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You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
22 Dec 04: Gone for the Holidays I keep being so ridiculously tired. I wonder, come new year, if I should not get over the fear of delving into my medical bills (small as they are in public healthcare) and go get everything checked. I've been back on the antidep's for more than a month already, so being this lethargic can't be about the depression any more. I've just slept and slept and slept. Haven't been able to do anything. The worst part is not having been able to come up with any Christmas presents for Mom and Olli. I have these huge loads of fabrics and stuff, but I just could not get any ideas that would be in any way useful or cool. Or anything, really. So I've just avoided every phonecall from family. I'm taking the train to Tohmajärvi early tomorrow morning (hope I can fit in) and will be there at least a week; don't know if I will be able to update during that time. I hope to come back with a bit more energy. Merry Christmas to everyone. Go look at cute kittens here. 20 Dec 04: Social Weekend Cleaning on Friday - including a thorough scrubbing of the sauna - accomplished. Party - nice and calm and just what I needed, though I felt that I didn't have enough time to talk to people (even if there were less than twenty of them). Anni and Lin offering us live music was a lovely extra. Saturday - more sauna and loads of relaxed girl talk with a couple of people. Sunday - furiously working to finish the work on Moira's garb. After that - collapse into sleep; no energy has manifested since. Should have been able to make Christmas presents. Haven't. Mostly haven't been able to come up with anything meaningful to make, but also have been weak and low. And I was supposed to be so much better by now than last Christmas... Worried about having enough money for the trip to country. Sorry about being such a whiner. It just... wasn't supposed to be like this any longer. I wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be okay. 16 Dec 04: Sleep & Cleaning I could swear I put up a general notice here, but it seems I didn't, and now this comes really late, but whatever. So: I've invited some people over for sauna and mulled wine tomorrow evening - or on Saturday, if tomorrow doesn't work. I didn't want to have a huge party or anything, just hanging out and talking and sauna and stuff, so I didn't want to make a big fuss out of it. But, anyway, if you read this, and count yourself at least an acquaintance, and I've forgot to invite you, you're welcome anyway. Just drop me a note, so I know how much glögi to make, or just turn up. Something between twelve and twenty people are probably coming on Friday and three or four on Saturday, so far. Still in need of a lot of sleep, but feeling enthusiastic about tomorrow (and Saturday) anyway. We've done quite a lot of cleaning and organising, and I enlisted Mom's help for tomorrow morning, to make up for the recuperation days. Tammikuu and her husband dropped by to bring the gloves I forgot in their car after the Vampire game, and we had some tea and saw the kittens. Zenya, who generally disappears when guests are around, sulked, but bore the situation bravely enough. And the kittens are getting over the age where they scream constantly when handled - if one holds them just so, they are quite content to look around in wonder. And they just get cuter and cuter, if possible - and more identical (Kalle already resorted to marking the firstborn in the paw, wisely enough). Now, back to sewing. 15 Dec 04: Changing Weather Liisa managed to shake me from the worst low yesterday. Now I only need to get up enough energy to do my cleaning for the weekend's sauna-and-mulled-wine evenings (which is going to be quite a lot - today has disappeared somewhere behind sleep, in the aftermath of the flu). Many people seem to have something else, so they can't come, which is a pity, but I'll be glad of everyone who can. The kittens have started to purr, sounding like tiny little rotors. They have also become much more active and playful, though trying to get on their legs is still a wobbly affair. It's getting a bit difficult to tell them apart, they are now so close in size, and their faces are - at least to my eyes - identical. The firstborn has a slightly lighter and more even shade to her coat, and she's also more active and assertive, but if I could only see one, I really could not say which one it is. (Later) Well, the cleaning process is underway, so there is hope for it. I just wish we had more carpets (all the oriental-style carpets were ruined, at one time or another, by dog poo, as it happens). And I need to come up with that tablecloth that I planned to do months ago for the ugly white table in the dining-room - the fabric is just waiting. Apparently I'm not alone in having difficulty in telling the kittens apart... They are now exactly the same size, so the only way to tell is the difference in temperament (and that very slight colour difference that might disappear any day...). 13 Dec 04: Repetitive Don't know what to write that I haven't already stated a million times over. Spent weekend in Kerava, as P&P had arranged a pre-Christmas dinner with Mom, since they're going to be abroad during the actual holidays. Ate a lot, tried to banish the flu thing. ROTK:EE appeared in the house on Friday night; could not resist watching it immediately, so got hold of Jukka and Juho T. and invited them for company. Unfortunately, it was not nearly as good a movie as the other extended editions were: there's a lot of needless additions that slow the pace further without adding anything, sometimes even detracting from the whole. But the parley with Saruman was fantastic - Christopher Lee fulfills all expectations brilliantly, and his voice is just as otherworldly and overwhelming as Saruman's should be. Still... the whole was not satisfying. Not at all. And it's a terrible pity. Today, A Beautiful Mind reinforced the doubts of any worth in my own existence. 10 Dec 04: Waaahhh! I want to see ROTK: EE so badly. Like, right now. I thought the kittens could not possibly make me more mushy, but now that their eyes are opening, I'm beyond all ratings for mushiness. They are incredibly cute. The bigger girl has both eyes open, and keeps looking around with her head wobbling, and trying to stand on her very shaky feet. The smaller one still has one eye closed and is mostly content to eat (which is all to the good, catching up to the big sister). They are so adorable one could just sit and stare at them for hours, which sounds completely ridiculous until one is actually there, leaning one's jaw to the edge of the nest-box, transfixed. But... ROTK: EE! Waaahhh... My dreams have gone back to the good old technicolor extravaganza days of incredible detail and vividly memorable moments, so luckily the nightmare of that other night is starting to fade behind the newer shows. But even now there is the constant return to losing, of things disappearing, diminishing... of inexplicable sorrow and disappointment even when nothing seems wrong. Of ending up empty. 09 Dec 04: Thwarted, Again Last night, I got fever and chills and was aching far into the morning. Today, the aching and fever have stayed tolerable by lots of ibuprofen. So, nowhere today. It seems one of those Real Flus has arrived. This is so... not... fair. Talked on the phone with Anni a long time. Important. And for once, not about me. The year is ending, and I'm back into terror. I tried to combat it by inviting people over for sauna and stuff next weekend, but I don't know if it's going to help. I'm just tired of not getting better, and of having to come up with another year of therapy funding (why would they give me any more when I haven't been able to use the earlier help productively either??). 07 Dec 04: Terror in Dreams I had a sickening nightmare last night - so bad that I woke up migraine-nauseous and could not get myself anywhere, even though I would dearly have wanted to go and pour it all out on my therapist. I still feel sick when I remember it. It wasn't at all something I could have expected... though I don't know, maybe I should have. Now I need to wait until Thursday to be able to talk about it. No, I don't want to write it down. It was too... personal. And too terrifying. 06 Dec 04: Eye Candy Saw another movie with Lissu yesterday - the new Bridget Jones, which was far less a disaster than I feared. It was pretty tolerable fluff, and we laughed out loud more often than expected. Also served as a fitting change from the earlier movie, which hit us both harder than it might have done to some. Also managed to catch the Finnish children's movie Rölli ja metsänhenki, which was a relatively big hit in the theatres a couple of years ago, but I didn't get to see it then. It was also better than I expected, which means it was altogether delightful - not just a nice children's movie, but quirky, wistful, magical, beautiful. I'm really glad I noticed it was on. And this evening has, of course, been spent keeping a watchful eye on the gowns at the President's Independence Day Ball. I seem to be more sold on sewing than I thought, since I could not miss a minute of it. I thought the overall impression was quite good and tasteful, though there were few real eyecatchers (and, on the other hand, only a couple of "what was she THINKING" moments). I loved that blue gown with brown-shifting chiffon embellishments that opened wide at the knees, and the Japanese ballet dancer's traditional kimono (but I may be biased because she is a dancer). I also think the president herself looked stunningly stylish - the simple black velvet gown really emphasised how slim and healthy she looks nowadays - and also very joyful and relaxed. (I did entertain thoughts of going to the ORC ball, but in the end, was too uncomfortable going alone and too shy to come up with anything good enough to wear. Besides, I would not have had anyone to help me into my corset.) The kittens - girls both - have grown humongously in just five days and are beginning to look less like rats with their noses bashed in. They are also lighter in shade than Zenya herself, which I hear is really good (they have more white at the end of hairs than she). Zenya is still being the perfect mother, so much so that she could really eat more herself... but then, she's always been incredibly picky with her food. Now only to wait for the kittens' eyes to open... (Later) My therapy sessions last week were on Thursday and Friday, and finally I felt like some sort of progress is happening. I had some rather surprising insights - like why it has bugged me so much that my mother keeps trying to maneuver me into asexual, sack-shaped clothes. Because she did not do that when I was a (quite well-endowed) teenager. I had some quite tight and sexy outfits then. It only started after I grew up and moved out; mostly even after that first year at University when ballet was still going well (though I was not of the proper shape for it even then - but I was quite normally slim, anyway). So whether it grew out of her need to see me in clothes that she considered proper for a teacher; or a subconscious need to control my sexuality; or whatever... the way I took it was that I had grown too fat after the ballet thing failed, and had to hide my bulges. Had to be ashamed because I was bursting out of my clothes, clearly. That's how it came to me - more shame, more discomfort in my own body - no matter how she meant it. And it hurt, and hurts. 04 Dec 04: Voices Of Our Generation Went to movies with Lissu. Was completely blown over by Before Sunset. Every word of the dialogue seemed familiar and yet striking - strikingly true. The adorable young people from Before Sunrise had grown up and become - us. Our worries, our losses, our interests, our navigation between myriad philosophies, our half-apologetic search for meaning, our experience of emotional emptiness and the conflicted ways of dealing with it. Our need for connection, that has nothing to do with sexual sophistication. Our despair over ever being happy personally, but a half-secret hope and belief in the future of the world in general. And then, perhaps, sometimes, a moment of true warmth and passion. Perhaps, for those of us so lucky. Even so, it was a rougher watching experience for both of us than we could expect, either of us. Gave quite a lot to think and talk about. The kittens are doing well, and Zenya's being an exemplary mother. 02 Dec 04: Christmas Kittens The kittens are here! Zenya gave birth to two energetic dark grey bundles late last night, with Kalle playing midwife and me giving background support downstairs (ie. keeping myself out of the way - oh, I did go and get some butter to feed her if she got tired, but since there were only two kittens, everything went speedily enough and it wasn't needed). Apparently Zenya was calm and capable enough, which was nice, considering this was her first litter, and her being a bit shy and nervous. The kittens weighed 114g and 99g and went on to gain those nicely respectable 20g overnight, so feeding is going well, too. She also let me handle the kittens quite happily this morning and has shown no inclination to move them (which might be an issue, considering how she herself tried to hide in the most uncomfortable places in preparation for the birthing). Neither Kalle nor I are experienced enough to tell the sex of the kittens yet - that will have to wait for the breeder's visit. Kalle put some quite nice pictures up at Zenya's gallery on his pages. (Also an opportunity for most of you to see the elusive lady herself in the first place...) I'm totally in love with those little mugged rats and just trying not to be too much of a nuisance with another person's cat, housemate or not... Been social today after therapy; saw Lissu and Paula and am planning for movies and maybe even going to some parties over the weekend. Will have to see. Talked to Liisa about the feelings of negativity and dissociation with those old photographs, but got no further on that yet. Going to Dad's place for Christmas, as hard as it may be to tear oneself away from the proximity of the kittens... Stressing awfully over Christmas presents. |