30 May 06: Intense Reactions

Went to meet nice social services girl, who turned out to be not-so-nice in the sense that she said I can't get the support for this month, as it's already almost past and there's no good reason for giving me money afterwards. Which she really could have told me when I called two weeks ago to get back in track and ask for another appointment, so I could have put in the application then and not wait until meeting her, thinking this was the way it was done! (The housing support is given from the beginning of the month of your application, no matter the day of the month, and I thought this was that way, too.) Well, I will be able to apply for the basic unemployment support for the past two months (because of the job rehabilitation survey) - except that if I do that, and get the money maybe this or next month, my basic social support for these months will be subtracted from it, even though they are for different months. All that matters is that I got some money from somewhere, no matter all the unpaid bills and stuff...

Otherwise, the meeting served to remind myself of the progress I've made in the past month, which was good. (Maybe too good. Maybe if I had been pitiful and weepy, she might have relented on the money issue, seeing how I really wasn't that okay yet, and really actually could not make it to her earlier appointment and therefore could not take care of the application then... But this happened to be a very good day, recovery-wise.)

Anyway, I did not let the unexpected money complications get me down, and made it to today's Firefly RPG session (finally getting to try a ride in Ebu's indescribably cool convertible Mini). And what a session! If the one before was intense, because it was hard work for the brain, constantly striving to play to the character's strengths - of negotiation, diplomacy, conversation, compassion - this one was intense, because things just happened. Horrible things. As horrible as it can get in the 'Verse. Yes, them. Yes, all of us survived, but only barely, and only with outside help. And so though for the player - me - having to simply react to things was somewhat easier, for the character it was a nightmare trip through her greatest weaknesses: fear for her child, relative helplessness in combat, actual helplessness brought on by circumstances, encountering the horrendously, unthinkably ugly, twisted, uncontrolled and uncontrollable...

It was intense, and seriously scary, and great! I feel I'm finally beginning to figure out this tabletop gig, and how it makes one tick.

For the pleasant memory of Monday's romantic dreams, I went and found a POTC2 wallpaper of Orlando B. It will make me smile for a while. (Dreams of acceptance are just as good as dreams of erotica, or even better, but dreams of romance are absolutely the best. How boring! And mundane! But that's how it is, and I wouldn't give them away. No, I'll hang on to them tight, and keep my good feelings, even if illusory, even if transitory.) (Not that I actually think of Mr. Bloom as any sort of ideal man, really - yes, he's just about as pretty as they get, but seems to be a rather unintellectual sort. Which is fine as such, but probably not something I'd find attractive in real life... But a dream, a moment of romance, doesn't need intellectual conversation to make one feel warm and lovely and proud.)

29 May 06: It's A Train, Not Daylight

...Or that is what the consulting psychiatrist last Tuesday seems to have said. He was pleasant, thorough and respectable, and he seemed to think that I'm a lifelong screwup who may or may not get better, no matter what help she gets (not that he expected there to be much more help to be had any more than I do). And since then I've been pretty much unable to form words. Liisa always maintained that I've just had a very long depression, and that life is just beginning for me, and we can get to that life working in the end. But there's no more to be got from that direction, and here I am. A screwup. Who just needs to pull together, 'cause this is it.

A screwup. A chronic screwup, and I use the adjective in its literal, medical sense.

Well, screwup or no, this week's schedule is pretty set: besides meetings (social services on Tuesday, final meeting on rehabilitation survey on Wednesday), full (HUGE) spring cleaning and finishing - finally - Tomi's renaissance ensemble. Neither can be botched.

But then there's the dance issue...

Had Dreams with a capital D, again. A LARP with all gender assumptions switched (except people were on unclear on how it actually worked and which things we specifically had to switch in language, behaviour etc.), a criminal-but-classy underworld, lots of high emotions and Orlando Bloom. But, of course, this being me, it all ended unhappily.

(Later) Wow! Not Before Sundown by Johanna Sinisalo is going to be made into a movie. That is seriously cool. Congratulations!

Now that I got the earlier off my chest, then went to send Dad a birthday card and actually got it sent (and when was the last time I got a card to anyone, for any reason??), and came home by the library (dutifully glancing through "Elle" in Swedish and "Marie Claire" in French, for which another yay me) and the grocery store (managing to buy healthy food instead of comfort crap, for a third yay!), and enjoyed the unexpectedly lovely weather and the lilacs just beginning to bloom, I feel much better. Screw the psychiatrist! I'm already so much more functional, and my mood is so much better, than I was a year ago, or two, so I'm not going to accept that this upwards road couldn't continue. And I'm going to find and get just as much help as is needed, and remember that I've been ill, not just lazy and stupid and unwilling to try. And maybe the psychiatrist's written evaluation says something quite different - after all, I haven't seen it yet.

23 May 06: A Nation of Upper-users

The flu does not seem to be of a serious sort; probably an old strain I've already had. Just feeling kind of woolly today, and headachy - but that's probably because of caffeine withdrawal, as I drank far too much of the stuff during the weekend.

I can't help wondering how self-evident coffee is in our society, even in places that should be health-conscious, like the place I've been going to for the rehabilitation survey. I mean, simply by personal experience one can tell it's quite a strong stimulant, heavily addictive and with painful withdrawal symptoms; and not good for the body either (at least for blood pressure and for bone density, and probably a couple of other things, too). And yet no-one pays attention to this?

Anyway, I forgot to mention that I got myself to call the social services person on Friday, despite everything, and have an appointment next week.

22 May 06: Weekend Summary

Spent the whole weekend in Turku; got to stay with Miri, whom I hardly knew before but who turned out to be incredibly generous and nice. Had fun in the game (even if it didn't go quite as planned; I wasn't one of the worst sufferers and quite enjoyed myself). Now have bag full of wet, dirty fineries. Saw Tonja and lots of art on Sunday, then fell asleep instead of going to see movies and more people, as probably caught flu. Today morning, got ride home with Dad again, tried to stay awake through a visit to some relatives of Satu's, was increasingly miserable. Now just want to fall into bed and be rid of this damn thing, whatever it is (and pray it isn't another bout of The Real Thing). Pretty good weekend until the illness caught.

18 May 06: Scatterbrained

I don't know what I've been thinking with the dates in the last entries (and I have no idea what month might be called "Web" - September maybe, for wet, sparkling spiderwebs in the morning). Anyway, fixed now.

This week has been better, more energetic, almost hopeful. Yesterday and today in the survey program have felt surprisingly productive, and I've even managed to get back to the sewing. Also, it feels good to be going to a LARP on Saturday, now that I got my timetables and accommodations working (getting a free ride with Dad tomorrow, so needed a place to stay Fri-Sat). It doesn't hurt that it's old-fashioned heroic fantasy in the woods...

However, I don't know what to wear. Not because I wouldn't have anything - as I thought earlier in the day - but because I have far too many options! Once I dug into my closets, I realised I had stuff for at least three or four completely different outfits, none of them clearly above the rest, all of them distinct from one another! It's obvious that I've let myself slide from my solemn promises in the autumn (remember, when I was in the exact same position before Mike's space game?)... I really, really should try and empty the sewing room a little! And first and foremost, stop adding to it, no matter how great the catch!

Oh. Oh. I just saw in my head the sleeves I am going to add to the brown, half-cut Italian - which also takes care of one pretty piece of brocade. The thing is, I won't need (or wear) that dress anywhere (I already have plans and fabrics for three - or possibly two, but maybe even three - Italian Ren dresses, and it's not even my period! Besides, how many dresses does one need for use maybe four times a year??). This is skirting on fabric addiction. Must... Stop...

Of course, it would help enormously to get all those half-finished dresses for others off my hands (and thus out of the sewing room).

The summer seems to be filling with activity, after all. And it doesn't feel too hard; I feel energized - I suppose somewhat like one is supposed to feel about hobbies. And at least one person in the survey staff thought I will be a certain admittee to the study completion program in the autumn.

15 May 06: Shoulder Issues

Had an appointment with the physiotherapist today, and it was unexpectedly illuminating. I knew my neck and shoulder muscles were in bad shape, but I didn't know how bad exactly: my fist-squeeze score was lower than anything in a survey in my age group, and particularly low in my left (suppsoedly dominant!) hand! But not to worry: I got a detailed illustration of exactly how, probably why, and delightfully practical ways of improving the situation. And shoulders were not the only problem targeted, but thighs as well (from sitting unevenly, which I'd never paid any thought to). Will go and get the broken floormop handle from the bathroom corner right now, for stick stretches! And put up the instructions right next to the monitor...

Also very good that I got myself up and going despite too short sleep and lots of hurry. Not giving in is always a plus.

14 May 06: Migraine Dreams

It took lots of sleep to get rid of the misery, which, apparently, resulted in a terrifying first feature in the triple-film extravaganza at the theatre of dreams. I don't even want to go back there - it should be enough to say that people kept changing into evil zombies because of something quite innocuous that I knew for the reason, but no-one believed me! The relief was felt even through the dream when the long story turned from reality into a LARP, though lots of pretend and not-so-pretend hijinks still ensued.

But the next stories, again, more than made up for it. Not one, but two completely different versions of the discovery that someone I was interested in returned the interest, after all. (Yes, it was someone I've talked about in this diary, but we need not go there further - it didn't come to be, and that's that. But oh, the dreams were glorious! Again, it's not that anything particularly spectacular happened: it was the acceptance that mattered. The acceptance...)

(Night) I've spent all day trying to get a few simple scenes described in my own tongue, and it's gone poorly. Still going poorly. I've got to stop this half-assed half-languages pretense.

And the headache's back, though this time without the nausea, mercifully. (Technically, I don't suppose it can be said to be back, in this case, as if there's no connected nausea, it's not the same thing I had last night. Not that the headache's any riot either.)

Began watching "Jeeves & Wooster", found it rather slower than remembered, but maybe I'll get in the mood along the ride. Stephen Fry is too sexy for words (an ordinary mortal's words, that is - as anyone half-cultured knows, he himself is never word-less, which of course is half of his incredible attraction, Jeeves being most of the other half). One of the greatests losses for womankind ever...

The Voice hasn't played anything good all night, and now it's giving me what I don't want but can't help reacting to ("Everything Burns", and I'm not going to hear any talk about my taste, thank you).

13 May 06: Different Sorts Of Social

Still haven't got any cleaning done. Have, however, spent time with friends and been through a long Firefly session that consisted almost completely of negotiations, both within the group and without. It was exhausting but oddly satisfying - there's a definite sense of accomplishment, having been able to see it all through. Also, the idea of taking along sewing works wonderfully: I get things done, and don't feel so fidgety physically.

Got the complete "Jeeves & Wooster" series on loan. Woo! Also another Cirque du Soleil video, one which I haven't seen. Double woo!

(And yet... now, a bit after I finally got home, I am feeling acutely unhappy, ready to burst into tears for any reason, and with a burning migraine. Feeling no good for anything, anywhere, ever, as well as ill and miserable. Backlash, or just another proof that even a positive experience or two cannot be enough? Don't know. Don't want to think. Hurts.)

11 May 06: ...But Don't Always Chafe As Much

The sky is navy with a slight green tint, and there is an odd cruciform halo around the moon, just a hair's breath off full. It feels even colder than it is, because green is supposed to read summer, and when the reading is off, the green itself takes on an icy sharpness. Even so, though I loathe cold with all my being, I felt alive tonight.

Didn't get to start the cleaning today, as slept too long - with no good excuse this time - and then had to go to town for a meeting, which turned out well and quite inspiring. Then did some shopping (and a long phonecall, very pleasant) and got a hold of Laura for a cuppa and some catching up. Could have accomplished more actual stuff, but even so, not altogether un-productive.

And it's always great to realise I'm not alone in thinking certain things about art, entertainment, or games...

10 May 06: The Hooks Are Set Deep

I try to stay open-minded and positive about this rehabilitation survey thingy, but it's hard. I couldn't get myself to the physical test - I just couldn't. I know quite well I'm not in a good shape; I know exactly what sorts of things to do about it; and no matter what they might register in their systems, they couldn't give me money for dance exercise. Or any exercise, really. So...

And the tests to measure my "level of work readiness" were stupid and irrelevant. I had to do another version of an announcement paper with Word, and a PowerPoint show (which, having never used PowerPoint, I was in no way prepared to manage in two hours). How are those supposed to measure my ability to teach or to translate? And it's bloody unfair to make assumptions of my interpersonal skills in normal work from a test situation, considering my phobia of being judged.

Anyway. I wailed about all this to the nurse who answered when I phoned about missing today's physical test, and she said she would ask my doctor to call me tomorrow to talk about the situation in general. I just hope they won't tell me that I'm in too bad a shape for job rehabilitation, because they're my absolute last chance.

And anyway, I have a couple of days off from that now, and hope to do some proper spring cleaning (there's simply no putting it off any longer). And go to town to take care of some only mildly scary stuff. I got myself off my butt and visiting Mom before they leave for their trip to Germany tomorrow, and she cut my hair, emptied their fridge for me, and piled some more useful clothes on me. Last Sunday, I came home with some creams and lipsticks and things, so I'm rather well stocked now. And getting moving was the best thing, really.

I had a big revelation about the Food Thing a while ago, but have been putting off writing about it. Still not ready. But soon.

Read the first Culture book by Banks, Consider Phlebas. Realised had missed it completely when reading the rest. It was much less comforting than the others, which probably makes it a better, more significant book, but not nearly as much fun to read. It left me feeling rather nauseated. Now re-reading The Player of Games, which I've forgot almost completely, but then I've promised myself to tackle something new again.

06 May 06: Friends Are A Good Thing

They don't let one give in to party panic and stay home. Which is good.

They also loan one cars, which is also good, for getting to those parties.

Slept for twenty-four hours, with only one short break. Probably was something I needed, so no worries there. Tomorrow, going to go and learn to make medieval stockings (though I actually need full tights, really, for dancing, so I'll probably just watch, copy the pattern and then start experimenting at home).

Also good: being obligated to walk the dog. High time to get back to that habit, really.

05 May 06: Lab Rat

Been busy answering questionnaires and all that stuff. Hate the simplification they force on one. Psychologist yesterday seemed okay. Haven't slept nearly enough, so must crash just about now.

Still very unclear on what to wear to tomorrow's fancy dress party, and on how to fit two parties into the timetable anyway.

03 May 06: Well, At least Got Started

Went there. Had some mixups, but most worked out okay. We'll see. The doctor was quick to point out that this is job-related rehabilitation, so may not turn out that useful. The survey's only started anyway, so will have to wait for anything conclusive for a couple of weeks.

Was scared of being in a place where there are lots of people who all know that there's something wrong with me - or I wouldn't be there - and may wonder what it is and classify me as a lower life form. However, after lunch and coffee decided it was bearable.

Went to town, wandered around a bit. Spent some time on the phone, visited Spider&co. and marveled at the black hole that is WoW. More convinced than ever that it was wise never to start any sort of computer games more complex than Tetris... I mean, I have too little time even now when I'm doing practically nothing, and moan the day when I must put aside books for work, so a game that tends to take up more hours per week than that mythical regular work seems rather terrifying to me...

02 May 06: If I Were A Culture Ship...

...I tried picking a Culture ship name for myself - always a fun exercise - but the problem is, I wouldn't be a Culture ship. At least not one with any resemblance to the personality I am right now. I would have been sent for total mind readjustment ages ago.

My rehabilitation survey is beginning, and I'm in a state of howling terror of trying to explain everything again to new people... to convince them that I need help, considering that I'm still like this and all possible help has already been given... They will not see it, they will think I'm just a lazy liar, just a useless nothing willing to blame others for my own non-trying, they will tell me nicely that there's not anything they can recommend any more... that I just have to stop being such a weakling all by myself... They will reject me!

I'm no good. I'm still no good. And I'm so afraid.

01 May 06: A Medieval May Day

Went to the event. Felt generally more at home than before, and the Minister of Arts and Sciences had some very kind words about my costuming overview lecture. And I even remembered to buy some snacks to share, which was good (not always just being invited to share other people's). But then... then I got accidentally drunk, badly, just like those other horrible times that luckily haven't been that common, and behaved very stupidly, I fear. My memory's gone for the end of the night, but even before that I can remember babbling about a lot of rather private stuff to people I don't know that well, or who didn't need to know for other reasons (because they may tell certain other people, mainly). And I lost all of Sunday except for the late-night feast - all day activities, and even court! - to hangover and shame.

I really, really don't like this. I didn't even plan to get even comfortably drunk, just have a bit of cider and a bit of wine, no more than to get slightly tipsy. But since I drink so seldom, my tolerance is very low - and it's naturally awfully low anyway - and the worst part is, any sense of control goes first. As friends may remember, I had a couple of years where I stayed completely off any alcohol, ever, just because of this, but I thought that by now I would have learned. Apparently not.

Though actually, the loss of control is not the worst part. It's the first defining problem. But the second, the thing that really makes it bad is that when drunk, I start saying and doing things I wouldn't dream of doing when sober - things I don't even believe or opinions I don't even hold! I have no idea where they come from! It's like I disappear and this terrible doppelganger, this evil twin, takes over. I'm not saying this to deny responsibility - after all, it's me that drank like that; that wasn't careful even though I know I might not be able to control the amount - but because it is what has happened every single one of the rare times I've lost it in the past several years, and it scares me to death. I don't want to do or say those things; I don't want to be that person. Not ever. Not even if it's only once in a couple of years.

So it's back to fruit juice for me. I would like to be able to drink moderately at the rare times I do drink, but since I haven't learned that by now, I don't think it's ever going to happen. And I don't want to meet the evil twin again, ever ever ever.

Why can't I ever have anything to work? I thought this SCA thing was starting to work, to feel good, but after this... I don't know.