30 Dec 06: Family Okay, World Weird

Christmas went well - ate lots, read lots, got nice presents, spent time with nice people, learned not to freak out around a 20-month-old boy (as stated, I don't hate toddlers at all, I just don't know how to handle them!). Didn't get to watch Galactica with Heli as planned, but hopefully will soon enough. Travelled to North Carelia and finally saw some actual snow and frost (the frosts here are first-rate because of the steep hills), read and ate some more, but have also been going for walks with Dad's dog and in general feeling more active and energetic. The new meds seem to be doing their job.

Other matters have been baffling and disappointing, however. The worst part is how one person's mistake affects other people by default, even though they were in no way part of this person's deliberate wrongdoing. But I really, really don't want to dwell on the whole thing more than I already do. The whole mess is distasteful. And disgraceful, of course.

On the other hand - I found some great books really cheaply at the final sales of the local bookstore, and I finally got myself reading Geoff Ryman's Air, which was one of the most lauded books of the past year. Don't really have an opinion on it so far...

24 Dec 06: "O Perpetual Recurrence of Determined Seasons"

Somehow, again, at the turning points, words fail me and I turn to Eliot.

The concert of that wonderful Christmas chorus in Lahti that Anni sings in was even better than last year. Otherwise, it's Christmas and I'm... just okay. Feeling ordinary, not bad at all, but not particularly elevated either. Wondering if this might mean that I can begin to change in bigger ways. Now that staying alive's no longer an issue, it's hard to remember to be thankful for it alone - one actually begins to move towards something else. At least I hope so. And, after all, I have already moved somewhat - the study program, more control over my life, more mellowness - so movement is proven possible.

No great words now - a bit of stress, a bit of quiet, vague longing for something more, though definitely dealing, being able to just do things - so I'll let Eliot speak again:

"Therefore we thank Thee for our little light, that is
dappled with shadow.
We thank Thee who hast moved us to building, to finding,
to forming at the ends of our fingers and beams of our eyes
-- And we thank Thee that darkness reminds us of light.
O Light Invisible, we give Thee thanks for Thy great glory!"

23 Dec 06: Christmas Rush

On Thursday, some Christmas shopping and then to Tofa's place for the traditional St. Thomas's Day sauna and ale - had a lovely time, met friends I didn't expect to get to meet before Christmas, ate a lot, drank just enough. Friday, Taika and Jukka's wedding, which was a great success, and again I had a lovely time, and again met people I haven't met for far too long a time. I'm really glad I didn't give in to the party neurosis and stay in, but went and participated.

I caught the bouquet, too. I didn't even try to; I was standing in the back row, nice and quiet, but Taika threw it so high that if I hadn't caught it, it would have bumped into the wall right behind me. And I got to waltz. And dance at the club later, though I had to give in a bit earlier than most of the club posse, as there was an awful lot of smoke, and my eyes couldn't take it.

The medication seems promising - I haven't needed excessive amounts of sleep this week, which is good. The actual results will of course take a while to show, provided there are some.

Now I must drag myself to town to do some last-minute Christmas shopping.

20 Dec 06: ...Actualised!!

I've just been to the textual analysis exam! It didn't go as well as I hoped - somehow I forgot all the names I'd so carefully learned in connection with the development of the concept of genre in linguistics, and one of the three questions seemed to belong to some other exam - but at least one part should be okay. And what's most important - I didn't give in. I studied hard, I pushed myself, and I accepted the possibility of imperfection in the service of a bigger goal: to get one exam under my belt before Christmas, for my own self-confidence! I did it.

I belong somewhere now. I'm a student, not just a pretend one.

19 Dec 06: Possibilities of Progress

So, now I have another new sort of depression medication: Cymbalta, which is new and seems to be somewhat controversial, so let's see how it works, then. It resembles Efexor in that it's a dual-uptake inhibitor; some sources say it's even more effective, some say it's "not as strong". It's also used for relieving chronic pain. But as I said, it's very new, and it's been marketed heavily in the US (it's made by the same company that brought Prozac to the market originally), and the user experiences seem to vary a lot. We'll see.

In any case I'm now a real, actual student, registered and able to use the University computer network and everything. I managed to scrape together all the numerous articles for tomorrow's exam, and though it's a bit much to ingest in two days, I'm trying very hard (and also trying to ignore the examiner's disbelieving look when I went to ask about the exact pages of two of the books). At least I find a lot of the stuff actually interesting, so there's hope, and besides, it's more important for me to get this done now than to get spectacular results in this one.

17 Dec 06: Tired & Ill

Got a flu at the end of the week, have been miserable and unable to do anything. Could not make it to Q's party on Saturday even, which was a terrible disappointment, so haven't even been able to communicate about it. Miserable and self-pitying when awake, getting headaches from all the sleep and inaction (as if flu aches weren't enough). Must be up and about tomorrow, for the doctor's appointment and for studying for Wednesday's exam.

One positive thing: the reapplication approval finally came, which means I really have no excuse not to do the exam, flu or not. On the other hand, Christmas is again a stress, now that I have at least some money and so feel obliged (and want to) give presents to people. Except I don't really have money, because I didn't remember to drop the next unemployment report in the mail, though I had it ready all of last week. Oh well, if I can manage not to forget it tomorrow, I might have money before Christmas. Now everything I have goes to the re-registering payments.

I should feel okay now that the reapplication is okay, but I don't. I just feel tired and sad and purposeless.

14 Dec 06: ...And Upside Down

The damn meds certainly are not performing as required - now I can't sleep at all! Will have to monitor this development for now. (No, too little sleep is not good either: it just means one is awake but in a tired haze.)

Again, have to choose between fun things to do in the future. Not fair. Not fair at all.

11 Dec 06: ...And On

Not much to write about, even now. Still so much sleep that the meds situation clearly needs adjustment, but that won't happen until the doctor's appointment next week. No energy to move. Feeling low about oneself, the diet stalling, all that...

At least have had great theatre experiences. Talvisirkus Aika was lovely and fun and therefore incredibly uplifting; acrobatics and music and charm and enjoyment... Then on Friday Mom&co took me to see Mestariluokka ("Master Class" by David Pownall), which was at the other end of the spectrum completely: dark satire, more horrifying than funny, with some of the biggest names in current Finnish theatre (so big that they have no problems at all filling the big stage at Kaupunginteatteri between just the four of them). It totally deserves its accolades, and leaves you quiet and thoughtful for a long time.

But then, the times in between have been spent in a haze of sleep and tired drifting. Still waiting for the acceptance letter for the re-registering. At least one exam next week seems to be okay now.

05 Dec 06: Crawling On

Still very little sign of progress, but at least I'm not completely down in despair, even now. Still need to sleep far too much. Still haven't heard back about the re-registering.

Watched more new Galactica today with Heli, but now we have to wait more than a week to continue with the second half of season 2, and we're on pins and needles... Tomorrow I'll get to go to the theatre with Paula, and then there's the obligatory costume judging circle for the President's Independence Day Ball. I don't even know how I ended up being this much of a costume nut (and feel slightly guilty about the frivolity of the subject)...

So, this year I have a bit of money for Christmas presents, I suppose, and I'm rather seriously considering the goats and schoolbooks options. Or, I could just take care of some of my old debts, and be better equipped to help people in the future. That might be the more sensible option.

02 Dec 06: "...Ingallsin Lauran"

I'm inches away from finally getting myself to switch into Finnish, but... but. Well. Needs a bit more thinking, and a blog program. I guess.

Maija Vilkkumaa was on the Voice, and once again the song about people expecting her to be Laura Ingalls in her apron, nice and obedient, bothered me. It's a great song, and an important subject, but the comparison's faulty, because Laura didn't obey out of a sense of content obedience: she had a wide streak of rebellion in her; she didn't want to be nice at all, and it was not easy for her to do the right thing. In the end, yes, she did it anyway - because it was necessary and right. Which is why I still find her one of my favourite literary characters (and, I suppose, real people, too). But, well, from the outside, of course, she did end up conforming, so it's not that the song's completely wrong. It's just not quite right, either.

Haven't wanted to write, because this is still pretty much drudgery at the bottom of the pit - once again, I was too optimistic about this slump. I just hope it's finally going to get better.