28 Jun 07: She's Here!

So, I'm an aunt now! A healthy daughter was born to P&P this morning at 8.12. It all went well (relatively quickly and smoothly even), the baby and parents are doing fine, and we're all besides ourselves with excitement. And she's totally, completely adorable! I dropped by in the afternoon, and so did Mom&O, and the baby happened to be awake through our visit and naturally charmed us all completely with that sharp, doubtful, newborn contemplation ("Where are the walls? Who are you guys? What is this s*t? Somebody better start doing some explaining soon...")

Last night, when they sent messages that it was time, I found myself even more aflutter than I thought I would be. I mean, babies are born all the time - that's how things go - but when it's your own immediate family, it seems impossible not to fall into wonder. I was listening to the storm and loving the thought of telling the newcomer about it someday, and then suddenly I was struck dumb by the thought that there would be a new person with us in a few hours. Someone who, before, had not yet existed. At all. (Well, technically, of course, not quite not-at-all, but not in our company, anyway.) And all I could do was open and close my mouth like a fish and try to get my head around the totality of the idea.

And now she's here. Now she is. Petri and Paula's daughter. My niece. And it's just... bewilderingly awesome, and I'm sure it's exactly that for everyone, always, but it's no less true. Most cliches are. Like Paris (remember? my standard measuring tool for everything, it seems): it's a cliche exactly because it is just that wonderful and grand and magical.

Yeah. No wonder people used to believe in magic. That people just... come about and exist. How can that be?

And I really, really, really want my own children now. Not that I didn't, already, but now I've got it bad. Time to get proactive about finding someone to raise them with, I suppose - well, at least once the degree is actually in the bag, of course.

(And it's funny and kind of foolish that one immediately wants to work harder for one's life and to actually have it together, just so one can be a good role model for the godchild. Can it really work? Even for slow, obstinate me, to whom everything always comes grudgingly and belatedly? Is this how it feels for those parents who manage to keep it all together because of their children - except of course even more so because they're their own children?)

(Ah, I'm feeling really self-conscious now. Better get to sleep. Besides, I have to get up really early, to call for a doctor's appointment about this post-flu soreness of the throat that just won't go away. Which is why I'm not going to the extended family meeting in the North, like I planned to. And too much sewing and studying to do, anyway, because the sore throat has kept me only partially functional, and I do have two projects to finish ASAP and an exam next Wednesday.)

25 Jun 07: What's Wrong With Me?

Don't seem to be able to keep this diary thing going recently. Oh well. Had a nice Midsummer; surprisingly social, considering the prolonged sore throat and the resulting listlessness. Today, went to Tallinn with Mirka; walked a lot, was sorely disappointed with the fabrics selections in the whole city, ate humongously in Olde Hansa (but they really must get more waiters! they were severely understaffed!), didn't get to ride home with the ship we'd paid for, but in the end, rode on a bigger, better ship, though two hours later. Which was a bummer, because it made Mirka miss her last train and meant her night will be awfully short. All in all, the old town is pretty, but the shopping is no longer worth it. Still, I think I might like to go and see what the Tallinn Medieval Market has to offer on July 7, for several obvious and less obvious reasons. Anyone want to join me?

Will be studying hard for an exam on the 4th. Will probably be unable to skip the family society gathering next weekend, so no Medieval Turku for me (one of the reasons for more medieval Tallinn!). Have been frustrated with the sore throat, unable to exercise and the usual. Should probably go and get checked for anything weird in the system that might be causing all these flus, again. Should, and actually, will.

The soon-to-be niece or nephew is yet to arrive. The suspense is getting rather intense at my end, the big sop that I am.

Oh, and there will be loads of sewing in the immediate future. Two old projects to finish, two new ones, plus seeing to the state of my own wardrobe before the Aarnimetsä summer camp.

I'll try to come up with something more interesting to say, I promise.

18 Jun 07: Stupid Me - Deleted Old Friend's Email!

Ah shit! It seems to be high time to go through my huge inbox and put all the old mails into their proper folders! It's just that the program I'm using forces me to do it all manually, and the read inbox is already over 1500 mails, it's going to take a lot of time just to sort it. Anyway, I seem to have deleted something I really didn't want to - a note from a net friend from years and years ago that was a very glad surprise just this weekend.

So, Tony - if you read this, email me again! Be prepared for someone quite different from that silly girl from such a long time ago, though... (For one, I found some prints from some of our old emails from back then, and there were several parts that were terribly embarrassing to read: for example, I came off as uncharacteristically forward, simply because my English was not yet what it is now, and I was unable to quite grasp the implications of what I actually ended up saying.)

Age has its regrets and fears, but it does have its bonuses as well: I'd hate to be as stupid and self-centered as I was back then.

(Evening) Gosh, I really hope Tony reads my notice.

I've been in recovery from the flu - my throat is still sore, but at least I was able to speak, even if my voice is seductively hoarse. Today was the Hucca (the SCA-related society in the capital area) general meeting, and I signed in for the board for another year, and am now officially the Chatelaine (responsible for new members). I could have picked Arts and Sciences or Heraldry as well, but I think we need a Chatelaine the most. It would be nice to have a new Arts and Sciences Minister as well (we have none at the moment). Let's just hope that some of the nice newcomers from this year will stick, and be interested in offices as well.

I'm starting to look forward to the camp... though I have no idea if I can get even half of my plans done for it...

17 Jun 07: Weary And Cynical

Seems I've been too distracted to write. Got a flu right after I came home, which was a bit worrisome - I seem to have got far too many of them in far too little a time. Must go and get myself checked for infection or something. The flu, obviously, wore me out and made it more difficult to prepare for the game, and my voice is completely gone now, after straining it in the game and talking about it, after.

The game was quite okay. Pretty smooth, and atmospheric, and there were some truly awesome moments. I'm sure it must have been really fantastic to many of those little students. Me, I felt like a prop and provider of props, but at least I can say I was there. And the students at my character's weather-magic classes were just utterly adorable, particularly the older ones. Actually, all of the students were really sweet to my elderly character. I just wish the game had not ended an hour too soon: so much of the time was spent in organised activities, like classes, that most would really have needed a little more un-organised time to deal with their character's plots.

I had a great time at the afterparty, and spent far too long in a far-too-lukewarm sauna (too lukewarm for my throat, that is), because Lissu got everyone reminiscing about the best moments of both KIII and KII (the way she always does bring out the best and most positive in people). So tomorrow morning the flu had got an iron grip around my throat again, and there was no way I could make it to the post-game picnic, which was a great regret.

I also received some rather surprising and disappointing news in regard to another pastime of mine, and am now not at all happy about how some very stubborn and silly people can completely spoil other people's hard and dedicated work by their stupid grudges.

Going to nurse my sore throat now; I'd much prefer to be able to vocalise stuff...

12 Jun 07: Back From SCA Coronation In Germany

I'm home from the Drachenwald Coronation near Lubeck, by way of Hamburg, Bremen, Tampere and Mom&O's cottage (having, of course, gone by way of Turku, Stockholm and Skavsta airport). So now I can say I've been to Germany and am no longer quite so ignorant about a) Central Europe (besides Paris) b) the most active people in Drachenwald c) German, funnily enough. I've never studied any German, but since people there simply don't speak as much English as they do here (and anywhere in the SCA), I just had to follow and figure out some. Not that I could speak it at all, besides saying thanks and "Sorry, don't understand", but I could follow some of it, on the basis of English, Swedish and French, and the German detective series on TV.

The event was great - fantastic weather, lovely people, nice court proceedings, good food, all in all very enjoyable. Met lots of new people and felt surprisingly easy being social. It's too bad I can't possibly make it to the Niebelungen War in August because that will pretty certainly be right when I'm supposed to become a godmother. But, well, I hope some of the people I tried to encourage to come to the Cudgel War or the baronial investiture will make it.

I also enjoyed seeing Lubeck, some of Hamburg (well, mainly the Art Museum, as the rest of it was just too big), some of Bremen (great place, but I got there too late to get into the museums and had to contend myself to just looking at stuff from the outside)... and that flying by RyanAir was easier than I had expected. Sure, they're pared-down, but I managed well enough.

On Sunday night I had... quite an interesting adventure... but more of that later. Let's just say that it was rather a top to the curve of my self-confidence that had been slowly rising all weekend.

And I sewed myself a new bliaut for everyday use, all on the trip there and the first evening and morning. From scratch to the condition of being wearable (though unfinished in some parts). And it's red bourette ("raw") silk. And it was much complimented (though not as much as the pearled Indian trims on the old fleur-de-lys bliaut!). So I feel quite accomplished.

Now I need to go and get myself to Uni to sign in for an exam. Which also makes me feel accomplished, having been able to arrange it last week before I went.

I feel like rather a different me, after this weekend. Maybe it's not totally impossible to have a fulfilling life, after all. Or find a partner.

04 Jun 07: Love Letters From The Dream Lord

I had the most incredible dreams last night. Well, not that they were that spectacular, going by the actual events, but enough that the feeling was indescribably joyous. Oh, there were the usual shorts before the main attraction - a larp-cum-reality-cum-larp with a 1970s computer that suddenly started asking everything under the sky, from mathematical theorems in Arabic to the basics of music and musical theory, in an effort to become conscious and then be able to answer the actual question that started the whole thing; and an odd adventure about being a member of a persecuted minority (with burnings of children inside warehouses, and other ugly details, but the overall mood was courageous and adventurous). But then...

I found myself being flung back in time, to the start of my adult life, except with all the experience and knowledge I have now, and so able to make completely different choices! And not only that, but I was completely lacking in fear - any fear, social or academic. There was some compression: some stuff from way back when I first started University, and clearly I had got rid of the highschool-sweetheart-cum-erstwhile-husband at the time I should have (when the first signs of drama turned up), and so was acquainted with stuff I might have, had I become involved with the person I might have, back then. And then more stuff at the founding of Alter Ego, where I got involved instead of having been self-conscious like I was then. And meeting people earlier than I actually did, and therefore also different people. Getting involved with completely new people. Finding out about interesting shared apartments and getting to live there, and therefore having a totally different social life, and therefore, a completely different emotional life as well. And the added excitement of knowing more of people when they were not yet what they are now, and knowing things about them they themselves didn't know yet, and therefore being able to feel in control, and therefore, fearless and forward. And that applied to academic stuff as well. I was still in the humanities, but as my mind was grown-up, I knew I didn't have to worry over whether I was good enough. I knew I was. And all this had been arranged just for me to be able to have a better life. It was... exultant. Incredible. And detailed and long and therefore oh-so-real.

There were more dreams later, where I thought I had woken up, but could still remember these dreams, and was telling Anni and Lin how I had been able to live years again in dreams, really had, and was still almost as ecstatic about it. Funny - the official wisdom is that dreams are actually completely disjointed images that we just arrange into stories, but if that is the case, how does one explain dreams like this, that reference earlier dreams the same night (which are not even that rare for me)?

The thing is, I cannot imagine anything, anything at all, that would be possible for me in reality, that could compare to what that dream described. I wasn't even rich - I couldn't remember things like Lotto numbers, because I never memorised any - or in any way more special than I am now, except this experienced me in the body and life of the younger me, and some of the surrounding circumstances a little different or happening at different times. I know one should not regret and dwell in the past, because there's no doing anything about it any more, but the dream was all too clear a comparison to the futility of my current life. There's not going to be anything worth interest any more. There's just not.

Curse you, Dream King, and the cruelty of your sweet, sweet compassion!

There's got to be more hope than this. This must be a false, circular conclusion. I just can't see the fault right now.

03 Jun 07: One Hurdle Over

Okay, now it's done and settled: Mom got married today. Couldn't write about it before because they didn't tell anyone beforehand besides family. So even though it was a small affair at their home, family only, of course there's been things to do (not much, since they themselves took care of all the food, though) and stress over not being the perfect celebratory accessory. That's a bad way of putting it - but of course family celebrations are times of measuring people and their lives, and so of course I was inordinately scared of such reckoning. And I know Mom wants her milestones and holidays to be perfectly happy, and I know I had no means right now to offer her the satisfaction of seeing her children happy and succesful and having a life.

But it all went pretty well, and I did the flowers and they were satisfactory and gathered many compliments (well, I had the luck of lilies-of-the-valley and lilacs being in season; pictures will be in evidence later), and I poured coffee without making a fool of myself, and I read some poems so that Mom, at least, was happy. And now it's over, and I got a ride home from my darlings P&P, and Mom has officially moved forward. Which is a great thing, a good thing. And I'm home and can relax and be lazy and get to sleep.

But partly because of this I didn't get any study arrangements made for the summer when I should have, and now I don't have any idea if any of it is yet salvageable.

Still, it's summer, and everything smells wonderful, and there'll be lots of fun weekends to come, and this stress is over.