You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

31 May 03: Sewing Club

Spent an enjoyable evening with Irrette, who has revently moved back to Helsinki and was presently recovering from a severe bout of flu. Tested the sauna in her apartment building. Had many cups of tea. Chatted while sewing busily. Got to talking about costumes, and Irrette simply had to organize all her fabrics to find something for her dancing costume for Rollin' Moose, so could start helping her with it. Not to mention that she took up an old tablet weave ribbon while I sewed.

Perhaps might have a future in a job as a cause of work in others. I was simply there, and work happened around me. Cool, eh?

Got "Robin of Sherwood" the series to watch. Even cooler. Arctic, I might say.

Was so glad to talk to Irrette after such a long while. The Oriental cats still look like alien lifeforms, though. Cute alien lifeforms, but alien lifeforms nevertheless.

Feeling better about all the myriad sewing projects. And other projects, too. Besides, got a very nice photo of myself as Caladnei in Faerun III, courtesy of Hanna Hakko and Valtteri Saad. Never mind that I look like I have no hands and that my staff lacks the crystal at the top... before this, I had no pictures of myself from the game at all. Valtteri promised to put up other pics from it as well.

Want to go to ballet classes again. Waaahh...

As a sidenote - the cosmetics I thought I'd lost turned out to have fallen on the floor in the car, so they're safely home, and my wrinkle-panic is under control again.

30 May 03: Friends In Need, Family In Heart

This day was not much better. I woke up alone in the house a little before three p.m. after highly exotic, confusing, and vivid dreams that still stay at the back of my eyes. The girls who were going to come and look at some of the costumes I'm selling didn't call. I watched TV or surfed most of the day.

However, in the evening, when I was bursting with the need to see someone, anyone, and talk, Kalle came home from roleplaying, and I practically forced him to sit down in the kitchen with a cup of tea and listen to my ranting. And it actually helped. It really did.

And last night, after the day's entry, Paula called and listened to me crying pitifully on the phone until I was tired enough to fall asleep. I know she would do exactly as she said - give the shirt off her back if it could help me. If.

I love you guys. I really, actually do.

I've decided that I am going to Estonia for a LARP in July, whether anyone agrees to go with me or not. Making a decision of that size, even in connection with something altogether voluntary and unnecessary, actually makes me feel a bit more alive as well.

And just in case some of my readers have not yet checked on the list of costumes and clothes I'm selling, it's here.

29 May 03: Worse

I woke up at twenty to five p.m. today. This is not good. This is really far from the land of goodness. Really, really far.

I'm trying to sell some larp clothes, but I guess I don't know how to advertise right.

I'm just tired, tired and tired.

Had another one of those dreams where I'm lost, broke and half-naked somewhere that is vaguely familiar but where I still can't find shelter, meaning or even decent covering for myself. And where I could almost fly, but not really, in the end.

I hate this. I don't want it to be like this.

28 May: Swinging up, swinging down

Yesterday was energy day; today, back to apathy.

And actual paralysis, when it comes to writing.

Later What am I doing wrong now? Taking too long to get better? Expecting friendship when there's actually just worry and charity? Nobody I thought were really those friends want to take me in their groups, anyway.

Nobody wants my company.

And I'm too tired to move.

...I don't think this brand of medication can be working, not even with the incresed dosage (which I've been eating for a month already), if I still keep on thinking about hurting myself...?

And, just as a reminder: I do think about other things besides myself. I read, I watch TV, I read stuff on the net, I read web diaries and blogs, I try to keep talking to people... It's not lack of thinking that stops me from writing about stuff, it's lack of energy. And all the dark slopes of the mountains of fear: fear of not arguing well, fear of not being interesting, fear of not being worth anything with words. Fear of being stupid or talentless or both.

Fear.

26 May: Actually In Action

Have slept badly because of unavailability of bed. However, today was such a fantastic summer day that I even put my nose out of the door and sat on the front steps with Lin, sewing for a couple of hours. Then I went on to do some garden work, of which I am moderately proud (only moderately, as I still get tired all too soon), a lot of cooking (extraordinary!) and even a trip to the grocery store. I seem to be a bit closer to rejoining the human race, once more.

Lots of sewing, even more sewing plans.

Tomorrow, last therapy session before summer holidays.

It is so beautiful out there now, and so warm, even at night... and it smells of rain and moist earth and everything green. I don't know what I want. I want to take Jero for a walk, and yet I don't want to. It would just make me either feel too much or think too much. Either chance is unbearable right now.

I managed to dig a space for myself on the bed, and am hoping to get up in proper time tomorrow. Could get some stuff done.

I seem to have left a bag of cosmetics at "Musta Lippu" - including both of my waterproof mascaras and both my expensive wrinkle lotions with cloudberry seed oil or whatever. And my pressed powder. And the Joe Blasco concealer. This sucks. I have absolutely no money to replace any of those things for now, nor in the foreseeable future. I guess it means I can't show my face in any public gathering for at least three weeks...

Oh, wait. Heartbreak Hotel is in two weeks. Shit.

(Later) Still can't do writing brainstorming groups, at least not if the group includes someone as opinionated about the uses of language as I am. Just can't deal.

24 May 03: Thinking Of Getting Water

Been apathetic for a few days, but feeling better now. Didn't manage to gather up enough energy to go to the Vampire game, though... Still, did some minimal garden work and went through an enormous amount of fabrics and some larp clothes that a friend wanted to get rid of. Now I've got lots of stuff to make and sell, if anyone's interested.

Was drawn to some sewing by watching Anni work on her current project - which turned out gorgeously. Honestly, I don't know anything that girl can't do once she gets into it!

"Passage" was scary and unpleasant, as one of the main motifs was the Titanic, but also interesting, and ultimately, a little - just a little bit - blah. I probably would have come off it much more satisfied if the Titanic stuff had not bothered me so much. Anyway, a must for those who like Willis, and a good read for others, too.

Must go to sleep; must try and drag oneself to the Puotila Varangian Festival tomorrow.

Must sleep in the video room, as my bed is completely covered with bunches of fabrics.

I'm fat, fat, fat... been doing nothing but reading and eating...

21 May 03: Camping At The Edge

Been reading Connie Willis's "Passage" for most of the day. Passed over a chance to go and see the spring show of the Textile Arts at the University of Industrial Arts to get my Vampire reports in order; managed to procrastinate with them for all evening. Hopeless.

I still want to go to the game... I still want to continue until I'll be able to give my character the sort of ending she deserves... but I'm stuck with not being able to get dressed, prepped and out of the house - I happen to be feeling pretty terrible about my appearance again.

And even the increased dosage of this brand of medication Is. Not. Helping. with the Eating Thing.

At least I really am looking forward to tomorrow's session at the therapist. I'm still steaming with anger and really want to vent some more. How dare she dismiss my ultimate reason for being ill in the first place as if it meant nothing at all? As if I could just suddenly snap my fingers and decide I am not afraid any more? I can't even find words to describe the extent of my fear. I've sometimes said it's so bad that thinking about it chokes. Literally. It still does.

Doesn't she understand? Doesn't she see? And how do I make her see?

I keep being so angry. I wish I could direct that anger outwards and into something useful, but it doesn't seem to work. I am angry at the stupidest reasons.

Well, I'm not going to contemplate any drastic measures until I've finished Willis's fantastic book, that's for certain. Actually, I'm not going to contemplate anything at all, until I've finished it.

I've had some story ideas in the past couple of months, and now they keep floating on the sky of my mind, just a bit out of reach... though maybe not, if only I had the energy to grab them properly. But who am I fooling? I never finish a story, or even get past the beginning, the setting of the stage.

I'm just a stagehand, not a storyteller. Never a real storyteller.

Still, about this one indulgent idea: I remembered how as a child one of my favourite fantasies was of a sort-of Mary Sue detective story... no, not the sort where I was the detective, but the sort where I was the victim, and the murderer was someone I despised in real life, naturally. So they got what they deserved, and of course I was only in a coma and got better in the end. Vain? Definitely. Tempting? Absolutely. I feel like writing one of those might make me feel better at present. It's a nice way to get back at people you can't even point fingers at in reality.

20 May 03: In And Out Of The Desert

Noticed only today that I should have started the second half of the month days ago. Can't be bothered to do that now. Besides, I haven't written that much this month anyway.

Nobody wants to come to our game. Waaah... *pouts*

Had strange and strangely vivid dreams last night. Me and a bunch of others were searching for strange civilizations around this lake that was not too far away from Helsinki, yet was in the remote corners or Armenia (and the map was the wrong way round left-to-right anyway). Tried to reach strange ruins that ended up being just natural volcanic formations or ordinary Finnish villages with no inhabitants in sight; and we didn't want to scare those invisible inhabitants by ringing their doorbells either. In the end, one of the group relented and led us to this heath where these incredibly small, insectlike "fairies" who could only communicate by electricity lived, all secret from the rest of the world. They resembled nothing as much as little stick figures made of strands of gold, and in addition to being fragile and beautiful, were fully sentient.

And a lot of the rest of the dream was spent pondering on the paradox of now being one of the "quacks": I had actual knowledge of something utterly fantastic, but could not prove it in any manner (we had made a deal of not to reveal the "fairies" to the world so as not to subject them to scientific tests and all other unpleasant thingies).

Last night was quite a triple bill, actually. There was also an adventure involving dimensional doors, and one of those particularly unpleasant dreams where I end up in London with no money, no passport and no idea of how or why I am there in such circumstances. I've had several of them, Freud knows why. This one was a variation: the London looked like Paris, and I actually deduced what was going on (that I was in one of those dreams), and decided to see what happened if I went to a Finnish travel agency that I knew to be situated close to the hotel where Mom and I stayed while we were vacationing in Paris (though I still knew it was London). So I did, and told them about my situation, knowing all the while that I was lying about not remembering how I ended up there, as I knew I was dreaming, and that was somehow the reason.

Saw my therapist today, after three missed sessions. Argued with her pretty hard. She told me to stop waiting and start living. She also told me that I was the most pessimistic person she had ever met. This was in answer to my reasons of why I don't believe I ever will find anyone to love for the rest of my life anymore; and so why I keep pining after someone who would be impossible even if he reciprocated.

See, that possible lifemate should fulfill too strict requirements - I just know it can't work with less. I've learned these matters through bitter experience. First and second - rather standard requirements - they should be attractive to me, physically and romantically, and my standards are rather high (all right, all right, I've been known to fall for people who are not conventionally handsome, but then they've been so charismatic that they are desired by very many others anyway); and they should have enough of a brain that I can respect them (no, they need not be professors or doctors, but still). Third - they should be able to understand my passion for my hobby, and be able and willing to participate at least every now and then. It takes up so much of my free time and my interest that the relationship simply could not work otherwise. And last - and this is where all hope fails - they should be able to enjoy being dominant in bed, for good, and not just be the person who takes the lead, but know something of the tricks of dominance and submission and even the milder forms of pain. So this person can't possibly exist, at least not for an ordinary, fat, dumpy, needy, aging loser like me. And despite that, I am still not willing to settle for second best. At least not in the attraction department. The rest only comes out with time, but as it inevitably does, I could only have uncommitted, careful relationships anyway.

So what does it matter if I pine after someone whom I know does not fulfill one or more of these requirements? I could only get some passion from him, and give some of my own back, anyway. For a short while. Totally, completely, but only for a moment, and after that, only my undying loyalty. And that is all I ever wanted out of The Certain Someone.

I thought of going out with the dog a while ago (it's past midnight), but that air and those smells and that wind and all that would simply have woken up the miserable, unnameable, unfocused longing, and I can't deal with it now. So went to re-watch the third season of Buffy.

Liisa thinks I should be able to deal with the university degree thing.

But how the hell could I, until I get healthier, much, much healthier, since that is what drove me into this spiral in the first place??

18 May 03: Time Travel

Returned from Musta lippu thoroughly exhausted - no wonder, as we slept maybe four hours. Anni and I took the long route to get some coffee at their family's summer cabin with a few people, and some food and sleep at their parents' place before driving back home.

The game was all right - an admirably researched and presented historical milieu and people who had gone to considerable trouble to create the world in props and costumes (both GMs and players). I personally had a rather nondescript experience, but one can't always have the sort of character one wants. (Actually, I could say that the same words apply to T'ien Ming a week ago, though maybe the level of dedication for Musta lippu was yet a little higher overall.)

Hoop skirts certainly seem to earn a lady some res-pect, and are not nearly as uncomfortable as one might imagine. It's the corset that is the killer... Not that I haven't used mine in many games before, but I haven't really slept in it, not even when loosened. It was torture.

And Aamutähti's "village" is slowly becoming rather play-able.

It was nice to see and chat with some of the people I like, too.

It occurred to me today that pink might not be the best colour for this diary. And that might be understating it a bit.

Too tired to do anything about it right now.

16 May 03: Sketching The Semblance Of A Life

Slept long today, but not as long as Jori, who was still asleep when I got to town to meet him and, not finding a Jori at the agreed-upon spot, called him. That was a quarter to four pm... Anyway, got most of what I needed for my costume for Musta Lippu (such as a hoop skirt for 10e, and a bodice all free, thanks to Anni and Lissu respectively). Had a nice lunch and chat with Jori. Got home and was useless, but felt pretty up anyway.

Going to get up early, walk the dog, do some last-minute sewing, and then start driving. Too bad I didn't remember to advertise free seats in the car in time, as I now have to drive alone. Miffed about the fact that my furs are still in Jyväskylä, as they would have been sorely needed, but otherwise, feeling rather positive about the game.

Must remember to take that Native American costume for a lady who was called in late, as I promised. And good shoes for myself. And enough blankets and stuff to stay warm even without those furs. (DAMN, I want them back!)

Once I get home from the game, it's high time to gather up the lost strings for Vampire. And get to finishing up those sewing things. And get that dance project not only off the ground, but moving forward!

This is me backing off.

15 May 03: Back To The Edge

So, now I am officially unbearable.

14 May 03: The Deserts Of Apathy

Tired, constantly. Been sleeping a lot, reading a lot. It rained hard today, which was the perfect excuse to burrow under the blankets with a book and something to eat. Can't even be excited about the fact that the rendance CD is now here. Must finish the steps book to go with it.

Had a chat about the possibility of going to Estonia for a larp in the summer. It's nice, but right now I can't gather up enough energy to gush about it either.

I am waiting for the higher medication dose to kick in. At the moment my eating habits are about as uncontrollable as those of a cockerspaniel - anything edible will do, and if it's unhealthy, all the better.

I often have dreams of lakes that dry up or turn out to be so shallow that they practically aren't - a slight film on top of a plain of stones. They say that water is the symbol of emotion and the subconscious. What does this tell of my emotions? I hate those dreams. I've begun to hate them while inside the dream, too, even though in the beginning they were neutral. I never get to swim in them. I feel like that now.

Strange, though, if one thinks of my real-life phobia of anything sunken or shipwrecked. But in the dreams water is good, and lack of it is definitely bad.

13 May 03: The Lure Of The Deep

The Suitia day went okay; I suppose the event was a success, even if most of the potential customers left after two hours or so. Our high medieval costumes were a big hit, and so was Topsu's and Demoss' swordmanship demonstration. Too bad we didn't get to dancing until almost at the end; the locals loved it.

Another day of gritting your teeth and bearing the stupid, awful, burning heartache with a smile. Successfully - of course. Of course I can. Doesn't make it any more pleasant in the end.

Nice music. And some nice people. And some possible orders for costumes, which helps with the material means of survival.

As for the other kind - I still don't... I don't know. Perhaps I am trying to blackmail God. I should know by now that it never works.

But this is getting to be somewhat over my limit.

Yeah, I know: "Gee-zuz, woman, get a life! Get something else to think about!" But that's the problem: I do have other things to think about. They just don't help.

I'm rereading "Foucault's Pendulum" - this time more sensibly in Finnish. I can't even figure out why on Earth I brought in in English years ago; why read something as a translation to a foreign language, if it's possible to read it in one's own? Anyway, now I'm doing it in Finnish, and I'd really like to find out more about those conspiracy theories on the Templars and the Rosicrucians and the kabbalists and whatnot, but it would be nice to find out something factual. I wonder if anyone's done credible academic research into the theories and maybe their refutations.

Oh well, book and bed. Means of survival for another night.

12 May 03: Still Teetering On The Edge

Haven't written; was too busy with T'ien Ming and Mother's Day. Otherwise, been too... wordless? Wordless and worthless. That's it.

I don't think there's any going up, really.

I so don't want to go to that gig tomorrow.

...I've been thinking after writing those few lines, and I think I really don't want to live anymore. It's been driven home tonight how little worth I really have to A Certain Someone, and I just don't give a shit about life now. And there's nothing else to live for; to strive for; either.

No, don't fear. I'm too tired and apathetic tonight.

And perhaps I'm just trying to blackmail God.

I hate this. I hate all of this.

Why do I have to be so ugly??

08 May 03: Quite Contrary

And I hate the birdsong outside, too.

Been sick and stomachachy all day. People are cancelling on the Suitia gig next week like lemmings. Dammit, we need to be there in force!

Angry at the fact that I'm always the one who should give a shit.

07 May 03: Numb, Dumb And Dull

Completely frustrated with words. I can't write. After all, I never knew how to write for the sake of writing itself. There was always that ulterior motive - the ultimate motive - of reaching out, of trying for connection. So what right do I have to the exalted society of those for whom words, in themselves, are life?

All I can think of is how desperately I want to find new ways towards A Certain Someone, or, failing that, towards someone I don't even know yet.

Bloody spring. Bloody May. Bloody smell of earth and life and buds in trees and all the stupid, stupid lifeforce that has no right to exist anymore, not having been good enough for anyone for years in running already. I'm a tin that's far past its last selling date. Nowhere to go except for the garbage bin.

I hate my life.

I've lost a song translation I did for Domus IV. I want to remember what I wrote, and I can't. Too much misery connected with that whole unhappy event (not even the song worked the way it should have). Nevertheless, I'd like to find it, and it's nowhere to be found...

Typical.

06 May 03: Of Reaching Out... Or Not

Yesterday, I got a gift from a very surprising party - and I couldn't even decline, since the gift was so irresistible: the new Strangers in Paradise collection. Once again, it left me laughing and moaning out loud, and starving for more.

I met with the Peijas psychiatrists yesterday, for a control visit, and they finally raised my dose of medication (as I don't think that 30mg of paroxetin really works yet - at least not for the Eating Thing, and it supposedly should). If it now starts combatting the Food Monster, I'll be more than satisfied. And Liisa and I finally got those two times a week set last week, so I saw her again today. I really wanted to talk about what happened at the May Eve party and afterwards, but somehow we got to rehashing my past. I suppose she needs to be reminded... I just feel like I didn't get to talk about what I wanted to talk about. Well, I'll see if I can correct that on Thursday.

I really need to start sewing now, but I don't feel at all like it. I feel lonely and neglected and desperate for connection. As I wrote almost exactly a year ago:

Communication. Contact. I have
lost them, given up,
become lukewarm, cut off, un-burning, un-lit.
I have choked it down,
the conflagration, holding it back
all too easily now: it takes no energy
anymore.
I am silent, and dark, and cold.

There is no place for the phoenix here.
There is no fuel
except for you
and I refuse to burn us to ashes.

(5 May 02)

And nothing has changed, apart from the fact that silence is no longer easy. But what can I do? Not a thing. I just have to shut up, grin and bear it. There is no other honourable choice... even if there were any other choice, period.

I agree with what he said in That Chat: love sucks.

05 May 03: Those Youthful Crushes

That object of fangirl adoration everywhere, Cassandra Claire, took up an amusing question in her diary (LiveJournal, weblog, whatever - though LJ seems to be the norm in their 'hood): what were, or are, your fictional crushes? She limited it to books, but I'll happily expand to other media, since my first crush was for a comic book character - and a deep and enduring one it was, too. I was five. He was maybe seventeen or eighteen, and Roman, and gorgeous (and probably gay). He was Alix.

I'm not sure if I can say I really had crushes on any of the other characters of world or children's literature by that time... oh yes, Leo of the Famous Five! And I wanted to be George/Georgina. All we girls wanted to be her. She was cool, and Leo liked her. :) And I absolutely adored the Disney version of Robin Hood, the fox. We used to listen to the storyline of the movie, and the way the Finnish voice actor said: "Marian... I love you more than life..." was unforgettable.

Then came - predictably enough - Frodo. I read LOTR when I was eight, and raged against the stupidity of the Shirefolk for not recognizing Frodo's greatness and making his life easier, so he'd not have needed to leave at all... I also had something of a crush on Eowyn - I did not want to be her, I wanted to be Frodo, but I just adored her so much.

And then... the crush to top all crushes; the teenage idol of all my teenage-idol- days: Luke Skywalker. Not, let me point out, Mark Hamill, as I was introduced to the phenomenon through the novelizations of the first two movies. I read them and promptly fell totally, absolutely, completely, in love. The years between my twelfth and fifteenth birthday were spent living, dreaming, writing and breathing Star Wars and the image of Luke in my head. I wrote fanfiction years before I knew that such a phenomenon existed elsewhere, too. Oh, how I wrote! The stories always struggled towards a single goal: to work out the stupid plot twists that seemed designed to bereave the Hero of his rightful goal, the Princess. Incest? Nooo... it could not be. There was a mistake somewhere, and I'd explain it, one way or another. The Hero deserved the best.

You can imagine that I've loathed anything having to do with the Star Wars universe after the original trilogy. I've seen the new movies, but I haven't touched any of the followup books or comics except for the "Dark Empire" mini- series, and that only because it had beautiful renderings of Luke on the cover.

Later on, the fictional crushes have not been that huge except for one that I am ashamed of, and associate with unpleasant things in my past. The slightly milder ones have included Skywise from Elfquest, Ged from the Earthsea novels, "super PSI cop" Justy from an obscure manga of the same name, and - of course - Morpheus from The Sandman. I never really pined over the world classics - Mr. Darcy or Heathcliff or Lord Peter Wimsey - as I read about them when I was too old to pine regardlessly, and besides, Lord Peter (whom I consider the only pine-able one of them) was for Harriet. Shakespeare, too, only came at University (you can't really pine for Macbeth or even Romeo, which we did at high school).

Oh, I'll admit - I've got the LOTR movie Legolas for a screensaver, and it's likely to stay. But it just doesn't feel the same anymore.

So, what were yours?

(Later) During a nap it occurred to me through the dream haze that the boy in Famous Five was actually called something else in the original... not that I can remember what it was. And that I forgot two Pauls: Paul Atreides from Dune and Paul Schaefer from the Fionavar Tapestry (which, by the way, has one of the worst translations to Finnish that I've ever laid eyes on).

04 May 03: There And Back, Again

May Eve came and went. Once again, was sucked beyond the event horizon that is Sopulilaakso until too late to go to Talo. Should have hitched a ride with Kristel and Teemu from Sanna's place, after all. Anyway, stayed sober as per norm, but still ended up fighting with a couple of people and felt totally miserable by dawn. Two of those fights were on issues on which I do not want to back down, so I guess they were unavoidable, but one was a nasty surprise, and ended in much misery and shame on all sides.

Not a happy night. Which was kind of weird, as I went in with a perfectly fine mood. Kept promise, though. Was helped by a (cynical, but honestly supportive) shoulder from Merten.

Slept on Jori's floor for a few hours, not too comfortably due to Jori's insomnia and playing of music, and trying to share the mattress with Dare for a few hours until the poor soul had to leave for Porvoo to meet his parents. Woke up, took hours tottering about as if hung over, and finally got to town to meet Irre and Anni. Spent all day and most of money stash in various cafes waiting for X2. But boy, was it worth the wait!

I could gush about it for hours, but I wouldn't know where to start. Nightcrawler - so perfect! And Jean - oh dear... And Wolverine, of course. And... and... well, everybody. Except for Rogue, naturally, but that case was spoiled in the very first movie already. Otherwise, I could hardly stay in my chair. Nightcrawler was almost... almost over perfection - even the additional scars were absolutely in character! And once more - Jean... yes yes yes YES... Helsingin Sanomat said something about how well the storyline referenced themes and plots from the golden ages of the comic in the 80's, and I agree completely!

Friday and Saturday were spent rather poorly in a live-action game that sucked. There's not much more to say about it. Oh, I personally had a tolerable game, but I felt awful because I had a character with absolute powers that pretty much blocked the powers of everyone else when they were needed... The stars at night were nice, though. And I noticed a distinct lack in my otherwise pretty extensive LARP wardrobe: I own neither a good wool tunic nor a hood. Must make. As soon as I get all those other projects out of way.

Got home on Saturday afternoon, once again exhausted by emotional and interpersonal issues. Felt ugly and dirty and asocial - so not much out of ordinary. Fell asleep and pretty much slept until Sunday afternoon. Watched an old movie on TV, read some, slept again. Haven't accomplished much.

Feeling nervous and irritated. Some matters are still problematic, and I don't much feel like working on them right now.

Perhaps will concentrate on all those tasks I have to do tomorrow.