|
You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
26 May 05: Ill, Weak At least part of last week's exhaustion turned out to be because of a flu that hit on the weekend (or it might have been some other sort of small-ish virus - got fever and aches and tiredness but not much goop in the throat). It took my last legs and prevented me from going to that anime-schoolgirl game that I had so looked forward to, and it has tied me to sleep to most of this week. I'm aching all over from all that lying down. Time to do something about it, but so far I haven't managed to manifest the energy. And I've been eating, eating, eating. Not good. Not. Good. No, the instep has not healed yet, either. It's fine most of the time by now, but I can still find the sore parts, and it starts reminding me of itself even on the short trip to the grocery store - not much, but even so. Haven't got therapy this week; my therapist is still in the process of moving. Well, hopefully last week's lesson will have sunk home by next week, and I'll be able to not miss appointments any more. Hopefully. I'm desperate for human contact, but too out of sorts to be able to ask friends to come on over (I mean, I want them to, I just can't get myself asking). 20 May 05: The Other Mountains This is not working. No matter what I try to correct my timetables, at least to get to therapy sessions, it doesn't work. I won't go through with it; I manage to sabotage my own well-meaning attempts. I am too afraid of getting better. So afraid that when things might seem to be getting easier, I can't face it and get worse again. Why? Not because it wouldn't be nice to have more energy and be thinner and healthier and stuff - but because it would mean having to face the world and its demands. I'm sure this is not the first time I state this - but I didn't realise it goes so deep that even when other things become easier; even when some traumas fall away; this basic fear still stays, as heavy and icy and paralysing as before. Now what do I do? 17 May 05: Happy Birthday, Bro! It was my brother's birthday today. I'm so out of calendar that Mom had to remind me - it's not that I wouldn't know he was born on the 17th of May, but I can't keep up with remembering it was the 17th of May now. Typically, he was on his way to something work (ie. folk music) related. Well, we'll have to catch up later, and I'll have to try and duplicate that serendipitous cake from Mother's Day. Or something. I couldn't stay awake this morning, either, no matter how I thought I was on top of things and dealing. However, I called Liisa in the evening, and she was very understanding - actually, she said she had feared an even worse backlash when she hadn't heard from me, but the truth is, if I really felt miserable enough for terminal solutions these days, I would definitely call her first. And I'm not, anyway. It's this horrible drifting between functional and dys- that just goes on and on that is the worst part of it all. However, I had a talk with Mom over the phone and agreed to go there to work on sewing again, tomorrow, so I won't have a chance to go to sleep in the morning or at any time before evening. Hope that will help solve this problem of timetables. The sleep period was one of the vivid-dreamed sort. It's fading by now, but I remember a few fantastic moments of being able to fly properly - of throwing oneself to air and just expecting it to carry... and it did. Also, various adventures with family and several puppies in a spaceship, and lots or roleplayers in a castle. And more flying. Lovely. Not all of it, but enough. I've been enjoying a huge trip to nostalgia, watching the classic mini-series "Shogun", on loan from Ari. I was quite small when it was shown for the first time, and I was completely enchanted with Mariko, the heroine... I think my fascination with the beauty of Japanese and/or Chinese women (somewhat stronger than my general attraction to women, which is not as equally strong as to men, no matter how PC I'd like to be) must stem from that time. Watching it this time, I was surprised at how much plot there was before the story got to what I remember best - the learning of the Japanese culture. (I may not have seen the first episode or two at all, I think.) It's a bit slow to my taste now, but well worth the re-watch. My favourite fanfic author has written even about my fan favourite, Connor. A long time ago, granted, but still. I'm all depressed about ever being able to write anything, myself. I was reading the blog of a distant acquaintance who enjoys observing people when traveling by bus or otherwise being on the move. His observances were interesting and thoughtful, and it made me wonder why I don't really do that - classic material for writing as it would be. It didn't take much puzzling: I cannot separate myself enough from those observed, and always think more of how they might be observing me, and feeling inadequate under their imagined observation. So I go about trying not to notice them, so there might not be contact, and they'd not show their contempt (somehow that is what teenagers seem to be doing, no matter who they observe, and I find it awfully difficult to disregard) or irritation (the case of so many grown-ups in these parts) or unwanted attention (from scary or needy people). And this is slightly worrisome, of course. 16 May 05: Fighting The Tides Of Night Timetables still shot to h**l. It's far into the morning, again, until I can be bothered to open the casket of words, such dimes and pennies as they are. I've been sleeping days and keeping wakes at nights, despite all attempts to the contrary. Saturday, I got myself up just in time to catch a ride with Suvi to Mirka's place in the country - at five in the afternoon. It was lovely to smell proper country air, and to work in the yard if only for half an hour (and feel it in one's back and arms the next day), and I finally got to see Master and Commander, too. However, I could not sleep much at night, and then when we got home noon-ish the nxt day, naturally was all ready for bed again. And so it goes. Master and Commander was indeed a lovely adventure romp, very well done. I was surprised at how important the young boys were in the story - I had not even realised that it was not only the boys at the masts, but that well-born boys trained to be officers at so young an age. I think it brought the necessary variety of viewpoints to the story. And Russell Crowe was fantastic, as usual. I was a bit worried that the movie would hit too bad at that inexplicable phobia of mine of shipwrecks and the like, but it didn't, thankfully. Some parts were a bit difficult, but it got no worse than shivers that could be suppressed. Mirka and Antti had another friend visiting, and I was a bit uncomfortable, because years ago I learned to think of this person as someone whose philosophy was... evil? I guess would be the closest word I can think of. Well, years have passed, and someone I like clearly considers him a nice person, and now I mostly wonder how he may remember me, from the time I was with Tommi... 'cause if I saw him misrepresented, then probably he saw me quite differently from what I am now, too. I don't know. These people things are difficult, and I never know how to deal with them, particularly with just remote acquaintances with whom one nevertheless wishes to stay in amicable relations. Apropos people things - Mirka nearly talked me into going on a date of her fixing. I just... well, have never done stuff like that. Have never met anyone for the first time for the purpose of seeing if they might be potential Somethings. Yes, you probably say it's high time, then - but how do I know if I can even get interested in someone I don't already have a framework for; haven't already painted into the walls of my mind's castle? Guh, that sounds too poetic. I mean: I need to be able to form a picture of a person before I can even consider them romantically, or even physically. I have never been able to interest myself in anyone I met at a restaurant, for example, and I wouldn't, even for a double of Orlando Bloom or that gorgeous French guy in that soap I've gushed about (unless it were one of them, in person: for a celebrity I'd have at least some framework). A friend's party might be just in the realm of possibility. So: I don't know what to do, and feel awfully self-conscious about it. It probably wouldn't amount to anything anyway: my self-image has gone down to the depths after Vappu, again. It shouldn't have, naturally: one shouldn't let one person's disinterest have such an effect. It screams about the rhino of "läheisriippuvuus" to anyone within sight, and people like that are to be avoided, of course. If you want people, people don't want you. Isn't that how it is? I think last week's missed therapy appointments might have been an attempt not to have to tell Liisa that I'm not doing great and positive after all, as I thought I was after Pelageya. That all the great and positive crumbled like cookies right when I heard I wasn't desirable after all, and so wasn't real progress, in the end, like I had thought. I hope after admitting this I can stop avoiding it tomorrow. A Certain Someone of the past keeps trying to push the buttons of his disapproval that do not exist in me any more. I don't appreciate it. I think I have to have that talk to clear things properly, but I'm wary of having those old buttons scratched open. Not really expecting that to happen, but definitely not wanting to take the chance either. Still waiting for the instep to heal properly. 13 May 05: Pushing Through Good grief, that was difficult - but now it's done! I promised to make hoods for both Ari and Mikis a long time ago as presents, and now Mikis asked if he could have it for a game this weekend. He asked in good time - last week - and I promised to deliver, as it doesn't actually take more than three hours, tops, to make a lined hood (two, if luck is with the sewer, which it wasn't this time). However, this week being what it was, I just couldn't... get... doing. Either I was asleep or too tired to do anything, or just something - meaning I was generally paralysed about my sewing again. I had gone through my fabric piles and got stuck on the choosing stage... but tonight, finally, I shook myself hard enough and did it. I feel so much better now. And I want to make more pretty things! 12 May 05: Too Much To Ask Didn't work. Was too useless; tried to get up and get going, but was just too slow and dull. Finally managed to make it to meet Lissu and go to see The Merchant of Venice. It was awesome and tragic, if somewhat uneven in tempo (but that's an inherent problem in the play itself). Great acting - Al Pacino is a natural for Shylock, and delivers handsomely; Jeremy Irons is doomed and noble and wonderful; and the actress playing Portia, Lynn Collins, is amazing, and has great chemistry with Nerissa, her maid. I think the movie portrays the ambivalence and tragedy in the setting very well, though in the wake of all that bitterness, the romance ending can't help but feel somewhat trite. Now I have to go and read the original play, to see how much was pared off (as, after all, this one is traditionally classified among the comedies). Had good talks afterwards, too. Lissu helped me clear my mind a bit about this summer's possible project: now I know figuring out my willingness and resources for actually making something that will give me more joy than trouble must be my first priority for the next week or two. I have so many things I'd want to have time for - but also a need to create. Yet even so, first and foremost, a duty to myself to take care of myself. I also did that test that Lin found, on one's worst incarnation, and was Emo Kid. I don't think anyone's surprised at that... but it actually was only by a slight margin in nearly all of the areas. That's a problem I often face with personality tests: I'm too bland to fit well into any extreme. I know I am emotion-driven, and consider art and intuition important, yet hold that emotions must lead into actions only through rational choice, and I have a great need to find reasons and causes; to understand, to puzzle things through. I also believe that science (proper science) is important, too. I tend to be passive and responsive instead of active and driven, but I can be really determined if I believe in the value of something. I am extremely shy of new people and therefore read "introverted" in many tests, yet am extremely extroverted in familiar surroundings. I tend to have a personal vision and opinion, but prefer to follow rather than lead. I crave security, yet originally chose the "soft sciences" for profession. I want to work with my head, but only dare work with my hands. I believe in certain absolutes, but am a liberal individualist in most things; however, definitely not a cultural relativist (I believe right and wrong can be ascertained independently of ciscumstances). I have an instinctive loathing of politics, yet believe we should all take responsibility for common causes and the society. No making sense of that mess, really. Ever the Queen of Fine/No Fine, even now. A Certain Someone of past desire has opened discussions. I am still thinking on it, and thinking hard. He seems to have received my negative appraisal of his being in the autumn and taken insult, which I guess is fair enough. One might. However, I am not willing to take back my words. It is a fact that he does not deal fairly with me, or well. He is not on my side, so to speak, and that has also been shown clearly (and reinforced in his comments now). So what should I do? Is there more sense to peace, if it is still clear that we live in different worlds on our opinions of what happened last summer and who should apologize to whom? Is it worth the price of one's pride? I don't yet know. A frank discussion on points of view might help, but I am not sure if that is the case, and am loathe to go through the emotional expense if it turns out not. I will have to think some more. No, he is pretty much out of from under my skin by now - but I am trying to cut down on antagonism with people. And there are mutual friends to consider. I want to go to this game in Estonia, but it's again on top of something else. It's hard to compromise between games and SCA. Not to mention familial and other social obligations: I have sort of promised to go to the Prauda- Raesalmi family gathering at the beginning of July, but I'd have several more pleasant uses for the weekend in store. Don't know yet. Have to make a choice there, too. Choices, choices. I hate choices. Shouldn't say that, I guess - should be happy that there are choices at all. I just tend to get paralyzed, trying to choose right. As if it mattered so much, every time. As if every choice was all the world's balance on me. It's an admirable sentiment, but one can't live like that without going crazy. As has been amply proven, here as well as elsewhere. 11 May 05: Determined Attempt It's four am, and I'm in the middle of yet another try of staying up all night to get my daily cycle back on track. So if you read this in the morning, particularly around eleven, feel free to call my phone and irritate me out of the slumber I know will eventually win with its lure. I probably won't answer, but you'll have done a good deed even so (actually, if I answer in a seemingly - soundingly? - chipper voice, that's a bad sign, 'cause it means I just want to get back to sleep right after). But actually, you won't have to: this time I'll succeed. I've been surfing among fanfiction - probably too long, again. I really need to get back to that thing of going to Kerava to work under Mom's watchful eye. Otherwise I'll just hang around online all day long. But after such a good start it all got wonky, when Grandma came to visit, and one didn't want to bother them too much. I finished a surprisingly simple Cherryh book, Exile's Gate. Liked it a lot, though somewhat as a guilty pleasure... It had a mysterious heroine With a Purpose and her faithful sidekick who was naturally head over heels in love with her, and lots of angsty emotion on loyalties and necessities, and I just adored wallowing in it. In other news (for those who don't already follow the webcomic PVP, as I don't), the ever-delightful Making Light found and named an Epochal Geekshift. So sadly true. Now just to see if the distribution companies have any idea of anything at all and get Serenity into theatres here... 10 May 05: Surgical Direction of Reserves The weekend went down from a nice Friday: Mother's Day ate my strength both before and after, it seems. I slept until afternoon on Saturday; made it quite nicely on Sunday and baked a lovely chocolate torte (the sort of serendipitous coming-together-of-scrounged-ingredients that sometimes happens), and a good time was had by all. On Monday, I slept until eight pm. You see, I didn't have any present made for Mom, and I know I should have. I should have. I mean, what's all this handicrafts skill for if I can't even put it to use on important holidays? Nothing. No worth at all, because clearly I didn't care enough to make something nice for Mom. Clearly. (But I wasn't able to come up with a good idea for one! I honestly wasn't...) And now I just have to come through that failure, as well, and move on. Didn't work today yet; maybe it'll work tomorrow. Or the day after. Finally watched Kill Bill, both volumes. It's gorgeous and skillful and innovative and it was really difficult not to like, so I almost did. But I still have this basic hatred of Tarantino and the ballets of blood, because I just wish we could grow out of that mentality. That violence is cool and that revenge is a valid reason. For anything. And it nearly makes me start crying right here that some more people will think me stupid for feeling like this. ...Oh yes, and finally, again, I started having dreams that were worth all the sleep. I'm not the craziest Harry Potter fan, but being able to believe for a while that I actually was visiting Hogwarts was undeniably cool. (As usual, it started with something closer to reality: visiting the film set, then slowly shifting it into a huge larp, then into actual fact. There was this time when I had been given a visitor's room and a bed, and it seemed I woke up from a dream and was still there, so it had to be real... Now, of course, the feeling is mixed with the earlier parts that were about fitting into the groups of student extras and being obviously too old - just like those dreams about being back in highschool...) (Night) It's that time again, with the lazy but ceaseless birdsong all through the night. Being lost in a magic land, but seeing nothing. Just... longing. And, for a heartbeat, perfectly content so. Just for this heartbeat. Knowing that the next will be filled with restless need, but only the next. And perhaps it will be good, then, so, if it makes one do something, create something, anything. For now: the waiting. 06 May 05: I Need House-elves Why can't costumes just magically appear after I've perfected the plan and drawn the sketch? Can I be Karl Lagerfeld, please? Or preferably, as I don't want to be a man, can I have a few of those mysterious little men who dance in at night and sew my costumes for me? (Or was it only shoes they do?) They could also clean the house while they are at it. And tame the garden, particularly the briar that is rather nice as such but is imitating the Cthulhu-gened One in its growth... Oh, and do some baking on their way out, also. I've been reading this year's Nebula nominees (a bit in retrospect, but it's not the award, it's the availability...). Some of them were... underwhelming to say the least. Maybe I just didn't catch the subtleties. Or something. Science fiction short story is an odd form of fiction anyway, though interesting enough for that. Usually. Heli visited and brought food, which I cooked, and then we were good girls and did lots of sewing. I was planning to watch a movie or two, but instead went to sauna and then got stuck, when I finally found pictures from Costume-con 23 (which was held a week ago; impatient little me, I know). I want to see The Merchant of Venice. 05 May 05: It's Not My Fault Moira put me up to this. Bad, bad Moira: I don't take part in memes and stuff, remember? But since it's one of My People, I can hardly be a spoilsport. So: You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be? The point of this question eludes me. Why does it matter that I'm supposed to be inside F.451? Should I name a book that doesn't deserve to be burned, or one that might just as well (not that books should be burned in any case!)? Anyway, I'd probably want to be T.S.Eliot's Four Quartets, simply because. (EDIT: It took Anni to remind me that in that book, humans are supposed to save books by learning them by heart one by one, "being" that book. Been too long. In that case I would most definitely be Four Quartets. Or, if there was too much competition for that, then save Eino Leino's Helkavirsiä, both parts.) Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Ooohyeah. I wrote about this some time ago... lemmesee... 05 May 03 (that long ago? now I'm scared). My first crush ever was fictional: Alix of the comic series of the same name. My hugest crush ever was fictional: Luke Skywalker (and remember, I just read the books at first, as the movies were not showing at that time!). And my most enduring crush, too: Frodo. And there have been others, though not so many lately. The last book you finished is? John Varley: Wizard. Classic science fiction borrowed from Ebu. What are you currently reading? John Varley: Demon. Conclusion to the same trilogy, begun with Titan. Colourful and wild and - by now - slightly campy, but entertaining nonetheless. Five books you would take to a deserted island? This is always an impossible choice. And how could you ever manage with
just five books? I think I'll start with Moira's wise example and pick
a couple I haven't read: Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why? Don't wanna. 'Cause I don't take part in these? But... ah well, remember you put me up to this, Moira? So. I choose Mirka, because I don't yet know her taste and am curious, Vera, because I'm sure she's going to come up with a whole different list, and Irrette, because I want her to update again (though she'll probably hate me for this). 03 May 05: Shielding There are times one doesn't want to share. At all. Simply because of pride. So: let me emphasize that the Sunday party was altogether lovely, and I have no other complaint about my weekend (well, except, maybe... a small one about not being invited to... well, whatever; I wasn't, so...). However, a friend chose that as a time to call and tell me that my crush was absolutely not reciprocated. Fine, I guess it was better to know. I suppose. Now I've said it, so truth won over pride. And no matter how carefully I had shielded myself with claims of how positive it was just to feel anything, and how I had no plans on this anyway, and how it actually wasn't that serious, it stings. I guess I should have learned that it always does. And learned not to let my emotions out of rein, not even a little bit. Because now I feel stupid and worthless again. So nothing has changed, after all. 01 May 05: The Same Old Songs One thinks one is so smart, learning to protect yourself, not committing too much emotionally, and particularly not committing into something in front of which one is too vulnerable. And then it wounds you all the same. Was okay, eating with Mom&co yesterday. Was a bit down about being home at night, after all. As a result, didn't manage to wake up and go to Kaivopuisto to meet P&P. Was slow and cranky, but finally made it to Rami's party, sharing the car. It was nice to see friends, to be social, all that. Drove some people home and then got home myself. Trying not to worry about an ill-timed piece of information; not very successful. One thinks one is so special. Yeah, right. Just how long do I have to keep learning this stupid humility?? I have a splitting - sickening - headache. What good was it being sober the whole Vappu if all I get is the same headache I'd get anyway? |