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You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
28 Jul 04: Addictions, Past And Present (Actually, it's still the night of the 27th, but I wanted to get past yesterday's politics.) I've been thinking. Or, well, feeling, mostly. It's funny that despite all, I am quite functional after the con - socially, physically, practically. I could even deal pretty calmly with the social politics of the con list, for which I clearly was not completely blameless (and dealing with something like that calmly is far higher in the scale of functionality than could be expected after something like the 'con, so maybe I really am slowly getting better). However, emotionally... emotionally there's nothing there except coaldust. This issue-that-was-not-an-issue-anymore with A Certain Someone. It's terrible to be so vulnerable, and even more so in this case: to know that this person is just irresistible to many, most, and it's only because of that that I can't not let him get under my skin. That I'm just so easy, so common in my emotions. I know he's an asshole. I know it, I've got to feel it so many times, and I know he is that because he can: because gets away with it again and again because of his vast charisma. It's demeaning and disgusting to be susceptible to it; I don't want to be, but I don't believe I'll get rid of this addiction either, since I'm back to it after such a long time of being sane, and back to the stage where I can't even actually hope to be rid of it. I'm so deep I don't want to be without it (or, well, I do, intellectually, but emotionally the thought fills me with terror). So what is there to do? If I can't bear this, and if I can't manage to rid myself of it either? What is there to do except end the whole shit? (He would probably tell me to do so, just to be rid of my annoying self and annoying demands and annoying standards. Especially since I can't meet his standards anyway. I've spent all day reverting back to old illness, so I'm ballooning up again, and that is reprehensible, of course. Women are supposed to be young and fit, or they are despiccable. Not that I'm not that in all other ways already.) The past week has been nothing but illustration for the Manner fragment below. Hoo-kay, time to sleep. Only thing to do in a state like this. Tomorrow will be another day, a bit more rested, enough to carry on sensibly, for a while. (After sleeping) Woke up groggy, but in a moderately acceptable mood. Got a ride to town with Dad and Satu-Tuutu, visited briefly with Paula, read the article on Emma Wieslander in yesterday's Hesari, took care of a couple of things, like returning the keys to the rehearsal studio. Met Lynoure to go to Heureka, had a much welcome re-introduction to the land of experimentation and innovation (also nice company and talk of costuming, of which I'm sure there will be much more in the future). Came home, did some extremely rushed cleaning, acted as hostess to a couple of the dancers who came to watch the video of our 'con performance, served ice cream and strawberries. Argued with Anni. Had a long talk with Heli. Tried to start packing and orienting oneself to the viking fair trip to Ahvenanmaa. Departure at five-thirty tomorrow morning. Hoping to be able to relax there. Here's something concerning something with which hope is pretty much gone: How is this done? Is there a way at all
(Later, at night, packing) ...Eh?? I decided to colour my natural-coloured wool undergown, and put it into the washing-machine with a packet of bright blue and a packet of purple, and also threw in an undergown of unbleached cotton, hoping for a lighter shade. I just went to check, and was confronted with a baffling mystery of impossible colour separation: the cotton gown turned a deep blue with not a hint of purple, while the wool gown turned a light heather - a very light, reddish purple with very little blue. Like, what?? I am dumbfounded and also more than a little disappointed: the heather will be really boring under my wine-red overgown. Should have stuck with just blue. But how, then, did the cotton gown turn the right kind of blue anyway?? 27 Jul 04: Cliches, Necessary "Näin kuolen hiukan joka päivä,
Kun menee metsään ja niitylle haltiakehiin (Later, after another exhausting conflict) Now, people, let's repeat a few things so that they become crystal-clear even to curious passersby after the latest: I was not the person responsible for the "gala", or the costume show with additions (as it actually was called this year). That was Lin. Moreover, I have never thought that the 'con is there for the gala or anything in it - what kind of an idiot do you take me for?? No, it's just one part of the entertainment: it just happens that it was one of the parts that I was concerned with, having a show there, and having been inofficial advisor to the whole thing. Neither have I ever thought that the gala is there for me (what a ridiculous idea!). I was not keen to be on display in our dance show; the part I danced was planned for another dancer, who decided to drop out, and I was the only one with sufficient technical skills to do it. All I wanted to do was to provide some entertainment for a program that had managed to secure very little of it. So - among other things - I was, and am speaking as, just another organizer of one part of a single entertainment program, it just so happens that that program a) required lots of help with props and other physical things b) was not given enough of it. And the same happened with the LARP I was running with Heli. A lot of preparation and props that were absolutely necessary for the mood of the game (Arabian nights), and that we were not helped with - particularly in the cleaning-up part. No, I was never saying that any single program organiser should be included in the connittee. I was bitter, because I offered to take responsibility, was denied it because of rather shady reasons (and was not even told about the decision until I spesifically asked, having heard of other arrangements already; was actually told that the hope was I'd never ask so they'd not need to tell me anything), and then because and only because I still wanted to be useful for the 'con, took on actual program jobs that ended up being much, much harder and less thankful than any responsibility I've ever had in the 'con before (yes, including the times I was responsible for LARPs, and I don't think it's because of sloppy work, as I got lots of praise for that for three years in the running). And no, neither was I not asked not-to-be the LARP organiser because I was asked to organise entertainment; that was never discussed. Those parts I offered all by myself. No, I never planned to, or wanted to, make any sort of an official statement saying the connittee sucked, or didn't work hard enough. I spesifically said they did - just that I, and Heli, worked unreasonably hard, didn't get enough help, almost ended in complete burnout, and felt unencouraged and un-thanked. And I most spesifically did not want to start any sort of "who worked hardest" competition on the connittee list. I guess it's pretty self-evident that if I'm feeling this bad about it, my opinion won't change - but I can see that others might be just as tired and feel just the same for their own part. And that's fine. This is how I feel. Feel. 26 Jul 04: A Few More Bits of Death The running went on through all of the weekend. Around me, Ropecon happened, I suppose. I wouldn't know, as making my parts of it happen took every single second of my waking hours (as well as most of those that should have been my sleeping hours) until Sunday four pm. I'm exhausted and unsatisfied - the work was so vast it did not and still does not seem worth the results - and more than a little bitter, too. It was not a pleasant feeling, sitting there at the closing ceremonies, looking at the connittee getting the applause and the thanks on the stage, when I had been denied a place with them and still had worked - and I mean worked, done things with my feet and hands and done them in a terrible hurry, not just wandered around overseeing things - more ceaselessly than any of them during all of the week and the con (I am not saying that most of them would not have worked very hard and done a great job; they did; I'm just saying I, and Heli, had to work unreasonably hard). I did not have a single second of pause until late Saturday night for an hour or two, and then none on Sunday again until four pm. This included most hours I should have been asleep. Okay, I got a badge for it - after I'd made a terrible noise that I deserved one - that named me the official entertainment slave. Not that that helped much except express some of the bitterness. I should learn by now that arranging entertainment for people is not worth it. I should also remember that the bitterness is not altogether, or perhaps even most, because of not getting official recognition - which, anyway, is something other people can pass with a shrug. It is also directed at people taking part in the dance project that did not realize how much work there was with the props and therefore did not think to help me, or even flat-out refused. I should perhaps learn from that, too: that there is a reason why projects have separate choreographers/directors and costumers. And I should also remember I am just generally feeling bitter about it all because of the stupid social porn that happened along with the dance project. I wrote many sentences about how I should have foreseen it; been wise enough to recognise that no matter how fair I want to be, there are some people with whom fairness is wasted... but then I looked at the words and remembered that at the beginning of this project, I really did not think it would be an issue. I honestly did not think they would get under my skin any more. And after that, it was really a bit too late to do anything. And so, every day before and during this con was another day of dying a bit - for caring too much, for worrying too much about other people's stress, for wanting too much beauty and perfection and trying not to burden others too much, for caring too much again. And as an ironical ending, once it's all over and I'm quite happily on my way home, Tommi gets mad at me because I dare to be polite to him right at the end of the event, and starts arguing with me over text messages about how awful it is when I come and try to exchange hellos and chat about what's up, because that is so meaningless compared to what we had, and because I should know he still hurts too much. I mean, what? We've been over for what, almost five years, and I'm supposed to pass him like a total stranger because he can't get over it? Sure I will, if he wants to, I just couldn't possibly know he still feels like that; it's not like we haven't been close during some of this time after, as well. Why, oh why can't people bloody grow up??? Oh well. Anyway, by now I'm pretty much okay - I'm not bitter at the con people, at least not to an amount I would need to parade at the afterparty or anything; I've mostly got it in my head that the exhaustion was another sad combination of too many things, and it's just another learning experience (never try to fit organizing a larp and organizing a performance in the same con); I've mostly learned to direct the anger where it should go: to certain people who have nothing whatsoever to do with the con itself. I don't know what I'm going to do about the last part yet, or if I can do anything. I still have lots of thought processes to work through about it, and anyway, I have to learn to deal with the fact that A Certain Someone will probably never speak to me again, or if he does, will be exceedingly, exquisitely nasty... and that despite hating his guts right now, knowing that fact makes me physically ill. I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. It's not fun, it's not glorious, it's not even anything to do with love. It's just insecurity and need for acceptance, and A.C.S. does not deal well with either in other people. A.C.S. does not deal well with me, period. Nor fairly. I should have learned this by now. And I thought I had, I really did. I thought I had seen him for what he was (not that I could claim to understand the depths of his soul - never - but seen what he is to others; how he deals with people) and got over it. It seems I had not. And I have not yet come to any conclusion as to why this was, and is, the case. All I can do now is take it easy, leave that one to be for now, and go enjoy the afterparty. (Night) Went to the afterparty (others call it the Dead Dog Party, but that sounds terribly artificial to me). It was more difficult than I thought. Had ciders and sauna, which was good. Cried a lot, which was not, but at least did it in reasonably private surroundings. Felt like shit. Talked with a couple of people who do not hate me now, hopefully. Did not talk with a couple of people who do hate me, or at least want payback, with a vengeance. Was planning to stay later, to maybe find the opportunity to sort a few things out, and had quite a bit of cider to curb one's pride and not let it control one's emotions. Then, decided it was wiser to take the ride home with Kalle after all. Still undecided whether it was only sensible, or cowardly. Hurting. Somewhat numbed by the cider, but not enough. Hurting very bad. It smells like August outside. Figures. 21 Jul 04: ...And Tempers Running without pause. No hope of making it to self-indulgences like gym (haven't been able to use Paula's transfer card a single time). Hunting for materials for props and costumes; practice; Magic Carpet proofreads, packing Magic Carpet props to be taken to Otaniemi tomorrow. Other people are exhibiting signs of panic, too (not altogether without reason). Will not have much time to sleep. Hope not to injure oneself in practice because of that. Why can't I ever learn? The support issue seems dealt with. I hope. But even so... thus, a bit every day. Remember subrule number one? No trusting any feelings after an unslept night. They're deceivers and connivers at this hour, nothing honest, nothing real. No, they are not your actual, unguarded feelings. 20 Jul 04: Heat Rising Only three days to go, and a mountain of things still to do. At least I've made proper lists by now, and it doesn't seem impossible. However, I have said the same thing many times before, and we know what happened... I dreamed a story where there was lost treasure in a house that was being turned into a common building, and I was the one who could figure out how to find the crown of the treasure, a huge ruby that everyone else presumed hopelessly lost. It was hidden inside a chimney, and there was a great sense of pride for overcoming my fear of sticking my hand into a dark hole that might be filled with spiders and other icky bugs, and for finding what no-one believed could be found. The sense of victory and pride has stayed at the back of my headspace all day (and been much needed and welcomed). Did a good couple of hours on the porch, proofreading the Magic Carpet materials (am now almost through). Auri visited, and I got her started on Firefly, hoping for another convert. After four episodes, she was interested enough to want more. Went to walk the dog and then to sauna with Anni. Now need to go to bed with the rest of the Magic Carpet stuff, and get up early to do lots of sewing stuff. Meeting Tiina at two to buy supplies for her as well as the dance project; then it's rehearsals again. We'll see how it goes. 19 Jul 04: Crash Burn Bang Why can't I learn not to let people get under my skin? Why can't I learn not to mind unkind words and thoughtless insults? Even when other people tell me they are undeserved, I still let them shoot me down. Why can't I learn the simple fact that some people are too self-absorbed to mind what they say to me, or to anyone? (Well, because - unfortunately - I know it's not "anyone", it's just me. And all I've done to deserve that; to deserve to be treated as a machine or a doll or a hostile salesperson; is to have had the audacity to care a bit in the past.) I don't feel too good about the dance project, or anything, right now. I have to mind everyone and everything in it, and I really don't feel comfortable having to take one of the three principal female parts myself (it was all arranged otherwise, but things changed for one participant and she won't be able to be involved after all): I am not yet in the shape I want to be, I am not as pretty as the person I have to replace, and above all, I don't want more people to go about saying I only do these things to get myself into the spotlight (it's not true). Someone has to do it, though, and I'm the only one who can, but I feel terribly insecure about it. So I really desperately need the support of everyone involved, and it's not particularly nice to receive the active opposite of support, even from one person. 18 Jul 04: Summer Meadows Back from the SCA camp. Was good. Ate too much, exercised too little - but some, anyway. Reconnected with lovely, lovely people. Felt a bit of an outsider from the hardcore partying, but on the other hand, maybe that's not really such a great loss. Drank one's fill of wildflowers and grass and cool waters and sun and night mists. Danced for the King (what an absolutely adorable person, this current King!) and got a ring as a reward; was quite overwhelmed. Also overwhelmed by hearing about how people really did appreciate the work I did for the dancing in Aarnimetsä all those years ago (okay, it was rather basic-level work, but I did it with all my heart and I did it for quite some time). And the overall generosity of spirit that I was welcomed with was also quite, quite wonderful. Now, back to rush and worry - less than a week to 'con. Dance practice again today. 14 Jul 04: Writings On The Wall It is time to remember the Rules, Ash-wing. You know, the ones that are all variations of Rule Number One: you may not be able to control what you feel, but you can and will control how you act on those feelings - or do not act, as it most often goes. Remember? So. Do not trust anything you feel after an unslept night. Recognise addiction and deal with it accordingly. Be particularly exact with old, past addiction. Do not confuse insecurity with loneliness, nor loneliness with desire. If there is no-one to help you with the confusion, such a person will not turn up by force even if and especially not if you push. And it's particularly important to remember that no-one already around will suddenly turn into such a person. If they might, they would have already. Do not, repeat, do not, ever, in any circumstances, think that something that was a mistake before might not be a mistake this time. It still is. What drove people away before will drive them away now. What was irritating before is irritating now. Especially when it's your job to remember and see beyond those things and into what they really mean, not other people's. Got that, birdie? Good. Yes. Now you know why you dreamt what you dreamt, and can put it in its place and to good use: fuel for the performances. No more, but certainly no less. (Night) Another subrule: self-pity leads only into worse situations and therefore feeling worse. I broke the last needle on the sewing machine in the morning, when finishing up a pair of wedding costumes, and so had to reschedule their pickup for tomorrow. Luckily, that meant I could get some sleep before going to town to get the key to the dance studios, to buy those needles and some more stuff, and to have a long rehearsal. The trio dance rehearsal was... well. I really don't know how I feel about it. We were trying a lot of stuff that none of us had ever done before, some of which was known to either Heli or me in theory. Some of it worked, some not. We didn't get as far as I had hoped, and I'm irritated and insecure about other people being irritated about my having to do certain parts personally. It was an exhausting and frustrating three hours, and afterwards, I was sorely in need of some reassurance that it didn't altogether suck and that I had not completely worn people's nerves out. Three guesses as to whether I got any... But even so (and even lacking the opportunity to have the background song sung live and in Finnish), even so when Anni just called and I started talking about it, I realised I still believe in it, and with a passion. I just hope... well. Passions are dangerous: they equal openness, which equals hurt. Passion needs to be answered by passion from other people, even if it's passion about a project. At least, mine do. Otherwise, I just feel rejected and beaten down. (Not that it really takes much to make me feel rejected, of course.) I'm going to be on the SCA camp from tomorrow noon until Sunday noon, so no updates until then. I have mixed feelings about going away so completely, if only for three days - I really couldn't spare the time, but it might be just the sort of break I need. Of course, I'll be taking lots of work: proofreading "The Magic Carpet", sewing, CD's to check the choreographies... I'm just a bit frustrated that I haven't had time to do anything about my garb - I'll just have to throw something together. Kalle is being a friend in need and is going to drive me there. I have no idea how to get back, but there must be someone who can fit me in... (Even later) Groping for words, catching none. They are strangers, hiding behind masks, mocking me and my fumbling attempts towards meaning - whether in words or movement. No, not even mocking; simply not caring. And as we know, I cannot deal with indifference - to me it is rejection. So if words and meanings are beyond me, where do I turn? Generally, to something unwise. Remember the rules, Ember-feather. Remember them even when you go and see lots of people tomorrow on the camp. (Yeah, it's a damned thing not to be able to meet things and people happily, but to be forced to work towards something that might at least approximate a positive attitude well enough to fool strangers or barely-acquantainces. But that's how it goes for such as me. It's rather a lot of work to tame fear and cover it up.) "...And the days keep running faster / into the arms of night..." (You know... in a way it's actually easier to go to that camp carrying the pain and exaltation of this old addiction. It means one won't set such inordinately weighty store on who one meets there and how, and therefore will probably be less worried, less panicky and less sharp. Silver lining and all that.) (But why must everything be a mixed blessing nowadays? Isn't there ever anything that would not be salted bitter with tears?) And thus I die a bit every day, 13 Jul 04: Oh, Much Better A lazy evening and a long sleep helped ever so much. Everything was still up in the air when I woke up, but by the time I met Auri for coffee in town around six, I had enough people, most of them available for rehearsals today, and a rehearsal time and place in an convenient location! And not only that, but when I missed my train for picking up some fabric I absolutely needed today, Auri was in position to get it for me elsewhere! The coffee chat was good, covering lots of important, emotional history. And the rehearsals were good, too: it seems this might work out, after all, with reasonably entertaining results. We'll see. I have hope, after today. I had been thinking that I might have to cancel on the SCA camp after all, for all these projects (and the fitness center membership that Paula transferred to me for the duration of her vacationing in the country), but in the end I decided I'll just have to fit it in. I've been wanting to go for so long, and I've agreed to meet people, and I really, really need a few days without any distractions, running around in a linen shift, sleeping between furs, and sewing without any burning hurry. Besides, it's only from Thrusday night to Sunday morning. The only problem is, I don't have a ride to Inkoo, and I really do need one, with all the furs and carpets and stuff... 12 Jul 04: Down, Down Low Was very tired between one project and the next, but Mom's birthday celebrations worked out pretty much okay. Then finally got to move on to the dance thingy and started rehearsals. Today - well, today is a low day, lacking in strength and belief both. None of this will work out. I spent a ridiculous sum of money on comfort food and reverted back to old illnesses. I'm tired and lonely and insecure and feeling every inch, every gram of all those facts. What did I think of? Why should I believe anyone would want to be in any of my projects? Why should anyone want to see them - they just believe I'm going out there because I'm so arrogant and self-centered? I'll just garner more hate and ill-spoken words; haven't I already seen that? I hate my life. And myself. 08 Jul 04: Rushing This Way & That Yesterday was... well, rushed. I finished Salla's gown the very minute we absolutely had to be out of the door for me to make it to the movie (barely). I had to re-sew some of the pleats, and they kept going wrong. I must have done those seams at least five times. Had no time to shower or anything, just threw some clothes, makeup and jewellery in a bag and ran. The movie was an extremely stylish comic-book pastiche, not a little melodramatic at times. Afterwards, had to change clothes and do something to my face and hair; meanwhile, people got bored of queuing at Santa Fe and moved to the other side of the street. Finally got to have food and drink and see people, but had far too little time to talk to anyone. And finally, the salsa "club" was closed; had closed at ten. Shouldn't that be called something else than a club?? Anyway, ended up at Vera's, who kindly offered a couple of us rum cocoa, walked with Paula to P&P's place to sleep. Not too awful, in the end. It was lovely to see people, anyway. Thank you, all of you who came or sent greetings. I was quite overwhelmed by your kindness. Presents, too, which I honestly did not expect - it was not like I was providing anything. Thank you. Today, slept too long, but Mom decided not to absolutely need me today, after all. Ended up doing some second-hand shopping and finding a late-birthday present at a Sateenkaari on Mannerheimintie: a lone bottle of Indecence, on sale at half-price!! Got it put aside for me, went to get some money... and noticed the wallet was left at home (yesterday, I just used the cash people gave me for the movie tickets, and kept thinking my wallet was at the bottom of the bag). Went back, begged, and had the bottle put aside on my name until tomorrow; Paula promised to pick it up for me. Have been quite inordinately excited about it. Vanity, ah, vanity... Been talking shop with Anni in preparation of Ropecon. We'll see. 06 Jul 04: Oblivious Hours Where did today go? I didn't really do anything much - just small puttering and one trip to town - and it's two am and lots of stuff still waiting. How time flies with creative stress... Anyway, about tomorrow. I sent email to people who'd reacted, but just in case someone wants to react even now: Spider-man 2 in Tennispalatsi 11 at 18.45; I made two extra reservations just in case. Dinner at Santa Fe, starting around 21.10 (here's hoping the patio won't be too full on a July Wed). Moving to Cafe Carusel for salsa some time after ten, probably before eleven. Nokia's your friend. And do come, if you feel at all like it. I won a half-bottle of Angel (the perfume) at huuto.net. Now I finally get to smell good again. Okay, it's not Organza Indecence, but since that one was discontinued... (BTW, if you know anyone who has half-used bottles of the latter in their bathroom cupboard, PLEASE tell me!) 05 Jul 04: Dragging Days & Disasters Last week, to put it mildly, was not my week. First the sleeping problems that I already mentioned got even worse, and I could get nothing done - I just drifted in one spot, for ever and ever. This caused other, immediate problems, the worst of which was that it pushed the work on Salla's evening gown further than we had anticipated, which resulted in more trouble and exhaustion and angst at the end of the week, even when the sleeping problem itself was on the way to being corrected. The trouble and angst was because I had to get the damned thing into some shape before leaving for Rajakatse on Saturday morning... except it turned out so time-consuming that I sewed all night and all morning and still was not done for the final fitting in time - so I had to cancel. Again. There must be a curse against my ever getting to Rajakatse! I was really, really unhappy about it - I had packed and made a new skirt and coloured my hair and resigned myself to rain (this is a concern for how I can style my hair and what hairpieces are therefore suitable) and everything - and I thought the GM's must feel I wasn't really planning on going at all, even this time... but that is absolutely not the case! However, I had taken on this job; I had not been able to work it in good time because of the sleep trouble; and I had to do it. If I could not deliver, Salla would have nothing to wear for the non-com officers' course ball, so... job had to come first. But why do events always end up stacking against me? Also, the bloody gown is still not done, and is still giving me headaches, backaches and general frustration. I've got to work on it pretty much overnight again, and I am thoroughly pissed already. Never, never, never again am I going to err into the combination of soft satin and organza; modern shaped patterns; and sewing for someone else (ie. obligated to professional - or as close as I can approximate - neatness). Never. These misfortunes, however unpleasant, were not the reason for the gap in writing, though. No, that was because of that anonymous comment last week. I just couldn't, not after that. And I actually don't want to go into the feelings it caused even now, though I know it would be good for me. (The worst part of it was the claim of having a double standard. It was the worst insult one could ever give me, as I try so desperately hard to be fair. I cannot always be nice to everyone, that I already know - there are things that hurt me too much; things I cannot let go, wise or not - but even so, and especially knowing that, I have tried and keep trying to be most exact in being fair towards the people involved in those hurts. I thought I had been able to, at least as far as I could see. I don't know. I suppose you could ask those people, but I don't want to start naming them here.) (I suppose there is also the possibility that the anonymous person has simply witnessed the difference between me in a good mood in general - which some have assured me is somewhat overwhelmingly positive - and me when dealing with idiots. It's true I'm somewhat quick to flare if people come to me to brag, make nasty jokes or otherwise behave like louts. I can't abide unthinking incorrectness, I admit that. I try to avoid it myself like plague. But to me, that's different. I can hate someone's guts, but I can still deal with them in matters where cooperation is required, and deal fairly. And my emotional reactions are not two-faced. They are what they are - sometimes unfortunately, though I try, especially these older years. I never, ever, ever plot my reactions according to whether they benefit me or not (except in the particular sense of teaching myself to react less often when hurt, so people would not get exasperated and go away). Never.) I am still dealing with this, so I don't think I'm yet very coherent about it. And this should not be taken as some kind of a statement. This is just... blowing the pain out. For what it helps, which is not much. Funny, though - I don't think what stupidities I might have ended up doing the night of that comment, if A Certain Someone of the past desire had not happened to call and been able to invite me over and give me some of the TLC that was so desperately needed, and lacking, right then. Not that it had more meaning than that... but not less either: a moment's friendly care and comfort. However, life's a bit more normalized now, and it seems I've got enough sense into myself to be able to communicate again. We had a nice RPG session here today; the sewing, though frustrating, is not completely blocked, and I've decided to celebrate my birthday on Wednesday by going to see Spider-man 2 with as many friends as are willing to join me, and then after some food (or drink) to party with a salsa band. As most of you probably already know, having received the invitation email. If you didn't, come anyway, and email me about reservations and tickets to the movie. (So far, I keep telling myself it's okay that of the people I wanted to see, the percentage of people who also want to see me is pitifully small... I did come up with the idea so late... and it's the middle of the week... and everything...) Sometimes - right now, for example -I think this balance act of trying to keep a public diary is impossible. Addressing other people and writing about one's own insecurities don't go well together. No matter how real and honest the latter, combined with something meant as actual communication it only comes out whiney. Whatever. At least I broke the prison walls built by Anonymous. I guess it should count as some sort of a victory, but I can't feel it. |