You can contact me at svaha@iki.fi

15 March 03: Useless

Bad, tired, exhausted day. Wasn't up to anything. Have eaten a monstrous amount of food. Slept all evening.

It seems I still simply collapse sometimes. I don't like it, and I can only hope it won't start a self-feeding spiral of self-loathing as it used to.

I feel awful and I really, really need some company. But it seems to be true that if one doesn't go out of the house to actively meet people, then one can only blame oneself.

The only interesting thing today has been watching an episode of "The Edwardian Country House" on TV and feeling self-importantly superior to the people who went in to work as the staff, as they did not seem to have a very clear idea of how hard they were going to work, nor of the fact that resentment would not make the situation any better. All experienced larpers are better prepared! Though I also suspect the fault lies partly in the production company - that in the name of drama and suspense they had not prepared people as well beforehand as they could have. Nevertheless, the series instantly got on my must-see list.

Too much work to do, and all the magic and poetry is out of my reach right now.

14 March 03: Reality Checks

Ookay, I'm breathing more easily now. Ego actually made me strain my brain a bit, so as not to go the easiest way with his character. We ended up with something resembling a reasonable accord.

And I also got more orders for costumes. Very good.

The day at the school passed with surprisingly little pain and effort. I even heard someone ask from their little sister if I was okay as a substitute (she had just been at my lesson, and the big brother was going to be at the next one), and the answer was positive...

However, right now I don't feel that good. Not clinical-depressive-good-for- nothing-shit-awful, just sad and lonely. And I keep telling myself not to give up now, no matter how much it hurts to be lonely and still go on bravely and do things in a group, for an even larger group.

Hang on there, girl. Don't give up now. Don't give up the satisfaction of this project to escape from the pain of in-your-face loneliness. You can take it, even if it comes flavoured with salt water. Even if you feel stupid and naive and laughed at. Hang on. The accomplishment will be the thing that lasts a long time after the loneliness has passed.

Hang on...

13 March 03: Nothing Much, Except for Angst

Didn't do anything particularly spectacular yesterday. Met Topsu in town, got the dyes for the wool cloaks I'm making for them, got some advance money for the cloaks and tunics, had a cup of cocoa. Oh yes, and chatted with another player about their character.

I'm really worried about these characters now. You see, every single one of my players has been pretty happy with the character concept and even the details as I've presented them. It seems that my ideas are working. So things are going pretty well, and I don't trust that. It simply does not happen that I am capable - almost good - at something. Catastrophe must be looming somewhere, behind some door that I just can't see yet - and that is the most worrisome aspect of all! If I can't anticipate it, it's going to hit me so hard I'll be completely squashed, smashed and trashed.

It's all going to go apocalyptically wrong at some stage, I just know it is... I don't want it to, but it always happens... Nothing I am part of making can go well, at least not the part that is mine...

Oh God, please, now I'm terrified.

Atte and I went to see the exact site they promised for our battlefield today, and it is quite acceptable. Once we get our heads around the particulars of the place, it will probably be excellent. All in all, it is rather expensive, even with our cooperation deals, so we decided not to get a paid meal from the hostel at the farm (it's a farm owned by the University of Helsinki). We'll get some things for players to eat so they won't collapse at the game, and hopefully will be able to heat water for hot juice and soup, and then after the game is over and sauna awaits, there will be a meal available for a small fee for those who want it. (The game fee is rather low, after all, so that should not be a problem for most...)

The biggest logistics problem left is tents... (enough of them, and within our budget...)

I coloured the cloaks fabrics today - and they did not turn out as well as I had hoped. Boring colours, and not at all what I wanted. I guess both pieces need yet a third packet of dye. I also got around to starting the actual sewing of the tunics.

I'm working tomorrow, at a school nearby. I'm bewildered as to what I could do, as the headmaster who called me said that there's probably no lesson plan for tomorrow (the teacher's been absent for two days already). A lesson is too short to watch a film... whatever I will try to find in their books that is even remotely interesting, they will already have covered it... I've spent some time thinking, and I now have some ideas. We'll see.

Oh, and again, one of those days when unrequited love feels particularly sharp and unpleasant. So what else is new?

11 March 03: Vanity, Oh, Vanity!

I'm still rather ill with the flu, so I slept until late afternoon (and had highly unpleasant dreams) and then spent all day in front of the computer, with Faerun stuff. You can see the results at the homepages: a couple of pictures from Faerun II. No, I didn't take them, Atte did. I only put the page up. But aren't we pretty impressive (Samu and I especially)?

My brain hurts. I need to sew Topsu's and Heli's tunics, but I need some ribbons for them. So, need to go to town tomorrow (for other reasons, too). I hope I'll feel better by then.

Yesterday I searched through all the flea markets here at Tikkurila for that blanket to use for Topsu's cape, but I didn't find any. Have to come up with something else.

Everybody else writes about the parliamentary elections and/or the Iraq situation. I don't know what I should say about them, though I've been quietly following both. I just hate watching people disagree about self-evident matters. (See, that is my problem with politics: I feel every sane person should see the wrongs and rights and correct ways to act in a situation, and I can't bear it when it is pointed out to me that they don't, simply because they see another wrong and right and correct way.) I just want everyone to live in peace and do their best to help each other.

Call me naive, then. I could settle for everyone leaving each other alone and not trying to conquer or torture or kill or rape them. And as for the Finnish elections... I haven't chosen my candidate yet, but it will probably be a woman and from the Green Party or the Social Democrats. My dad (all my honest respect and love to him) would have a fit.

...Hmmm. I glanced through my entries for December and early January. And it seems to me that there clearly has been some improvement. I mean, I don't talk about killing myself all the time. And I actually have something to do that I write about. Maybe it's not anything crucial for the world, but still - I am part of something that requires lots of work from me and others and may, if everything goes well, result in fun for lots of people. This is so much better than before.

Thank you, Atte, for letting me be a part of it.

10 March 03: Ce-le-bra-tion!

YES! WE HAVE A GAME LOCATION!! YES!!

And the funny thing is, it turned out that the best choice was the place that we went to see a month ago and thought very good, but not for this game.

I'm SO good.

(Later) ...Though I seem to be the only one who thinks so.

And I hate I hate I HATE THIS FLU! I hate the cough and how it hurts my throat and my head. I hate the dizziness. I hate the exhaustion. I hate the constant feeling of faint nausea. I hate how I can't exercise or even go out of the door and shopping without falling ill again! I hate everything!

Hm. I guess yesterday's foul mood only jumped forward a bit to wait for today. I haven't been able to accomplish anything today after arranging for the game location. I have a headache, and I slept on the sofa through all of Maria Kallio and most of everything after it, too.

It would be so nice if someone would pat me on the head a bit and tell me what a brave and accomplished girl I am. But no, why would anyone do that? After all, it's not like I have to have anything to do with this game project. I made the offer all by myself. And besides, what's there to celebrate about finding a game site when the game itself is less than a month away? Not really that much.

I think the best thing to do would be to go to bed and see how the world looks tomorrow, but at the moment I'm too tired and low to do anything else than bury myself deeper into the sofa and be alone-in-the-rain-Quasimodo-Eponine-orphan-puppy-miserable.

09 March 03: Irritable

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Everything I write is rubbish. Grmphstf!

This is clearly a "känkkäränkkäpäivä", the sort of day where I expect everything to go wrong, which it naturally does, and even if it doesn't, it won't be good, one way or another. Grrm. Growl.

Went to a fleamarket to see if I could find a blanket to use for Topsu's cloak. Came out with a few things that were great finds and wonderful bargains, but I should not have used any money, not even for those things. Depressing.

(Later) Did a lot of pacing around in the house, but also some useful stuff: washed the piece of purple wool designated for Heli's tunic - quite successfully, thank heaven; cut Topsu's tunic and all the decorative strips of brocade for it; did some more pre-work for the sewing itself. Caught up with both Anni and Lin, at separate times, when they came home (and in Anni's case, left again). Got my sewing project notebook back from Atte's place, where I forgot it at the Faerun meeting on Wednesday (as it also serves as a general emergency notebook). Wrote some important email. Decided not to watch the first thirty minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" and promptly forgot to turn the TV on later in the film.

In the end, the day was not so bad, after all. Besides, I can feel my stomach and back muscles aching, which means I worked out well and good yesterday. Now if only all the medicine I've taken will banish this nasty cough...

Need to sleep; must call about the game location tomorrow morning.

08 March 03: All That Jazz!

Chicago was pure ecstasy for a musical freak like me. Nothing but pure ecstasy. And I want to be Catherine Zeta Jones. (On second thought... even with all that beauty, talent, money and fame, to be married to Michael Douglas? Nope.)

Went to see it in the special preview showing for Women's Day with Mom. Had a nice time, with lunch at Santa Fe afterwards, and then a stroll through the basic exhibition at Ateneum (refreshing our memories of all the most important paintings in Finnish art history - and they actually are worth it), and finally a rum cocoa at Kaisla.

Hurried home to IRC-chat with Topsu about his Faerun character and was glad to have the character concept approved. Felt an unfamiliar tingle of accomplishment. Sat in front of the computer and tinkered with other character ideas until decided it was no use, put on a Ricky Martin CD and started to dance and then exercise.

Gosh, I'm good.

Perhaps I should not have picked Notre-Dame de Paris for my final stretches, though. Just encourages the longing. (No... not really. Nothing can change it much for now. I don't know. It makes me sad and angry to think about it right this moment. I'm tired. And cursing the man - it must have been a man - who invented self-sacrificing love. But I'm sure that will pass.)

On a brighter note, I think Anni and I reached some sort of a temporary plateau of peace and understanding yesterday. At least I hope so.

07 March 03: Torn

I should decide whether I want to go to tomorrow's Vampire game or not. The problem rises from the fact that I can't get my aftergame reports done, so my GM doesn't know what I'm doing and isn't willing to trust me with stuff from her part - which is quite understandable - so I end up feeling useless and extraneous. I suppose I should just admit that if I want to continue in the chronicle, I must write those reports, and if I won't, then it would be better to drop out. It's just that I've played that character for such a long time... she deserves a better ending.

...Okay. I've decided. I'm not going tomorrow. I'll work this thing through in my head and either get my reports updated, or give the whole thing up. I really don't think it has to go to that, but if it does, then it does, and it's my own loss.

06 March 03: Feelings, and Stuff

I shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty for loving someone, now should I? Even if they don't love me back?

(Later) This possible exchange of words between my therapist and me floated through my brain as if we had gone through it already:

"You know that these people are using you!"

"I don't care. I'd rather be used than ignored."

I hope she knows how to answer that, since I sure as heck don't.

Done a lot of work for the game. Antti was visiting today to talk about his character, as I was too ill with the flu to meet him in town. We got quite a lot figured out, and some of the other characters got more shape in my mind during the conversation, as well. Now I've written down the general, short descriptions of all the knights and fighters in my group, and I know a lot more about some of them. Still need to work on the healers (a LOT!) and the War Wizards (luckily there are only three, and I have quite a good picture of all of them, as well).

The healers/clerics are still very blank, except for Kalle's character, and a general, hazy image of Lissu's priestess of Selune. But I haven't really thought of that group much yet, only begun to, after yesterday.

I can't believe it's Friday tomorrow already! Stupid flu! I want to get well and moving. I really do!

I couldn't even make it to Pukkisaari in the morning: I was too ill. This was the worst morning with the cough, and after all the activity yesterday, I was little better than a corpse. I want this flu gone. Now.

I want a lot of other things, too. Like world peace. Or a relationship. Any relationship, though a moderately satisfying one would be preferrable. Both of these wishes are about as likely to come true.

I'm regretting my decision to be truthful here. Why? Because I know one should never reveal that one does not consider oneself worth of much, because everyone else will come to believe it, too. But if I didn't, I would leave such a huge fact out that it would be like outright lying.

I don't want to be like this. I want to live, and love, and dance, and write, and be happy with myself and think that anyone who has a chance with me is lucky. But I can't. How could I possibly?

The best I can hope for is pity, and pity burns like poison. Not that I won't take that, anyway.

05 March 03: Experiencing A Good Day

When was the last time I walked around in the city, thinking: "This is a good day"? Far, far longer ago than I can remember. However, today it happened, flu and everything. The sun was spreading spring everywhere when I went to town, I was going to have coffee with Lissu and get money for the costume I made for her, and I had an appointment with my old therapist that I trusted. It could not get much better than that.

(Oh, there is one way in which today could have been improved on, but that was not, is not, never was a realistic - anything. And I just mention it because I happened to think of it - that I could conceive of something even better.)

Anyway. It was so good to see the therapist again. And she got straight to business, too. I had managed to forget some of her bluntness - well-placed, to be sure, but something that needed some adjustment again, after all this time. But it's refreshing, and it's one of the main reasons why I enjoyed working with her and admired her enough to trust her during our earlier work together: I so rarely meet anyone who so effortlessly cuts through my endless bullshit of rationalizations and emphatizations and "but-of-course-it-could-also-be"s and those ever-widening walls of Fine/No Fine loops. She's going on her winter vacation for two weeks now, but we'll continue after that.

And she struck right at what she sees as my main problem - my "guilt complex", as she called it. It must have hit pretty close to home, as I actually spent minutes in the train on the way home, thinking that maybe I should not go to her after all, as it might turn me into an arrogant, unkind person... I actually entertained that thought for a little while, and oh, it was tempting to stick to it and just run away, back to my hidey-hole... Luckily, there is enough common sense floating somewhere near my brain (not in it, that I can swear) that I could catch hold if it and look through it to see the incredible absurdity of that thought.

On the way home, I already spent far too much of the costume money in the UFF second-hand store in Tikkurila. Got a nice skirt, though, and some nice cheap wool fabric, again. Then I hurried home to gather up my computer and Atte's Faerun book (which I promptly left where I picked up the computer) to go to the writers' meeting. We picked players for most of our separate groups, and I've now got all of mine. As I hoped, I got some more knights. I still have a very hazy picture of about half of the healers, but I hope to get more inspiration, if at least some of the players send me some information on what kind of stuff they like (I emailed all of the ones I picked today).

I still hold out hope for more players - so far, with all the groups that are definitely coming even though they are not yet on the players list, we are somewhere over 160, which is pretty good, but the more, the merrier.

It seems we may be going to our first pick of the new game sites, after all. We'll know more tomorrow.

Anni and Lin went to Lahti so that they can train with their singing group. And I promised Emilia to go to Pukkisaari tomorrow morning with some other Greywolves to look ancient-Finnish in the background while the morning TV interviews a couple of people. I made the promise before I realized I had caught this stupid flu, and I can't really back out now, as there are not that many people going. So it's probably going to be a pretty cold and miserable dawn... I haven't even thought of what to wear (at least not much). I suppose I should go and loot my closets, and probably Anni's, too.

04 March 03: Victim of Another Flu

This explains the weakness yesterday: I caught something at the game. My throat's pretty bad even after drinking endless mugs of tea and hot juice. I've stayed inside, to be in some shape for tomorrow. I need to go to town for several reasons, not the least of which is the therapist's appointment. After that, we have a writers' meeting for FIII.

Besides, I need to make phonecalls about the other possible location in the morning, so we can decide in the meeting.

Today's heroic deed consisted of naming most of the characters I'm writing. Good girl!

I'm still too exhausted and sleepy to write much about last weekend's game, "Vanhat valat, uudet ajat". But there are some pictures on the homepages already (none of me, unfortunately, except for a some hazy glimpses where I'm leaning on the hall balcony next to Jukka, my hair still on rollers and skin un-greened). I hope someone got a pic of me, and of Lissu's costume, too (there is one of her, but she is not wearing the belt in it yet).

I'm trying to watch "The Age of Innocence" with Anni and Inka, but I'm too woozy. Time to go to bed.

P.S. I've religiously avoided IRC chatting for all these years, so as not to get addicted to it. I don't think that is such a danger any longer, but I've noticed that if I do it, I have tendency to try and be too clever (mostly it's unconscious). I'm not clever, so better not attempt it.

03 March 03: Exhausted, But Satisfied

The game was good, and the whole weekend was moderately nice. Far too little sleep and far too much driving and sewing, but otherwise okay. Met lots of nice people again. However, I'm still so tired I can barely write, and I almost collapsed today when we were out checking a potential location for Faerun III, despite sleeping for thirteen hours last night.

Yes, we now have two assured choices for location! We'll make the choice on Wednesday after getting some more budgeting information, but both of them are acceptable! So on Wednesday I can finally put up the practical information page!! Hopefully, after that all those people who were not yet convinced will decide to take part. I honestly think it's actually going to be pretty good, if everything goes as planned.

I'll write more about my experiences at the Olavinlinna game tomorrow. Now I need more sleep.