|
You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
30 Jun 05: Hazy Focus Ballet's taking over my brain again, in all its familiarity and beauty and horror. Projects are happening, steps forming. Was awfully tired on Mon and Tue, though, so completely out of it. Watched La Bayadere with Mili on Tuesday night. Good lesson on Wed - I'm sore in most of the right places. Today, visited Inka&Tuukka for sauna and catching up. Got more books to read (as if I don't already have enough!); another very promising bookshelf to visit more often (which promised promptly to do). So, getting in shape is happening. Now need to focus and get a grip on timetables. Oh, and return to the sewing machine! Made fun plans with Salla and Annika, now eager for those, so need to finish up the old stuff NOW... 26 Jun 05: Confused, Confusingly I don't know how to write about days that resemble actual life. You know, productive and social and things? Had too much sparkling wine yesterday, as a result of which was sleepy and intermittently asocial. Otherwise, nice grill party. Watched the last episodes of "Angel" and liked them about as well as hoped for (though there was not enough of Connor, of course). Today, had a piece of Inspiration just in the nick of time. Feeling oddly reserved, not yet able to believe, but hoping for the best. Had the opportunity to catch up with distant friends, which was really nice. We'll see. 25 Jun 05: Beauty Is Not Truth Without Emotion Irrette took me to see Kingdom of Heaven on Thursday. I'm glad she did, but it was even worse than I'd hoped. Being a fan of Orlando's, I'd have loved him to succeed, but what can you do - classical training or no - if you're only allowed one expression the whole time (with, admittedly, two variations of it: broodingly soulful or resolutely soulful)? It's like diCaprio in Titanic, except he got to be soulfully cheerful (which is of course much more appealing than the opposite). Jeremy Irons and Edward Norton in supporting parts run rings around everybody else except for Ghassan Massoud and Marton Csokas, who hold their own quite nicely, but the whole thing is so disjointed and abrupt, and the Woman of the story is awful. However, Ain't It Cool News just showed a special seven-minute song trailer of Elizabethtown, and it seems Mr. Too-Beautiful-To-Be-True finally gets to show the world that he actually knows the art he's been trained into. High time, I'd say. Real life? Well, both good and bad, but at least stuff's happening again. Pohjolan häät on Saturday was a lovely experience, though of course I worried some about playing the Mistress of Pohjola, the hostess (it was better that someone who's already done the game once take that role). Lovely weather, lovely food, lovely people. Also, this week I finally - after a severy prolonged and agonized fight with myself - got myself to a ballet lesson. It was about as I'd expected: I was miserably weak, but did feel good afterwards. Also, before and after the movie experience, people made me drink cider and other stuff, and it was almost like being part of the human race again... And yesterday was spent in amazingly satisfying relaxation with Lissu: good food, sun, champagne and strawberries (the first Finnish ones this summer, and orgasmically sweet and perfect), sauna, midnight flower quest. Oh, and another convert for the church of Firefly: Lissu had not seen the original pilot, so the matter was corrected, and the results expected. Other things during the past week have not been that good. To put it in a nice way. But I don't want to go into them. It came to me one day that I need to take this as my guideline for now: not to define myself through what I am now, but through my goals. Most people who are productive and more or less happy seem to do it that way. For me, however, it's going to be a hard lesson - the hardest, possibly. Next week, ballet three times a week. 16 Jun 05: Stumbling, But Picking Up Went to sleep on Tuesday as per plan. Woke up on Wednesday morning, but spent most of the day oddly weak and tired, having difficulties with eyes. Have come to conclusion that overexercise (all of a sudden, that is) and blisters and aching muscles amounted to a slight infection- type fever. Anyway, forgave oneself because it was for good reason, stayed up and made it to therapy even though woke up around midnight last night. Then had to while away some hours in town, managed to meet both Paula and Mili, which all to the good. So, timetables may be straightened back immediately after yesterday's (deserved) breah. Also, more importantly, practised saying NO to projects - twice even. Now summer will be spent on a) oneself and one's own physical condition (and teaching oneself that one DOES deserve it; it is not frippery or futile vanity!) b) on getting the sewing to a working routine and that way get all the projects done and paid for. After all, it's no use worrying excessively over mental health or studying right now: therapy will continue after summe vacations, and the employment program for uni dropouts to graduate won't start until autumn (of course, I need to apply, and it's by no means certain I get in, but at least there's no sense worrying about it now). So while I wait for those things to start happening again, I can concentrate on myself with a perfectly good conscience. And Serenity, the Firefly movie, will come to theatres here! It won't be until November, but even so - YEEE-haw! 14 Jun 05: On Second Try... Maybe So, yesterday didn't work, but today seems like it might. It's soon nine am, I've been to a hike with the dog, done some sewing, and had a cup of coffee, so I may both make it to therapy, and get this timetable straightened once more. I'm actually planning to get moving pretty soon and check some fleamarkets before the appointment, so I won't be here to succumb to the temptation of sleep before time. The foot is officially declared workable at this time: it did start aching, but the ache, while clearly identifiable, still didn't seem to need placing in the category of Bad Hurt (as a former dance enthusiast, I can pretty much tell the difference between Good Hurt and Bad Hurt; the former is there to make one stronger, the latter causes unreasoning panic - this seems to fall somewhere in between). I think I'm going to go to those classes at the end of this week. The house is overflowing with the fragrance of Midsummer roses and lilacs, and I am in bliss. I was in absolute agony over the possibility that I might miss the whole short season of lilacs this year: that may have been the push that finally got me up and moving. I simply could not bear the thought that the fleeting week or two might pass without my getting to experience them properly. Been rereading The Book of the New Sun - I didn't plan to, but it just happened... I have a couple of promisingly thick sci-fi volumes from Suvi (more Cherryh and the like), but I haven't got into them yet. (Afternoon) Stayed up, went to therapy. Did flea market circuit, now with blistered feet, ready for bed. May possibly get to normal rhythm as a result. Possibly. Hopefully. 13 Jun 05: That Thing That Ducks Do In Panic That's how it feels, my attempts at normality (typically enough, the word doesn't exist in English, at least not with the same associations). I thought that if I could only establish some sort of a routine again, it might help. It would at least eliminate the horrible moments of having to wake up from too little sleep, which I just don't seem to be able to do, not even for nice things anymore. (No, I really don't know how and when my self-disgust grew so big that I ca no longer manage to fool myself into dressing up even for something basically fun, if there's even the slightest, tiniest doubt, such as having to meet strangers, or having to go to a party single and have everybody see what a loser I was... but at some stage it snuck up behind all these attacks to fights the depression and did. So now I can hardly get out of the door at all. And this won't do. Just won't do.) So I'll try anything. Back to the Kerava-sewing-routine it is, then, though I have to carry the sewing machine with me there and back again. And if I really am that disgusted with my appearance, let's stop this wussy healthy-normal-eating thingy and go on a proper diet. And decide that the instep is healed, and go for a hike, and that's it. Screw sense, screw mental health, I have to be able to go out and enjoy friends' parties and LARPs and other events, if nothing else! 11 Jun 05: Help!! This has to stop. Has. To. Stop. Has to fucking stop. I could not make it to Clo&HG's wedding, because I stayed awake for far too long, angsting over what to wear and how to be able to appear among strangers (though friends as well, of course, but even so) and what to do with nonexistent money for wedding gift, since I hadn't sewed on like I was supposed to and so had not got the money I thought I would have by now. But mostly about just getting dressed, decorated and out there. And so, all those unslept hours and badly slept morning moments resulted in a panic migraine. Didn't I already decide, ten weeks ago, before the Hucca dance ball, that this was not to happen again?? If I can't even go to the wedding of dear (if not often seen) friends, something has to be done. Now. After all, it's only getting worse. Never before have I been unable to drag myself into something basically this positive and important. Now - even this. Even this. And how much of this slump is born out of my panic about the possible dance project? Because I really, really am terrified of it this time, and even so, have not yet come to an understanding over whether it's just my usual fear, or whether this time I really don't have the resources. Ideas, whatever. Or myself as a resource material, either. Would it help to let it go, as I already planned? Or would it help to just push through and come up with something, anything? Should I not just concentrate on myself? But then when will this hiding ever stop? Because it has to stop. It has to. 07 Jun 05: The Hope Inherent In Summer Nights It's half past three am, birds are already up and about and I know there are multitudes of lilacs and rowan flowers and lilies-of-the-valley out there in the green. I've just driven home from dropping Suvi off, after an evening celebrating her birthday. Must say; Kulosaaren Casino may be beautiful, especially at night, when the big crystal candelabras reflect over the sea on the panorama windows, as if the real ballroom were out there over the muted-silvery water, but the prices have quite a bit of extra for the view... Nice evening, anyway. Borrowed a couple of books from Suvi, so now have stuff to read again. Just have to see that reading won't stall the greatly promising restart on sewing-related activities. Still amazed at other people's relationship issues, as am now so far removed from any romantic contact that can't even imagine how it might be, now that have grown and changed and hopefully learned a bit. Thinking that maybe foot might suffer some sorts of activity by now; cannot wait to go gather flowers. And dance training seems possible, too, so projects might work, after all. We'll see soon. The cat's trying to get my attention by any means necessary, so writing's getting a bit complicated. I guess it's time for bed anyway. 06 Jun 05: Waving at Life, In Passing Yesterday was about sleep, again. Hard to say if it was just part of the usual cycle or if I was to afraid to go and talk about possible music for a project. Either is possible, or both. Today, for some reason, I feel slightly better. I need new books to read. I'm through with almost everything in the borrowed piles. Moreover, I want to start keeping a diary on sewing progress. It might help with getting all these things done. Not that I got that dream diary working, either... (Night) I did manage to get some sewing done: I finished some reparations that had been hanging for a while, and it feels good and accomplished. Lilacs are beginning to bloom, and I am debating with myself over the wisdom of going for a walk with Jero - just a small one; I'm sure the instep just needs some exercise already... Right? It's been two months by now, so I'm sure I don't need to be nailed down anymore, right? Have to teach oneself to write about the stuff one reads about, or finds on the net, even if it's not earthshattering and lifechanging. 04 Jun 05: On Thresholds There's been quite a long break, but I simply haven't felt the need to write. I don't know if it's due to another dip downwards or if it's just been... well, sense. Nothing new to report, so no reports. And as to writing for art, I have not yet processed enough things to have proceeded to doing that, and that alone. One might ask if this was about unnecessary shame again, but I don't feel it was. I have been apathetic, and impatient at my own apathy, but I still feel that things are happening down there in the subconscious. I just wish I could have the energy to keep up with people better. That's my one great regret right now: that I have so many acquaintances or distant friends, but as I have wanted to hang onto all of them, but not been able to, they've all drifted further... and now I don't know who to call when I just want to hang out. Or really need help. You know, more or less regular contact, the stuff that you do with actual friends, not just catching up over coffee every couple of months? I just don't seem to be very good at it, myself. Or I do it wrong. Or something. The result is being adrift and lonely and insecure, again (witness: home alone on Saturday night, once more). I also have to make decisions on how I want to spend most of my extra time for the next seven weeks or so, and I have to make them pretty much right now. They're complicated and conflicted decisions; should not be so, but are. I haven't been able to finish a single costume for ages (except for that very simple hood for Mikis that only took a couple of hours once I really got to work). Not even when the result would be gorgeous no matter what, with almost no complicated steps in the process... Liisa keeps telling me that I am afraid to succeed in anything, and I do believe her - there's proof enough - but I can't yet understand the steps of the psychological process from general lack of self-confidence to that, and until I see those, the issue probably won't be resolved. That's how it's worked with every significant development so far. Tomi was here, listened to me a lot (gave me the opportunity to recap most of the spring's emotional processes, which was very good), helped me over the panic about his costume, and watched Ran with me. I'd only seen it once, in highschool, and forgot everything except the most general of impressions. It is fantastic, of course - I cried, which I have not done for tragedies for quite a long while. |