You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

30 April 03: Not Good

Been very tired ever since Sunday night. Not much to say. Not anything, really. Been buried under dreams.

Made a promise for a week, for now.

Will see if there is enough energy to go meet people today or not.

27 April 03: End of Tether

I can't deal with this. I've tried so very hard, but it doesn't get any easier, and I can't, not any more.

My life does not get any more meaningful with some tiny bursts of general energy, and the only thing that is meaningful is stupid and painful and not mine. I can't go on with this much of pain and lack of success any more.

What can I do? Dear God, what do I do?

(Much, much later) Tired. So tired. Another trip to the hospital behind us. Don't know what to think or feel.

Except, for some reason, I feel the need to say this: readers, especially you younger ones - I am not the beautiful person you think you see. There is nothing beautiful in me. If there were, a Certain Someone would see it, too. But no, my body is ugly, my mind is dull, and though I've tried to work on the shape of my soul, it has not been enough to compensate. I'm selfish, stupid, obstinate, too quick to anger, lazy and needy - terribly, terribly needy.

Not enough for anyone to love. At least not anyone I could also love, and that is what matters, after all. Somewhere, somehow, I got twisted out of line.

Don't look for anything admirable here. He doesn't.

26 April 03: Typical...

Well, as you can see, I'm not at the game. I overslept, and my ride, not being familiar with my problems, refused to come and pick me up, as it was off the route.

I guess it was only fair, but it does bother me quite a lot.

No, I could not afford the train, unfortunately.

25 April 03: A Hibernation Day

The TV interview was okay, I suppose - at least it's got positive reactions from several people. I, of course, am of the opinion that I looked fat and old, and that is unacceptable.

After getting home from Pasila I went to sleep (after a nice phonecall from a larp acquantaince) and promptly slept until late afternoon. Missing my therapist's appointment in the process.

Why? Why did I not want to go to see Liisa, considering how desperately I wanted the therapy in the first place? I have a theory, but it's... difficult even to talk about it. Actually, I think it was a combination of three completely separate matters. One is in the mess-up of Wednesday's appointment; one is a case of my obstinacy, and one is the need to bury myself from the world after not looking like I wanted to on TV. So, two are immediate; two concern our therapy relationship and its trust - which, to be frank, is still building. I respect Liisa highly, but I don't yet trust her much, simply because I don't really trust that easily nowadays.

(Besides, I actually was terribly tired.)

And I don't want to argue my love with her. I know it is unrequited, I know it is probably based on some deep emotional issues that I would be much better without, etc. etc. blah blah. But I am not willing to let go of the emotion itself. It has been the only good thing; the only spark of creative energy; in my life for the past year or so, and I do not want to let it go. I will not. And she, of course, thinks I'd be better of without something that brings me pain and worsens my feelings of inferiority. But I can deal. I can, simply because I will.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. This emotion, this obstinacy, is probably mostly based on how much A Certain Someone resembles Tommi in many ways, and how I need to deal with the helplessness left by the relationship with Tommi by hanging onto getting The Certain Someone's approval. It's always something as stupid and ugly as that. I'll deal with it, in time.)

So I don't really want to see her. Or, I do, but I'm afraid of taking up this issue, and it can't not be taken up, sooner or later.

Azegiel tomorrow. Feeling fat and ugly and unwilling and insecure. Luckily I don't need to drive, or take the train. If I did, I'd probably just turn back at some stage. I want to go, but I feel lazy and unhappy and about as heavy as a hibernating bear.

Will go to sleep. Will hope that tomorrow is more energetic, or this just won't work.

24 April 03: Diving Back Into Business

Home, sweet home. Loads of stuff to do - the Suitia project, the Ropecon dance projects, sending pictures for tomorrow's morning show (yeah, I'm on TV again: MTV3's "Ihana aamu", if anyone cares)...

Had quite a nice trip. Meeting relatives went pretty smoothly, and once I told my aunt about the past few years, she went from lukewarm to warm and supportive in an instant. It was also nice to revisit some of the places in Kuopio that we used to haunt as children... Staying with Dad and Satu-Tuutu was relaxing, as always - we all ate far too much, but made long walks and even took out the bicycles. Then to Savonlinna, to see Grandma - where I again ate even more - and yesterday, home by express bus.

And oh, it's nice to sleep in one's own bed!

Now I have to get back to those pictures. The picture editor at MTV wouldn't agree to get them herself, if I gave her the url's - she told me to do it and then send them to her as mail attachments. Grrr. It's not like I'm that good at it.

18 April 03: Good Friday

Going now. Will be back on Wednesday, maybe check email and web before that, but unable to update anything.

Happy Easter to all of you. Here's to renewal and rebirth and strength for new beginnings.

17 April 03: More Productions, And Musings On Faith

Got the Ropecon dance plans moving, and at a fair speed, too. Made the application for the connittee to pay for teachers for our first training sessions. Called two nice dance teachers I know and made preliminary plans for their teaching sessions (to get an estimate of the costs). Sent email about the plans to those who were involved or wanted to be involved last year.

Wrote a sheet of notes on "my" characters for the possible next Faerun game - both old ones and those I want to bring in from their contacts.

Met with Noora and then Juho L. about selling or renting costumes for them for T'ien Ming. Reached agreement with Juho already.

Feeling strangely accomplished. But also nervous, as I didn't get moving in time to get my prescription... I notice I am doing pretty well as to energy and general mood, but anything negative - even the possibility of a negative thought -- is a hazard. The negative reactions - shame, self-hate, envy, paranoia - are just waiting to pounce given the smallest bit of a chance.

Not good. Should probably ask Paula's mom (who is a doctor) for help again. Or I wonder if the healthcare centre is open tomorrow morning, and if "my doctor" could write me the prescription anew?

Need to do some sewing stuff, planning to watch some musicals and other videos while doing it.

Planning to keep a candle burning in the red lamp in front of my icons as much of the night as I can.

As I wrote on my Q & A page, I believe - deeply and emotionally - in a personal God who is the source of all life, love, strength and creation. I don't claim to know, so I have no gripe with agnosticism (or even atheism, or different religious views - except when they judge others) for other people. But I, personally believe, in this way, through this one facet of the prism that is Eternity Personified. I also believe in that God creating a bridge - a living, real, never-ending bridge - to human experience and all of this miserable, mortal little humankind in Jesus, his suffering and death and his resurrection. The point is not redemption as such - no, I find that too simplistic and too human-centered - but the fact that the Source of All, the Consciousness much greater and more eternal than we have the capacity to conceive of, wanted to become human; to really feel all the suffering and pain and confusion and fear and sorrow and joy and desire and insecurity we go through; to be one of us. That is what gives me hope for humankind. That we have the chance to grow, not because we believe in God, but because God believed in us.

And that is where redemption becomes meaningful. Not as a ticket to the line of "salvation" simply through the "right" sort of belief... but in the truth that there is rebirth and renewal - for God, for nature, for us - and through that, the chance to drop old weights and start again.

And tonight, I'm trying to remember the pain God went through as a human (or Jesus, an exemplary human, went through). All through, all through the night and the day. And he didn't quit.

It's possible. Strength and redemption are possible. Belief in not only God, but oneself (as the tiniest, most foggy splinter of a mirror of God, because of that belief for us shown in Jesus) is possible. I believe that God believes in me. Not me as someone special, but me as one human being. And that should be enough. I have a chance to be meaningful.

(Much later at night) I started the pile of videos I took up with a re-viewing of "Siamin tytöt"... and you know, despite all the grumbles and mumbles about how clicheic it was both as a depiction of a LARP and as a young people's soap opera... I think it's pretty good. It's highly effective visually, and the issues - not the ones having to do with larping, but the ones having to do with friendship, infatuation, growing up and power games - are very real and present. And even the characters (the actual "players") have more dimensions than seems at first. Jonne, for example, does no end up at all as clearly on Maaret's side as it seems on the first viewing: he's clearly conflicted because of all the confusing messages Ulla has been giving him (partly through Maaret's malicious misrepresentation), and because he isn't quite sure how far he should stick to the unwritten rules of the game, being new and more insecure with it than he wants to appear.

And I particularly like both Ville Kuitunen and Jaska Raatikainen as the male leads. Both are genuine and have a sensitivity to their work that gets through to the viewer. And Elsa Saisio and Teemu Palosaari together are a treat, as they both always are.

I said it in an article in "Larppaaja" after the shooting, but I'll say it again: I was thoroughly impressed with the politeness, friendliness and professionalism of all the main cast. They made me a fan of any work of theirs for good. In addition to the above, I particularly remember Arttu Kapulainen, who was the least self-effacing guy I've ever met, and incredibly nice to boot.

I'm feeling all energetic and completely sleepless, and terribly much in the need of writing loads and loads of emotional twists and turns, in either fact, fiction or poetry. I wonder if these late-night bursts of restlessness are actual creativity or just a form of hysteria. Ever the Fine / No Fine choices...

And of course I am afraid of tomorrow and visiting all those relatives...

I think I'll go and watch another video. Maybe "Hype", if it's bearable - I never saw it, either on stage or on video. If not, there's always "Once More, With Feeling".

...Nah, put the energy into tinkering with my welcome page.

16 April 03: Getting Productive

Damn, I'm starting to do things. Scary. Anyway, proudly presenting etc.:

Taverna II: Heartbreak Hotel.

Will go and reward myself with a few more of those lovely korvapuustis that Tuukka baked for us (well, mainly for Inka, I suppose, but the rest of us, too :)). And then will go and pamper myself further with a sauna...

Spent too much money on flea markets today... but those were such great buys... (Mostly fabrics, anyway. When will I learn?)

Been suffering from a headache most of the day. I wonder if it's because of spending all of yesterday crouching in front of the computer, or because of caffeine withdrawal? (Lots of coffee before and after FIII, up to and including last weekend in all its glorious exhaustion... no coffee since Sunday, and only some tea.)

I'm leaving on Friday to spend Easter with Dad and then with Grandma, dropping on the way to see one of my aunts in Kuopio. I get a ride to Kuopio with Paula's sister (and P&P, of course). It's nice to get out of town for a change, but I'm a bit shy about meeting relatives again, after quite a long time... I still hate talking about what is going on in my life, as there is not that much going on, conventionally measured, at the best of times. I have neither a family, nor a job, nor a title. I just have my dreams, my words, a few shared dreams, and a couple of mountains to dig myself under from.

Not really suitable subjects for a casual how-do-you-do conversation, are they? Not that I have ever been casual in anything anyway. I guess it's time to stop pretending that to my family, too.