that I do want to listen - I just don't know how to ask without being too pushy). Too stupid.

And my sense says that this, right here, is no longer healthy, but I can't really feel it. I mean, no-one is here, no-one is here for me, so it must be because I'm not good enough for them. It must be.

But I already checked buses and will go to the ER as soon as possible (it opens at four). I promise.

(Later) Well, I tried the More Correct route and called the health station to ask if they have any urgent appointments free; they never do anyway, but the nurse made me a telephone appointment for my doctor for tomorrow. I just hope she will agree to sign the prescription without seeing me, because I'm not going to wait any longer with it. I definitely am not.

(Even later) ...I hate disagreeing with friends. I really, really, really hate disagreeing with people I thought were My People. And on a completely unrelated, separate matter, too. Nothing to do with me or my insecurities or anything - just completely disagreeing on certain things.

No wonder no-one likes me. I always think wrong, want wrong, or feel wrong.

15 Apr 07: Better, And Not

Seem to have got rid of the flu at least. And yesterday, Moira was here for the fitting of her new dresses, and they seem to be coming along okay. I wrote about them in the sewing diary. Also, today, at the SCA Sunday circle, which was held at our place and enjoyed a huge participation of two, Johanna and I nevertheless made really good progress on the cloaks for visiting royals. So I feel I've been at least a bit productive.

Yesterday's Warhammer session was difficult. I sort of had a hunch it might be time for a dip into panic there, and I was really tired, as I overdosed on coffee on Friday night and so hadn't slept much at all. We were facing a heavily battle-oriented situation, and I was confronted with the full scale of frustration caused by the limits of the magic system in Warhammer. However, other people were patient with my tantrum, and so we finally got to have our adventure, and it wasn't too bad. Except I did screw up royally in exactly the wrong spot, and so my character thinks she failed completely at her objective... but that's just twists to the story, so I have no problem with that. Well - only a small one. Really small, and manageable.

Afterwards, we had some booze and watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2, and I even got a ride home. Full service, as it always seems to be at Ari&Salla's place. I really have to take them something nice sometimes, for my part.

Today was beautiful, but I spent it mostly vacuuming (how can it be such a big effort, when other people seem to manage it quite regularly, not even worth mentioning??) and then sewing. And then being tired and trying to eat the whole world.

So no, emotionally I'm not up at all. On the contrary, I'm quite clearly on the slide, just don't know what to do about it. Too many of the things that could help already feel like miserable demands - either something that's too much required of me, or something that's too bold to ask of the world.

Probably I'm just trying to hide from the vampire karaoke to come, and following the usual self-abusive path, also destroying my confidence in being able to enjoy the Aarnimetsä Academy, or in even getting out of the door.

So far, the most probable course of the next week or two is that I'll end up holing home completely. Finish up Moira's dresses and sent them along with someone else, and let that be a first aid to my feelings of worthlessness - of not being able to accomplish anything; of never being able to lose weight; of never being attractive enough to be loved any longer. I don't want it to go like this, but I am afraid it seems more and more probable.

13 Apr 07: Flu Continues

Slept too long. Yeah, I know it shouldn't be an issue, what with the flu and all, but I was supposed to get this game report done and sent. Didn't. Maybe in a moment.

How can I make even the simplest of tasks grow into a huge ordeal? No wonder I can't get any bigger writing done.

(Night) Got that damn report done and sent just in time, I hope. Also, sewing does feel good again: it's wonderful to see something actually forming in one's hands; to see how it progresses towards an actual result. I never liked sewing as an activity, but I do love the results and the sense of accomplishment in getting to those results.

Damn. Now I want that Italian dress for myself again. Not that I have to worry about it until the Coronation in June, if even then (I won't be at the Baronial Court in the Academy, and I buried any hope of going to Double Wars when looking at my budget for the summer).

11 Apr 07: Well, That Explains Some

Must be the damned flu (cold, whatnot) still lingering. After yesterday's shopping excursions, I've just huddled under blankets and slept, and by now I'm starting to feel less weepy. Except for the frustration of the study stuff, of course.

More later, perhaps.

(Oh yes, and there's going to be sewing in the program later tonight. Which may be something healthy to get me out of this slump.)

(Night) (Though, naturally, that won't be until tomorrow, because the linen needs to be shrunk in the wash first. Bah. Oh well, I can still manage, I think.)

Why is everything interesting happening at the same time??? The Saturday after next, I'd really really like to be in five places at the same time. I'm already going for two, which is going to be trouble, but I'm determined. Except I'm not, not really, because I'm in a complete panic about the vampire-karaoke larp; more than I expected to be; and I'm beginning to pile up stress about the theatre lecture at the Academy as well. And then to find out I could be doing other exciting, useful things in another city entirely does not exactly help.

So I'm freezing up, again.

Last night (or possibly day, during the flu nap), I had a troublesome dream that has kept bothering me all day. It was not completely unprecedented: I've had more than one of these dreams where sex clearly signifies an attempt at some sort of peaceful integration of another level - of trying to make up with someone with whom my relations have not been good for various reasons. In this particular case, however, I don't actually have that much of a drive to forgive or be friends with the person as such; I suspect the impulse came because they have or have had connections to people whom I value, and in one case, these people recently told me this person has become much more agreeable, and in one case, it's just the connection itself that mattered. After awakening, I did not at all like the sense of total acceptance and willingness to please that my dream-self was projecting. It felt like submitting - not in the sexual sense, which is another matter entirely, but in general; accepting this person is my superior. And I'm not ready to accept that. I'm not, dammit! I'm no less worthy than they are!

(Sometimes I manage to wish my heart would be bigger and softer and more open. I'm sure life would be much easier like that. And hate tends to breed hate - even if it's only small grudges and envy - or at least not to foster positive vibes, of which there is too much dearth in the world as is. Sometimes I manage to be big enough to reach for acceptance, even when such acceptance would mean facing my own insecurities head-on.

But only sometimes. So am lots in need of mercy, all of the time.)

(Luckily, the person that was present in my dream is not part of my everyday life. Or much any day life, actually. Thanks for small mercies, I guess.)

10 Apr 07: Still Torn And Scattered

Want to write. Don't want to write the same old navelgazing crap I always do, because I'm frustrated and disappointed at myself right now, anyway. And for no real reason - just dissatisfaction at my own general inadequacies. Which, as we know, are many and varied. But even so, don't want to write about anything completely unrelated, because can only get inspired by things and people I have feelings for. And, of course, should not write about those either, because they are forbidden. Both the people and the things involving them. Or if not forbidden, unwise and embarrassing.

This sucks. I wouldn't want to be the sort of a person who does not get inspired; does not dream, does not desire... but I'd really like to complain about the sort of inspirations included in my current deal. They're neither useful, nor pleasant, nor glorious. Just small and stupid and embarrassing. Like I always am.

The longing for glory and exaltation is there, as always. As always. But how to reach for any of it? I'm tired and worn out for trying to find the rapture in the reaching itself, but even that would be better than this formless frustration.

I spent most of today with Kaisa, shopping and drinking coffee, and it was awfully nice, even if I didn't actually find anything to buy (Kaisa found really nice shoes and two skirts, and I nearly bought a coat, but wasn't quite sure and had to leave it to think overnight). But now I'm back to this cranky, undecisive state, wanting lots of things and unable to actually go after any of them - for lack of ability, for lack of willpower, for lack of belief. Take your pick. I'm helpless and lost and on my knees before the might and rule of spring, and I don't like it. I wasn't supposed to be this effing ordinary.

Should just open up a file and start a story. No matter how crappy, it surely would be better than this whining.

09 Apr 07: ...Continue

How come it's four am again? I just sat here after coming home from a long Warhammer session that we ended earlier than usual even, and now it's suddenly obscenely late, once again. And I'm tired and cranky and weepy, once again. Not that the day was bad: the Warhammer campaign is getting more surprising every time, and I was fed well, too. And I did feel much better in the morning, just as I predicted. How come it's back to this?

But, well, yeah, the Warhammer campaign. It's really doing wonders for my self-confidence as a roleplayer - I'm learning to dare, I'm learning to be decisive, I'm learning that sometimes things do succeed, and even if they don't, there's merit and possibly even unexpected reward in just trying. And all this while not constantly feeling my intelligence and innovation are on trial, like I always used to do with the old elitist guard! Of course that was because I am neurotically afraid and self-conscious, but even so. Even so, this is so rewarding, and therefore, so exciting! I'm a novice player, really, so I'm still at the stage where I absolutely love playing impossibilities, wizards and the like, but that may even be a part of why I find it easier to dare: I trust my character's fictional abilities to make up for my own failures of intelligence, and so don't always freeze up over every decision.

Such fun. I'm awfully grateful to Ari for the opportunity to be in this.

Otherwise, I hate everything, and spring most of all. Except maybe for the damn gradu.

P.S. Though one should be thankful for small mercies. It seems I kinda overdramatised the doubt about a friend's dislike of me, which is nice. And I have a meeting with yet another friend tomorrow afternoon. And I didn't have to return the music CDs I loaned for the camp, so I can listen to banal-but-oh-so-lovely fantasy folk some more, which is really nice, too.

08 Apr 07: The Mysteries of Exhaustion

Went to the camp. It was all nice. Could not participate properly for fear of getting more ill, so no singing, no storytelling. Ran classes, but didn't get from technique to improvisation, so no choreography for the group to perform. Couldn't decide between pieces to do on one's own, so did not choreograph properly and therefore could not use one's abilities to the max and presented a boring, easy-looking dance. Had lots of great and interesting conversations, but at other times talked too much self-centered nonsense. Felt very benevolent towards all those lovely, talented, young performers and very much out of place - not because they made me feel so; I did, all by myself. Feeling very, very stupid and low. It was all very, very nice, and yet I feel like this.

On the other hand, am beyond any measures of tiredness right now, and it seems like a good bet that's why I feel the way I do right now. How is it that even though I generally feel so, so much more mellow, rght now I feel this useless and terrible? No wonder insomnia is such a classic torture devide. Actually, we talked about this at Ari&Salla's place last week, and I said it even then: I go completely besides myself when too long awake, so maybe I'll trust that I will feel better after a long night's sleep.

I wish I could write. At least write, if nothing else. (See: I still think of writing as a substitute only; something that those can try who cannot be performers. The stupid delusion is in my bone marrow, and I don't seem to be able to kick it. A failed actor, then and now and always?)

I don't want to go to bed and wait for sleep - I'm afraid of facing this misery alone, without distractions and curtains, and it doesn't help to know it's only temporary and not real. Not right now, when it's here, this instant, no.

At least there's minimal salve in self-righteousness, getting back to the daily habit of clicking through the Hunger Site network. At least that, and even if done to heal one's own lack of worth, at least it's done for one more day.

05 Apr 07: Encouraged By Nostalgia

Yes, I am in a flu. Yes, so far it seems I can make it to the bard camp and run my classes. Whether I can participate in any of the other fun remains to be seen.

As I'm sure has been evident, I have had a hard time getting myself motivated for the dance workshops, mainly because I haven't had the time or the means to get in shape myself (and so be a good example). However, I got some comfortably familiar music on loan from Ari&Salla and Mikis, which already helped some...

...And right now, before going to sleep, I rewatched the single tape I've ever seen of my choreographies for Ropecon - that sharply overlit tape of the Faerie Tragedy Waltz. And I found myself laughing and crying at the same time. Damn, it was good - and mainly, damn, our ensemble was good. Heli was a marvel of talent and emotion, Päivi was pure in line and so radiant, the Iiskola brothers worked all their considerable charisma and then some (not to mention that neither of them had ever taken a dance class before), the fairies had practiced their butts off and ran courageously into the fray, and the "humans" floated through their waltz parts with such beauty and grace... I am so, so proud of them, and of the whole thing. It was beautiful. They were beautiful.

I only wish the other years were taped, too - despited being overshadowed by "A Kitchen Line", the Gypsy Camp is still my favourite of the shows, because it took so much practice and was technically more demanding to more dancers than any of the other years. I had even more reason to be proud of them all there - and besides, "Belle" is my favourite part of the shows ever (even if the choreography was not quite as exciting as the lyrics). Everyone seems to have a soft spot for Lady Frost's Children in the first year, and it did work surprisingly well - it was novel and compact and and atmospheric. And from what I have gathered, Dr Moebius's Circus At World's End was considered an entertaining spectacle last year, and I was again happily amazed at the talent of some new people in the show.

But for me, it's the Gypsies and the Faerie Waltz that are in my heart. And even if only one-time events, only hobby-level voluntary work, they are still something I created - I, and others, together - that was beautiful and that reached out and tried to touch people, and in some cases even succeeded. So if that was the legacy of the Case of Pining After A Certain Someone, well, then it was all not altogether for the worst. I gained these things from it, to ask of others - of my gracious, much-suffering dancers - so we could give them out there, together. We made something, something real. And realising that is an exaltation so humbling I can hardly breathe for feeling it, feeling it again right now.

Thank you, Divine Inspiration. Thank you.

04 Apr 07: This Is Really Getting Nowhere

It's been awhile since I have had it made this clear to me that someone would rather eat a bag of hot nails than bear my company. Which is rather a pity, as this was someone I thought was a friend. But I guess they find me so revolting that even friendship is a danger. Such a shame. But whose?

Last night, I didn't get to sleep when I was supposed to, and so didn't get up at a reasonable hour. Again. Not that that would have helped, as even after I did get up, I only managed a couple of hours before I had to go and nap until evening, anyway. I've had a splitting headache ever since, and a strong suspicion that I'm coming down with spring flu. Which would not be a good thing for the schedules of this Easter, and would be more than a little ironic about the bard camp.

Hurts. Nothing works. Bah.

02 Apr 07: ...And More Frustration

Now it's not only studying that sucks, but games are getting on my nerves as well. I'd like to unburden here, but I'm pretty certain complaining about these cases aloud would result in too much rumourmongering and therefore overreaction from certain parties. No matter how many times I repeated that these are my private thoughts... So I just have to shut up and swallow.

Though I don't feel at all like it at the moment.

(Night) I wrote another poem, but it's too bad to put up yet. I'll work on it some more.

And it seems I didn't go out and walk the dog tonight either. At least I got out of the door and went to listen to the Perinnearkku jam session, and saw people. Which was good.

01 Apr 07: How To Stop It?

I'm still not giving in completely - no, not even though today finally punched me down with a headache and general misery (well, that's what one gets, munching on nothing but bread and pasta for a couple of days, so I can only blame myself). No, I am going to fight back, and fight to stay afloat. I guess the first thing tomorrow is to book an appointment at the student health service to get more of those dratted expensive antidep's. And return that book about writing the gradu! I've been hanging on to it for ridiculously long.

But, well, this is still not good. I'm still far too deep into fear, not even knowing why.

Late in the evening, when the headache had subsided, went to visit Mom, watched some TV and The African Queen (which Mom had never seen, so it was particularly delightful), and came home with food and stuff again. So, better, a bit.

Trying to think of a way to not stay at the bard camp for all the time - I do have more urgent things to do with my time, and I must say I was severely disappointed at hearing that there are no beds at the site. I'm too old to spend my nights on camping mattresses. And I should be studying.

It does bother me, and more than a bit, that most of the people to whom I feel the closest emotional connections are no longer - or never were - in my most time-consuming hobbies: LARPing and the SCA. I get to see them far too little; time just flies by and they recede and I miss them like mad but don't believe they might want to see me constantly just for me. And so I keep on hanging in this between-state with all of these wonderful people I know, never knowing where to turn to strengthen the ties, and so they all wither.

Reminds me of Carrie Fisher's first book, and how the protagonist said she had everything given to her, but unfortunately, that did not include the ability to handle having it all. Not that I "have it all" as things go, but I do feel very thankful for all of the friends I've made, and it really gnaws me that I don't know how to show it to them often enough, and strongly enough.