27 Feb 07: The Winter Drags On

I don't know why I find so few words these days. I keep getting vaguely irritated and contrariwise, though nothing's wrong. I should study more. I should think more. I should write more. Should should should... Oh. No wonder. I always get like this when the Should monsters slither out of their swamps and gang up on me.

It's like this. I'm fine, I'm pretty much healthy, so there's nothing stopping me from working my butt off, right? Except, of course, for the constant existential maelstrom going on in the sky of my mind, something closer, sometimes farther: I've found no more purpose even now. Just to live. And it's still not enough. Not enough. I need to do more, to be more. Not for success, but for... for meaning. To matter, even if it's in a quiet, dark hole somewhere and no-one will ever know.

I so would have been a martyr in the early days. And what an easy solution that would have been, too. I hate how in this life, the hardest thing is just to go on without meaning. (No, I've lost the belief in individual fate directed by God - I do believe in a God whose overall purpose is benevolent, but as clearly shown, all does not work out the best for everyone. I believe the best is the end result that all of humankind, through all of history, must work towards, and it's up to the individual to contribute as much and as well as they can. And I'm pretty sure my "can" should be more.)

That damned Should boa constrictor again. (Though I picture it with these sticky pseudopods all over its crushing snake-length. And crocodile teeth - poison fangs would be all too quick and merciful.)

Why all this moaning? Because one must study, of course. Really study, not just pretend to study. But it really does suck when you don't feel inspired by it. I mean, who am I kidding? Teaching is troublesome and poorly paid, no matter who and how, and teaching adult immigrants has its own special problems. Besides, I have no connections, even though they clearly exist, as second-year students are teaching exactly what I thought I'd like to be teaching. So one needs to know the right people, and that's it.

Bleargh. Besides, the Hucca dance ball is next Saturday and I find it stressful again. I thought I wouldn't, not any more, but I do. I should decide which Italian Renaissance outfit I want to make for it and then make it. I have two choices, and neither is exceptional, so I don't want to choose. Hobbies weren't supposed to suck, but now they do.

(All right, down to the lower layers of what actually fouls my mood - the personal, ugly ones, remember? The floors where the homegrown monsters live, the doors that read No-one Lives Here, or No Love In This One Either. I knew many friends could not make the Oscar overnight on Sunday, because of work and moving and flus, but I am sad that not a single one of them came. Oh well, at least I got some cleaning done. And I know I've not really been that actively involved with a couple of other friends, but I still feel excluded that I wasn't invited to a soon-to-be PhD party. I know it's not even fair or polite to feel like that, because people are justified in inviting exactly who they want, but I can't help it.)

(This may be one of those entries that one wants to erase afterwards, so as not to give people who don't like me reason to gloat. And yes, of course it's partly my own fault if some people don't like me, and I should just not let things be like that - but what if one just finds some people's personalities objectionable and doesn't want to like them any more than they like me? Not completely objectionable, of course - if those people were actually evil, I wouldn't even worry about them - but largely? The answer, of course, is to learn to be more magnanimous. It's not like we all don't have our faults. I guess I should. It's a bad fault to be judgemental. And I suppose I got sidetracked completely on this one. Whatever.)

Planning for Rotan vuosi, I realise I know surprisingly little about the thirteenth century. Need to learn more. Though of course, studying should come first.

*sigh*.

23 Feb 07: Quiet Life

It's been cold, and I've been holing up inside, trying to read, getting distracted with this and that. Wednesday, I helped Suvi pic fabrics for a basic medieval outfit. Thursday, I went to the player meeting for Rotan vuosi, and I'm really looking forward to the game! Today, I've helped Lissu pack for her move. So, been upbeat and social, not very productive. Need to focus. Want to focus.

19 Feb 07: Back To Routine... Thankfully!

I think I've had enough of fussing with dresses and stuff for a while. And I really wanted to be a better Sarah Bernhardt than I was yesterday. My dress was mostly ready in time and was about as over the top as I'd planned; my corset stayed in one piece; I was loud and expansive and playful but far too nice. Should have insisted on more attention and more diva attitude, but I could not help worrying too much about Sarah's hostess duties and trying to ensure that as many people as possible had at least a reasonable time. As that didn't work out too well anyway, I could just as well have been the divine diva I was firmly instructed to be in my material.

It's a sad thing that the poor project management of the game on both written and practical level served to highlight the game's weaknesses so strongly, because it had so much potential to be great fun! Now that timetables sucked so badly and made corseted, flu-ish players too uncomfortable, some more drama and dynamism in the characters would have helped the end feeling a lot. As it was, it was not easy to throw oneself into simply enjoying the atmosphere, the details of the world, the beauty of the site and the lovely music performances, as I understand was the main objective of the game. So many unfortunate little things ended up spoiling so many great ideas (like too much emphasis on the don't-talk-until-introduced etiquette made people too cautious in approaching others, particularly for dancing, and so foiled the nicely activating gimmick of the dance cards) that I'm really sorry for the organisers. My own game experience was not bad in itself - I quite enjoyed myself, but had I not had those hostess duties (which, as I said, I probably too too seriously), I might have had time to be bored, as there was not really much dynamism in my character's relationships (they were all so easy and stressfree). But as some may have noted, I have turned into quite an entertainment-oriented player who wants as much happening in as short a time as possible.

I am, however, a bit miffed that the organisers just took the SuoLi props (or my voluntary offering to come and get them on my own time and expense late last night) for granted and didn't even remember to say thanks for them in the after-game mail. I understand that they were exhausted, but they did remember to thank dancers and singers and other helpers. It gives me the feeling that this props opportunity is not appreciated or needed and makes me question the sense of the whole service. Really - I don't need the thanks, but it would be proper to thank the Society that offers the service.

Anyway, so much potential, so many beautiful things... And the food was good, too, and there were enough different soft drinks to last all of the in-game drinking, which is not always the case. And the entertainment really was very classy, and people were so beautiful in their dresses and hairdos and masks (and the men in their tails). But now my back aches after the corset, my face itches for the heavy makeup, and I should have had more vitamins to combat the possibility of catching the big bad influenza that nearly everyone seemed to have yesterday, and I want no more dress projects for a while, so I really welcome some nice, quiet studying time, thank you...

Though I did manage to find another distraction in the form of some classic sci-fi novellas that I don't remember reading before... How did I miss them among Kalle's books? Or did I just read them during the stage when depression still made me scatterbrained and forgetful? Anyway, some light entertainment is just what I needed now!

Meira came here today to look at the house for her game later in the spring and to have coffee and cream buns. I'm thinking of her and her mother a lot now.

And now I simply have to gush about something I haven't yet gushed about - I'm so excited to become an aunt in the summer, if all goes well! P&P are the dearest people in the world, and I'm just so happy for them, and in any case, it's the first great-grandchild on Grandma's side, and I'm really interested in getting to know babies more closely, and all in all it's awfully cool!

15 Feb 07: So...

...I promised not to stress about games, at least not about dresses. Here I am again, panicking as usual.

Why does it always have to be so damn difficult??

13 Feb 07: (Insert Snappy Subject Line Here)

Went with Lissu to see Volver, which was a refreshing change from the movies I've happened to see lately (except for Pan's Labyrinth, which doesn't count, because it was unique). Coffee and chatting both before and after was at least as important and satisfying, too.

Been trying to continue with reading RPG theory. Slow going, probably because there's never going to be an exam on this stuff, but I still have to read it to be able to choose the gradu focus in any meaningful manner.

Changed my mind about next Sunday's costume. Again.

Have been having thoughts about this and that, but tonight's clearly not the night for any deep thought. And in any case, maybe the thoughts just seem to be there, the way one always thinks one gets deep, original creative insights right in the middle of boring theoretical reading. And then, unable to decide between persisting with the reading and pausing to pursue the insights, one does neither and ends up just passing time under the illusion one is terribly clever, really.

Hum. Didn't mean to sound so cynical. Pessimism is an enemy I'm determined to defend against.

11 Feb 07: Mood: Accomplished

Our local SCA chapter had a demonstration for the regular Sunday meeting and fighters' practice, and it went pretty well. I'm happy, because it was my idea to have it now, with a moderately short preparation time, and I took up most of the advertising for it (though not all by all means). A few new people came and seem to seriously consider joining, and - almost as important - many of our old people also came to catch up and to think about the future, as we need new officers in almost every area of duty. And the spring schedule is practically set now, though subject to change as always. I'm really glad I could help with that, too.

Also, I realize I didn't even remember to note that, to my great surprise and delight, the Florentine dress I made for Salla came second in its category in the Rose Awards for 2006 at the Realm of Venus (there's a box on the right that says "Rose Awards - View the Winners")! I'm terribly proud, of course, though I'm sure a lot of it is because Salla looks so pretty in the pictures! Furthermore, I thoroughly approve of the dress that won that category - it was my favourite as well. The later category was incredibly tough (it was really hard to choose while making my own vote, too!), so I have no problem with not getting a recognition for Heli's dress. I'm awfully proud for having participated with both dresses as it is!

Last week was not too good for studying, so I am determined to pick up the pace of my reading. Let's hope it works! I also have to put together the dress for next Sunday's game, but luckily, I have been able to make a decision on what to wear, and it should not be too much work (I hope those don't turn out to be Famous Last Words...).

07 Feb 07: Active

I've been to town, put up notices and sent remainders for next Sunday's demo, studied, been to see the GMs for the Belle Epoque larp the weekend after next, and then gone on to Ari&Salla's place to continue with our Warhammer RPG campaign. A good day.

The Warhammer campaign is starting to hurtle forward at frightening speed, and I just try to hang on with my little magic-user's belief in her own abilities... Today's session was filled with action and surprises. Now I only need to develop my stamina for longer sessions, because tabletop still tires me out rather quickly, and when I get tired, I lose concentration and can't stay still. But I'm learning.

It's late, and I should be up early to go swimming with Mom...

05 Feb 07: Back To Embarrassment

Well, one thing at least is clear. I should have become a writer for those cheap romance books, considering how much easier it is for me to pour out loads of sentences about practically nothing when it concerns romantic aspirations than, well, just about anything else.

Meanwhile, life goes on as usual. I'll try to pick up the pace of reading for the gradu. That's actually what I mostly should be doing for the next month or so, not much else. I'll try to make time to go to the movies occasionally, and see friends, and that's about it. And to enjoy the LARP in two weeks with as little stress but as much proper preparation (=reading my material well) as possible. After all, it's not every day one gets asked to play Sarah Bernardt.

(Later) All right. It's time to get into raw, all-out, guts-open analysis, which is never pretty, However, I've noticed that no matter how much I tout honesty, I've again slid out of practising what I preach. So.

Sir Crush made it clear he doesn't go for casual dalliance. Which I must admit I suppose I was going for right then and there. Why, if I felt more attraction to him than casual? Well, the reasons are actually not as shallow as you might think. First, naturally, is that I knew already that there was very little chance he felt the same way about me. Second, if one looks at it coldly, we would be a disastrous match: we are both passive, defensive and have very little ambitions in real life (or little ability to follow through with such ambitions); in short, neither of us has a life. So, since even when considering these facts, I could not get him out of my mind, I guess I was hoping for the tried-and-tested method of trying out the physical side and finding it unsatisfactory, incompatible in style or taste. I mean, it worked for Mr. Post-con? And Mr. Motorcycle?

In reality, though, I should not equal these cases. I always knew there was very little chance I might consider Mr. Motorcycle as anything more than a friend, lovely man that he is (and not un-attractive either), since we came from worlds that were just too different. And our physical meeting proved that, being mainly a friendly way of showing appreciation and sharing mutual support (good though it was). Mr. Post-con was what one would term a great catch - intelligent, good-mannered, gearing towards a high-class profession, sporty but in an intelligent sport - and so I really wanted to see if the physical side might match so well that a spark would ignite where no spark existed (though lots of appreciation and admiration). Unfortunately, as proven, it wasn't there (even though the physical part in itself was very good, again!). I do not feel regret or disappointment for either meeting, on the contrary, both these men made me feel appreciated and cherished. That Thing just did not happen to be there.

But now there is this stupid spark - this stupid little torch, if not a bonfire - that refuses to go out. So what does one do? Besides grin and bear it, as one has learned through the darkest places where one still chose to go on - barely, but chose anyway. Because grinning and bearing it is getting damned old by now!

Anyway, to get back to the point - in a way, I was being very sensible about the whole thing, wanting to try something that I had some proof might work for an out of the whole circle of persistent light. Looked at in another way, I was being callous and disrespectful towards him, only wanting something rather precious for the sake of being able to not want it. In reality - and this is rather an ugly confession - I expected the method to work. I expected to come out of the whole deal relieved and freed. Because I'm old enough to know how rare it is for sexual tastes to match, not for thinking it would be terrible as is. That is the truth. Still, it would be easy to be insulted simply because the other side expects to be disappointed, no matter how good the actual reasons underneath. Should I apologise? Is it that disrespectful? And mainly, is it that obvious?

I know it is dangerous to confess to things like this, considering the possibilities of S.C. reading this. But I'm not writing a letter to him, I'm writing a confessional diary. I fail at it often, but at least that is the attempt.

And still I have to find ways to deal with this circle of light that so far, I can't step out of. Not even if I run. And believe me, I keep trying to run.

(Night) Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, I completely forgot something I had promised to be in today. Completely. I don't know how serious this is, I hope it isn't too bad. Though, on the other hand, the person who I expected to contact me about it yesterday, didn't, so I don't know if I should worry about it or not. And I didn't really want to go anyway. (There's another thing I should have done yesterday, but it seems I was too tired to think straight and get that done, either. Hope that one didn't turn out to be too much trouble either. I have to get my head off the mists and get back on track. This latter one matters more to me personally, but it's not something irreparable, I hope. The other one's done and gone by now. Oh dear.)

04 Feb 07: Crush-ed (or: Beware Of What You Pray For...)

After this weekend, I had reason to go back and check what I wrote after Yövartio, in October. And I found I wished for "...not much, just some warmth and acceptance and the sense of stars and candlelight".

This weekend, SCA Midwinter Feast at the usual site near Turku: guess what I got?

And you know what? It doesn't help to have exactly that, when it was only and exactly that. It should, of course - why shouldn't I be thankful for getting exactly what I explicitly stated I wanted? Finding these words, I even wondered if I should be thankful to a real person: if maybe Sir Crush remembered those exact words and for compassion's sake set out to give me just that. Probably not, though. Anyway, that was what I got, and it is no more fair than it was before. No more fair, and yet of course there is no cause to call any unfairness. I was treated more than fairly. Certainly more than fairly. Except by fate.

I'm confused and exhausted and cranky and feeling unnameable things, which is wrong because the Phoenix does not have unnameable emotions. Unpresentable, perhaps, but not unnameable. I'm probably less than coherent as well, for having slept less than two hours this morning.

All in all, it was a very nice event. I had an important talk with a friend on the first night about our working relationship in the SCA, where it had not been satisfactory for either of us for some time, and it seems we got the misunderstandings sorted out and everything working well again. I had the opportunity to reconnect with some SCA friends from abroad - one in particular, with whom I have some long-past history and whom I hold in great regard, because they are a great, wonderful, warm person, and they made me feel good several times during the event. I took part in a play and relished it. I watched an absolutely sweet man whom I also hold in high regard be knighted. I gave the awards I had made to the Queen to use in the future, and promised to make more when she said they were lovely and most welcome. I enjoyed the general atmosphere much more than I sometimes have done.

I had avoided Sir Crush out of embarrassment on several levels from the very first time we came across each other at the event. I was too scared even to say how-do-you-do's, and then too embarrassed about being so stupid and childish, and then too unhappy about not having got over him in any way at all. Finally, last night, very late in the sauna cycle, we got to talking. And soon ended up in the middle of the whole embarrassment thing, and took it out in the open, and very gently and honestly, he did what I already knew he'd do, which is let me down. Told me he knew about stuff, and that he was seriously flattered, and that he liked me, really did, but.

The odd part is, he then didn't let me go and have a nice quiet cry over my pride somewhere private, and most important, somewhere else. No, he wanted to make sure I was okay. And so we ended up talking, first about that (we were somewhat drunk, so it took a while - him more than me), then about other stuff. In the end, we spent the whole night in a secluded corner talking about common interests and other things, occasionally returning to the painful subjects at hand, and yet I never got to flee. Or found the spine to do so? I dunno. I really, really, honestly, enjoyed our talks (except for the painful parts), and I really, really, honestly try to believe that he meant it when he said he wouldn't have wanted to spend that time in any other way. Yet at the same time, I'm conflicted, confused and confounded. It's not that he gave conflicted signals: he made things quite clear. It's just - I dunno. I got exactly what I had modestly hoped for, and yet it stings. It stings so badly. And yet I want to believe he really meant it about friendship, and want to get to know him better (even though I should tell myself I have enough friends to deal with as it is, and should just salve my pride and be angry at him, not that that is fair, but in situations like these, I guess it's understandable).

Right now, I can only manage a slight miffed state, mostly about how unfair it is to feel stupid for feeling desire. I shouldn't feel stupid about that, but in this case, right now, I do. This is me, after all: one who barely can acknowledge the concept of desire on an abstract level. Because only pretty people are allowed to be physical.

And clearly I am not pretty enough.

And yet there was so much well-meaning and openness and honest attempt at contact - all things I value highly. And I felt we found a lot of common ground, and I find talking with him interesting and rewarding (if sometimes rather a lot of work). But am I just still blinded by the crush? Can it possibly be valuable enough to risk showing my vulnerability to him again and (probably) again just to get to have him as a (possible) friend?

I'm an idiot and I want to have a good cry and I keep thinking of him in completely stupid ways, and at the same time I honestly want to answer that attempt at honest connection, find it and keep it up.

And seriously, I am too tired to make sense today. So anything and everything I've written about this now must be taken as descriptions of how I feel right now and absolutely not as final, definite, reasoned statements on anything concerning this matter.

I'll be more clear-headed after a good night's sleep. Or at least I'll have a leash on my self-pity. A good night's sleep is a great help for that.