29 Jun 06: Hindered

Have been weirdly achy and ill again, also unusually awful troubles with sleeplessness (and then having to sleep at unreasonable hours, when the sleep finally arrives). Not good. My mood's fine, it's all just physical this time. Still, don't want to cancel on Grandma. Shouldn't go, but cancelling just feels too terrible now.

27 Jun 06: Much Ado

See, this is what happens when I plan to write something that will require some thought and effort!

Anyway, having another one of those July parties next Friday, the seventh, for the obvious reason. Lemmeknow if I forgot to invite you, probably just a case of misplaced email address. ANd I really hope someone can bring some ready-mixed dance music, as I have none and I feel the need to shake my bootay...

Am going to Savonlinna to see Grandma from Thursday to Sunday. Am going to do lots of sewing before, during and after. Am going to get the dance project going (now that I know I have at least the minimum of people for it). Am going to push and prod myself to get the application for the program for Uni dropouts sorted, as I was directed to apply or lose my unemployment benefits (which may mean I have a good chance of getting in! hopefully...)

Love summer. All these plans can't get me down, which I suppose must be another healthy sign.

23 Jun 06: ...And I'm Not Doing This Anyway

Sorry I haven't written. Have had migraine and then slept a lot. Didn't go to the country for Midsummer as planned, so had no cool plans for today at all. Now feeling whiny and contrariwise, so not writing now, either.

This just isn't fair. Isn't fair that I'm still here.

Blah. G'night.

21 Jun 06: Punishing The Internal Clock (Again)

Didn't get to sleep in any reasonable hour last night, and finally got oneself walking the dog again (after a few nights of getting distracted with books or the 'net at the quiet hours, when it's the easiest to take the Big Black out there). Not until the sun was up, though, so best skip this night's sleep altogether. One would only have bad dreams because of the heat, and surface with a headache sometime in the afternoon, so one more day would be lost. I may consider a siesta in the early afternoon, or something. I'm still trying to get myself to ballet lessons this week, already.

The morning was lightly milky, high clouds curtaining the sun in white organza, and there was mist lingering around the hill of the faerie circles. It would have been lovely if the bird cherries were not a shiver-inducing horror spoiling every lovely, lush view: this seems to be a particularly bad year of bird-cherry moths. Every single tree, big and small, that was so pretty just a month ago, is so covered in those disgusting webs that they look like ghosts of trees - and filthy, slimy, threatening ghosts at that. I have a horror of all sorts of creepy-crawlies, and those are at the extreme end of creepy, definitely. At least the arboretum hill was nice, and there were even some late lilies-of-the-valley to smell and a few blooming lilac boughs to bring home. And walking was good. One of the things I am able to start learning now that the bigger issues have been recognised is that putting off useful plans just makes you feel miserable, no matter how good excuses you find.

And so I'll try and learn not to procrastinate quite as badly as before. Because of myself. And because I want to be more dependable as well.

Oh, must add that against general trend, I had an absolutely jubilant dream last morning. I suddenly discovered that I had written this highly literary, short but poetic sci-fi novel when much younger; it was not only something I myself was satisfied with, but considered a minor classic in the genre. Not only was there the astonished delight of remembering this and enjoying having done something, for once, that was good and beautiful and skillful, but somehow I was simultaneously turning it into an improvisatory larp/student theatre performance for myself and a couple of other people, and that one turned out very enjoyably for myself as well - no-one had any gripes about doing it to please me, totally and completely. All about very selfish pleasure, but sweet and straightforward, and therefore much cherished in waking.

And when almost home from the walk, I happened to glance at the sickle of the moon in the morning sky and suddenly saw it - saw it as a huge world in space, incredibly far away but still there, still real and three-dimensional and there, and it reminded me of the exaltation in the dream. That these things were.

I want them to be. I want to stop waiting, expecting that life, accomplishments, skill, art, will just happen. They won't if I don't work to try and produce them. They won't come to me with waiting. Wherever did I pick that thinking up anyway? (Hnh. The answer is very simple: from Mom, who was the epitome of never attempting anything, after all. She's not a bad person, but she certainly never taught me to try things out, or to dream big. And when I did make it known I wanted to learn something as a project, generally something that required Dad's help, it was always made into this huge fuss. No wonder it was easier to give up than keep at it.) Now I want to stop procrastinating with my life.

20 Jun 06: Slowly Meandering Towards The Seat

Okay, as soon as I have a couple of hours (tonight?), I'll ge to those things I've still learned about myself that I've kept putting off. It's not that big really, nothing spectacular. Just small and embarrassing, as most of my problems. But even so. See, I wrote a long, opinionated letter to someone who I think needs to hear those opinions (though probably won't listen). However, I want to speak from a position of strength, meaning I need to show I've dealt with my own latest (last?) hangups before I feel I can start advising other people.

So, later.

17 Jun 06: I Think This One's For The Heap

I still couldn't go to the event. It was just too frightening. Witness: six attacks of bingeing and throwing up in the past two days. Almost constantly, that is. I want to emphasise the difficulty of admitting to this, since I'm supposed to be healed of the bulimia! And I mostly am: these attacks are very, very rare - I still binge sometimes, but it only gets as bad as throwing up maybe once in two months or so, nowadays. So this is a clear sign of something being really, really wrong.

In conclusion: no matter how much I'd like to enjoy the SCA, if it's this difficult for me, why bother? Desire for pretty costumes is not enough if I never get those costumes done (and is a pretty shallow reason anyway). And there's a limit to how long it makes sense to find one's way and one's place. If it just doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.

Yes, the panic and the bingeing ended straight after I let myself sleep and give up on going. I'm fine now. Sad and regretful, but at least not sick.

15 Jun 06: ...Once Broken, Never Whole

So, again it's the night before an SCA event, and again I'm sleepless and in full-tilt panic. Why am I doing this again? I am not an expert in any aspect of the Middle Ages, I just want to do the whole deal, and the whole deal - meaning atmosphere - isn't there anyway, if it ever was. And as I have no "thing" of my own, I don't really belong. So it all becomes just a costume party, about looking good, and we know what that stress does to me (and just when I thought I'd started to really have the Eating Thing under control; to naturally not feel like stuffing myself, and to like moderate exercise again!). In particular I'd like to go and enjoy the 40-year ball, but I know I'll just stand in the sidelines looking hopeful and too desperate, and never get to dance. I'm too old, too single and clearly not top-level attractive, so no matter how I behave at the ball, simply going will look too desperate for anyone to dare to come and ask me to dance. And besides, I have nothing to wear, except a half-finished, half-assed attempt at a Venetian that will make me look like a pig (not that that can be helped, as it's pink velvet, but it's the only thing I've got).

Besides, I'm afraid people will have gossiped about my drinking blunder last event, and look down on me. As if I'm not ashamed enough myself...

I wanted to do something for the arts and sciences competition, not to win but to belong, and to get approval just for participating (as there are constant complaints that we don't participate in the A&S competitions enough). But I didn't have time for the dance thingy I originally planned, nor did I have any costume stuff that would be suitable - besides, the application should have been submitted weeks ago. I wanted to have something to perform, but that fell through as well. I have nothing to contribute, and in the SCA that just... doesn't work. In that sense the other medieval society is better: there it is possible to feel a worthwhile participant even if you're only taking care of your own persona and your own stuff - because personas matter, and sticking to the historical recreation matters. I just don't like the smallness of it - I like the international aspect of the SCA.

Oh well. I've given myself leave to stop after this event, if I still feel like this afterwards. I'm going now, having made a reservation and paid for it, but I can buffer myself with the thought that if it feels too bad, it'll be the last time for that particular badness.

After all, one can probably use one's productivity in a more worthwhile way than making expensive costumes for play. If I find the chivalric culture, or the Renaissance Italy, fascinating, I can always read about them. Or write a LARP in them. I don't have to try and keep finding a niche if it doesn't present itself.

This has made me think particularly hard, since demonstrably it is possible for me not to feel this panicky before a similar event - last weekend's larp - and so it's no longer general, inevitable panic, but specific. So I need to examine my willingness to do this particular thing really, really hard.

I know it seems like I have been exhausted after the weekend, not having written anything, but actually it hasn't been because of that. I've been quite okay, really. Just been trying to avoid writing about those bigger issues that I mentioned on Sunday - should, but it feels like such a chore. Really should, though. No time even now, so perhaps on Sunday. Depends on how lousy the event makes me feel (I probably won't be physically tired, as I'm going to be drinking only soda, and will try and remember the sleeping pills, but mentally I'll probably be at least worn, if not miserable).

I do want to like this thing. It sucks that it's done in such a different way from how I would like to do it.

11 Jun 06: Life & Its Mirror

So, the biggest real thing yesterday was, of course, Meira and Mikko's wedding party in the evening. My game wasn't actually yet over by then, but I'd decided to go a long time before and planned accordingly, and I sort of expected to be able to go back and conclude my game business after a couple of hours in the party (which didn't happen, as the game ended earlier than I had thought it would). The bride was beautiful (and in Renaissance dress - the costume slut in me was drooling over the luscious silks), the groom happy, the chocolate cake fabulous, the cats pettable, and there were lots of people I see all too seldom. Also, having ever only been at the edges of the particular social circle (the old AE gang, that is), I was thrilled to learn more of the couple's history (in the quiz for just that purpose).

However, having missed previous night's sleep, by that hour I was so tired I could not crank up my social courage and have fun with people I just barely know and have nothing to say to, and there were many of those. Only a handful were friends, and about half of those spent most of their time in company I couldn't - still couldn't - bring myself to share. And so I desperately wanted to be away from the crowd and the social insecurity and to go back to a situation where I had definite goals and no need to try and be party-social with scary near-strangers. So of course I developed a guilt complex about my twisted preferences of game over real life - I mean, haven't I mourned enough how I don't get invited to parties?? And now that I was in one I wasn't thankful and appreciative enough, which made me feel I was disrespecting the hosts and everyone in there. I mean, it was a perfectly lovely and warm party!

But I'm still afraid of people, and I was so tired I wasn't able to fight that fear with common sense and patience, the way I'm beginning to learn to do otherwise. The game was something clearly defined: the deals were waiting to be done, and the role didn't require any social complexities at that stage. The party had its own social definitions, to which I was an outsider. (And also, there were a couple of people in the party who'd also been to the game and who clearly did not wish to discuss certain difficult moments of it with me, and it made me feel even more awkward.) So of course I longed for the simpler, more secure choice.

And still felt guilty for it.

I'm really, honestly happy for the couple's happiness, and I'm sure there was nothing wrong with the party. The wrong was with me.

Anyway, the game ended before I could honourably leave, so I stayed until it was time to leave for the debrief meeting, which was probably for the best - I couldn't indulge my fear and need to escape, and so had to stop being stupid and behave.

By the time we got to the debriefing, I was still unhappy about not having been able to bring things to a closure, and regretting that I hadn't just gone on and then gone to the party later. However, the debriefing time fulfilled its purpose: I got to talk things over enough that there was a sense of closure after all, and therefore accomplishment (and no hard feelings over the one irritating mixup we had about driving directions). Gradually I began to feel a growing satisfaction with my game experience and with my own ability to manage it (despite stupid sleep deprivation). I can't even really point out any particulars that made it such a good game for me: it just was. Which leads me to believe that it's about my own enjoyment coming back more than anything else, as I noted yesterday, and that is a great relief and a great reassurance.

Not that I can find much fault with the game, either: my character was what I'd asked for (if not other things I enojy in a character, but in this case had not specified), the information I got was correct, my GMs and GMs contacts in the game were on top of their duties (Konsta and Joni in particular), and if my game turned out quite differently from what I'd expected, it was almost completely because of player actions. I really, really missed having that apartment as a base for my upper-class character, but it was character-driven events in the game that precluded my getting there. So there was lots of frustration, fear and excitement, but the overall experience was good.

I have lots of other things I need to write about - high time to set down some self-analysis that isn't even that new any more - but right now I want to take the dog for a walk. Want, though not required to, because I've slept the sleep debt off today, and it's been a fine summer day (finally!), and I want to go and swim some more in the smell of lilacs and lilies-of-the-valley. It's summer, and even though I still don't have a solution to my general existential crisis, at least I can live and deal.

(Even later) Bah, I managed to get distracted with other things. Anyway, one thing that was particularly positive about the game was that psyching myself to play someone powerful and attractive spilled over into my own self-confidence, too: I felt pretty at the party (though in different clothes and without the blode wig), and was complimented on my dress, and the feeling of being confident and attractive and sensual has continued today. I guess it might be too much to hope it would stick (I'm already feeling vulnerable because while I was composing a thank-you note to the GMs, I re-checked my character material and realised I forgot a couple of important things in the game... and so I feel stupid, and when I feel stupid I expect criticism, and when I expect criticism I go and raid the fridge, and...). Even so, feeling like that must be a step in the right direction.

10 Jun 06: Thoroughly Entertained

Rikos Kannattaa ("Crime Pays") was busy and surprising and exciting, hugely frustrating for the character but all-in-all, a most satisfying experience.

More about it after I've had a proper night's sleep (didn't sleep last night due to own stupidity, nothing to do with game as such). However, one thing I really need to note right here and now: see, I can enjoy games again! Not just this one, but the one before it, and the one before. It's incontestable proof that I am, after all, healing.

Proof. Healing.

So thankful.

06 Jun 06: Enraged

Went to see X-Men: The Last Stand. It was much better than I expected based on the reviews - the plot was nicely tight despite the huge cast of characters, and most everybody was at least adequate in their roles - even though it could have gone much deeper into the personal ethical choices faced by each and every character (that is what X-men has always been about, after all). However, I hated, hated, hated it for perverting certain storylines that are very, very important to me. Don't want to spoil more, and besides, I can't give a coherent review anyway, I'm so torn.

Been sleepy since Sunday, when I had to sew like crazy and still not get things done. Oh well, it could only be expected after so much activity (and particularly the disappointment of not finishing as much of the sewing as I wanted). It was good to be out and about today.

Want to write more - not just now, but in general - but too tired right now. Will try and give oneself a good shake about this reticence.

A cup of tea might be in order.

03 Jun 06: Mellow

It's lovely to be able to look around and see a freshly-cleaned house, and smell lilacs and lilies-of-the-valley. It was lovely to host a party - Meira's hen night sauna and movie (arranged by Hanna and Anu, I just suggested the place). It was lovely to soak in the sauna after such a long while of not getting to it. The movie was a nice surprise as well; more entertaining than I expected (not that I expected it to be bad, but it was nice all the same). It's been a satisfying, relaxing night. I just hope the bride-to-be had as good a time as I did, as that was the point, after all.

(Still afraid to feel good. Certain that doom awaits for such daring. At least tomorrow morning will surely be headachy and exhausted and the last stitches for three of the four parts of Tomi's dress feel impossible...)

02 Jun 06: Reflection

In the foothills, mountains ahead, one does not notice how high one already has come until one stops and turns and sees the view, so much wider and more luminescent than before. One finds it difficult to reconcile what the eyes see and what one knows. Or thought one knew.

And all would be well and good, except words scatter away in the higher winds and bigger air, like dandelion seeds: even those that just bobble along barely out of reach dash away when your hand tries to grab them.

And other people's dandelions are behaving, and so one gets really, really mad and envious.

Oh well. At least spring cleaning is nearly done, marginally in time (spring isn't over until tomorrow, when the schoolyear ends, right?). And at least I got the housing support application left. And finished the job rehabilitation survey in great spirits (though sort of regret that didn't ask the psychologist for a more thorough analysis of my test results - would have been curious to hear his interpretation of my drawings and free sentences in addition to hearing that my cognitive functions were okay). Only the social support thing keeps being a bother, as the money didn't arrive yet (last time, it did arrive on Friday when I had been to an appointment on Tuesday like I did last week). Still, can't really feel that interested now that lilacs are blooming again.

Besides, I managed to let a costume off my hands on Tuesday. There are still a couple of small, separate parts to add to it in the following weeks, but I did finish it and leave it. Which may mean I may be learning to accept my own imperfection and just get things done. Which would be a great thing.