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31 Jul 05: Veils, On & Off

Spent Thursday and Friday mostly fighting the throat ache left by the flu and trying to recuperate for the trip to Turku and Mike's space game (and moping about not being able to go to the SCA camp at all).

The game was a good experience for me, mainly because our group was exotic enough to be entertaining and because we had a nook of our own, decorated with mats and curtains and pillows and all kinds of things, so if one felt disoriented in any way, one could go there, take shoes off and settle into my own little corner at the back, behind one more curtain, and just take a moment. It was also surprisingly relaxing to be swathed in so many layers of clothes I could for once forget about my weight or the width of my waist (lucky enough, as so many pretty girls with waists that are naturally good already were wearing lovely corsets). I was hot, my turban and its attachments were constantly on the verge of collapsing, my eyeliner ran badly, and I had not slept, but I could just sit behind my glittery layers and my veil and concentrate on oozing poise and exotism. I'm sure our group's experience was not typical of the rest, and I was in a special position even in that, but even so, most people seemed to have quite a lot of fun. Of course, the game world is rather thin yet and needs more meat on its bones if there's to be any continuation, and I'm not so sure the movie presentations worked quite as they were intended, but there definitely was a general air of satisfaction around.

My game was interesting for trying to get into a cultural mindset that was twice unknown to me personally: that of (rather liberal, but devout) islam and that of benevolent matriarchy, and I think I learned a couple of things. I won't go into the religious aspect (most of it was familiar from the time of "The Magic Carpet" game), but trying to take on the dominant gender role (that of a head of family, no less) was new for me, and I may not have thought of it enough beforehand. I had to do some rather thorough thinking inside the game when my character realised she wanted to pursue a certain young man in her vicinity. I had to stop myself from moping about in corners in a hurt manner after the first very delicate suggestions and just as delicate and polite hesitations and decide that in my position and with my (character's) personal assets of all sorts, one does not think twice of continuing the pursuit, even more determined to show one's worth. Didn't have time to put the plan into action, though, before other matters interfered. Also realised have to come up with a new schtick (this was the second time in as many games I found myself in a long, impassioned speech to persuade a young man not to go off into an undesirable life for a woman, and on both times it happened to be the same player - Nino - at the receiving end; he said it did jar him a bit, even though it flowed very naturally from the events of the game in both cases).

It was interesting. And there were lots of movies and lots of apple tea and filo trifles and and culture clashes, and I had a hoot trying out different levels of pretend-bad Ankian (off-game Finnish) on different customers.

And Jukka played Tom Cruise.

Let's just enjoy that last sentence in all its mindboggling glory. (No no, he was not bad at it - he was actually pretty good. He was about as close to the actual specs as a LARPer in Finland could be, and I have been assured from several instances that he was totally believable. For me, it was simply too much of a clash of spheres, which is nobody's fault but my own, but even I can say it was a very commendable effort. And when I demanded a comment on the Katie issue during debrief, he even did the jumping-up-and-down incident! It was just the combination of Tom Cruise in a science fiction game, meeting all those aliens for real for the first time, and my dear friend who is one of the most self-conscious people in the world bravely taking on the challenge. It was definitely a highlight to last.)

And I am endlessly happy that people in our group bothered to plan and build that bazaar nook for ourselves, as it helped the experience immensely in a purely physical sense. It did mean a lot of packing and was rather exhausting after the game, but it still was worth it.

I stayed over in Turku - people who rode with me in the morning all agreed that I needed to stay somewhere and sleep, and found other rides for themselves. I tried to socialize at Cosmic a bit, but finally gave in and went to crash into lovely, deep, black sleep on the mattress bed that Eva and Mattias kindly offered me. In the morning I had pizza at Mike's with a couple of people and then managed Moya the Car home, giving Irre and Hakkis a lift on the way.

Now I'm just watching a French soap opera until I fall asleep - my French is already very slightly more functional than it was. Tomorrow, some exciting sewing and Kay's Last Light of the Sun, finally...

28 Jul 05: Uncomprehending Despair

I don't get this.

There's nothing wrong with me. All my blood tests gave normal results, including red cells, white cells and the one that shows any possible inflammation.

So why am I ill all the time? Even now when moods are no longer dragging me down??

The nurse on the phone could not find anything else for advice than just eat and sleep healthily and go walking a lot. Okay, I could do more of the last, but I don't feel as if that could possibly be the solution. I'm eating mostly normally - much more normally than at some stages of my life - and at least it can't be too little sleep.

I so hoped those blood tests would give some answers, and now I don't know what to do.

26 Jul 05: ...Piling Them Up

I guess I have to bury the plan to go the SCA camp, with this throat still being so sore and all. The good news is, I made it to the ER, sat and waited for a couple of hours, and had my tenacity rewarded by blood tests, the results of which I get to know already tomorrow! Hopefully will be a bit wiser then.

Have a car in my use for the rest of the week, could travel, but have no destination. Well, at least it'll be easy to get to Mike's game and back. And one can always sew. One should.

...Though it really does bother me about missing the camp on top of the 'con.

Difficult to write about one's feelings anymore, with this slide towards public face. Don't like it; it wasn't the plan. Have to shake myself again.

Neruda's autobiography is gripping and fabulous and colourful and so magical it feels like childhood, like being drugged, like being in love. It is highly deserving of its reputation, and I should learn to believe in such. I've resisted reading it for a long time simply because I thought it could not help to be dry and plodding, being a factual autobiography. I should, I should learn by now - I mean, I know language is magic to me, so why resist the greatest magicians of all?

Well, no longer. Neruda, and then sleep.

25 Jul 05: Still In Pieces

Haven't been able to update because the computer was serving at Ropecon. I, on the other hand, wasn't. Been ill since Thursday: it turned out to be a proper flu. Improper, rather - I haven't missed the 'con ever since I first went in -95. Now I had to, along with any possible money (no matter if it were not much) I might have made at the fleamarket table.

Still pretty badly off. Still considering the ER option (it would have made no sense to go there in the middle of this, when it turned out it was just an ordinary flu, if a rather bad one - besides, was too tired anyway).

Had interesting dreams, though. Some consolation, that. And as a result of one of them, reconnected with bro (I've sort of slid into calling Paula when wanting to communicate with them - some subconscious "girl-stuff" feeling, I suppose).

(Night) Achy and restless. No longer ill enough to sleep all the time, and there's nothing good on TV. In great need of chocolate, again. Only now realizing how thoroughly broken my physique must be, as started counting flu bouts and other physical drop-outs for the past year. I really want to get better, healthier, have a normal life. And I can't, if I get ill after every single ballet lesson or other serious exercise that I try!

Still hoping to at least visit the SCA camp this week, and be healthy for Mike's game next Saturday.

21 Jul 05: Broken Physique

I'm ill. Again. Throat seriously sore; badly aching all over, sharply hurting in too many places. Have to take painkillers constantly, mostly for the general aching, as it's the sort that just makes you squirm and whine like a baby (most of the sharp hurts seem not inconsistent with productive muscle soreness, there are just abnormally many of them at the same time). Can't do anything. Can't sleep it off either, as too stressed to sleep; also, the only painkiller in the house (that works, that is - paracetamol is only good for exactly an hour and a half) is flu medication that includes caffeine.

Feel totally beaten and broken. Lately I've been flu-type ill for nearly every month right before my period, which is already too much. And now I get incapacitated one way or another after every one or two ballet lesson! Of course I'd expect to be sore, but I know soreness, and this is far beyond that. This is so not about my moods, my general emotional shape is much better (and medication regular); it's simply my body coming apart. What am I to do? Should I go to the ER or not? I only have a slight fever, but I do feel physically miserable, and I'd have to start any check-up at the Peijas night ER anyway, as there is no daytime emergency at Tikkurila, and I can't get a regular appointment because I have some unpaid visitation bills (not that I intend to keep it that way, but at the moment there's not anything I can do - except get those clothes projects finished and all the discards to the Ropecon fleamarket table, which are both impossible now because of being ill). But even if I drag myself to the ER, they surely won't be able to arrange for all tests and stuff there right now, and I'd have to take care of going to them myself in the daytime, and I know I'd chicken out.

I know I have to do something sooner or later, and now it seems the limit is here and it has to be sooner. But... what can I do?

And why does all this have to be right now?

20 Jul 05: Exhausted

Didn't sleep too well last night because of those infected blisters. Consequently, was not at all as productive this morning as hoped, though worked diligently for a few hours. Ari dropped by to say hi and then gave me a lift to town; I met Tiina and did the final shopping for her Italian dress (which I'm really eager to make!!) and drooled at new and infinitely fascinating trims at Nappitalo. Also found a nice red fabric for Salla - at least I hope she will like it (as usual, now that I'm home, it doesn't feel as wonderful as it did in the store...). Then met Jatuli-baby and got rid of some costume pieces. Also drank far too much coffee.

Ballet lesson - well, this was one of those days when nothing goes right, and I felt wobbly, weak, and had no pelvic control - no tuck-in and pull-up at all! Last week I complained that my back extensions felt like the upper part of my butt was this huge lump of dead, paralysed and nerveless meat; today that condition seemed to have moved to my lower abdomen (possibly due to natural womanly cycle, irritating enough in itself - so I just hope this weakness isn't going to become a monthly occurrence as well!). And since all control in ballet starts right from the lower abdomen/pelvis... the rest was self-evident. And tomorrow I'm taking the first lesson on the more advanced level, so may be even more frustrated and miserable... (I know I'm still really not in the shape to work properly on that level, but there aren't that many lessons in the summer schedule, and I really, really want to take as much advantage of everything there is.)

Shoulders are all achy and non-working, too.

Will go to sleep now, so may possibly get up early enough tomorrow.

19 Jul 05: ...Almost Like (Physical) Life

Got up at ten, even before alarm went off. Accomplished a lot of sewing: Tomi's renaissance doublet is starting to look like a doublet; now just hope the rest of the costume works out, too (I'm particularly worried about the slops - I hate figuring out the fit of men's pants). In ballet, had a challenging lesson - turnout was nonexistent, tummy all too evident, overall feeling bloated and weak, but the new teacher, while initially somewhat intimidating, presented nice, dance-able combinations. Went to a quick dinner with Irre, bumping first into Heli and then Satu on the way. Arranged small stuff for Ropecon, made a date with Tiina to get the rest needed for her dress, so can hopefully get that for her for the 'con as well.

It's amazing how a proper horizontal workout can help to clear the mind and let one focus on work (Well, maybe it's not that amazing to most of mankind that Getting Some has a calming effect, but I seem to have been without for long enough to forget that common piece of wisdom. It was highly refreshing, and much welcome.)

Now reading Orhan Pamuk, Earth by David Brin and getting sidetracked by old favourites on the way. Really, really need to return to Suvi's bookshelves to get the rest of Tad Williams's Otherland and Cherryh's Foreigner tetralogy (am so fangirling the latter!). Still desperate for Kay's Last Light of the Sun, which seems fated never to arrive here at all.

Someone needs to prod my relatives or relatives-of-relatives in France and Spain and get them to find an interesting man for me. It's clearly as probable to happen here as that darned Kay book.

(Night) AAAAARGHHH!!! OWWWWW!!! How can a pair of inflamed blisters on big toes be too painful for sleep??? Blessed, blessed unfinished infection-meds and the miracles of paracetamol (for lack of anything else)... I've got hot and cold shivers all over for the pain, which is pretty amazing in itself and needs to Stop Now. (How can a burning in the big toe reflect at the side back of the neck and upper arm anyway??)

(For the uninitiated, no, they're not caused by ballet. Regular lessons don't include pointe work, and I don't want to waste my time stressing about pointe even on the one that does, because it's just not useful any longer. I could go back on pointe, I happen to have naturally strong ankles, but as the rest of me just isn't built for classical ballerina stuff, tiptoeing around in a tutu isn't much of a realistic option any longer.) (So, the blisters: just summer, no stockings and new shoes. But OW, does it hurt!)

18 Jul 05: Getting Busy

Such fun, coming home at five in the morning from a bit of (safe) adventure.

Sewing. Finally got properly back into it.

Ballet... well, working towards functional hobby.

Want. Curls. Badly.

17 Jul 05: HBP

Got the new Harry Potter yesterday (Paula reserved it for me as a birthday present). Couldn't finish it in one run, as was still a bit tired yesterday, though it seems Tiina's suggestion about possible lack of iron seems to have been the magical missing link. Anyway, finished today. Thought it was quite acceptable, though nothing earthshattering - tighter and more polished than the two preceding volumes, clearly written for teenagers (I doubt many children get past the first two chapters, as they don't have the protagonist in them, and aren't particularly funny), very logical continuation of the themes and plots set up before. Many of the great plot points were rather self-evident - which might mean either fitting or a bit dull (I tend to lean towards fitting) - but there were some delightful surprises in the how and why, and some other, smaller things. As I guess I have to count myself a fan, I was entertained enough. There are some tricks of Rowling's that I really admire. One is the ability to look at the teenage follies of romance from a boy's perspective - ie. refreshingly laconic, but by no means unobservant. Another is to bring in just enough new supporting characters so that the central characters stay in the central focus, instead of it wandering here and there to the hordes of the regular supporting cast (I'm sure ardent fans would love to see more of them, as delightful as many of them are, but that would mean the story getting out of hand). It was also nice to see the teenagers in this one acting more like real teenagers...

(And the silly fan in me loves, loves, loves that that one supporting character 'ship happened, youknowtheoneifyouvereadit! I thought it was perfectly fitting and not at all out-of-the-blue! As to the teenagers' love affairs, I really don't care that much, and they clearly are not as important to the saga as the emphasis on the loyalty of friends and family love. I'll just keep reading the later-age fanfics of my favourite flavours.)

(The silly fan is also much pleased with Rowling showing that Draco Malfoy is just... Not. That. Cool. All parts of me, not just the silly fan, have always heartily disapproved of people who identify with the Slytherins or the Death Eaters or "fangirl" them. Evil just isn't fine. Hurting people is bad, and there's not but about it. And Draco Malfoy is just an unpleasant little bully, nothing else.)

Oh yeah, I've also been reading a couple of "real" books on the side, but more of them when I'm finished.

14 Jul 05: Odd

I think something's not quite right. I seem to be constantly tired - not just because of the heat, but I seem to need an awful lot of sleep. Even if I wake up quite normally, I start to feel like a nap in a couple of hours, and the nap stretches to another full sleep. And I'm kind of achy and irritated all over. I don't think it's food, either, as I've been eating quite properly.

Should probably do something about this. This is not good.

Along my latest multitude of dreams, there was a very strange episode where, among the goings-on of a renaissance court, I had the ability to be split in two (or even more, but somehow all the several me's had ended up in two as the most natural separation). There was this gorgeous man that I had noticed and that had maybe also noticed me, and in a back kitchen, I had a discussion with the other me where I was quite sure she would go and have him without first becoming one with me (the half through whom I was seeing the dream), leaving me behind, and I kept begging her not to do that... It was as if she was the me who had everything okay, and I was the me who had no self-confidence or anything else for that matter. In the end, the other half proved me wrong simply by going and fetching the man and bringing him to me(us), and then everything was perfectly fine. (Quite fine indeed - this dream-man even said something like I should never be anything but one with him, because the fire he felt might just kill him, and if that happened, he really wanted to die with all of me... I never have dreams like this!)

The rest was less interesting, as usual.

12 Jul 05: These Things Are Good

The coolness of night after all the heat that the house stores during day.

The bridges of high clouds over the reaches of morning sky.

That moment of restless whispering in the trees right before the sun rolls up.

The warmth of the first rays, in the hill of the faerie circles, after several impatient minutes of waiting (altogether longer than one expects even after there is that wavery front of transparent gold in the horizon...).

Wild strawberries!

Harebells.

The fragrance of clovers warming in the sun.

I screwed up my timetables yesterday, again, when trying to stay awake until evening, and caused other people considerable bother, which is not good. However, I feel better now. Stronger, a bit. More hopeful.

Birthday party was the usual: not too many people, but from different friendship circles, so they must have been a bit bored, not knowing each other that well. I wish I knew how to throw better parties. Also, Irre took me out to celebrate on Thursday, and I couldn't sleep after the dancing and the heavy food and the alcohol (not that there was that much of it, my stomach's just completely out of practice), so I had to sleep in the day, as a consequence of which the cake wasn't done until very, very late... But I was really happy of everyone who could make it, anyway.

The weekend... well, that was time of sleep, then, again. Which was Not Good, as I had planned to go to Tofa's SCA evening, and then on Sunday to watch dance videos. So, yesterday was not that unexpected, but I hoped I could catch up by then. No such luck. But today - today I'll hang on to the brightness of the sunrise and try to make it. I really, really want to go to ballet - I'm feeling very happy about the lessons, and highly hopeful of shedding more pounds.

(P.S.) The house connection was down on Thursday and Friday, so any mail sent then has probably bounced. I didn't have access to my own files or email until yesterday, but now everything should be working fine.

(Evening) Victory!! At least for now... Good lesson, good friend and coffee later, and now: good night!

06 Jul 05: A Little Less... Of Everything

I still wasn't too well today, and time was seriously running out, so I counted pluses, minuses and reasonable expectations versus available time plus amount of stress and came up with such an alarming number to the negative that I gathered up my will and cancelled this summer's project. It's too bad, because the idea was good, and I'm sure other participants would have wanted to help, but after this damned flu there was simply too little time to do everything that there was to do, and we saw where that led last summer. Not again.

But I do feel better now that I can go to lessons, and it's only for me - like I was supposed to do, right? I already tried to bare the project down before, but it didn't stay that way, so... no sense driving oneself to despair again. And now I do feel easier. Bittersweet, but easier.

I might even see if the basic larp track still needs that lecture about the conclusions of last year's panel on writing characters.

Mom tried to guilt-trip me about her having to spent birthday (hers, today) alone. Well, duh - that's what friends are for, and one won't have those either unless one invites them. Apropos which, it seems everyone is somewhere, and out of many invitees, only a few will be able to come on Friday for cake and stuff, but I'm trying to think positively - there'll be less cooking and cleaning to do, so I'll be able to take tomorrow easier, meet Mom and Paula for coffee (which hopefully will make up for today's shameful neglect of family obligation). (And at least I did invite people and not just hint and moan afterwards...)

I'm so glad I can now try and sort out my timetables (upside down again because of the flu) and my ballet lessons and my shaping project without stress over how it all would hinder getting other people to learn stuff.

I have been having several extremely unpleasant dreams where my ex-husband (whom I still cannot stand, not even cordially, no matter that he never abused me like Tommi - my choosing to be with him was my own subconscious abuse from the beginning, to be with someone whom I never fell in love with and whom I thought was the best I could get: an insult to both me and him) is trying to hang around, and no matter how emphatically I tell him I don't want any sight of him, he keeps pestering me out of sheer malice hidden under the pretension of humour. They have really, really not been nice dreams, and I can't figure out what they are trying to tell me, as I generally think of him as little as possible. I don't hate him personally - I'm sure he loved me quite selflessly - but I do hate what he, and the memory of him, represents for me; how little I thought of myself then, not even realising it in any way at all.

However, on a lighter note: last night (well, day) my dreams sprung a bit of compensation on me. Two bits, actually. In the first I arrived on an enchanted island to wake a sleeping prince who just happened to be Orlando Bloom (sleeping in the nude, so you can infer the rest from there). In the second I was in a frontier larp/story where, for some odd reason, Spike was hanging out with the settlers (in his modern-day guise, and yes, it was James Marsters, when he was still younger and hot). And took a liking to me, despite someone I know and consider much more attractive than I am trying to hit on him really hard. And then we had adventures all around the place. Not too bad.

I finally got to see the classic film version of The Lion in Winter, on gracious loan from Clo. I saw the play a few years ago, but this film is simply exquisite, and it was wonderful to hear the fantastic dialogue in its original. The casting is suberb - everyone is even more effective than I expected - and then, of course, to top it all, there's Hepburn. The story is bitter and terrible and breathtaking... but in the end, all that awful pain simply for two people who could not grow up enough to either let each other go or let be - I just... hope I won't end up like that.

How much less pain would there be in the world if those who love and hate expansively would learn to choose wisely? And/or if those who don't do either would learn to dare a bit more when love and kindness are concerned? There has to be wisdom in the middle of those two extremes, but I'm too tired and muddle-headed to make it sound good right now.

05 Jul 05: ...Uselessly

I'm tired, I feel sick, nothing's working, and I hate everything.

(Night) Just as a mildly uninteresting sidenote - this time last year I was also revisiting old considerations on terminal options. I should never try to have parties. Or projects. Or anything.

04 Jul 05: Gasping For Breath

Time flies, and even when I try to get off my butt and have a life, I'm thwarted: I got a flu and spent most of Friday to Monday sweating under blankets. Don't yet know how well I am - we'll have to see - but I'm really hoping it's done by now.

So, only one ballet lesson last week, projects delayed, and as usual, only now getting out invitations to my birthday party on Friday. Also as usual, readers are cordially invited (just let me know).

Grumpy, impatient, conflicted, stressed. So what's new?

At least it's true summer, finally, and green enough to drown in, or just float in it and take it in with every cell. And I still have a couple of good books to read. And there'll be an unofficial SCA evening on Saturday, and dance videos on Sunday. Now if only the dance project works out, everything should be okay. However, for that I should get better and stop being this tired...

Lots of memes and tests have been doing the rounds. I don't think this is a blog, but even so, I tried to do the MIT one - but could not get very far, as they wanted random links from my blog, and they are too few and far in between (as my regular links are not on this actual page, of course). So, I suppose it has been proven that I am not writing a blog. On the Buffy personality one I got either Willow or Tara, but it kind of discredits it that the difference between those two was the choice to be either a social-care professional or an artist, with the artist getting me Tara. Despite the determining factors sucking, I actually thing Tara is the closest to me (though she is totally the uncoolest Scoobie, no matter how lovable - but maybe that fits, too?). And I am not going to start taking random books out of my shelves and reading lines here or there, because they are alphabetised, general fiction and SF separately. All I can say about the book memes is, I wish I had more books. Not that I can really complain that much, with all these lovely friends who let me peruse and use their bookshelves with abandon. I guess I really wish I had read more books by now. There are too many books in the world, and I spent too many years on rereads...

Then there was that very interesting test on emotional intelligence and structural intelligence. I was surprised I did rather well on the structucal scale, and delighted, too, because I think it was somewhat fitting. No matter how much people write me off as nothing but emotional, I actually love to figure out how things work - all and any things (except for engineer stuff, and even then I'm not deathly bored by explanations). I want to find reasons and connections and see structures, and that needs information on nitpicky details as well. And I don't pretend that it's cool to react emotionally if that means flying off the handle and being proud of it. I'm not. People should think before they act. However, I do feel that it's understandable that sometimes that doesn't happen, and it's okay.

The interesting part was that I didn't do as well on the emotional scale as I thought. This made me do some thinking, as I admit I'd kinda prided myself on my ability to understand people's reactions. I realised that I do understand, but being as carefully introspective (read: emotionally terrified) as I am at this time and place, I don't act based on that understanding. I don't try to make others more comfortable and to further general understanding and cooperation, even when I see it would be good, because I just... don't. And this is something I should really, really work on. What's the point of knowledge without putting it to use?