You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

31 March 03: My Panic Or Yours?

Five days to go. No way is this going to work out well... at least not for me personally...

As such, I do trust Atte and the game. I'm just afraid there's still stuff I should have done better... as I always am. I wish I could just enjoy the anticipation, but... so much still needs to be done...

And I've totally screwed communication with one of my players. I got his character concept completely wrong, and now we can't find common ground, and we're both too irritated to work to it... And I'd really like to please him (as a player, that is). It's gone so well with most players so far... Now I know how GM's feel when I am being a cranky player (and it's not that he's cranky, I just got his ideas wrong).

And I'm tired of sleeping on the sofa after my bed broke. One of the legs broke off, and I haven't been able to fix it yet.

I keep thinking, is this worth it? I am so tired. It should be fun, and it was for a while... I just hope it'll be so again. At some stage.

28 March 03: Deep Diving

Been drowning in characters way over my head, but surprisingly, once in a while, coming to the surface with results. This is what I should have been doing for the past two weeks.

Well, better late than never. The situation is still salvageable, if I keep on working hard.

Saw my therapist yesterday, after her winter vacation. Lots of thoughts, but still mostly a mixture of current crisis control and catching up with old stuff, so I don't know how productive it was in the long run - yet. But we'll be getting there, definitely.

So funny... she asked me why I was so absolutely certain that it would be impossible with me and the Certain Someone. How else could it be? And anyway, I know he considers it so. He's made it clear enough.

Have to get back to writing. Maybe I'll manage to finish one more character tonight.

P.S. Tomi, my dear northern elf, where's my poem...?

25 March 03: Caught In The Fire

"We're caught in the fire, the point of no return
So we'll walk through the fire and let it burn..."

I hate being this stupid. I hate this ache. I hate this. All of it.

What is bugging me, he asks. What do you think could be bugging me?? That I see you and cannot touch. That I hear you and just want to melt into you and can't. That I would ignite and drown in fire if I only got to touch you, and that is all I want, all I dream of.

That I'm a stupid, selfish little girl who cannot look away from the candy shelves and go home and stop crying.

That it's good and right and proper to be friends, and even if it weren't, I'd choose that over not seeing you at all, and it still hurts.

That I have to be nice and proper and useful by my own choice, no less, and never get what I desire.

And just to remind you, this is a diary. I rant here. It's part of its function. It does not mean that what I say here is the ultimate truth, especially if I'm feeling awful and angry. Like I am now.

These are nothing more or less than feelings. Acting on them is a matter of choice, and I can choose wisely. It doesn't change the fact of the existence of said feelings, or their effect on me.

I shouldn't have written even this. If a Certain Someone should happen to read this, he would instantly decide that a) I am becoming a dangerous liability b) for my own good he should cut me off. And then I would be even more miserable. But this is me, this is how I feel, and this is my diary, dammit!

I should be allowed to rant every now and then.

I know I'm being repetitive. But better that than going from bad to worse.

Now, as ranting is over: I was supposed to go on a 20-hour cruise yesterday, with a few other people, but the person who got us tickets did not know and therefore did not mention that passports were needed even on that short pleasure cruise, as the ship stops at Tallinn for a short while. So neither I nor Anni nor Sanna had passports with us (I don't even have a passport at the moment, as the old one has expired, and I haven't needed to get a new one) and were left on shore. We decided to console ourselves by going to see Chicago with Jukka (who was also supposed to go, but didn't, because of a strange chain of coincidences) and Spider, and then by having a few ciders at Kaisla. Despite not drinking, I got home pretty late and ended up pretty useless.

Today, more uselessness. Went to see the boys at Rax, ended up with both too much food and momentarily too many bloke vibes, left, wandered around at the Academic Bookstore, went to Petikko to find fabrics for cloaks and tunics or robes for Ego and Tiina. We found some lovely stuff for them, but I also need to finish up the tunics and capes for Topi and Heli. And I'm worried because their cape fabrics shrunk a lot in the washing machine, when I coloured them...

Been searching for inspiration in poetry and Kahlil Gibran. Finished nothing. Is this going to work out or not? Am I going to end up breaking? I can't. I can't afford to.

I am not writing about the war, because others do it so much better than I could. Go and read Merten or Janka or Dare or practically anybody. But I did cheer aloud for Michael Moore's acceptance speech at the Oscars (after cheering already for his victory for Bowling for Columbine). Also, Susan Sarandon, who was a presenter and therefore could not say anything openly political, still expressed some wonderful and very emphatical things on the meaning of art for communication and communication for peace...

23 March 03: Mostly Tired

Took last night off to go to the EK party. Had a lot of fun, got a lot of attention for a little servant girl, met some nice old friends after quite a while, listened to fantastic singing from Lyra Livida (Anni has really got them into great shape!), kissed a pretty boy. It was a very successful event, and Lin has good reason to be proud of herself and her team!

So, a satisfying evening. However, despite staying sober and driving home at night, I was exhausted by the party - or caught something, or had my old flu picking up again because of the draft there - and have been mostly useless all day. Not good. Not acceptable.

Well, I'm feeling a little better now, and am planning to work most of the night while following the Oscars part-time.

21 March 03: Toil And Trouble

(Noon) Work, work, work. Slept most of yesterday evening, exhausted. Feeling distinctly more energetic today. The group file for the Knights of Cormyr is ready to go, except for a few facts that I need to check with Atte. Then, fine-tune the character histories, half of which are already pretty much in shape.

I might even make it to the EK party for tomorrow evening, if I get to borrow Sif.

(Night) Sent the group files for both Knights and Wizards. Took the evening off to roleplay with the boys at Jonni's place. Was nervous (as I always am about tabletop roleplaying, having done so relatively little of it), but actually ended up having quite a lot of fun.

Now, after all the excitement, I mostly feel physically sick from the adrenalin. And I wonder if I am as transparent and obvious to people around me as I fear I am.

This burning must die down soon. It must, or it'll burn me to ashes.

19 March 03: Hanging In There

Survived, still surviving.

A bit easier today. Spent time with housemates, watched Buffy, wrote for the game, did some more sewing. Sent the first character to a player (she needed it before tomorrow).

In the evening, Anni and Lin left for Lahti and another singing practice, and Paula came over to borrow some costumes - they have some sort of a parody spectacle at Petri's department tomorrow. I hope I find the time to go and see it, but I don't actually expect that to happen. I also rather fear that I won't be able to make it to the EK party on Saturday... should have known there would be too much writing at this time...

Still feel sort of weird - many sorts of weird, really. I wish I had more of life and less of longing, but I don't. This is me, this is it, right now. I just have to try and ignore the discomfort through the next moment, and then the next. Think of something else. Just go on.

But why does desire have to be a physical ache, and why do I have to experience it right now, when I have enough to sort out as it is? This makes me feel stupid and ...I don't know, helpless. And dumb and embarrassed.

18 March 03: Pestered, Or Just A Pest?

Why can't this monster called Desire Leave. Me. ALONE?? It wears me out, right now when I most need all my physical and mental strength.

And there's no option to fail now. None at all. Nor any option to make any noise. I just need to shut up, grin and bear it. And bear it and bear it, until all of this is not only through, but done.

I must be nuts. How could I possibly accomplish anything under this stress, when I can't accomplish anything at all in general?

I just can't drop this now. I don't even want to. I want to see it through. But the monster really is a bother.

17 March 03: Cranky

Not happy. Stressed about setting down the character files. Feeling neglected as a participant of the game project. Angry and irritated and headachy.

The sixth season of Buffy helps a little. The musical episode helped a lot, but only momentarily. Ranting about my feelings to some people helped a bit, for a longer run (I hope).

Bursting with words and emotions and too irritated to get them out; too uncertain to decide which should be let out and which shouldn't. Don't want to get into any of it now. Don't want to admit to specific weaknesses.

Going to substitute tomorrow.