26 Jul 06: Overextension Is Not Us

Tried too much in too short a time, again. Too much stress and running around, too little sleep. Should learn by now that that is not a recipe I can safely employ for anything more than a day, maybe. So this morning, when the plan was to get up at seven, finish a doublet, do a ballet barre at home, pack, go to town to meet Tomi and then leave for the SCA camp... exhaustion caught up with me and brought a friend along, and so migraine took the day.

Idiot me. But what else could I have done, what with the messup with the meds losing me four days last week?

So I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay not to have anything new to wear for the camp, not even one of those long-planned-for Italian outfits, not even a proper cape/cloak (the fur-lined cape has been in the plans even longer, and it never seems to happen). And that it's okay not to have anything for the A&S competition, again. That it's okay just to go. But even so, I should finish that doublet, because it's for someone else, and I actually need the money before I leave, I do.

And it's eleven pm, and I'm still tired and achy and non-working. I don't know how it's going to be tomorrow morning, trying to get going early so as not to miss the camp altogether.

It's not fun to be this weak.

24 Jul 06: Calling Mr. Morpheus

The profound sympathy that I feel right now for any and all people who have ever suffered from insomnia cannot be described - particularly as it's strengthened by the goodwill from the relief of finding one, just one leftover sleeping pill, and therefore knowing I will get to sleep. Sleep, blessed, beloved, adored sleep! I slept for three hours last night and still could not reach it, even though it's half past two am and I've been exhausted all evening (practically useless in the Firefly session, too, which is a great pity). But now, I will be able to dive right into the arms of Mr. Dark- And-Brooding-And-Incomparably-Cool! Saunter, even! I wasn't really pacing around the house, desperately sighing after you, raiding through the mess in my bedroom to find that magical key to rest, no, of course not... I will be able to glide into dreams just like that, just as effortlessly as usual...

If I sound somewhat delirious with relief, I am. And if you think it's odd, you haven't ever been in the throes of insomnia. This is a new phenomenon for me, so it's taken me completely unprepared. I get shivers just thinking about having this as a chronic condition, and I really, really wish help for people with such...

But now, the silkily drifting river is calling...

23 Jul 06: Recurring Exhaustion

Stupid, stupid birdie, forgetting the damn meds for long enough that dizziness set in, which means the effect has to basically build all over from the beginning - so with the added stress of waiting for the Showcase to appear, I've been completely done in since Thursday. I had plans to join Mirka&co. at the Hollola medieval market, but no go, and I haven't been sewing at all - which really screws up my schedules.

Today, I had to psych myself up for dance practice, so now I'm again a limp rag. Other people say it's shaping up quite okay, just as nicely as before - but I feel my steps are all just the same old same old, and even if people won't recognise what it actually is that's being reused, they will feel they've seen this before. Had I been able to take classes regularly, this would probably not be such an issue, as then my active step vocabulary would be larger (just as with languages). Now it's all a drag and a bother, and, not believing in myself, I still have to make other people believe in me and in this production. (Don't get me wrong, the overall idea is a great one, it's just the steps that I'm not happy with). And this year, a lot of my dancers have vacations in the country and stuff...

Well, we'll see. I'm trying to believe those others who sound reassuring, and just push through. Pushing through is my lesson of the season, anyway.

I think I need a cup of coffee before I take up the sewing again. I'm so tired I can't even interest myself in as sweet a movie as Save the Last Dance...

21 Jul 06: Featured

So, it's in: my Venetian dress for Heli is featured in the Italian Showcase at "The Realm of Venus". I'm terribly excited and terribly, terribly nervous. But isn't she looking lovely? I only wish I could have got someone else to do the photographing, as my aim is fuzzy and my angles odd (I think Heli is much more beautiful actually than my poor pictures made her). I'm quite happy with the new sleeves, though. And for the rest, I know where I didn't do it in the historically proper way (most of the trim is machine-sewn), and it was okay with Heli, who just wanted something pretty. And pretty it is.

Yesterday was woozy and tired, and today I overslept. Hope it gets better now that the worry for the presentation is over.

19 Jul 06: Pirates

Went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 with Lissu, and then to hear all about her LA trip. Was immensely entertained by both activities. :) I thought the movie was much more fun than the reviews had led me to expect - so what if it was overblown; there were so many campy elements in the first one already, where else could they have gone? Besides, Will got to be decisively and competently heroic, which had my heart all aflutter. And the three-man swordfights were breathtaking!

Otherwise, more costuming stuff and more playing around with my picture pages.

18 Jul 06: Photo Business

Have been insanely busy planning for, taking, and editing photos for something that some of you may remember, and the rest will hear in a couple of days.

It feels good to conquer one's own fears. Well, no, it doesn't, but it can clearly be seen to be good, and therefore there is contentment on a level above that of basic needs.

Dad and Satu-Tuutu came and went, on their way to Athens for a Herbalife conference. Left me some protein-shake powder as well, which is good for the shaping-up project (the shakes actually taste tolerable, I can attest to the health benefits from when I had the stuff in winter, and they work for me, since I tend to eat my meals in a continuous stream of snacks which is, of course, awfully difficult to control - have a shake, and you know that's it, you don't need anything until the next meal). No, I still don't get their mad enthusiasm, but I guess it can be expected when one becomes involved financially.

I'm so nervous about this project involving the photos. But excited, too. In a healthy way.

16 Jul 06: ...But Can Be Accessorised To Pass

Actually enjoyed myself at Sotahuuto (a 270-person event of boffer-fighting scenarios and camping), made myself moderately useful (could have been more, but that's all they wanted of me), got another old project (the second in a pair of tabletwoven leg bands) off my hands and advanced considerably with another. Lots of sun, wind and grass. Dancing in the night. Sociable feeling. A flu that I'm fighting every inch of the way. An enjoyable time watching other people sweat, run and hit each other with soft sticks.

Today, dance practice, and though we got less done than we could have, it wasn't too bad. I seem to have a terminal case of scatterbrain every time I begin teaching a choreography (I put in too much stuff when I plan; I just dance and forget to count and then don't do it in the same tempo when teaching; I expect other people to get the words and therefore the style unrealistically fast...), Still, at least we're properly started now. Next Sunday, we'll pick up the pace some more, when most of the dancers can make it. Except, where can I find a young man who knows which leg is which and how to move them a bit? We desperately need one more male dancer, or this just won't do.

After practice, Sanna invited us over for some barbecue, as we were starving, and we also met their new cat, an absolutely adorable little foundling with the sweetest, friendliest temper ever - I can't possibly fathom how anyone could have abandoned such a beautiful and loving cat! Well, at least she'll now be loved back as much.

The only non-good thing was a terrible nightmare this morning, when I overslept a little (not that I had any set tasks left for this morning at Sotahuuto). It was one of those things that feel altogether too real, the horror being in humiliation and abandonment. Putting it that way - abstracting the main causes of terror - finally makes me feel less terrified in remembering it. I hope tonight will be easier...

So, having managed a higher level of activity again, I feel I have earned a good night's sleep, and plan to conquer this flu right now.

13 Jul 06: Busy Doesn't Become Me

Kaustinen was great, much more fun than I expected it to be. Wanted to stay longer. Still botched today, and several things were left undone, because I was just too tired.

Have to go elsewhere tomorrow again - too early to my taste, too little time to get things done. Not good. Why is there never a good, productive balance between total inability to do anything and altogether too much stuff?

08 Jul 06: Lovely Leisure Time

Party was nice; at least some of the very important people could make it, some came whom I hadn't seen for far too long, and it was great to see everyone. It was too hot to do much except drink liquids, eat ice cream and strawberries and/or cherries and manage some wrist movement for fanning oneself, but it was all good. And I was given some utterly lovely flowers!

Today, Amatsonien kuningatar ("Queen of the Amazons") was just as great as I expected it to be. I got my sleeves modified and didn't even have much time to worry about whether I looked the part. The weather was perfect for a game that took place in the Sahara, everyone looked fantastic (and so did the sheik's tent, which made me happy, seeing the SuoLi props put to good use), and everything was just an utterly delightful adventure-pulp romp! Men (and women) were heroic, villains were villainous (some of them nobly and some... not), and everything was altogether grander than life! I was the official damsel in distress, and though my numerous encounters were a bit less dramatic than I expected, they were quite satisfying nonetheless! It was and romantic and bittersweet and mysterious and felt exhilarating in just the right way and right amount. I'm still on a happy high, and only regret that my body put a stop to the plan to go to the bar with some of the other players. It noted the four hours it slept - fitfully - last night and the strain of the heat and walking in soft sand and said no, it wants its rest. Stupid body.

Such fun I had! More, want more games like this!

(Oh, and my hair colour is better and less orange than I feared, so that's good, too. Except for the part where it coloured my sweat and my forehead red in the heat...)

06 Jul 06: Taking It Easy, Then

Decided not to cancel the party - I didn't want this to seem like another one of those things that I thought I could manage and then didn't. So all are still welcome, even if you haven't RSVP'd. But it's not going to be that big, and there's not going to be any dancing, just an ordinary hanging-around sort of party. And I'm not going to do a big thorough cleaning, just some. But there's going to be cake. And sauna, provided I am sucessful in killing of the yet-another infestation of ants (not that they're dangerous, but they're icky anyway).

Am frustrated at my own inability to be energetic when there's so much to do. But I guess it can't be helped now (just tolerated).

(Night) ...But there are small pleasures to be had: Paula was a darling once more and did my perm! So now I'm curly and happy again, and won't have to worry about my hair so much on Saturday - no matter how much hairspray I used, no rolled curls would hold in the heat that's been promised! The heat's actually just right for the game, so now that I have my perm, I have no complaints.

05 Jul 06: Ah, That Explains This

Seems that this sleepiness has been because... ta-daa, I've caught another flu. Because it's so hot and because I haven't been forced to move much during these days, I didn't realise it at first. I just thought this constant headache was due to heat and oversleeping. But when I had to take a few running steps to catch the bus yesterday, to go to a Firefly RPG session, my throat was about to kill me, and I had no strength at all (even on my still-too-moderate scale). And no chance of moving more after that, and still too much sleep. My temperature was slightly high, but I'm not sure if it can be called proper fever. Have to see how I feel today, and if I have to cancel Friday night's party (not that it seems to be shaping into anything grand anyway). But if so, I'll let everyone know personally.

The Firefly campaign continues to feel good, though, and to raise my self-confidence in roleplaying. And the LARP expectations are still high, higher than demands on own looks, which is also good (I'm just hoping that can last until the game itself).

Been reading and watching some movies, but am too tired right now to write any thoughts on them.

04 Jul 06: Mixed Feelings

I'm very, very glad that I managed to drag myself into that car instead of staying home, feeling sorry for myself for missing a couple of things I'd planned to accomplish last week. It was definitely worth it to see Grandma - and she seemed to think so, too. She seemed to be in somewhat better shape than Mom had led me to believe, which made me glad, what with the problems with her heart lately. And it was also nice to see Paula's sister and her family, particularly the twins, who are now ten months old and really cool little guys. The weather wasn't that good, and I didn't manage as many walks as I had planned to, but those were not the important parts anyway.

Also, on the drive home, we made a slight detour and... (drum rolls, please!) ...dropped off the rest of Tomi's outfit!! It's done! Finally! It's off my list and off my chest! I have managed to finish a complicated outfit! Not well, not fast, but finish nonetheless!

Still, even though I slept well at Grandma's (by the power of the sleeping pills), when I got home, I again needed to sleep an awful lot, and so normality seems to be slipping out of grasp once more. This is particularly bad right now, when I'd need to have the energy to do some cleaning for Friday, finish up other sewings, and most of all, cajole people into the dance project. I hate that in all cases, and even more so now that I really, really don't have enough people.

I'm actually quite down about it. Also, about how many people are not coming to the Friday party, again. I understand it well with more distant friends, but I can't help it that it hurts to see how low I am on the priority list of people I'd really consider friends, and really expect to see. It's not that they have to, it just... shows me my relative importance. Or that I give lousy parties.

But that's something that just is, and can't be helped. It's the dance thing that really is a problem. Now that I am motivated, and have a great plan, others aren't interested. And it really gets me down. I don't have the option of saying this won't happen, not any more really. And I really, really need more dancers. I don't know what to do.

Still, at least I'm excited about the LARP next Friday, and even have a dress for it already. We'll see how I feel about it on the morning of the game when I have to face the failing of my diet again...