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30 Jul 07: The Rushing Sound Of Life... It's raining. Hard. And the sound is that of all the demands and plans and deadlines pouring over me, threatening to drown me. It's rather overpowering and more than a little accurate. I have trouble breathing. No trouble eating, unfortunately. Or sleeping. I slept until evening, having stupid and terrifying and exciting dreams in turns, missing everything I had planned for today. I'll just have to hope I can get a grip now that I've rested. Anyway, Saltvik was still good. We got there all right on Wednesday; since a couple of people had cancelled, Emilia and Hannis and I were comfortable enough in Dad's car. Who, by the time we got to Maarianhamina and went grocery shopping, had decided she wanted to be called Juno (for the goddess, obviously? sci fi names just weren't fit for this one). Arriving at the site, I was more than a little intimidated and afraid that our camp equipment was just too shabby... but it all turned out all right: people still loved looking at our realistic camp life, like they've done in the past as well. And on Saturday, when Eeva was energetic enough to set up fingerweaving and tabletweaving for kids, I was happy to help, and it all was a big hit (so was the archery where you could shoot at a Viking!). I also worked on my bronze spiral apron, though I do wish I had had time to write a proper introductory board for it (I just quickly scribbled something on a paper I propped up next to me on Saturday). Building the complex spiral band took was even slower work than I thought, but it's about halfway done, and I got the apron hemmed, so it can be used. I also bought some bigger spirals for the bottom hem. The weather stayed mostly good: there was a little bit of rain on Friday, but it was not serious enough to seep through the tents. Thursday was schorching hot, but even that was much better than any rain, and besides, we went swimming after the market closed. There was lots of shopping - I found proper silver rings to wear with my garb, finally, and managed not to spend money on fabrics I really didn't need, or a leather beltbag that wouldn't really have been appropriate. I did splurge a little on this incredibly lovely silver spoon with an enameled crest of one of the biggest castles in Lithuania (and all the girls were envious because they'd met some totally adorable fighters associated with the castle while they were in the Grunwald Battle event in Poland, though I didn't know that when I got the spoon). Besides, it's nearly unique - one of only three in the world, and the other two are owned by the director of the castle museum and the silversmith himself. I did need a spoon, though obviously a pewter one would have done - but there were none to be had, I could afford it now, after all these sewing projects, and it just screamed to be mine. I also bought a couple of earthenware jugs to add to the SuoLi props. One of the best parts was the band that was playing at the market - a Swedish medieval group who seemed to have neverending strength and enthusiasm. They kept playing practically all the time, and the best party was on Friday and Saturday nights, when they played at the camp site after midnight for us to dance, and dance we did! It was fantastic! Otherwise, the partying stayed moderate: the most visible result of it was probably the Greywolves Original Folk-style Hedgehog Song (having nothing to do with the Pratchett one - well, nothing until I asked for a verse with a reference to it). I must admit I felt somewhat wistful for some of it: it's getting harder to be single around happy couples, or people young enough that they don't have to worry about such matters if they don't want to. Still, it was all mostly very nice. The trip home was okay, too, though of course we were awfully tired towards the end of it. Still, all in all a lovely vacation, and I am surprised at how much I wish it wasn't over. Everyday life looks really, really unappealing right now. I wrote something on Saturday night, but I'm not yet happy with it. Later. 29 Jul 07: ...And Home Again The trip to the Saltvik Viking Market was good. Will write more tomorrow, I hope. Modified the poem below a bit. 24 Jul 07: Good Nameday The housing support should finally be working okay, which was really really good, and a welcome surprise at the cash machine when I went shopping for necessities for the Saltvik trip. Dad&co dropped by on their way to yet another Herbalife seminar (plus vacation) and dropped me the car, which is also good: don't need to borrow Moya after all, and Dad's Mercedes is even roomier. (Well, that one I knew last week, so it was not a surprise gift.) We had nameday cake with coffee, so all in all, properly celebratory. Probably won't be able to sleep in this short while - will have to be on the road at half past four. Oh well, I slept until afternoon today, so it won't be that bad. I was not so keen on more historical camping earlier today, but by now I've rested, laundered and shopped enough to be looking forward to it! Let's just hope the weather will be better than predicted, because another wet half-week really would be a drag... (Night, the time of useless opinions) Okay. So. I'm going to give an Opinion on Harry Potter 'shipping (to those who have lived under a rock or otherwise are not up to fandomspeak, it means emotional attachment to certain, or various, romantic relationships in the object of your fannishness). No, no spoilers for the new book - I had this thought before I read it anyway. During the earlier books, I happened to think it would be cool if Harry and Hermione ended up together, at least later when they were grownups (I didn't particularly care what they did while teenagers, being well past that age myself). I was not in any way madly emotional about this idea, and anyway, from Goblet of Fire onwards it was clear that Hermione would end up with Ron. But this is beside the point. The point is, stop laughing at the poor young girls who are passionately attached to the idea of Harry and Hermione together. It's natural for them to want that. Because for those whose emotional involvement for a work of art/entertainment is, for one reason or another (such as youth), strong, personal and immediate, it is only natural to identify with either the viewpoint character (Harry) or the most important character of their own sex (Hermione, since nearly all of these poor enthusiasts are teenage girls). And if they identify with the viewpoint character, they will want him to get The Girl - and The Girl was Hermione (and unfortunately still is, since Rowling didn't really succeed in her attempt to portray Ginny in that role through Half-Blood Prince). If, on the other hand, they identify with the most important female character, they will want her to get the hero. Because, let's face it, he's the hero. And all this still holds if they identify with both The fact that other narrative choices are quite possible and may even work better for the characters in their own world is another fish entirely. And so is the fact that these people can accept those choices intellectually and even agree with their narrative validity - but not emotionally. They are not inherently stupid. They just know how they feel. And they themselves should not dive into stupidity in defense: they should also acknowledge that these feelings are at the bottom of their passionate wishes instead of trying to hide them behind talk about ideal mates and desirable relationship models. It's all about identification, baby. It's that simple. And now I've said what I planned to say, and will quite happily go back to reading my grown-up indulgence - trioshipping smut. (Even further towards morning)
Tulee elokuu 23 Jul 07: Potter: Okay Finished the new Potter. Can now stop paranoia about spoilers. It was okay, though in many senses less surprising than I thought - but part of that was because she stuck to the overall genre and style of her series, pulling it all together pretty well. Personally, I have a few disappointments, but they are only personal attachments. And some plot points from earlier books were never resolved, which was rather odd. But it was quite skillful, really. 22 Jul 07: Back! So, I'm back from Cudgel War, our SCA camp, and from Mirka and Antti's wedding yesterday. The camp was as good as was humanly possible, considering the bad weather we had from Wednesday to Friday night. It will be a memorable story in later years, but it really took some of the enjoyment out not to be able to be outside in the sun, or be able to swim a lot (the sea was rather too cold for comfort, once the wind started), or to have dry feet, ever. Luckily, the sauna was very good, and the lectures, too, and the food was just fabulous all week! And good company was to be had all around. Personally, I had trouble getting into the mood, because I spent the first couple of days working on Antti's wedding clothes, and until I had mailed them to him, I could not really concentrate on enjoying myself. After that, it was better. However, something that should not have been bothering me - and irked me even more because it should not have - got to be gradually more and more bothersome. Namely, not being over Sir Crush, like I should have been; really should be by now. But seeing him kept making me jittery and dumb and unable to hold a proper conversation with him, like I wanted to, because I really was determined - still am - to work on making this a proper friendship. I failed at that, failed spectacularly. And was reminded again of my deepest self, the self of the Phoenix. Of what I don't want to be - at all - but am, and would be, were I not such a broken-and-mended, flawed specimen. Of the drive to reach out and not stop until the reach goes through, to the very heart of self. That is what I do: I get through people's defenses. And I haven't been doing it for years. I have been listening to sensible advice and waiting for others to see to that trouble for me. And, of course, they have: I should be thankful for that, and am. In the past couple of years, many people have reached out for me and not given up until they got through (and of course, with me, it's not about hard, thick walls, but more like the breakwaters of a sea around an island: you can easily get close, but staying there takes work until you get securely to the beach). (And I can't believe I just made a sea metaphor about myself. What happened to the desert?) Mirka. Mili. Auri. Seanna. Ari. Kaisa. So many just off the top of my head, and more. I am so, so blessed. But now - now the driving need is back. The fire is back. The thing is, it's not fun at all. It's not what I'd choose; it's not sensible; it's not economic. But it's there, and I'll just have to live with it, and work around it, and try and make sense of how to work it. And the end result? Maybe - even probably - nothing for me, but that isn't the goal. Gain is irrelevant to the phoenix. It's lifeforce, and lifeforce must. spring. forward. Today, it does not feel as unmanageable and terrible as it did on Friday night, right before leaving the camp. Part of that is thanks to Mirka and Antti's wedding, where the lifeforce in its earthier, happier, fulfilled and fulfilling forms was in abundance. It felt good; it went deeper than I expected, and made it easier to look into the mirror of the wings of fire. It is what the phoenix should keep in mind, even when the mind seems to drown under the rush: that that is the desired result. Fulfilled happiness, a sense of completeness. And I am not speaking only of marriage or of romantic love at all, but of being a complete human being, a leaf in the tree of life, among other leaves, stronger and healthier together, attached to the same living veins. Of being able to feel and enjoy the great chain of life and of humanity, and of being a link in it, a link into it, a link, period. I've not written for days, so I may be terribly ungrammatical and obscure. And now, before starting for another camp - the Viking market at Saltvik - I will enjoy the flowers in the tree of life: I will get the new Potter before the Potterdämmerrung manages to spill over far enough to drop me spoilers, because I definitely do not want any! It will certainly be impossible to avoid them for long! Oh, and the fruit, too: to see my goddaughter, who is already more than three weeks old! Besides, there have been other flowers and fruits. I got to seriously begin fencing at the camp, finally! And my list of sewing projects is substantially shorter than it was two weeks ago! All good. 12 Jul 07: Rush Week Busy, busy. Far too much sewing, done and still to do. Visited Mom on Monday, P&P&Hilkka on Tuesday, Mirka&Antti for Antti's fitting and then Tofa for making camp lists on Wednesday. Nothing particularly worth of reporting. Except I desperately wish I had another week before the SCA camp, to get anything done for myself! But I can't blame anyone else besides myself for taking on a lot and then not working on stuff in good time... (Does this sound familiar? When, oh when, am I going to learn??) My hair's doing much better, after Arva cut it before Tallinn, and after investing in deep-repair conditioners. It's amazing what a difference a proper haircut makes! Now even bad hair days are no worse than one frown's worth. Tomorrow, I hope to find a moment to change the colour into a copperish red; I've had it with the pinks (at least for the duration of this summer). Vernor Vinge's Rainbow's End was another engaging read, but didn't leave anything like the impression Vinge's earlier novels had. 09 Jul 07: Birthday in Tallinn So, went to check the Tallinn Medieval Market, which probably was much less interesting and extensive than the Turku equivalent. Still, a nice mini-vacation with the Q's, Lissu and Suvi (Mirka's family, unfortunately, had a last-minute hassle and couldn't make it), great food, all in all a most satisfactory birthday. The market was unimpressive enough that I, in my new red bliaut, was quite the tourist attraction, and was constantly mistaken for an employee or a trader. Not that I minded; indeed, it was quite a boost to the old limping self-confidence. When we got back, Lissu and I dropped in to the party at the Barricades. It was lovely, too, to meet people one doesn't meet that often. After all this excitement, yesterday, then, was spent in a migraine, but it was pretty much worth it. Now I have lots of sewing and lots of exercise to do, and then the SCA camp starts next Saturday. Read Alastair Reynolds' new book, The Prefect. It was very engaging, and the mystery was acceptably difficult. Recommended. 02 Jul 07: ...Damned Prophecies Something else was closed today as well. Namely, a library that I desperately needed. There's a type of people that I loathe almost as much as any creepy-crawly insects: people who abuse other people's efforts and give nothing in return. Almost always these are people who get away with it along with abusing others' emotions as well: because they are so attractive that they think everyone they meet owes them something. And most of the time, the rest of us are fooled. For a time. Another type of people that I loathe are carefree "nice guys" who actually are not that nice - they never bother. Anything. And in the long run they end up being more insulting than those who mean it, simply because they. just. don't. get. that they are not wonderful, good people and that everything that comes out of their mouth is not the pinnacle of wisdom. But you can't be good if you can never be bothered to go to any trouble for others. It's going to lead into problems sooner or later. And yet these, too, manage to fool us. For a time. At least I heard one good news today: I don't have to step in to save a program I'd sworn I'd not do this time. It's happening. Which is great, because I don't know how I could have said no once I had already weakened and said yes. I feel incredibly nauseous, now that I got a new batch of the meds after a week's break. My general physician did not seem too worried over my throat, but she did prescribe antibiotics for it anyway. And said that no tests are necessary, and to find out if the problem is mold, we'd have to start testing the house and not me. It would be such a huge issue that I really don't think so. And the damn antibiotics last a week, and I still can't exercise while on them. Okay. Concentrate on the good things. I have a new bookshelf - really nice and neat, considering it's from the recycling center. And I have a new niece. And I can finish a murder mystery starring Dante Alighieri. Good things. That's the way to go. 01 Jul 07: The Sign Says Closed I've been completely unable to deal with the world today. And I mean completely, including friends. I've just felt completely, totally antisocial and in need of crawling into a small comfy hole and resting there. Nothing's really in any way turned suddenly horrible, no, this just was that sort of a day. Naturally, I should have done plenty of stuff today. Well, I did at least get started with studying for Wednesday's exam. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday to see about this drag of a cough, and I also want the whole array of blood tests done to determine why I've had flu after flu this spring, despite better mood and vitamins and everything. It's a damned bother, that's what it is. (I hope it's just a simple infection - a tooth maybe; they're in a disgraceful state in general - and not the other extreme, mold spores. Because that would be a whole 'nother pot of soup for all concerned.) (Tomorrow - well, technically today - is St. Mary's day, and therefore the first ever name day for Miss Hilkka Maria Prauda, four days old. And no, I'm not revealing any secrets before their time. I thoroughly approve of P&P's sense in calling the baby by her name straight away, like they do practically everywhere else in the world. Here, the name and the christening ceremony have somehow got confused, which they actually should not be; ask any theologian!) (I'm still trying to get myself used to Hilkka - it's a nice name, and belonged to Paula's paternal grandmother, but it's just not one that would have occurred to me, and so I need to wrap my head around it. Oh, it's going to be a mouthful for foreign acquaintances, certainly, with the double K and the similarity to Ilkka... which is kind of cool, actually.) (And I will certainly try my best to call the baby by her proper name, considering how faithfully my family has always refrained from twisting my name into any of the easily-occurring nicknames that would not have suited me at all!) I need to get back to my exam book. And other stuff, too. I should be planning for that possible trip to Tallinn next Saturday, for the medieval market and for my birthday. I should, because I'm determined to go and drag any willing friend with me (which, naturally, won't be many, what with all these vacations and family celebrations that abound in July, but even so!). But, well, I'll deal with it tomorrow. Today's just not been one of my days. |