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30 Aug 06: Student, Mark III (Now With Added Purpose) I got in. I'm boggled. And, you know, a little hesitant, because believe it or not, I had sort of developed an alternate plan, and it is sort of even better. More uncertain, of course - it would have taken the approval of grown-up pedagogics for employment training, and that I would get this pretty interesting job that I noticed, for the spring. Still, the job would have been just right for me right now. Oh well. This is probably better in the long term. Funny. I really felt that the interview went badly. Huh, just goes to show. 29 Aug 06: A Little Cooler These days sort of disappear somewhere in the fight against the fear. Oh well, only a few days left and then either finally some accomplishment, or back to the drawing board from the beginning. I tried dyeing Auri's silk gabardine, but it turned grey almost instantly (at which moment I quickly took it out and pushed it into the washing-machine). Lesson: don't try to get darker colours by adding black! Black dye is evil! Luckily, the fabric is not too dark yet to be overdyed with proper purple and maybe some rich red. Still, an extra bother. Went to Kerava to watch a French documentary on the ballerinas of the Maryinsky (or however they transcribe it these days). Am glad I went; it was a good documentary, and good exercise for my French comprehension. They'd chosen a good selection of ballerinas at different stages of their career, who were also very different in style and temperament. I particularly sympathised with Evgenia Obraztsova, who clearly was not the pampered baby star at school, but who worked hard during her first years in the chorus and proved that she was a real Dancer, won first prize at the Moscow international ompetition in '05 and then finally was given the chance to show what she was made of as Juliet. What a lovely, lively, expressive dancer! And much more interesting to watch than the baby ballerina in the document - one with too little strength and control for her incredibly long and flexible limbs and too heavy expectations on her shoulders, definitely. I wonder how they are doing now... The weather's changing; Sunday night was still warm, but now the bite has arrived. August is over. 28 Aug 06: This Is Not The Life You Want Well, that's about it for today, really. I realised that just getting things somehow working is not going to satisfy me. Yes, I really really need the Master's degree, but besides that - I want something more. Something else. I don't want to bury myself into small, ordinary life. I want to live. Trying to put this into concrete plans - I want to work abroad. I want to get off my butt and into voluntary work, as I have planned for so long. And - well, other things. But about those... we'll see. 27 Aug 06: Trying To Trick Fear The interview for the finish-your-degree program was awful. There were more than 60 applicants for those sixteen spots, and I only learned then and there that it's not automatically two years, but as quickly out as possible, with two years being the maximum. I'd made my study plan proposal for two. So now that they need to come up with as many excuses as possible for leaving out perfectly good applicants, they can easily state that my motivation is clearly not yet optimal, as I had not bothered to find out about the reality of the timetable (even though it isn't stated anywhere). So I probably won't get in. And if I don't, I'm prohibited from doing anything about my studies for one full year, as I had to sign the interruption announcement at the Uni to be eligible for any employment programs (which this is). I didn't even want to write about it - I didn't want to admit to the possibility that this may not become a success story even now! I felt miserable and wronged. So I made up ways to spend time away from my own life for four full days: spent Thursday night at Kerava, Friday and Saturday with Suvi, and today visited Mirka&co; was fed and entertained and cared for at every occasion, and am now doing much better. Besides, saw Mr. Post-con today as well, and am feeling more relaxed about anything relating to that as well (friendly feelings seem to exist on both sides, and that is just fine). Still, now that I'm home again, the application worry is back. I'll hear by the end of the week, I suppose. Have to try and distract oneself with exercise (these last summer nights are perfect for walks with the dog) and with sewing. Getting Auri's lovely silk gabardine dyed evenly will be an interesting challenge. 22 Aug 06: Paths Taken And Not Sometimes explaining stuff to Mom pays off, if it stops her from imagining more complicated explanations and guilt-trips. Swimming was also good. Two people whom I didn't manage to get to know better for a whole year are now going back to their home country. It's sad how eager I am to promise contact and goos relations and how badly I can fulfill those promises. That's something about the depression that still makes me a little bitter. I may possibly be allergic to mangoes. 20 Aug 06: Geek Pride So, accepted being slower than most people when getting moving, made it to Finncon on both days, had a good time, felt like a normal person - well, a normal geek, but in any case someone with a half-decent brain in their head and a half-working tongue in their mouth. And got a lot of compliments for my generic-Firefly-Companion outfit yesterday, and therefore had the opportunity to preach the Firefly message to at least three youngsters who'd never heard of it (or heard only vaguely). Jeff VanderMeer was very nice and personable and entertaining, Justina Robson sounded extremely intelligent and opinionated and definitely worth reading, and I got to fangirl Cheryl Morgan of Emerald City quite shamelessly. I admire Morgan's intelligent reviewing style above all because she recognises that different books suit different tastes and that the reviewer needs to be able to tell readers what sort of a book it is and what sort of a taste it might be suited for, and that that is almost always more important than trying to determine how "good" a book is. I prefer reviewers who are able to do that kind of categorising to reviewers who stick very strongly to their own pet issues and prejudices. Of course you can learn to siphon those prejudices out and steer your own choices from there, but a) it's easier not to have to do that b) you avoid the human contrariness that tends to arise when someone clearly shows a strong personal bias. I don't like to have someone argue their own issues with me. I like to be told, "This is the sort of a book you might enjoy if you enjoy x or even y, or if you are in the mood for z, but if you hate x or z or any combination of them, you might better like book abc..." That may even get me to try x, y or z, even if they generally are not to my taste at all. It's such a shame that she has to give up Emerald City, but I understand completely. If you're doing something out of your own free time and effort, no matter how good a thing it is, if it takes up more than you've got to give (like, 30-40 hours a week!), it makes no sense to keep doing it. I didn't stay long at the party last night - needed a place to sleep, as I didn't want to go to the night train and walk home in the Companion outfit (I had no jacket or anything). Got a place at the sofa of friends. Found a load of books to borrow, again - which probably saved me today when I finally had time to peruse the book tables. I did give in to temptation a bit, but just a bit. Six books' worth, to be exact. And four of them were really, really cheap old copies. And even the two new ones were really, really cheap. (And Ninni was an absolute darling and gifted me with the new Finnish-translated New Weird anthology!!) What this means is I won't run out of reading for a while. And if - if - I get into the finishing-your-studies program, these books will probably last me until Christmas. Which is sort of terrifying. There are too many unread books in the world, and I can't keep up even now! Paula's cousin Anna-Paula had snatched up a button that said "I Read Too Much", for which I had a serious case of envy. It was great fun meeting her - she turned out to be a total geek, and we bonded over our worry for the quality of book translations and a couple of other things, and I only learned afterwards that she's a huge Star Wars fan as well! I also got to catch up with a couple of other people in ways which made me feel happy. So all in all, I had a good time. And most of all - I felt like someone normal, healthy, functionable. I even started to entertain ideas for a complete overhaul of my pages. I think I need to get a blog script for the diary, as I've come to the conclusion I really want to differentiate between book reviews (and so have an incentive to write proper ones!), sewing news, and the rest of this stuff. We'll see.
18 Aug 06: And Dreams Score Again Had one of those consolation dreams where other people are interested in me besides the ones I'd like to be interested. It was sort of an amusing curiosity (well, two curiosities, in fact). It also told me I'm finally, actually getting over the low point (as I slept well enough to have pleasant dreams). Unfortunately, it comes a bit late - all week has been wasted in sleeping too late, including today's interesting lectures at the pre-Finncon writers' workshop. Not that I'd dare to go if they actually asked for some credibility as a writer, but the lectures were just lectures. Oh well. Better luck, and better strength, after this. 17 Aug 06: ...But Slowly Slept long, didn't want to wake up and find that these personal notes might have had uncomfortable consequences. Not that there were any, really, by the time I managed to get up. Have to get a grip, this sort of behaviour won't do anymore. Firefly again today. A little better at concentration than last time, but my character was only present a part of the time anyway. Really should see the Q's more often, not just at the RPG sessions now! Finished Cyteen by Cherryh, was left feeling baffled. It ended very abruptly - not the first book of hers that does that - but I hate it. As I've often said, I prefer proper closure. I hate it when I feel I have to go and read reviews of a book to find out what it was about, really. It was an interesting look at cloning, certainly, and as I understand, rather original when it came out. 16 Aug 06: Digging Oneself Up Something I did not confess in yesterday's entry: on the way home, I went to the grocery store, bought every fattening thing in sight, and spent all evening eating. It didn't even feel good, but I kept on anyway. (No, I didn't get as far as to throw up. I'm trying to put even the rare attacks in the past, and mostly succeeding.) Despite finally having discerned and analysed the crumbling feet of the Eating Monster, why was I there again? What happened? I'm not sure. For one, I actually was surprised and flattered to be invited over by the interesting and charming person I mentioned, certainly didn't think of them as a "consolation price" at the time (those words were chosen for dramatic effect, and I regret the choice now), and had a genuinely nice night and morning. And they even went and bought me medicine for my terrible hangover headache (it was really, honestly blinding - worse than any of my very moderate migraines except there was no nausea)! And had you asked me before the disappointment of hearing about that other person's unavailability, I could not even have sworn as to which of these two I found more interesting (though their attraction was different - except both are very, very intelligent). But. First, there was the disappointment, so I'm not at all objective about that. And second, during our conversations, there were moments of confusion and disconnect that left me feeling rather insecure (though also moments of connection and amusement), and they did say they regarded this as a light con-afterparty thing. So I'm left feeling that I wouldn't be good enough for someone whom I might actually want, nor even for someone I would not be so compatible with. I realise the latter is ridiculous: if I felt the disconnect, why wouldn't they feel it, too? But even so, it stings. Oh. I just realised there is more that these two share than I remembered. I remember now. And wonder why I ever had the guts to think I would be good enough for the taste of either of them. But. I am off the worst food slump. I have kicked the Eating Thing in its ugly clay knees and am climbing up over its clumpy body. I had leftover chocolate cake for breakfast, but I listened to myself when it didn't taste good anymore, and I stopped. And even more so, I didn't give in to the impulse to throw up even now (it's a very strong impulse, to put a definite stop to the eating, but it's not good for one, and I won't; it's over). I apologise to anyone who feels this is too much information, but it is a part of my syndrome, and I want to be truthful. Now that I have the strength again. I'll try and find the time and energy to get back to the analysis of my breakthroughs this spring. It would be essential to the purpose of this diary, after all. Oh, and today's small victory, to help me in the upwards scramble: my Swedish is activated enough that I was able to read people's experiences of Dragonbane in Swedish. Very illuminating, but that was not the point. I'm getting from bilinguality towards tri-. Multi- would be next. It's never too late when it's about head stuff. And that is a great, great relief and joy. Today's good thought: this year, the con programming heads went out of their way to get help for us show program organisers, and so there was almost enough (almost, because there's always so much to do that I don't think it's even possible to be prepared for quite all of it! but luckily, some extra help turned up in the form of volunteer friends - thanks, Taika!). From their part, I think they did everything they could possible ever be asked to do, and I was very grateful and satisfied with their consideration! So this was something that had been corrected from two years back, and that is great! (The thing is, all that delegating finally drove home how much work there actually is for it and made me seriously consider - as I wrote on Monday - whether it makes any sense to do something like the dance performance, with its tenuous links to roleplaying and all the work it takes. We'll have to see. And consider some more.) (Later) Hnh. I'm still quite conflicted - I guess because I'm worried I've revealed too much already. I tried to write about this non-situation so that readers would not be able to guess the people involved, because that would be completely, utterly too embarrassing, but I'm not sure I was successful in that. I just have to hope that those particular people do not happen to read me. And that the charming person with whom I spent that night won't happen to read, either, or if he does, won't be insulted, or misunderstand, or anything (I would hate that). So I'm embarrassed and more than half afraid, but trying to deal. After all, I chose to write a diary and not a blog. I deliberately chose openness, so I have to bear the consequences. Or at least try to. (Even later) Oookay, I just pinpointed another cause and effect thingy: íf someone I might find interesting ends up with someone else, why do I always compare myself to the woman in question and feel ready to slit my wrists (even though I should be well past anything of that sort) when I clearly don't measure up in any way? Because of that old thing of feeling less appreciated than my brother. Of course I would flash back to that in situations where love (and therefore, acceptance) is in question, and of course I would equate it to a competition where I am found less worthy in all ways. Even if, in reality, it's about coincidence or just something else that's completely different from who's cuter, better, nicer, more successful, whatever. So that's at least a part of why I feel like this right now (because such comparisons are almost inevitable when thinking about any objects of these men's interest that I am aware of). And I'm not bad and terrible and ugly and stupid and uninteresting. And even if there was a race, it was not a two-person one, and it was only one of many. It's not about my losing. It's not about me at all. Good. I guess that was enough of a talking-to for now. 15 Aug 06: Pure Emotion vs. The Real Version I have now heard of three people who cried while watching our dance performance. I guess that means we must have done something right. And I am happy that the simple stories of love fighting through hardships and triumphing over evil that we have been able to tell through music and through our faces and bodies have caused that reaction, because it is the sort of reaction I myself feel when listening to music that touches me, or watching ballet. Something purer and truer and grander than the murky complications of our everyday lives; something distilled into the essence of loyalty and sacrifice and total openness of heart. We need to see that - that glimpse of pure emotion distilled in art. We need its fire, to give us strength and belief that it is possible. Not that it alone is enough; we also need to exercise our intellects and our ethics constantly; but that glimpse is such a great consolation every now and then. And oh so simple and bittersweet in contrast to what I'm feeling right now. Yesterday's dead dog party was nice, and loud, and really, really big, and I had a lovely time - when I wasn't in the throes of serious socioemotional angst. It was nobody's fault but my own, for not having had any courage earlier... and now that I might have had it, it was too late. And what do I know, maybe it always was? Anyway, to ease the sting of miserable fate I ended up partying a bit more than was good for me (though probably just enough for most people), and even spending the night with an interesting, intelligent, attractive acquantaince whom I've wanted to know better for some time and who probably deserved better than to be the consolation price (though they themselves said they saw the night mostly as an afterparty thing). Oh well, nothing's really wrong, the time was good, feelings were amicable, perhaps we actually will get to know each other better, or perhaps not. So why am I feeling so confused and discontent? I have been so prideful and walled up in the context of any romantic emotion ever since Mr. Certain Someone - seeing my emotions as only an annoyance to others; thank you bloody much, Mr.C.S. - that at present, I can't even tell if I actually was more interested in someone than I knew, or if I just think so because it turned out they were unavailable. And I'm confused and angry and feel it's unfair that when I finally get as far in my recovery as to try and open up to feelings and needs, I get a wet towel in the face from fate. Everything is beautiful at the ballet And even Tchaikovsky created his incadescently emotional themes out of terrible unhappiness. I refuse to believe that that is the only way to create art, or that I somehow need it to produce anything. I will fight tooth and nail to believe that one can be healthy and happy and still creative. But it's damned difficult! 14 Aug 06: Acceptable Survived another Ropecon, am reasonably together and reasonably satisfied. No great catastrophes, a couple of small, annoying mishaps with the dance show props, but mostly okay. Didn't have time to do as much sewing as wanted to; didn't have time to go lower my prices on the fleamarket table on Sunday; missed most of the interesting program on Sunday when I would have had the time to participate in some! Those are my only real regrets, but that sort of stuff happens. I'll live. I'm okay. And really, really proud of my dancers, who took a difficult choreography and, with guts and wit and hard work, made it into something wonderful. (All of the costume show was great though! Hannis really made it work!) Still, I have a strong feeling that the time of this gig is up: the input/output relation for the dance show just isn't economical, particularly with something that's only marginally connected to roleplaying anyway. I'd really like to do something else next year. Maybe just be a worker. Or try to find something less time-consuming to present. Do a workshop. Something. Something that won't take the time and effort of fifteen people for weeks before the con. We'll see. Somehow, I'd like to regain the magical feeling I've sometimes had at the con. I don't know if it's even possible - maybe it's just that I'm getting older and have been there too many times to feel like that anymore. Maybe I'm losing all such magic. Dunno. Still, looking forward to the afterparty in a reasonably content mood. 10 Aug 06: Moon And Orchids After real-life business (and ballet exercise!), I spent last evening driving to tape our music properly, thanks to Tammikuu's (and some others') generosity, and to dig some big props out of Mirka&Antti's storage shed. Everything got done that was supposed to, and while I was driving home, the moon kept me company with a bright, benevolent (though perhaps slightly self-absorbed) shine. The night before, it just sort of hung there lazily, rolling over every now and then, but last night it was On. A bit like me. There's still a mountain of things to do, and that damn back cramp is acting again, but I can't be bothered to panic. I feel... frighteningly normal. We'll see what happens to the feeling once I am in the throes of sewing and time is running out... Why I love orchids: they don't die on me, like roses tend to do. The phalaenopsis that Lissu have me for my birthday is still well alive and absolutely beautiful. (Well, it's only one reason. I just like the look of the big, pink-toned cymbidium orchids, and the rest have sort of grown on me along that. Besides, this one is porcelain-white and dark pink - the best combination - too!) There's something about which I'd like to say "Told you so!" but I guess it's not my business to touch the subject. 09 Aug 06: Done My Part! The application for the study completion program is in. Now for the waiting - there were over fifty applicants. Let's hope this works out. 08 Aug 06: The Strangest Feeling... ...Of hope. Of bafflement that something one feared to death was not so deathly, after all: everything I've done in my studies that I ever got registered was still there, and wasn't nulled for age after all! Those things that I never did get registered - meaning about 20 study weeks' worth of General Literature, which by then were only registered electronically when you showed signatures for all the courses belonging together, one whole being something like 7sw's - and some very scattered summer university elocution courses - aren't, but they can certainly be done again, or arranged somehow. So, tomorrow I'm putting in the application for the employment program for finishing one's studies, and this time I really hope it's going to work. Also, a lot of the small arrangements for the con worked themselves out. This could have been so much worse... but so far, it hasn't been. Not everything is still clear, but much, much more hopeful. My second submission for the Italian Showcase at the Realm of Venus, Salla's Florentine, is also up now. I'm really happy with that particular dress now that I got it reworked, and the pictures turned out much better than I expected (considering my meager skills at photography). Now to work with Tiina's 1505 Venetian... (Night) There's an incredible orange-gold moon, gold like the most legendary treasures of pure mint coins, lazily rolling in the low heavens, pulling at clouds for covers every now and then. I went for a walk with the dog, the orange of the moon and the orange of the roadlights like a heat haze over the night, and I was feeling astonishingly good. And now, again, I'm fearing it can't last, and I will have to pay for today's good luck and relief. Maybe I can blame the moon. It was the moon's magic, and surely it will fade when the moon diminishes... Or maybe I shouldn't be superstitious even in poetic jest, but trust that sometimes there are results for work done. Not always, but sometimes. Besides, all is not grace and bliss. I have either pulled or cramped a muscle in my upper back, on the right, and it's a) really painful b) really problematic for the practice of the dance thingy, which includes a lot of port de bras... I'm trying to soothe it with lots of Mobilat, but it's rather painful in almost any position right now (particularly when I try to adjust my neck and head position to what it should be, which really sucks)! I wonder if it will get better by Saturday, or if I have to drug myself senseless with painkillers by then... I guess it depends on whether it's a cramp or a pulled muscle, but I honestly can't tell yet. 07 Aug 06: Still Kicking Been very busy, what with the sewing and the dance thing. Had a terrible day on Saturday, when everything seemed to go wrong, and I was wallowing in self-pity because I wasn't able to go to Fantasiapidot (which has only been in my calendar for six months!). However, then there were a couple of small strokes of in the lucky direction, and now there definitely seems to be a glimmer of light at the end of the dance tunnel, and I spent a nice, relaxing evening by visiting some old friends at Kauniainen and then walking with Suvi to her place to see Lara's five-week-old kittens. Yesterday was terribly busy, driving to Lahti and back to do the practice tape (with a lot of mishaps on the way, and even then the damn computer put the tracks in the wrong order!), and then rushing to a long practice. Now, however, I am still reasonably together and hoping this will work. A couple of props are still a problem, but not impossibly many. And even sewing doesn't seem quite an impossible load right now. We'll have to see how it goes. 03 Aug 06: Crises Past & Crises Current Okay. So I had a crisis with my motivation for the SCA. As if that's any news. Now, however, it seems the crisis is past, and this is a thing I'll be doing - moderately, but continuously - at least for now. I'm now in the < a href="http://www.hucca.org/">Hucca board of officers, though with no official duties (just a member), trying to start taking care of updating the information on the Hucca pages, a beginning court herald (now that we agreed that I don't have to get into the armorial stuff to do proclaiming heraldry) and in general feeling like I may be able to contribute something. I'm also hoping to find the time to begin fencing occasionally, restart some acting and other performing activity (very inofficially, just some little stuff and no big ambitions at all, but just to have some entertainment), and sew more for myself. At least make a new peplos with Eura-type tabletwoven bands, and a proper apron. And that cloak with fur linking, finally... And a dancing costume... And - well, let's stop there for now. Besides, I'm in the middle of another mid-sized sewing crisis. In that I should be doing it, for something where the deadline looms ever closer, and I'm procrastinating like mad. Mostly by eating humongously. Though I think the Eating Thing raised its ugly blobby head because I can't reach a person who I was counting on to be in the dance thingy, and I have no replacements left. I think they are avoiding me on purpose, but since they're not coming out and saying no, I should just go on chasing them down and begging. More than I've already done. I really, really need them, as two of my replacements have already dropped out, for life reasons. And I hate having to beg and then hear No. And I don't know what I'll do if they do say no. Thus, uncertainty on whether I can deliver what I promised; thus, panic and food, food, food. Which, of course, is s self-feeding (pun intended) circle: it makes me feel bad and unwilling to move, so I won't exercise and only eat more, and so I feel even less able to accomplish what I promised (myself not being in shape and still having to dance)... and so... Oh well. I feel better already, at least about the sewing. It can't be as bad as the other thing. So I'm getting to it now. 02 Aug 06: ...But Why Doesn't It Ever Get Any Easier? Tired. Tired tired tired. I wish I had been sensible and put the practical arrangements of the dance thingy on someone else's shoulders, like I planned to. I hate asking people to do anything anyway, and now there's need to call and arrange practices again, because I slept over Monday, when I was supposed to take care of it by email. I don't mind teaching, I don't mind the rest, but trying to work schedules out with people who have better things to do than to indulge me is... the second worst thing in the world. (The worst being, of course, trying to work things out with official instances, as I'm sure you know by now.) I must have finally got somewhere with this slow project of getting fit for the rest of my life - I can close the waist of a flared skirt that has only fit me once during the past couple of years (the blonde summer, and I know I was in reasonable shape then). But even though that's clearly something, I must remember it's only the first couple of steps, and not the final goal. The final goal is looking... normal. Unexceptionable in body instead of the fattest one in the picture (not the thinnest either - that would be unreasonable - but unexceptionable). Able to wear whatever I please. I know it sounds unhealthy that I measure this project by how I look instead of how I feel, but that is the only objective way to measure it, as I am altogether too good at deceiving myself, and I don't want to fall into that trap again. Should get sewing, should go shopping for blue dye. Right now. But must get someone to take care of the phoning process first. Should learn to evaluate the time and effort taken by everything, already. Probably a futile hope. 01 Aug 06: Continuing to Learn to Persevere So, another Italian Showcase written, photographed and sent (not yet in the appointed time, but finished, even so). Again, the model is to thank for some gorgeous pictures (and probably a good camera as well, many thanks to Clo&HG for the loan!). And the dress is also serendipitously well suited for her! But you'll see soon enough. Made it to the SCA camp after Inka's bridal sauna-and-relaxation evening on Thursday. Swam a lot, slept better than I had slept for weeks thanks to the fresh air (even the late-night revellers didn't bother me, I was so relieved to feel sleepy in a good way, and so slept like a baby!). Accomplished something rather notable for this birdie: dared to participate in the Arts & Sciences competition, and with a half-finished project even! There were only four entries, so we had a good discussion circle where we went through all of them, and I learned a lot (such as, silk camicias are documented and therefore appropriate! so I can use my mystery silk blend camicia with good conscience, and even the old duppioni one if need be!). Also, after a long while managed to make myself useful for Moira at court. And am now "officially" a herald (student). (Not that there's anything official about becoming one, but, well, here I use the term with intent. Too complicated, silly and embarrassing to explain. On the other hand, heart-warming, totally!) Dance practices are not going as well as I hoped, mostly because on Sunday I managed to forget the music home (while packing for Salla's photo shoot, which I didn't even get to because of missing the music!). But I won't panic until after next Sunday. One possible crisis already turned out quite okay (which I totally didn't deserve, as it was all my own fault for forgetting certain crucial information). So. It's August. And I am eager to see what it might bring, and even if it doesn't bring anything particular by itself, I won't wait for disappointment, but will make the particular happen myself. |