31 Mar 07: And Sometimes, Surprise You Positively

I wrote two rather peevish emails this week, and both received lovely, considerate, reassuring answers. Sometimes people are not that dumb, after all.

(Night) ...I need help now. I need someone to come and get me away from the Eating Thing for a while, to break this terrible spiral where it's snaking all around me and into me and pulling me down with it. And I can't ask for the help, not when this happens, because the monster makes me feel fat and ugly so quickly and completely that I don't want to get out and see anyone... I've been talking about walking the dog for all week and haven't done it once, far less got back into dance exercise like I was supposed to. And right now, I can't kill this dragon by myself. It will take more time than I have at the moment...

30 Mar 07: Costume Movie Night!

Juana la Loca, on YLE1, tonight at 9.30pm. I've wanted to see this movie for ages. Expect lots of drooling over the costumes.

This week has been useless, totally useless.

(Night) Bah. Disappointing. Gorgeous costumes - and gorgeous people, too - but the whole was not that engaging. Too bad.

What's with YLE anyway? There was a story in the news about an arts project to document the present in the Viena "poetry village" of Paanajärvi, and during the clips of artists interviewing and drawing an old lady, her speech was subtitled! Sure, Viena-Carelian is supposed to be part of the separate Carelian language, but her speech sounded like perfectly normal Eastern dialect of Finnish, with maybe two words that are not actually part of the Finnish vocabulary. There was absolutely no need for subtitles - the Vienan dialect doesn't even have the strong voiced sibilants or palatalizations of the more southern dialect that might actually make the speech too weird for Finnish speakers to understand. Silly. Just silly.

I think I could stop being slow and stupid and start being proactive. Like, maybe, watching another costume movie - or finishing, really. Queen Margot has been waiting for its return home for far too long.

Today, I managed to talk to three people about my frustration with the gradu, and they all spoke much sense and made me realise my own gut instict with this thing may be right, after all. Let's see if that will help me out of this block.

(Even later) Today, again, I ran into another version of the axiom "Live as if every day were your last" - a more sensible one that claimed that if hearing you have only a year to live would make you change your life, you need to change your life now, anyway. It's a tempting thought, but unfortunately false. Having to think of how to provide for oneself and (hopefully) for a family for a whole life is quite different from, well, not having to.

If I knew I only had a year, I'd say screw Master's and graduation, subsist on basic social support and write. And dance and buy a harp on loan money and learn to play it. And try to have all the romances I don't dare to try for in reality, because they could not work for the long run, and therefore would be more trouble than they'd be worth - but if I had only a year, I'd definitely throw myself in for as much love, pleasure and beauty as possible (and also not worry about my own fading beauty, as there would not be much time for it to fade further and therefore no further burden to lovers; and so I could dare to show so much more self-confidence). Some time ago I thought that in this hypothetical unfortunate fate I would still want to do the Master's, to prove I'm bright enough, but that was my inferiority speaking. Why would I do something that in reality is only a practical means to find a job, if I knew I didn't need that job?

I might have to fight harder to suppress another self-centered need: that of throwing even all this to the side and having a baby, just to leave behind a legacy, a name in a continuing family tree and therefore a guaranteed memory. I've noticed it becoming a stronger need all the time, but I'm determined that I would not give in.

And no, I have no reason to suspect anything that might cause such an unfortunate prognosis. But life is uncertain, and things happen to people. Just because I now want to live (like normal people do, in general), a long life is no more a certainty than it was before.

29 Mar 07: Figuring Stuff Out

Sometimes staying up far too late seems to pay off. I think I've realised one other reason to why this gradu thing has stalled, besides not having obligatory exams on the RPG theory stuff. I got scared when I had to start reading on the specific feature cluster of linguistic phenomena that I'm supposed to be concentrating on, and supposed to pick just one or two features out of it. I realised that most of the whole thing is not at all what I want to be researching, and that the parts that seem most central to this particular area are exactly the ones that I don't care about at all. And so I got intimidated because I'd have to stick to my guns and say that I really, really want to concentrate on stuff that most people regard as non-essential. Or not belonging to this particular area at all.

I guess this is the time when one needs consultation. But what if I don't have any?

Well, I suppose the only thing I can do is explain this to my supposed tutor, and see what they say. Maybe I'm panicking for nothing, really. Maybe it's not a problem at all.

Oh yes, and I'm also afraid that the GMs who promised me their material in the autumn have changed their minds. But there's a simple solution to that as well - ask. ASAP. (If only it were so easy!)

I also think there are friends I haven't seen for far too long a time.

And furthermore, I seem to be having loads of Opinions about larping again. The sort of opinions that are old news to the old school cynic- elitists, and probably not that new to the rest of thinking people either, but they want out. Which is... alarming. And quite possibly pretentious, or something.

On the other hand, people are clearly being stupid all around me. So I have reasons to be frustrated, really.

(Later) One sense in which people have been disappointing me lately is taking the props service as given and not thanking SuoLi for it. It's not like it isn't a bother for whoever takes care of it, even if the caretaker's personal opinion happens to be that good props are important and necessary, and even some more props are better than less. I mean, have I really been that pushy with it? Do you really feel your games would have been better without the (admittedly limited) props loan the Society can offer? I keep fighting to get more funding to buy stuff to make it more complete, more useful, but if no-one cares anyway, what's the point? And if it is useful enough that you want stuff for your games, is it so difficult to thank the Society for it? It's a service that takes money, time and trouble to keep up.

28 Mar 07: Hard R (And Soft Pop Psychology)

You were warned. Basement dredges, again. (And this is by no means acute; it's been under consideration for a while.)

"Is This How One Learns Compassion?"

...those times, you know, when all you want is
for skin and heat and hands
               that will make you cry?
because all you are is need

...and the easiest need to label is the physical one?

No: because you are ashamed to need
         so much (so deeply so in any manner at all)
and if there is shame
         it must be a shameful need:
thus, it must be the sex

so all you want is to be tied down and taken hard and
and
and be able to cry for your weakness: for needing
so much
at all

No, not because you want that
but because you need the absolution from the shame
of needing
            others

so much
at all

(...And more)

Oh damn. Once it starts...

I know what they've been asking
all these years:
the firefly lamp at the gate to Narnia
the bone-and-diamond sickle of the moon
                that both judges and accepts
the double-named star at the sky of eternal spring
and all the spirits called at the edges
of the faerie circles
                      of my dream and my need

- waiting, more or less patiently,
no more understanding than the earth or the wind
and no less

who are you? they said
the circling, crowding mirrors to my dreams
who are you really? what are you made of?
you can taste us, so let us taste you
and know your essence

and I have yielded freely
and considered that an answer and a promise

It isn't.

when will you stop bullshitting us?
they demand now, withdrawing into air and doubt
and wistful memory that is the bitterest of all
when will you answer truly?

when will you stop waiting
for us to define you and draw your name?
when will you finally begin to act
and name yourself?

27 Mar 07: Too Many Words...

...One wants to say to too many people, or the wrong people, or the words are not the right ones, or are the right ones but not only that. So I end up saying nothing, as usual.

I should just bury my head in the studying. Would be best for self and best for relations to others.

I've been thinking I'm doing quite all right - I'm feeling basically content and upbeat, and so have judged that I don't need the seriously expensive, brand-new antidepressants. However... I just realised that the Eating Monster is slithering in: one day of craving for sweets and eating everything in the house is turning into a week of such, and shows no signs of going away. And all this despite not feeling down at all, so I didn't notice it at first. So... maybe need the meds after all. Just in case.

Damn.

I want to write. I don't want to be quiet. But the words won't come. I'm confused and confounded, as usual. Not unhappy, no, just... frustrated.

And clearly not doing my work.

25 Mar 07: Life Is Just This

Well, I didn't. Look like a sidhe, that is. I looked dumpy and stupid, and my dress sucked big time. Everyone else, by contrast, was elegant and had dresses or suits that fit them perfectly.

I was about to say I hate my life, but I don't, I just feel embarrassed, irritated and resigned. That month of ordinary life and hard work that begins right now - feels the most I can even deserve.

(I just want to note that I did not ask for that particular character in that game - I didn't specifically ask for any of them, and I don't think my wishes gave much direction either. I'm not saying I did not want to play that one, just that I was not that vain, believe it or not. Nor would I be stupid enough complain endlessly about not looking like someone I specifically asked for. And there was nothing wrong with the character as such, quite on the contrary. I just... was not up to it.)

(And I'm actually pretty happy about how I read some of the stuff I read. And more than happy about how other people got into reading and storytelling, as I said.)

Bah. I should stop complaining and get on with my exercise program.

(Night. I feel slightly better after such a lovely day and after more phone calls with friends and family. But what made me write this note was this news. I... don't know how I feel about it. Probably not good at all, because my opinion of Christopher Tolkien's editing work is not particularly high, but I definitely feel... something. Something odd and strong and wistful. I loved, and continue to love, the stories in Silmarillion with a fierce and painful love, and for that at least I should be more respectful of Christopher Tolkien. And the story of the children of Hurin is sad and terrible and so beautiful it cuts your heart into little pieces (and cooks them on slow fire after that), and it's always been... well, not a favourite. Not a favourite at all, but it has always struck me hard. (Like Connor. Actually, just like Connor.)

So I'm feeling really weirded out, is what I'm saying.)

24 Mar 07: Survived, Tired

I made it to Käpälämäki in okay time (notte in time, Lissu had to wait at a train station midway for twenty minutes, but nearly enough). I was happy with my dress and most of my props, had a chance to get to know my stuff in time (and mostly did), and had a very, very good game experience. I thought it was a really well-done game all in all, and it was such a pity to have to leave a few hours early! What I really regret is not having been able to share after the game - to hear if my lesson was okay, and to thank other players who made the experience even better and more atmospheric than I expected. Really, really rewarding.

I was only slightly late from the timetable I had set myself for the Changeling game (fifteen minutes), though of course it was already optimistic in itself. My dress was done and waiting, and I thought so was all the other stuff as well. But all the little things added up to a horrible mess when everything from makeup to hair to flowers went wrong, and I could not hold anything in my hand without dropping it, and I had no safety pins and my hairpins were the wrong sort and I was ugly and the dress didn't sit well and the flowers just would. not. work. and I could not be a beautiful sidhe anyway - and I must have held up the game for nearly an hour. I tried hard to make up for it, but I was so overly tired and all the time only thinking of how I had messed it up already, and now everyone hated me, and it would all go wrong, and be all my fault... There were lovely songs and poems, funny stories and really nice shared storytelling, and there was lots of atmosphere - people were not only dressed in the clothes of their characters (and yummy clothes they were), but they were dressed in the characters as a whole. And the food was lovely, and at least I could offer people my port for apologies. But I was so tired... I could not enjoy it, knowing it was my fault it was held up that crucial hour that some things would have needed still. I enjoyed parts - I admired the performances, all of them; everyone was so inspiring and lovely - but, well, I was just not good enough. Not because of physical exhaustion, but because I just was not.

I spoke with Lissu on the phone about the ending of Käpälämäki and about people's feelings about it, and I feel more confident about how my lesson was received and about the whole thing. I'm already really looking forward to the next, bigger game in June.

I wish I could learn to not panic.

22 Mar 07: Not Good At All

Stressed and unable to sleep. Never, ever, ever again going to cave in and spend this much time with jobs that aren't even mine (and are only hobbies besides). I wasn't supposed to, remember? I really was only supposed to take care of my own part - getting myself to the game properly dressed and prepared, and only that. But what can you do if you feel obligated by duties that slightly touch those you ended up doing, or by friendship, or by empathy, or by simple shame. Or peer pressure - I already feel like a bad, disloyal player about Käpälämäki because I dared to be in another larp two weeks ago and therefore simply could. not. do. certain things earlier. As if I would have missed Rotan vuosi for anything, including the world.

It's not that I mind helping; it's the time and effort that should be spent, yes, you guessed it, studying. Mostly the effort, really - I'm cranky and overstressed and late with my costumes, again (well, my Käpälämäki clothes are done, but I don't have enough props, and I simply have to print stuff on ordinary paper, no matter how horribly wrong that is).

I'm complaining this much because I knew the dangers, and I was determined not to let these things take over my life again. And still they did. I still can't be sensible. Which means I'll never do anything that is actually important, and never graduate.

Besides, I still feel terrified about trying to be an unearthy seelie sidhe.

Yeah yeah, shouldn't complain. But right now I damn well feel like it!

20 Mar 07: Still Not Back On Track

My subconscious rebelled and pulled the plug on me last night: I fell asleep in front of the telly during primetime, dragged myself to bed at some unfathomed hour and slept eighteen hours altogether. None of the stuff I was supposed to do got done, so today has been spent doing all that: writing the weather control materials for Käpälämäki, working on timetables, starting on cleaning the house, a bit of work on clothes. And too much time spent stressing over it all - when work piles up like this, I freeze up and become unable to start any of it, and lose a lot of time on simple stress.

Well, at least some stuff is done now, and I swore to spend the next two days working properly, only giving in to hobby stuff after three pm (a concession of at least three hours really, as I can't get started before ten am anyway).

I still can't choose what to wear for the Changeling.

19 Mar 07: Sidetracked, And Far Too Easily

It's going the way I feared it would go - the games are taking all my time, and in the enthusiasm shared by friends and GMs it's too easy to believe this is perfectly fine. Must not let this happen. Cannot. There will always be distractions, so it's better to learn to not let them overwhelm me. Now.

I did open my books today, and get through one article at least. So at least not actively in denial, and that's something, neh? But then, in addition to game talks, I spent several hours shopping for spring clothes at UFF. I can't feel it was wasted, though, as I really do need spring clothes, and I found some really lovely tops. Nice clothes that are also a bargain always make me feel better about myself (not only on how I look, but also on how much control I have over my life).

But oh, Käpälämäki seems so very, very promising, and I'm so awfully excited about playing an old, oldfashioned Carelian spellsinger and weather witch... I only wish I had time to learn the Carelian language better (and more poems!)! I love it that Lissu's coming to the game as well, and I love it that I could help friends get over communications troubles in relation to the game, and all in all I feel really good about this one. But I still need to write up that short introduction to weather magic... (not tonight, though - too late, too tired).

I only wish I could get as enthusiastic about the Changeling game - the game deserves it - but I'm sure that will come. At the moment the enthusiasm is mainly held back by the worry about all the work involved in cleaning up the house for it... (and dressing up, too, though I do have stuff I can wear with just some little modification, so it's not too bad). It just seems more demanding right now, which is funny, because actually Käpälämäki requires far more work. Maybe I'm just insecure about playing a beautiful seelie sidhe - as could be expected; as per usual. So I guess it'll pass, as per usual.

Need to go to sleep. Some other stuff maybe tomorrow.

18 Mar 07: Apt Weather

I wrote about politics, but then decided I don't want to. So if you think you saw an opinion here, you did, but I'm not discussing whatever it was you saw.

Had a good time visiting Mom with P&P yesterday; spent some more good times visiting Inka&Tuukka today for lunch. Learned the basics of medieval illumination today and started my first-ever illumination project! It just all feels so small and useless right now.

(Oh yes... and I feel glad to be older, again. Glad to be past some things. Glad to be less selfish and less easily hurt. I wish I was more driven, and more confident yet, but I am certainly thankful of these positive developments...)

But I need more time! Two heavy-preparation larps next weekend is turning out to be too much, particularly so soon after another intense larp. And right now there's no way I could skimp on the daily study time for the games, no way at all, no matter how much I want to contribute to these larps!

(Very unwisely, after talking about Rotan vuosi with several people from several perspectives, I want to say that I think the biggest mistake the very experienced GMs made was to cast the wrong people to some of the parts. The second biggest was to link too many of the plots to too few people - there were ways to those plots that didn't involve going through those few people, but they were not ways obvious and logical from a character point of view. And the thing that actually could be developed in the future - by any GMs - is to make players do behaviour workshops beforehand. That would be more helpful than written instructions, which only seemed to encourage the already extrovert players and not actually help the more introvert ones, so many of the usual suspects ended up dominating the game after all.)

(Hum. I think I'm just feeling contrary to some people's comments on the game. I thought it was a great game, and though some of the innovations might still need some more work, at least they were big steps in the right direction - out of boredom, towards adventure and greater-than-life stories... particularly as the plots gave the opportunity to this for women as well as men, which certainly has not been the case in history-based or medieval-fantasy based games in practice. I had everything go wrong for my character, but that was out of sheer bad coincidence, and I still think it was a wonderful game!)

(Later) A proof of growing up is learning to say no, despite being asked personally to do something, while also being complimented on previous accomplishments (which, naturally, felt wonderful). Remember that after last year's Ropecon, I was rather sure I was not going to have the time or the energy to organize another dance show? Well, I still feel so - not because I had a bad experience last year, quite on the contrary. It's just so much work and trouble, and I've done it so many times that I think it's time for something new. Someone else is welcome to continue the tradition, if they feel they have a killer idea and are up to the choreographing and project management of a voluntary dance show with dancers of wildly varying skills and commitments. I can, and do, offer all the advice I have for starters (and might even participate as a dancer, but only that... might being the operative word). If you are interested, do come to the Bardic camp during Easter... or email me to talk about it. I don't want to be involved in any overseer capacity, but I can give you pointers.

I do appreciate the compliments from the direction of the heads of programming, I really do. It's nice to know one has been able to create something (with others, surely) that has fulfilled its function of entertainment...

16 Mar 07: ...Aand, In Retrospect

Let's get some perspective here: I have had really good times in the past two days. I went to see Blood Diamond and didn't exactly enjoy it - it was heartbreaking and, on the other hand, only middling as a movie - but am glad to have seen it now. I spent some honest quality time and good feelings with someone whom I haven't seen that much lately, and at times didn't even want to see, far less be honest and share good feelings with. I feel happy with myself that I really am getting more mellow about people and about my relations to them, and it was a nice time.

I've got some vague grip on my studies, which is very good, and have not even been too intimidated by this famous how-to book on making the gradu by this even more famous gradu specialist. It's actually a very good book, one just needs to be decisive about it, find the parts that pertain to one's own problem points, and not anguish over the parts that one already knows far too well. I had long, interesting email conversations with Mike about Rotan vuosi (he's writing the article I was supposed to write but didn't decide in time, which really makes me kick myself; no more timidity like that next time!). Anyway, so I've been able to sort out my impressions about it a bit (well, it's those and all the email gushing I've done to people who weren't there).

And then, finally, we had a fantastic Warhammer session last night! I thought it couldn't get better than the wild adventure in the preceding session, but this was marvellous. Funny and exciting and - a lot of the time - absolutely devastating. And I'm pretty satisfied with my own actions and choices in the session, and that does wonders to my nonexistent self-image as a roleplayer.

So, many good things that I can be thankful for. Am, too.

15 Mar 07: So Very Heavy To Carry

I'm tired and irritated and feeling stupid, and spring has been smacking me over the head repeatedly with these ugly, sharp-edged sticks of need and longing and inadequacy and dissatisfaction. And confusion and bittersweet dreams, and nothing's wrong really, everything's okay. I'm just tired and hating not having things I want, but hating wanting them even more. And hating my own vulnerability, and the crudity with which I end up covering for it.

How can I be so socially mature and balanced one day, and then so stupid and immature the next?

I'll get back to you once I can tolerate myself again.

13 Mar 07: The Transience of Memory

I was glancing through my poetry books in preparation of Meira's Changeling game, and also hoping to find some more words to embody the impressions of my character and my game from last weekend. In one of my oldest and most beloved poetry collections (Runoni rakkaudesta, edited by Salme Saure, came out in the eighties, I think) I found several of those little paper strips bookmarking poems that became mottoes for characters I wrote... but the character names were completely strange to me. Where are they from? Which game, which year, with whom? I can't figure them out, and it's terribly disturbing. Maybe they are just planned characters for the possible continuation of the Goblin Marshes campaign that never happened? But I don't remember getting that far with those plans...

How aggravating!

I'm trying to avoid writing a debrief from last weekend's game (so what else is new?). This time, however, I don't even plan to start on a detailed in-game story; I plan to give comments on the game and then some notes on the most interesting parts of my character's experiences, and that's it. But even so, I find myself reluctant to go back to her. I guess I'm taking my failure to find a solution for her worse than I thought? Or... maybe not. Maybe it's because by now I've had a couple of things occur to me that I could have done to get to those adventures that eluded me - me, myself, on my own, putting myseld boldly forward. And now I feel like a total incompetent as a player, and don't have much hope for ever getting any better.

(Later) ...And these blasted words just won't stop. I blame spring and its completely unfair and altogether crushing flash attack - I mean, where did all the snow go in just two days? I'm not yet ready to shed the heavy clothes, not ready at all. And I'm not ready for the rush of life and the restless, formless need for something, anything, action or reaction, no matter, but something. Hear me, spring? I'm preparing, I'm doing quite okay; I may even manage the naked light and the sharply revealed demands and the gleams that show all the cracks in the corners of my poor thinly-veiled soul - soon, soon, yes. I will. But this is a bit too fast... please.

I wonder if actually burying oneself in hard studying might help shield a bit? It's worth a try at least.

Saw a friend today whom I see far too seldom. Was very nice. Plans for the costumes for that double-booked weekend after the next seem reasonable. And I finally seem to be catching up with the long-time slimming plan (just need to get a grip and get that regular exercise arranged). Herbalife milkshakes & vitamins and green tea seem to be doing the trick pretty reasonably. Also, eating a healthy meal at UniCafe at least three times a week. And dancing to The Voice as often as possible, and doing my shoulder exercises regularly. But there's still quite a long way to go.

12 Mar 07: Phoning In

Fantastic game last weekend. This Is How It's Done, definitely (with no disrespect to ÅBN organisers - you can earn back the honorific once we get to yours :)). My character's fate was thoroughly thwarted and unhappy, and I personally didn't get to have as much fun and adventure as I hoped - but that was due to sheer bad coincidence during the game, as it sometimes goes! More later, impressions still unsorted.

Some tangential notes: I screwed up my sewing plans in the end, as usual, but did end up with a new tunic (though it was too tight and badly sewn, it was rather fancy), wide pants, nice underpants (long braies really) and gartered socks, and I put it all together with one of the second-hand furs with the sleeves taken out, an Arabian-style decorated jacket, my old red cloak and new-ish dark-blue hood, as well as fur leg covers. My false braid was perfect, I had loads of bags, pouches and jewellery, and all in all I was satisfied with the impression. Not that it was anything special compared to what many players had pulled together: the costumes were amazing all through the line. Simply amazing - and as Konsta said in his thanks, it was possible to tell everyone's cultural affiliation with a single glance. And that, of course, is how it should work with LARP costumes.

Another tangent: music seems to have been a big defining factor for me in this one. First, I kept listening to "Isohaara" by CMX while sewing before the game, and it was definitely the right sort of mood music for it (I'm sure some of the older CMX material would have been an even better fit, but this one was what I had, and what evokes the greatest sense of distant, bittersweet truth in me). The song "Minun sydämeni on särkynyt" has always been a favourite of mine, and it resonated with the general bitterness and emptiness that was at the bottom of my character's defiance of any power over her, including God (as well as the futility and sadness of such defiance in the end, which the player could see though the character could not). The refrain kept playing in my head in the game. Other refrains that kept pestering me were less fitting, but then they simply became part of the general spiritual background noise of the game situation; the vague unease felt at the closeness of strange powers and the irritation of so many unknown people around.

However, today, after eighteen hours of sleep to catch up, I had the Voice on in the background, and I found it very fitting to describe my character in restrospect with Apulanta's new song, "Viisaus ei asu meissä" (Wisdom does not live in us)... And yes, it was just that frustrating and sad.

Later, then. I'll be getting up and going to listen to the Perinnearkku jam night.

(Night) And a lovely jam night it was, too, with lots of dancing by the OKT folk dancers, and lots of lovely, lovely music. But now, even later, at home, I again feel too full of words to be able to make sense of them; they pile up against the gates and crush into a formless mass.

Once again, I find myself being seduced by the idea of an anonymous blog. Here, I can't write about anything too embarrassing, simply because I just can't. I can't write about dislikes and mixed feelings about people, because they might read it, and I'm not at all interested in creating interpersonal drama these days. Nor can I write about these moments of desperate, sometimes undirected, often inappropriate, and always too intense longing, because people would read it, misunderstand it, and hie themselves away from hither just to avoid being targeted by it.

(And yet we all are made of longing. All. Passion is born of need, and there is neither drive nor purpose in us without passion. We seek something we do not have: thus it is that we grow, and our fate grows, and we may be able to contribute to the circle of life. Maybe. But without longing, there is not even a maybe.)

(And yet - how hard it is, sometimes. Sometimes so light, lighter than air, to carry us into flight. But sometimes, so heavy. So very heavy to bear.)

08 Mar 07: ...And Updated!

Idiot me. Forgot to add this month's link to the diary frontpage. Well, now it's there, and here are the ramblings for the past week, then.

I really need to change into a blogging system. It's a defeat of principle, but this is getting just too clumsy.

(Night) A fellow graduation program participant and I went to see The Departed as our official indulgement for Women's Day, and came out very satisfied. It was much better than I had expected - feared, to be honest. Much, much better - not a pity Oscar film at all. The script sparkled and snapped with womderful dialogue, the direction was first-rate, and the actors were phenomenal and very, very engaging. I wouldn't be surprised if diCaprio made more than one appearance in my dreams for the next couple of weeks... I didn't even want to like him in this, but I had no choice. What a performance! Damon was also good, but his role was less conflicted and so less multifaceted; Wahlberg was wonderfully entertaining; all in all I can't think of much I didn't like.

It's always nice when something is more enjoyable than one expected.

I haven't got even nearly far enough in my reading for the game - or in my sewing. It would be nice if we could get study points for the reading we do for all this; I mean, we're studying set books for Uni history, after all! Oh well... at least the information is interesting in itself. And the clothes will probably be useful in the long run, or at least possible to sell.

Besides, at least I'm doing far better now, after getting the rant out of my system the other day. Not caving in under the food monster, for one. And feeling energetic and able to manage with reasonable sleeping hours. All good, very good.

07 Mar 07: I Know What I Want...

...An alarm clock that speaks in the voice of Jeeves!!

I must, must, must have one. It might even make it tolerable to fight through to waking up every morning!

Today, I acted as a shoulder to cry on for a fellow study group member who has been treated badly by the social support system, and not only recently, either. I hope I could help at least a bit - at least I tried to give them practical advice on depression medication and how to deal with the psychology people at the student health (be short and concise when asking for an appointment: make it clear that you need help right now, to be able to carry through a crisis point with studies and money stuff and such, but that you don't plan to need it for long, and that you have a definite life and survival plan which you intend to pursue, ie. the graduation program; that way they know you won't be a waste of their resources, to put it bluntly). (And even in the latter case they would help, but you would have to get in a very long line.) And I tried to encourage them to push through and demand their rights with the social support people: one is supposed to get help if one doesn't even have the means to eat or pay the rent! I hope it'll work - they've really met more disinterest and outright hindrance that is reasonable for anyone to be able to bear.

Then I went to Suvi's place and instructed her on cutting some clothes, and started with my own current projects as well. Didn't do nearly enough, but at least it was a start.

Lots of game plans and thoughts. What about studies? Well, I went to the library and did some book-checking, so not totally useless.

06 Mar 07: ...Yet Our Natures Stay The Same

I'm not yet panicking about next weekend's costume. I know where to get the two books I wish to read to background info, tomorrow. I made a real find yesterday - that much-looked-for false hair for an extra braid in the right colour and shape, and really cheaply, too (it's not easy to find anything in this ruby-burgundy, and my old braid was pretty much past its usefulness anyway). I was much reassured about the game after this one - got loads of interesting info on it, and now feel safely included even though I cannot take part in the pre-game (because I'll be in Rotan vuosi). I'm going to see Suvi's new kittens tomorrow, and maybe get to do some sewing in company, which is always nicer than alone. I'm going to the movies with a study group friend on Thursday. I won this lovely, perfect rug from huuto.net really cheaply.

So many good things. And yet... why is the Eating Monster rearing its many ugly heads since last night? Why am I approaching a state of helpless panic, freezing up though I don't really have time for such foolishness? Because I need another appointment to renew my medication (botched the telephone appointment last week - just forgot) and it feels complicated and difficult? Because of the delay in the basic housing support? Because I'm putting off studying though I swore to get a grip on it? Because despite all the good promises I'm gathering far too many hobby things to do, again? Maybe. None of these reasons feel quite right, but I suspect together they make up quite enough.

I guess I need to have another talk with myself on priorities.

Also, I suspect the catalyst was a single issue that sounds quite preposterous: my newfound enthusiasm for the renaissance dances made me want to go to a big dance event in Germany in two weeks' time, and I found it difficult to accept that I could in no way make it this time. I simply can't afford such escapades yet. The Coronation trip in June will have to be enough for now... but I already managed to develop not only the desire to go, but a sense of necessity about it - like I could not even think of doing the dances if I didn't get serious about it and do everything there was to do... thus, go to Germany to the event. Demands. Expectations. Too many and too strict. As usual.

So, yes, a talk is clearly in order. Girl, be sensible! What was the first rule again? Studying comes first. So no stressing over other matters, no taking on more of them than serves as light relaxation! Hear me?

Now that's better. Face it, this is what life is right now. There'll be time and money for dance events later. Just like there will be time for more detailed immersion into the world of the later games. Right now, keep to what is reasonably accomplished, and that's it.

(P.S. I also worry about Sir Crush, because I heard he had to miss last weekend's ball because of some unfortunate social duties, and I don't know if it was anything serious, and if it was, I feel sympathy, but I'd like to know it wasn't - but how does one ask if something was serious or not without sounding callous and pushy? No, I don't worry excessively, I just always freeze up in the tangle of awkward social dilemmas like this, and they make me feel unsatisfied with my own social skills, and I seriously don't like it when I feel like that. I should be more skilled in such matters! I should be expert! And not a bumbling idiot. So I'm more disappointed at my own inexpertness than worrying about his situation, anyway. Which is either reassuring in that I'm not obsessing, or selfish and lacking in empathy. I do feel empathy. I just don't want to be a drag. Hell, everyone must know how awkward such social contact situations are, so maybe I've covered the subject thoroughly enough by now.)

05 Mar 07: On The Satisfaction Of Being Grown Up

I had a lovely time at the Hucca Spring Ball. I did feel sad at times for not knowing many of the dances that are danced these days - it's not a problem of technique, but one has to know the order of the step sequences anyway, and many of the authentic renaissance dances are quite irregular, so it's not nearly as simple as the branles, for example, or even most of the ECDs. But it was not a big problem - at such times I could hang out with Moira, looking properly lady-in-waiting-ish, or catch a breath of air with Dugi, or admire my friends on the floor. Clotilde, for example, was looking so beautiful in her green silk early 1500s Italian, and her grace and skill in the dances is splendid to watch. And I did get to dance a galliard with her and Johanna and not botch my part completely, and it was lovely. And not once did I remember the fear I used to have in the past years - that I'd feel old and excluded because no man would be willing to dance with me anyway. It just was not relevant. I enjoyed dancing what I knew, with friends I like, and it was good. That is the first part of what I meant by the subject line of this entry. I didn't need the reassurance from other people, I just enjoyed myself.

And even not knowing many dances did not make me feel inferior, it simply raised the urge to do more dancing from now on! I'm pretty out of practice even with memorising steps, and that does suck! We're not even going to go into the spectacle of the blankout I had with the lovely pavane that Mistress Celemon taught during the day and that I had so enjoyed dancing with Johanna (Celemon concentrated on teaching deportement and expression, and I think we did pretty well in both)... Since this was the part where only a single set of dancers were on the floor at a time, and since Moira had begun by asking me to dance with her and Dugi, I practically had to ask Lord Gaucelm to celebrate his induction to the Order of the Panache (well merited! and high time, too!), and we both just blanked out... but people said we saved it quite nicely, and it didn't show. Except for the dozen or so other people who also learned the dance earlier... Still, a good time.

And the food was again lovely, and people had beautiful dresses! And the site was not intolerable, though the dance floor gets a little cramped and you don't easily get to talk with the people who are not dancing at all (and I do wish we'd find a better solution to the terrible modern lighting at the site! the lanterns I'd brought weren't enough, as the led candles give too little actual light). And I really enjoyed Celemon's class, and SCA gossip (rather benign, don't worry), and then on Sunday, a little more SCA shop talk with M&D. And I had the opportunity to borrow the car and help with the cleaning on Sunday morning, which also made me happy - to be able to be of use. Also, I had taken along the dress I made for Yövartio, to check if I could modify it in the waiting hours before the ball, but could not finish it in time - and yet I didn't worry about even that, but wore my bliaut and was okay with it.

(Besides, when I made it to Vera's party afterwards, all lingering apologies over not having a renaissance dress appropriate to the ball were banished by everyone there admiring my bliaut and jewellery extensively! It served as a useful reminder of perspective, which is easy to lose in SCA dressmaking! Another proof of being an adult: the ability to remember that one does not have to obsess to excess! And that one can fully delight in what one has made that's lovely and beautiful and not mar it by comparing it to things it is not.)

The thing that actually reminded me that I certainly have grown up a bit, and that it is a wonderful thing to be so, happened later at Vera's party. An acquaintance from long ago came over to talk to me, first to shyly comment on how much they liked my dress, and when I responded nicely, to move the talk to the old schism between us. We had been actively avoiding each other for a long time, because at one time, it was made known to me that they did not like me (probably because we're similar in some ways but too different in the way we react to things - or at least were at that time, when I was still reeling from what being with Tommi did to me). This was somewhat acute, as we might have had to fit into the same shared apartment, and as could be expected (particularly at that time), I did not take well to the information, and even less to the fact that the other possible tenants thought this was my problem, not that of the other side, or anyone else's (I do want to note that I had not done anything to merit the dislike - I had not, to my knowledge at least, ever argued with this person or said anything negative to them before that). So, we did not end up in the same apartment, but I nursed the resentment for a long time, and as far as I understand, that in its turn was made known to the other side, and they resented my resentment, and so it went on.

But now, I can honestly say that I had not even thought about the whole thing for a long time, and I'm glad the person came to talk to me, and I'm glad I could honestly say they were bygones. I'm bigger now, and not only bigger, but much different. I can appreciate someone even if they are very different from me, and it seems that's how they feel as well. We commented positively on each others' diaries (I have to say I had to stop reading theirs a long time ago simply because they write wonderfully, are very invested in being a writer, and I felt my inferiority too acutely!), and talked a bit about old acquaintances, and I was very happy about the whole conversation. So happy that that in itself made me more drunk than I actually was, and it was probably my insistence that led to a couple of us hiking a couple of kms to another friend's place until the buses started going again... Not that that was bad in any case, I liked talking to these people, which I get to do too seldom, but the wisdom of staying up quite that late could certainly be debated, particularly since I was heading for the cleanup of the ball site and got to sleep only three hours before that... And besides, I probably bored everyone close to sleep by my lectures on the structure and social workings of the SCA... (but that had a reason! I needed to explain what a Panache meant to people who know Gaucelm vaguely!)

(But I really, really

Still, benevolence was in the air, and that is certainly something in which my store has greatly increased with age, and that makes me so happy. It is more important than all regrets of age lines and delayed studies and being a washed-up single with no life. To be able to forget resentment. I am so, so grateful for that.