31 Jan 07: Life As Usual

Nothing to see here, really. Still have trouble with sleeping rhythms. Still feeling mostly positive about stuff. Made it to Ego and Tiina's son's naming party and saw people I see all too seldom. Came up with some possibly useful crafts stuff for SCA. Proofread Heli's proseminaari paper and learned a little bit about the grave findings of the Egyptian Middle Kingdom at Abydos. Am hemming and hawing about choosing fabrics for this and that for next weekend (so what else is new?). But no, not going to stress about that.

I've slept a lot this week - it is possible that the cause is a couple of days off the meds last week, just because I had run out and forgot to get them. I know, bad me, and paying for it now. Anyway, that will certainly pass soon.

Read the newest Bujold; was not satisfied. Too little story, just an appetizer for a proper book. Disappointed.

26 Jan 07: The Balm of Snow in the Valleys of the Heart

The winter outside is creamy and pearly and amazing, true rest for the soul, and I made it to my obligatory classes, and found lovely and needful stuff while shopping afterwards, and besides, I even walked the dog in the early, stormy hours of the morning. And I feel good about life, and hobbies, too. Optimistic. Composed.

Time for bed, to keep the timetable moving towards the right track.

25 Jan 07: Dreams Score Again

I dreamed of being at Hogwarts - the real one, where people did not look like the movie actors. It wasn't as cool as I hoped, but that may have been because it was one of those late-sleep dreams where you're nearly awake and your subconscious comes in and spoils stuff (as mine usually does: nothing is as big or glamorous or real as it should be, no matter the subject). But parts of it were actually fun.

I still don't know why I'm dysfunctional, and I suppose I need to do more soul-searching here... when I can bother.

24 Jan 07: ...What Was That About Rules?

I've spent all evening updating the Hukka pages. Oh well, it's my own fault that I didn't do that already on Sunday or something, and in any case, as I said, this is important. It seems I can't manage to just give up SCA completely, so what's better than inviting other people in, so they could do the jobs I don't want to do and find too much trouble? So that's a good reason to go to some trouble now, so I can feel less obligated and therefore less stressed later!

And I have done something for studies as well - I asked JTuomas for recommendations of reading on RPG theory as it related to communication and the emotional experience, and he not only gave me recs, but is also loaning me tons of material! That's just so wonderful. I may be able to get somewhere pretty soon... Just need to work a bit more with this daily rhythm thing...

(Night) Something is wrong now. It's not even evident what it is, like usually, since as you can see, I have been a good girl and done the most urgent things I was supposed to do. But something is definitely wrong: I can't go to sleep and feel a vague but constant anxiety; I am back to being endlessly hungry and eat everything in the house; I don't want to get out, not for tomorrow's regular day, not for a walk with the dog despite that lovely sparkling white winter out there and despite having missed the opportunity while he was away (for Kalle's winter vacation). I'm just... panicking like the old days. Not as deeply, but it's just as real. So what's wrong? What?

22 Jan 07: Important About Emails!

If you wonder why I haven't answered an email you've sent that needed to be answered, the reason may be that it never got to me. It shouldn't be possible (says Kalle), but I know of at least three emails during the past five months that have not reached me, nor generated any sort of failure notice. I have no idea where the cyberspace sink is - shouldn't be Iki, shouldn't be our home server - but the proof is incontestable (if inexplicable). So if you still want me to respond, do try emailing again.

21 Jan 07: So Much For Resolutions

SCA crafts circle started after the holidays, and no matter what I'd firmly decided, I got myself even more involved than I was before. And it's not even like anyone asked me to do more! I just couldn't fight the feeling that Something Has To be Done, and that since no-one else will, I could just as well. But! It's a thing that I can do for a short while and then in good conscience leave for others, knowing that if it works, there actually are other people to continue, and if it doesn't, well, then hope is gone for the local chapter anyway.

What this means is, we are having a demonstration evening for new people or anyone even slightly interested on Feb 11, at the usual place, Oulunkylän nuorisotalo Nuotta (probably at the regular hour, 5pm, too). I've never really tried to invite any larp or other friends to SCA events before, but I'm doing it now: come and see what it's about! And Saturday March 3 there is the annual renaissance dance at the Oulunkylän Seurahuone (that pink manor house with a tower on the other side from the Oulunkylä station). Do come! Ask me more if you wish! I'll be touting this anywhere I can, so you can't forget.

(Added later at night) However, I am going to stick to one thing: I Will. Not. Stress. About. SCA. Clothes. I had so many plans for new garb that it just exhausted me simply to think of them. So I will not. I will make what I feel like making, as I said yesterday. I have perfectly good garb, and I don't need to try and overwhelm everyone with new stuff all the time! People didn't have that many changes of clothes in the period anyway. I'll change my Viking Finn stuff into more authentic items when and if I have the time, and it doesn't feel like a job or an exam - and only then! And anything else I'll do if the fancy strikes me. That's it.

This was the final day of the exhibition of treasures from the monastery peninsula of Mt. Athos in Greece, and I was determined not to miss it. Luckily, P&P could join me. The old missals and letters were a particular delight - I didn't know they also had those. And some of the embroidered work was also really interesting. All in all, I'm really glad we could go. I've always been drawn to the aesthetic of the Greek Orthodox church, if not their oldfashioned and overly patriarchal ways of interpreting their dogma.

The images of Pan's Labyrinth have real staying power. The more time I have to think about it, the more I admire it. And it's also interesting how completely it divides people in its interpretation. I must confess I numbered among the cynics, until I read some excerpts of interviews with del Toro - but now I'm happily in the optimist camp! Can't be more specific. Go see it, if you haven't already. Be warned, it's gut-wrenching - but it really is worth it.

I'm finally reading Jan Guillou's "Arn" books - I skipped the Swedish original of the first one and promise to return to it when I have more time, late spring maybe. The second one was fascinating in how it depicted precisely the same events as Kingdom of Heaven, just from a slightly shifted point of view. The third promises to be mostly new information for me, as I know next to nothing about the centuries after the Viking Age in Sweden.

Oh yes - managed to shift the daily rhythm close to normal. Good birdie.

20 Jan 07: Too Scarce, I Know

Just a few quick notes tonight, because I need to get my sleeping patterns back on track. That's part of the reason why I wrote so little last week: after Monday night's sleeplessness, I slept the day away on Wednesday morning, and the clock was upside down for Thursday, as well. And despite having slept too little on Thursday night and having to get up and to my one class of the week, the second-language teaching basics double class (that is, two ninety- minute lessons every Friday) that doesn't allow for absences, I couldn't get to sleep last night, either. So I missed two perfectly good days last week, and a beautiful Saturday (I know it was beautiful, because I did get up to feed the cat at some hour when the sun was still up), but this simply can't go on. I can do better by now.

The course is interesting, and I'm all fired up about it. I was curious to hear that many people on the course were already teaching Finnish to immigrants in several places - I'd like to know how they happened to come across those jobs. It's quite a dose at once every Friday, but I think it's really great to get into stuff properly and quickly instead of in small bits.

Anyway. The big news of the week is, of course, that Hyperborea is up for the "Emma", the national music producers' award, in the folk category, for their second CD "Semmosta."! I am so, so happy for them!! (Which reminds me, I need to remind them to give me my copy of the record, as I did the translations for it, again.)

Other positive news: I've managed to open the door to the sewing room and start doing stuff. I'm not going to stress about any sewing - I'm going to do exactly as much as I feel like doing - but since there are some unfinished things or plans I really want to realise, it's good to feel I can. I just have to remember that at this time, it doesn't have priority. My job right now is to study and graduate. The sewing has to be for refreshment.

16 Jan 07: Never Simple

I still can't sleep when I stay the night at Kerava. Instead, I whiled away the hours by reading another book by Torey Hayden, the teacher specialising in "hopeless" special-needs children. I never plan to read books like hers, but after I start, I can't put them down. And start thinking, and half-believing there's still hope for humankind.

My faith in humankind was harshly pulled back down to reality by Pan's Labyrinth, a gorgeous and brilliantly done movie, but more brutal than I could expect even from the reviews that made a particular warning of the brutality. Still, it was quite an experience, and I can't unwish it, not really (and seeing the Qs is always a delight).

Oh, and The Rules? Already regretting some choices I really thought were wise, according to them.

Still, the spring schedule is beginning to settle, and even if I'm conflicted about other stuff, I remain hopeful about study issues.

Mom wants an introductory course into both older and modern classics of sci fi. And her shelf of new books has lots of stuff that I, for my part, will need to read, right now (preferably yesteryear, but one can't have everything). So there's some hectic book exchange going to be happening in the near future. I guess that's another good thing.

A friend asked me if The Rules should not include a point about it being okay to have bad days where one just can't deal. Well, that's a very good point, but (as I answered her) it's not terribly relevant to me right now. My problem is freezing in fear of even beginning anything, and now that I'm much better, my challenge is to break the pattern of immobility and giving up. Of course I know that bad days will still happen, and that really is okay, but I am not going to make it into a rule, so I can't use it as an excuse.

15 Jan 07: Re-evaluations

Looking at the schedule I have planned for the spring, it is more and more clear that I have to give up some of it. These past weeks have served as a sharp reminder of how limited and occasional my strength still is (well, mostly either limited or occasional, so not totally absent, but even so...).

So, instead of just boundless, groundless hope and good intentions, I must make...

RULES

1. Studying comes first. If in doubt, studying comes first, second and last, meaning that even when that dress for that game is still unfinished, no skipping lectures or sleeping over perfectly good library days. Studying is what decides the future, not any of the other things.

2. Health matters. Don't put off that walk with the dog today, because next week you may again be in a flu. Go to sleep at a regular time, and no matter how much you doubt it, you'll get more things done in the mornings than in the evenings. Remember your vitamins - never mind weight, just get those long-time energy boosters, even if it is on top of chocolate etc. If, in the long run, this results in more energy and therefore more room in the schedule, all the better - but no adding extra stuff until you absolutely can handle it.

3. People matter. If you want to spend more time with some people, then dammit initiate it! Or re-initiate it. Don't think that just because you hear about them second or third-hand over the net, that there is a connection. Remember that even when you feel asocial and afraid and unwilling that it will make you feel much, much better not letting people down, but actually going to meet them, with all your faults and problems and stuff. But don't overextend yourself. Spend time with those with whom that time genuinely feels good. (It might also be a good idea to stop avoiding the study group peers: you do need that peer perspective.)

4. Regulate your strength, part A. For leisure, choose the things that you genuinely enjoy, not things you feel you might or should enjoy but never actually seem to reach. Ask yourself what you want and whether the hobby gives you that. They should be a source of strength, not a sap on your limited energy.

5. Regulate your strength, part B. If something that you generally honestly enjoy feels like a drag, see rules one and two and take a break. It's allowed; in fact, it's imperative. But instead of a break, it's also allowed to try and go on doing the thing with less emphasis for a while. It really is. No, really.

6. Be honest. Don't feel obligated to gloss over your difficulties in the diary just to give people a happy ending, or because of pride. You are an imperfect creature, and imperfections are interesting teachers. Besides, it's a great eye to keep on yourself.

7. Volunteer charity work: stop guilt-tripping on not doing it and just find something you can be party of. Start small, just one thing for now, but do find it.

8. Get out of the door. Try out new things occasionally, just for the heck of it, but don't feel obligated to keep them on unless they truly delight you. Go dancing. Stand tall. You have a right to be part of humankind.

9. Smile more, even if you don't feel like it. You will see results.

10. Studying comes first.

12 Jan 07: Just Physical

No wonder I was so cranky and weak: the bloody flu didn't go away nicely, but instead, is up again. Just like in the autumn.

11 Jan 07: Conclusions

Remember that test that didn't go so well? The one where it was most important to get it done before Christmas, not how it got done? Well. I got a five (a "straight A"). Obviously, I need to readjust my views on the impossibility of academic demands a little. Meaning, this may be a lot of work, but at least it's proven the work in itself is not out of the bounds of acceptability.

I finally got to watch the second half of season two of Battlestar Galactica with Heli, all in one go. Didn't even feel that long. Now I fear for my OTP, but am consoled by the insane chemistry between Roslin and Papa Adama. And really, really want season three.

It's late enough to be early, I need to get myself to an SCA event tomorrow and have done zero preparations, and don't want to be sensible at all.

Oh, I also watched Alexander last night and was slightly more entertained than I expected to be. Though Colin Farrell was somewhat less interesting to watch than his horse. No, I lie - a lot less interesting, because oh, that horse! Those Friesians seem to be almost too good to be true, not only in looks and style but in temper, too. Makes me again wish I lived somewhere where riding is a reasonably priced hobby...

Tired. Unwilling. When did it get to be like this again, the SCA thing?

09 Jan 07: Reporting In

I haven't been writing, because I realised I really, really want to switch away from this handwritten basic-html diary form, but I haven't got around to actually finding a blog format that I want to use... Still, better the old form than no writing at all, it seems.

Slow start to the new year, anyway. Haven't really done much, and got the flu besides. It's going away now, though. I hope it won't linger like the one in October - it might not, because I feel my general health is much better by now. Still, the flu prevented me from going to a couple of things last weekend that I seriously wanted to go to...

I really hope I can get myself working now. At least the medication seems to be okay. And there's lots of larps and SCA activity planned for this winter and spring - I just have to remember to take them as refreshing breaks and not as something stressful! So, no agonising about clothes for weeks and then sewing in a panic for three days: either make something or don't, and accept that it's okay. I just can't afford these recreational things taking up many days before and after...

In general, I'm feeling mildly hopeful, though a bit intimidated by the study load ahead.