26 Oct 06: Calmer Weather

Okay, so. I've been eating this stuff for five days now. First two days, very easy, just a few moments of dizziness. Third day, awful nausea, better to just sleep; nearly gave up on the whole thing. Fourth day, slightly better, at least in the afternoon; still lots of sleep. Fifth day, still tired, but feeling at least slightly better; may be just natural mood shift or may be the beginning of a drift back to normality. Everything tastes slightly different and has done so ever since the first tablet, sweet stuff in particular is too sweet and yucky. I hope the latter effect stays after all the nausea's gone, but that might be too good to be true!

Actually feeling capable of facing tomorrow morning in a determined working mood. I've decided to give myself the opportunity to heal, so I may be shifting the didactics seminar until next year. So now I'm going to attack the parts of my studies I can actually do on my own and not in groups I have to get used to!

(Night) Took the dog out. The changing wind was making him overexcited and driving the clouds in sideskipping herds over the night sky. I thought I would enjoy the sight of some changing weather, but while I was walking through the faerie circles, the clouds did quite the opposite: the contrast between their bright orange and the occasional glimpses of the blackness with stars somewhere in the depths made me feel claustrophobic. The clouds seemed too close, too low, like those endless ceilings in my most frequent nightmares of late, the ones where I try to fly away from something, but always end up being trapped inside buildings. Too low, and too little clear sky for escape. The feeling was so intense it worried me a bit - I hope I'm not developing new neuroses in place of the old ones. Maybe it was something caused by the adjustment to the new meds. Besides, I'm not feeling at all claustrophobic here, inside - it was just the association with the dreams in that slightly spooky night.

I bought (bought!) Ombria in Shadow by Patricia McKillip last week - in the original, though the Finnish translation did remind me I'd wanted to get my hands on it for a long time. However, it was yet another beautiful, evocative book that left me wondering what the h*** it was about! I mean, how were all those people connected, really? How did it all tie together, huh? Some parts were clear, but I simply couldn't make head or tail of about half of the final events and reasons, and I hate, hate, hate that! I don't want ambiguity, I don't want to come up with my own solutions in case no clues to a clear solution are provided - how could I decide what happened in the story?? That's the job of the author! And I want them to do it, dammit!!

I know I'm not stupid - but I hate not being quite brilliant enough, after all! I never get these things!

22 Oct 06: Taking Action

All right, then. I have new medication, of a different sort than before, and supposedly pretty good and quick (Cipralex, which seems to be the current default choice, but hey, maybe the default'll work for me, and if it won't, I'll try something else). I couldn't get up today at all, no matter how well I knew how important it was to contact the didactics teacher(s) Right This Instant. So I dragged myself to the ER, waited patiently, and got the meds, which right now was the important thing. I have a phone appointment with my general physician on Friday, to agree on how to follow the med situation, and I have sick leave for these couple of days, to have something to back up my request for yet a little more patience at the teacher's department. I'm sure I'll be back on my feet soon enough - just knowing it will get better from here helps.

And this should be the last big hurdle, really.

(Yes, I am determined to follow the effects of the new drug closely and critically, and if it doesn't seem to be satisfactory, I will demand to try other stuff. After all, there's still Zoloft and Efexor - I've tried neither, but I know satisfied users of both.)

(And once again, I am so thankful for friends. I knew I could call at least five people, possibly even twice that many, and expect sympathy and encouragement on my way to the ER, to be able to dare asking something for myself... But the one I called first rose to the occasion, and just as selflessly as before, so all I needed was that one call. Thank you. I am so blessed.)

21 Nov 06: Feeling Grumpy

Heli came over to watch the beginning of the second season of "Battlestar Galactica" with me, and through many mishaps we finally got to see the first four episodes (well, minus episode one, as it wouldn't load, but Heli filled me in, as we just couldn't bear to put it off any longer!). That was the highlight of the day. Everything else pretty much sucks.

Well, two things mainly, but those are pretty big things, and so I feel really unfairly put upon by fate. First of all, it finally struck me that I actually have to sit quite a lot in small-groups classes for the teacher studies - stuff that I've done already but didn't turn in my final paper, so now I have to do it all - and now that it has struck me, I also see how much I loathe the idea. First of all - more embarrassing situations of having to explain to strangers what I'm doing there at my age, and second, it takes me back to those years I so thought were behind me, finally. Just thinking about it does, and I so don't want to go there. And I feel rebellious and cranky and really really don't want to start the classes, particularly since I have to catch up and explain why I'm starting this late in the term, so I'm already at a disadvantage. And I really don't need the stress of having to fit into more completely new groups of people.

The other cosmic unfairness is that I have to make a bitterly difficult choice between my two main hobbies in a couple of weeks. I don't want to, but it can't be helped. On one hand, I could have fun and meet people I don't often meet, on the other, I could follow my sense of duty on something that really matters to me. And yeah, it's easy to say that the last thing I need right now is worries over hobby matters, but I do have a moral duty to do the latter, really. And I care, I do. But I care about the other thing as well.

So I'm grumbling and pitying myself, and eating. Oh well, I guess that's a solution in itself: a defeatist one. If it goes on, I won't be able to get myself to do any of these things. I suppose I'd better keep my choices open, anyway. And then choose, for better or for worse. And live with that.

I've always sucked at choices.

20 Nov 06: Half & Half

I did take in the re-registering application, and the boy behind the desk said it was okay and it'll take about two weeks now.

I did go to see if I might meet someone on the study program, and did happen upon one of the nicest people in the whole group, and felt better about being more in touch with the rest as well. Besides, she gave me encouragement and advice about the medication thingy.

I didn't make it to the ER despite firm intention to do so. Too scary to go in and demand something for myself now that I'm clearly not dying right this instant. So I ate unhealthily and fell asleep with an aching tummy.

I don't think things will get significantly better until the reapplication is through, because until then I'll live in constant terror of something (maybe something small even) still being unclear or wrong and thus being rejected. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it's not personal, it's bureaucracy, and even if there's something, it'll be perfectly solvable... I'm still in terror that I will somehow, one final time, be judged and found wanting. Useless. Hopeless.

Unhealthy comfort food suddenly sounds like a great idea, again.

19 Nov 06: Oddness & Tension: Clear Warning Signs

Been a weird weekend - not big-weird, just small-weird, and somehow tiring and unhappy. Since nothing actually was that bad, my suspicion that it may be the depression sneaking back has been strengthened. Unfortunately, I forgot all about going to the ER today, so... Maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow, anyway, I will have to go and deliver the re-registering application, and then get Dad&S-T from the airport... But it's true that something must be done before it's too late to halt the downslide.

Anyway. On Friday, I had too much to drink, so it's proven now that my basic limit is and stays unpleasantly low - always even lower than what seems reasonably low already. Had a good time until that spike to the ridiculous state of drunkenness - luckily, I don't think it lasted very long this time. Oh well, I was in the company of one friend only; Suvi's seen me in embarrassing states before; and I didn't do anything particularly harmful. But it is a regret that I have to remember to be so rigid about drinking, even with friends who know my low tolerance. (It does work if I stick to a couple of ciders, if in company where alcohol is freely available, but even unlimited wine is a danger - it doesn't take me to the ugly stage in itself, but it does make me lose control of how much to have, and if there's anything stronger available, that's a no-no.)

On Saturday, recovered, then went to Kerava, then got home a bit earlier than expected because a friend needed me. It seems I could be of some use, and I'm really glad of that. So many people have carried and supported me through these hard years that I can never even begin to repay them properly, but at least this time, I may have been able to be a support from my own part. Not that I'm glad there was any need of support, but since that was the case, at least I could help. And I hear everything's okay now.

Today, I slept late and once again didn't like my dreams. I did some stuff I'd promised, and I learned a huge amount on a subject I really wanted to know better. However, I had to face - well, be in the same company as - a person who, some time before, had very good cause to be very mad at me (though the cause was not intentional). And I can't even apologise, because it's been made clear to me it would not be welcome and would only be more embarrassing. So it was rather frightening and made me feel awfully tense, if I wasn't so already. And then I got home and got worried over yet other hobby matters again, and feeling like I should get involved in certain arguments and be sensible and try to make people understand and accept and I don't want to, because I'm almost crying just by reading the arguments. I shouldn't care, for my own peace of mind, but I can't help it.

I feel miserable. Not just about today, about everything. About studies, about all my hobbies (yes, all of them!), about the future. About ending up alone. About not ever being able to make up for these years of non-functionality. About being too old and ugly and forever too fat. About never being good enough in any one thing for SCA to get to be fun. About not being able to come up with the perfect formula for a LARP application so I could be sure of the GMs a) reading it right b) getting excited about it c) letting me in. About not having enough time to read books, and reading the wrong books anyway. About wanting to watch more movies, but not getting myself to watching even the ones that are waiting in the video room. About never finding a fulfilling job. Never having children. Never having love.

...Oookay. Now those are clear warning signs. There's been nothing this weekend to make me feel bad about love or children or studies, and yet I do, out of nowhere. This needs - requires - swift interruption measures.

17 Nov 06: Good And Bad

I wrote a note to a friend, in something resembling poetry, and today I realised something very good about it. The last time I tried to communicate with this person in poetry, speaking of the same things mainly, it turned into a dark, ugly, painful, shameful complaint, but now I could paint a picture that - well, wasn't glowingly positive, but at least definitely not negative either. Faintly ironic and mostly nice, if anything. And not a shameful apology, which is the main thing. I have learned, and healed, it seems.

On the other hand, I keep being afraid and sabotaging my own attempts at daring with the study thing. What else can it be that even though I could afford healthy food, and even have health shakes all ready to be made, I don't? And sleep badly, and then sleep too much? Because if all that was okay, I'd have no excuses to not dare.

I have to. Now.

I wrote the damn application. All done. Only need to leave it in on Monday, because the student affairs office is closed on Fridays (which is probably why I was able to do it - the job didn't seem quite as overwhelming and definitive this way). And I did manage to fill in the entry to my study journal, even though this morning that, too, seemed impossible. And I made myself a shake, so I've stopped being stupid and hedonistic just for the sake of being contrariwise and panicking. So the spiral's halted, this time around, and hopefully, turned. However, looking back at these weeks, and even the last entry in the study journal, it seems clear that the depression tendency is still strong enough to need combatting with medication. So I set it in my calendar to go to the ER on Sunday, or Monday at the latest, to apply to see one of the sensible psychiatrists there.

But today I'm going to help Suvi do some cleaning. Being social and being useful, all in one.

16 Nov 06: Dreams. Bad.

Today wasn't to be. Too tired. Got up around noon, couldn't really bother with anything, fell asleep again in the afternoon. Oh well, can't help it, have to accept that this still happens. Just have to be more exact about not having short nights in a row, no matter how much fun or other stuff one is supposedly having...

But I do hate not being able to do the same things other people can do. I guess that's disability, then. (And it's even possible mine will get better and go away completely, so who am I to complain?)

It wasn't even fun sleeping, it just was necessary. I had extremely unpleasant dreams about this larp-cum-reality in a postapocalyptic culture that resembled our own a bit too much, except for fated, forced marriages. The marriages were between genetically compatible young people, but in actuality the elders often considered the opinions of said young people in the decision. Except in my case. My intended was my long-time crush from highschool, and I knew quite well he was no more interested than he was then, and I was mortified. At least the dream had some mercy for me by distancing the plot occasionally, when it was my sister to whom said mortification was to happen (there was also a gratuitous cameo of martial arts by a blonde demigod and a young Michelle Yeoh that somehow only made everything feel worse). Later, when the couple had been sent to the isolation they had to stay in for ten days (or at the same time, ten hours), there was lots of stressing over how it was going to go, and if he'd have mercy on her and decide it was all right after all, while I and several other people in the larp/my social circles were in a ballet class. To top the permeating feeling of ache and humiliation and Not Being Desirable, Sir Crush turned up to spend some time by a bit of ballet (the class was simple and extremely hard, with long exercises, and there were several men there - and naturally, this being a dream, he was reasonably good at it already). At least I woke up after that, but the feeling of humiliation and undesirability doesn't want to go away.

To which, of course, the solution is to concentrate on schoolwork and not worry over inessentialities like love. I wish I'd finally learn the trick (and the trick, of course, is that there's no trick, just self-discipline and hard work...).

15 Nov 06: Better, And Just Like Any Other Geek

Got to town today, got lots of things cleared, will be able to proceed, I hope. I mean, actually proceed. Get somewhere. I hope. But more of that then.

Rceived and fed Dad&S-T and took them to the airport, then drove to Ari&Salla's place to create a character for the Warhammer Fantasy that Ari started - we actually had our first session right after, as the others already had their characters. And it was great fun, and it made me feel more of an actual roleplayer, again, even with that short bout of adventure and experience. I'm really looking forward to more of it.

Tired. It's half past three am. But when I got home, some urgent stuff was waiting. And I have to get up at eight, for more, even more urgent stuff...

I'm beginning to see how other people manage important things: by being constantly tired. And I just can't survive that, at least not yet...

14 Nov 06: Sluggish

Not accomplishing much, because nearly unable to get up and then get out of the door (cold, slow, small, unwilling). Don't wanna go into analysis on this, already bothered a couple of different people with it. I know it's my fear of doing anything actually, because all work is hard and terrifying and endless and never yields satisfaction. And besides, the lit.prof. was un-nice to me (and I know it's not even a problem, at least not right now, but even so, I've been rejected in some manner). And it's all not going to work anyway.

(And it still rankles me that my performance at the event wasn't earthshattering, and it's all my own fault. I know I got lectured on this already, and I know I'm in the wrong, but I can't get myself believing that I should do anything unless I do it gloriously. And no, of course this doesn't apply to other people besides me; they're fine as they are. But I keep thinking that I'm basically obnoxious, irritating and unlikable, and I can only compensate for doing stuff so wonderful that the basic obnoxiousness gets forgotten for a while. And anyway, if you do performing stuff and don't do it so well it gives people the shivers, it then becomes nothing as much as just a pathetic attempt at getting attention.)

At least I got myself to town in the afternoon to meet Tomi, who was on a day trip to hear a famous lecturer of folkloristic studies. It was really, really good to see him after such a long time, and to catch up, and to hear how happy he is. I was going to go listen to some new folk music tonight, but decided to save money and time and didn't. Maybe this'll get better. Maybe.

12 Nov 06: Another (Nice) SCA Event

So, went to St. Homobonus's Feast; did my first gig as a tournament herald and survived (not perfectly, but reasonably, and it got better while it went on and I got used to it, so there's hope); ate humongous amounts of fantastic food; had to socialise with more people than usual which is very good, as I don't really get to know new people that easily; half-read, half-performed some poems, which wasn't as good as it should have been, but okay; didn't get the cloak done (typically) but got one on loan for the tourney so I didn't freeze; am reasonably satisfied over the whole deal.

Visited P&P today while returning bro's car, then got home and have been useless and getting crankier all the while, in preparation for a month of hard schoolwork (instead of hopeful plans of work), and in worry over some hobby matters that I really shouldn't let weigh on me as I have other things to worry about (like my life, degree and income), but can't help caring.

I'm going to bed to read some Ian Banks (minus M.).

I wish I had another fantasy game to look forward to. SCA's not the same; modern games (for me) are not the same. I have to come up with some extra ways of surviving the colourless existence of ordinary life, but I'm unsure of how to go about it.

09 Nov 06: A Milestone

It happened. I looked in the mirror and said, "I'm the best in the world!" Of course I got frightened of it immediately, even if it was just part of a spontaneous, general squealing for joy - but I said it. I've told myself I'm good.

See, I have finally shaken off another dragging mountain: I called about my old student loans. Yes, can you believe it? I did, and I heard very encouraging things, and I wrote my explanation and application for the moderation of interest today and sent it (could send it by email, which also was encouraging and easy).

Slowly but surely, I'm becoming an actual, functional, responsible person.

And now I have to go and study.

(Night) Okay. Once I get my student card updated and the housing support worked out, I solemnly promise myself an evening at the theatre once a month. Tonight, watching The Dresser at the National Theatre, I was forcefully reminded of how much I love and how much I feel invigorated by live theatre. It was a top-notch performance, and I was particularly impressed by Eero Aho as the titular dresser. I'd never even heard of him, but he really was great - it's not easy to hold one's own against Esko Salminen in full storm and fury, but he did. And of course, it's a great, classic play, so I can recommend it full-heartedly.

But now I have a screaming headache and need to make myself unconscious for tomorrow - lots of work and packing to do for the event and lots of important stuff to get done at Uni.

07 Nov 06: Sleep Is A Crooked Friend

I didn't want to go to sleep last night, and now I pay for it. I need to get myself back to structure before this thing slides out of control again...

Had good meetings with friends yesterday evening, at least, and more are hopefully in order. But I need to get moving faster with the study thing.

06 Nov 06: Sometimes It Works, Sometimes It Doesn't

I did get myself to Sanna's party on Saturday, and I had a good time. Talked to some nice people I haven't seen for far too long, ate too much chocolate cake and whipped cream, felt better by the end of the evening, got a ride home from a friend long missed. The moon was gorgeous while I was walking to Sanna's place from the train. Though the hair still wasn't (and isn't) behaving at all.

Yesterday, I spent all day trying to come up with something nice to read at the theatre practice I promised to start at yesterday's Hukka Sunday meeting. And then no-one turned up who wanted to actually do theatre. So I stammered through my introduction of theatre history in English (as I'd written it in Finnish, which seemed more sensible regarding the possible people who might have turned up), and didn't think it particularly good. Then, since no-one present really was willing to get up and act, I suggested we read a story from the Decameron in turns, but we ended up just listening to a native English speaker reading the whole story, because he did it so beautifully, and I felt inferior again. The bilingual necessity is sometimes a bother, as it's not nearly as easy to speak it pleasingly as it is to write. At least not for me.

Anyway, despite it all being useless, I was all used up when I got home, and couldn't get to sleep because I was restless, and then couldn't begin the week early and fresh. Which sucks. Well, all is not lost yet.

(Night) I had to pick up some books I forgot to the Hukka Autumn Fair at Oulunkylä, so on impulse I called Clo and asked if I could drop by to see their baby daughter and to chat. So I did, and it was really nice. Later in the evening, I've been panicking about having to go see the study group tomorrow, and having to tell them I still haven't been able to get my actual reapplication done. Because things were not quite clear yet. And I'd much rather go work them out than go report on unfinished business.

On completely other matters - this diary feels more and more constrained. How do you express worry about something with which you are unhappy if you don't want to show disloyalty to the people involved? You don't, of course. Or you could try and express your worry straight to those involved, but what if you don't feel it'll be of any practical use? Or at least of more use than it'll just be bothersome...

I'm also penniless again, hoping desperately that the unemployment support would get handled on schedule and I'd have money by the end of this week. But what if it doesn't go like that? What if something still drags? What if something I've screwed up in some distant, barely alive past comes back to affect this?

I just want to give up on all this trying, because it never gets easier; it's always fear and disappointment and worry, and it doesn't feel worth it...

04 Nov 06: Returning to Functionality (With Added Quirks)

Still have occasional aches and general ickyness, but mostly it seems this flu might finally be on its way out. And headaches may get better now that Mom magicked one of those anatomically designed pillows from somewhere - I slept on it last night at Kerava, and it really seems to help my tendency to hunch even in sleep. My shoulders are totally dead from sitting inside in front of the computer all week trying to get back to the habit of writing, so any little bit that helps is a big bit.

Anyway, feeling much better now. May be back on track for next week, which would be great - it's high time I accomplished something concrete. And the unemployment support should come in then, as well, which would mean I could a) pay my library fines to be able to start reading study books! b) pay my rent and then get the housing support applied, too (again). Which means I'll be ridiculously poor for some time further, but it should work itself out in the long run. And it's not like I'm not used to it; what's a few more months in all this? As long as I can actually begin reading for exams, all else is secondary...

Though at the moment, I should be writing an introductory presentation on theatre in the middle ages and renaissance, and I'm not particularly inspired. But this is what I wanted to do, so let's do it properly.

(Later) It's pretty clear I've developed a neurosis about social gatherings. It's time to start doing something to my hair for a nice party that really shouldn't be a terror at all, and here I'm sitting and stressing over how I can't get myself talking to someone who isn't even going to be in the same party! (And the damn hair is again at the stage between perms where it just looks messy and worn, and besides, I think it was a huge mistake to buy permanent colour since I can't find the sort I preferred anywhere except a store I'm boycotting. It seems all the talk about these permanent colours being more gentle nowadays is crap, and the thing ate my hair. Again.)

I wasn't like this before. Yes, I did spend an awful lot of time in getting ready, knowing I wouldn't look as good as I wanted anyway, but it wasn't this difficult. Nearly impossible. All the little things that I've messed up come to tease me again, like not having got my books and CDs from the site of the Hucca Autumn Fiar, and other little things like that. Things that are in no way life-threatening. So I guess this is a classical neurosis.

It sucks.

And I'm damn well not going to give in to it. I'm going to go and see people like I want to, and that's it.

02 Nov 06: Slow Progress

Should be getting up and moving for my one lecture, since the temperature's finally gone. I'm positively surprised, as yesterday, when I made only a quick trip to town to hear bro's (Baltic) bagpipes concert, the result was sheer misery, and I was sure I was going to be eaten alive by the damn bug yet, despite all this tight sitting inside and drinking endless cups of hot beverages and everything.

The bagpipes-with-accompaniment part was fun. The second part, with lots of haunting, celtic-sounding new-age-ish ancient pipe music, would have been nice, had I been able to concentrate on it instead of my headache - I couldn't escape, for fear of disturbing the mood, and I couldn't even write, because the performer turned off the lights just before she started. So all I could do was sit there and try to ease my aching shoulders as quietly as possible and wallow in my silly misery...

Anyway, otherwise, I seem to have spent all of yesterday in recovery, so no accomplishments. The debrief is practically done, though not yet completely. Today, I slept even longer, which was probably good for the flu, so I'm trying to think it's okay, but I still didn't get anything done yet, It's cold out there and my throat's still terrible, and I don't particularly want to move...

(Later) Nah. Wouldn't work. Still too much physical misery. And besides, maybe this way I'll get to full health ASAP. But it does make me feel guilty, and I really should learn not to pile on unnecessary guilt.

And I managed to work towards the final finish of the debrief. Nearly there, now.

(Night) Okay, that's done then, and sent. Not perfect, not even very polished, but some nice parts and as much information as possible. And it's very important to me that it's finished.

Meh. Another reminder of the minus side of having this diary open to anyone willing: I had some thoughts about something minor that was brought on by the game events, but I can't write about them here, because while the thoughts are private and concern some issues I didn't even know I had, and really should work through now that I know, they are connected to the game and so would spoil stuff for many people. Irritating. Very. (But I swear to you who automatically will think it's something about you or our mutual acquaintances that it's not; it was something completely different, and a bit surprising - not about other people, but about my own unpleasant, immature hangups. So don't get worked up, my friend. :))

01 Nov 06: The Grace Of God And Inspiration

I finally had a good night's sleep, and for the first time in two weeks my temp is back below 37C - it's still slightly raised, but at least it looks like the flu is on the way of being vanquished. I may be able to get out of the door tomorrow, finally!

So, another November is here, and I am clearly healing, because instead of quiet, fatalistic terror, I'm facing it with cheer and determination. Much of it may be the white arrival that was a paradox of curse and blessing - terrible inconvenience and even danger, but the added light makes it significantly easier for us mood-impaired ones to handle this time.

And not only that. I was reading some of my old scribblings and realised I can feel elevated and impassioned again. The sense of exaltation is back, and I am so grateful that everything - everything at all - seems easy at this moment, including forgiveness for old sorrows and slights. I feel I may be able to reach some small beauty with words, or at least that it's worth the attempt. And beauty around me, right now, drives me to tears and laughter, and it doesn't matter that there's so much toil and rejection and bother and mediocrity to come, there is still this. This magic. This sourceless joy of existence, and of beauty, and of emotion. I know it won't last, and it will be hard to hold on to it for many days that there are to come, but right now - right now...

There has to be a God. It's ridiculous even to think that It would not exist, either as a source of this emotion in all of humanity or as the sum of it. The grace, the blessing inherent in this feeling of joy and exaltation, is so much bigger than my little soul can possibly contain that if I weren't so happy I would be seriously frustrated in my inability to put it to any proper words.

This, this is flight, and fire. The Phoenix is finally full-grown enough to be able to fly. Not yet in its adult size and full glory, but airborne.

I am alive. I am alive!.