You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

31 Jan 02

Not much to write. I'm not as low or as lazy as I was at the beginning of the week. I made Anni's medieval brocade dress (delayed Christmas present) just in time for her to wear it on a singing gig - it needs some fine-tuning for the future, but otherwise it turned out rather nice. I finished "The Star Fraction" - it was good, though not mindblowingly so. I hope to read the sequels soon (or as soon as Kalle gets through them :)). I tried to study the Faerun material, but it's such a Herculean task that I only got started before I had to return the books. Well, at least I started.

And I got heavily into planning the 10-year-gala for the next Ropecon. Very productive meeting, that one. I hope I can realize the projects, as I really believe they will be fun.

Making Anni's dress gave me much-needed confidence in my ability to finish a sewing project, any sewing project. Maybe I'll soon have some long-unfinished or unrepaired stuff to sell.

Depression update? Well, I got the city funding. I suppose I should be really glad - but I still have no therapist, so I am almost completely discouraged again.

I need to evacuate myself from the house tomorrow, as there is a party here, and one of the objects of celebration is a person I do not approve of. I don't particularly care to be in the same space with that person, so I'm going to be elsewhere.

But I wish Lin - a good housemate and, slowly, more and more of a true friend - a most happy birthday!

P.S. ...I guess I've also been avoiding writing because something has been bugging me again - something that should not be an issue anymore. My mind is conflicted, my heart is grumbling that I'm neglecting it, and the rest of me is operating on long-perfected automation.

In short, I pine. Still. Again. More.

Want more.

28 Jan 03

Hmh. And suddenly something turns up to drag me out of the worst funk. Almost feel as if it's not fair. I want my misery, dammit!

Anyway, I'm on radio tomorrow, talking about larping. YleX at 14.22 and 15.05. Atte and I talk about how games are written and played, about the upcoming big Faerun battle game and such stuff; and the interviewer (who is called Jonna Autio) and I paint heraldic shields on fabric. We spoke a lot at the interview session today, so we'll see what she chooses to put in. And the rendance CD plays at the background - whee!

It was fun.

I managed to sweettalk Anni into cutting my hair again, and I like the result even better than the last time. Stuffing myself with calcium and vitamins actually seems to work on my hopeless hair. Tsk. Should have been a good girl and taken my supplements years ago.

I borrowed Atte's sourcebooks for Faerun, so I could study the world properly before embarking on the task of writing for the game. So far, I've only managed to get myself even more confused. But let's look on the bright side, by all means: once I've waded through the material deep enough to have a comprehensive picture of the world, writing a couple of characters (or even a couple dozen!) will feel like a light stroll in a summer breeze.

Coffee with Paula tomorrow. Not totally hopeless.

27 Jan 03

I'm sliding back, and I can't write. Fear is trampling on me with big, sloppy, heavy feet, and I'm drifting deeper into apathy. There's nothing to write.

22 Jan 03

Another restless, irritable day. Nothing productive accomplished. Slept later than expected; watched videos with Anni and Lin, failed to get into any sewing even though they did.

In the evening, watched "Portrait of a Lady" and liked it a lot. Anni had described it as terribly slow, but I didn't find it so. I thought it was very finely crafted. Then watched some figure skating. Read some Buffy fanfiction. Made plans for modifications and corrections to own costumes.

Feeling frustrated, bursting with longing and the ghosts of words.

The possibility of ever becoming whole seems so far today...

And I need love so badly. But, again, what have I done to earn it; to become interesting enough for anyone I could fall for?

21 Jan 03

These past two days have mostly been spent by sitting in front of the television and sewing etc. The weird thing is that I've been falling asleep (and getting up) much earlier than the others - exactly the other way round from how it was before.

We swallowed the fourth season of Buffy at the by-now-familiar speed, so I need to get more at the next RPG session next Sunday... It's nice to see the characters growing up, but I suffer from Angel withdrawal (and no, as I've stated often enough - the "Angel" series is not good; I only like Angel in "Buffy"). Riley sucks. And Oz was way cooler than Tara. And Spike is getting more entertaining, but I'm still not joining the fan club. And I sound like a teenager who's watched too much Buffy...

I've been restless and unable to do much useful with my hands today. I've made lots of lists and started cleaning up my room, but that's all. See, this is the part where progress is slowed but expectations to reach up to normality keep piling up, and I panic. And my former therapist seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth. And I have heard nothing about the city funding.

And on a more interpersonal level, I've been bothered by two phonecalls that I received from an undisclosed number yesterday, during both of which the line was so bad that I could not hear a thing, not even who was calling. I keep wondering who it was (there are not that many people with undisclosed numbers who might generally call me), and if it was something important. I know it's silly to bother with something like that - they could call again, I suppose, if it really was significant - but I am.

The other girls are watching the old film version of "The Brothers Lionheart", but I think I'm going to be bashed in the head by sleep pretty soon again.

I'm reading a collection of short stories by Charles deLint that I borrowed from Heli along with the Buffy tapes.

And I worry constantly about whether I get to be in Maahinkainen's next larp at Olavinlinna, "Vanhat valat, uudet ajat". I know it should not be something to stress over, but I do. I really, really want to go (I have very fond memories of the larps I've been in there, and I'd so love to take part in a medieval court larp again). But I'm afraid they won't take me in, as I had a bad experience in their last game, and I was pretty vocal about it. Mostly it was just about a) bad luck in character choice, which I had not been able to specify well enough b) very high expectations based on their earlier game (which was the one in Olavinlinna), but at the time, emotions ran pretty high. I really didn't mean to demean those games in any way... but... well, I'm afraid. It means a lot.

It always does.

I'm afraid that people will never give me the chance again. That I will never earn even basic respect any more, having been too difficult in the past. Too intense. Too loud. Too scared. Too everything.

I'll stop now before I panic completely.

19 Jan 03

I had all but forgotten that we had a roleplaying session scheduled for Friday, but luckily I got a text message from Topsu and then hitched a ride with Kalle, who was on his way to another roleplaying session close by. Had a good evening, as always with "The Lost Ones", though as I had got up indecently early, I started to yawn in a highly impolite manner after the first hour or so.

It dawned on me that Topsu has been running this same campaign, more or less, for ten years now, with only players and characters changing, but with the story more or less continuous. Wow. I mean, ten years? Wow.

And I still have no idea where we're going with it. I don't think the others have, either...

These past two days have mostly been spent by watching the fourth season of Buffy, which Heli graciously loaned us. I sewed Lin's cloak while watching, and it's nearly done. Another episode or so, and it's all finished, but I had to take a break due to a blister in my thumb (I sewed it all by hand, with woollen thread).

I had one of those moments of wonder at the complexity of creation tonight. I just sat there, sipping at my tea and trying to concentrate on a short story by Charles de Lint, and it suddenly struck me anew. I mean, think of it. Leaving aside possible causes and intentions for now, just look at the sheer complexity of it. Think of the process from simple particles of matter to a teacup with a logo on it, or a wineglass, or a plastic jar of honey from producers in the province of North Carelia. Or hair rollers. Or snowflakes made of tissue paper in the window. Or a book. Not to talk about the story - stories - in the book, or all the stories needed to understand the significance of all those items. Or the obvious - the Net.

No, really, think about it. Whether blind or not, aren't they totally baffling miracles, all of them? And we can imagine more of them, items and customs and stories that never were and never will be. Though that thought is almost too much for me right now; I'm still working to grasp the colours and textures on this keyboard I'm typing on; the mouse ("mouse", indeed!) next to it, the covers of Kari Hotakainen's book at my left hand, Anni's sewing basket on the floor next to me...

...Does this have something to do with the way a healthy person sees life...? Cause if I could feel this wonder at every moment of my existence, I'd be willing to sign up for good, again.

But it can't be. This is against all reasonable principles. If it is good, it must be distrustful. If it feels hopeful, it must be a trick.

Nevertheless, I'll try to reserve judgement for now. So, once again, I'll say: we'll see.

We'll see.

Oh, and "The Other Wind" was fantastic. No surprise there, eh?

17 Jan 03

I've slept and slept, not much else. Of course it makes me feel frustrated and ashamed, since it is so hard not to feel that the whole world expects me to be perfectly fine at once... I know I must give myself time, and I'm trying to, I really am.

This should ease some time next week, though. The psychiatrist said that it takes about two weeks for the medication to take effect, and I've been taking it since last Wednesday. As to the therapy issue, I haven't yet heard whether I get the funding, and the phone number I got for my old therapist was no longer working. So... we'll see.

I've been reading LeGuin's newest, "The Other Wind", which I borrowed from Inka. So far, it's been very good.

Lots of sewing to do.