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You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
31 Oct 05: Half-glimpsed Stories I had nightmares last night, all night - the sort of nightmares that are too shameful and painful to write up, even for me (particularly since the writing would be such a bother anyway, and yes, I realize there's a problem right there). As a result, slept poorly and got a headache. Read Gaiman's Marvel pastiche, 1602. No, don't feel like giving an opinion on it. Did some raking of leaves in the yard, which at least helped with the headache (and the guilty conscience of not knowing the first thing about gardening, not even to keep a garden looking non-offensive). Got in, started a picture puzzle, was sucked into its own private reality and emerged around midnight. I don't think it demonstrates promising things about me that my greatest talent seems to be building picture puzzles. Straightforward, detailed but not excessively, and completely lacking any coordinative responsibility or decision-making. While maniacally putting pieces together, I think I happened upon a little story, but not really. As usual, it's just a few sentences - a couple of lines of dialogue, a scene if barely that. And even so, I can't be assed to write it up. The odd and unexpected despair and bewilderment from the nightmares seems to be creeping to other things, as well. Is there really no balance possible? 30 Oct 05: ...And Sometimes, Nice Stuff Happens So I'm curly. And through another lucky accident, even: I didn't have time to go shopping yesterday and so would have been forced to cancel the perm session, but someone was selling an unused box of home perm at huuto.net, happened to live close by, and answered their email quickly enough. And so I got my perm. The result looks really nice - Paula is an absolute darling for bothering to do it for me! And Mom and Mili have both presented me with different styling substances meant for curly hair, so I'm all set to take care of my new vanity. If feeling pretty helps me take a stronger hold of life - actual life, that is - I'm not going to feel guilty for it. Have borrowed books and picture puzzles to tempt me, but must now be very good and do several full work-days of sewing to get projects finished, or won't have anything to eat (no, not because of the perm: it was even cheaper than a new box from the store; just because of the usual state of pennilessness). Will try and see about daring official stuff. Zenya's in heat for the second time in a month - Zenya, who has only had one proper heat before this, and that was last autumn, before the kittens! And that's not the only surprise: the lady's proven that she can sing the blues with the best of them. Steps may have to be Taken pretty soon. Too bad she's really not show-tempered (probably), so there's no chance of more kittens... (not that I could probably manage to persuade Kalle to go through it again, anyway). I'd just love more of them. I have to figure out how to turn orange-brown velvet into dark red. I think it must be possible, I just have to work it out... but as some may remember, I've been properly humiliated in the field of colour mathematics lately, so we'll see. (Apropos; I finally got to see pictures of Heli's dress in full! And I'm still pretty satisfied with my work! Not completely - of course - but pretty much. See: I'm learning! Whether I'm learning proper pride or better sewing is another matter.) I must be the most envious person in the world, and I hate that, as I tend to think of myself as someone who at least tries to be a good person, or at least moderately non-evil. More tomorrow (now that I've started, I'm obliged to explain sooner or later). 29 Oct 05: Cover-up I was supposed to write a long analysis on something that would have better fit the subject line of my last entry, but as it was difficult and personal (which was the whole point, of course), I managed to dither on it for two days. So maybe later. Not tonight, anyway, in this mellow feeling after a nice party, meeting many friends one doesn't see often enough. (And who excatly do I see often enough? My mother?) Oh, and the mellowness is all due to just nice company, as I drove home and therefore was not drinking even the couple of glasses it is safe for me to drink. I am glad for having been able to go, and hope this really means I get to be like a normal human being soon. Relatively soon, at least. What I'm really bummed about is, I heard that Serenity is not coming to theatres in Finland, after all. And I was all excited, having read it would be December 2nd - but no, I hear that has been changed. A great downer in an otherwise lovely evening. I hope the excursion to somewhere where it is shown will work out - I'll definitely try to be there. I seem to be using far too much italics. 27 Oct 05: The World Is Not Enough Bad: overslept therapy. Good: did wake up and answer when therapist called. Also good: had energy to start thorough cleaning of room, turning bed ninety degrees (my head was pointing to the heater, and it was beginning to dry my face up at night). Bad: realised that forgot another two parties that was invited to, both last Friday. Good: called Spider and arranged to meet tomorrow. Also pretty sure about making it to Saturday's party. And I'm gonna have curls! On Sunday! Curls, curls, curls!! WHEEE!! (See, as I've explained to everyone around me lately: I see myself as someone with curls. I mean, of course I was born with straight hair, but I feel most myself when I have a perm, and all these years with straight hair just seem to be something in between, waiting for when I can again be curly. It's a neverending suspense story because my hair is so dry and fragile, no matter what I do with it or how many supplements I eat. Luckily, for a while (when it was in really bad shape), curls were totally out of fashion, and then the serendipitous accident with the bleaching solution came about, but of course turned into my hair falling off again soon enough. Now, finally, it's in shape, I have good enough conditioner to last for a while, and Paula promised to do the honours. And I can't wait!!) (Yeah, more meaningless vanity, I suppose.) I'm trying to come up with something to say about topical matters, I truly am. It's just that everybody else has already said it sooner or better. But I'll pay attention to this in the future, and try to learn to formulate opinions to set down. More later... I'm sort of in denial about the snow: it's not supposed to be Christmas-card weather yet, so I just refuse to get in the mood, and therefore it doesn't exist. You know? I'm quite glad it's supposed to get relatively warmer for a while yet. This has been a mercifully warm autumn, and I'm quite happy for it to keep up the good work. 26 Oct 05: Onwards... Possibly? Probably? Hopefully? It seems now to be clear that the sleep problem was in having too large a dose of paroxetin for too long. So make note if you use it or know someone who uses it... it's stronger than you'd think, and should not be taken at maximum dosage for more than the most acute phase of depression. Now, less than a week on a smaller dose, I've been feeling optimistic in carefully increasing amounts. Fleamarket-hopped yesterday after therapy, found a couple of good shirts for a couple of nickels. Went swimming with Mom today, and had coffee and then Chinese for lunch, met Antti in the evening to catch up... All in all, a great day except for lack of being useful. However, I suppose if things now start working, I may be granted a few of those days for myself I was supposed to take in the summer, but was already sliding towards the country of sleep. (Still, need to get things done tomorrow and the day after.) I may even be able to make it to the parties I've been invited to, which would be extremely nice - for a change! I smell goood. (Tried out perfumes while in town; completely intoxicated with Thierry Mugler's new fragrance, Alien. I've got some Angel in my closet, bought cheaply through huuto.net, and this is much similar, except at first it's more forest-y. Just as addictive, though...) (I just love perfumes - any sort of sweet fragrances, really. I could go on and on about different ingredients and different perfumes, but I know it's really unimportant and vain, I really do. They just smell so good to me. I suppose one could get similar results by buying a few fragrance oils and trying out different mixtures until one hits the perfect one. Maybe I'll have to try that.) (There's only one - I think it's just one - fragrance ingredient that I'm sort of allergic to, meaning it makes me nauseous, but I haven't managed to find out what it is. It's the most noticeable ingredient in Claude Montana's signature perfume for women, the one with the twisted-looking bottle - which, luckily, is no longer sold in Finland - but it's a part of some other perfumes as well. I'm almost sure it's a wood, cedar or something, but I don't really know.) I wish I was good at something I could turn into money for good causes. I wish I actually knew how to write. 24 Oct 05: Square One, Again and Again My extended medical tests showed nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. Nor was the doctor too helpful - no other suggestions, and she refused to refer me to another psychiatrist. Fuck. On the other hand, I decided on my own to try a slightly smaller dose of the meds - since it might be that - and this morning, I woke up quite early compared to recent experiences. Now what I'm going to do is call the psychiatric office and ask them to refer me to another doctor, and if they won't, I'll try and do it through ER again. I don't know. I really don't know. ...Okay, I called the psychiatrist - there were really no other options - and after a minute or so we were more or less on the same level, and she said it would make sense to cut the dose down (she said my dose was probably too big anyway). And said it would be okay for me to call again if need be. Now the only problem is, how do I get a certificate saying the meds have made me sleep sixteen hours a day, and that's why I haven't been able to do anything? 19 Oct 05: Mixed and Miscellanious I did make it to Tofa's on Sunday, and had a wonderful and productive day, learning to bake rye bread, listening to SCA-related chatting, petting Tofa and Thorvald's adorable cats (their absolute queen is a huge, sweet-natured tortoiseshell with the softest and most beautifully patterned fur ever)... and in the end, typically, getting tipsy on a few glasses of Tofa's wine (the particular bottle was raspberry flavoured with several herbs; less sweet than I expected but well balanced in flavour). I didn't want to write when I got home, because I was still rather woozy from the wine, having slept so little, and wine-induced blathering really is Not The Thing. But then, again, I slept for eighteen hours. Yesterday, then, things came to some sort of a head and made me realise there's got to be something done about this sleeping problem, now. I managed to cajole myself out of the door and to town to make the therapist's appointment - having missed two weeks altogether because of sleep, and having been too ashamed and depressed about it ("the usual", as it felt to me) to even call about it afterwards. I thought it was just, well, just the stuff that always happened to me anyway, no matter my motivation in itself, and that surely my therapist remembered that. Well, turned out she was on her autumn vacation, and had not seen it necessary to notify me separately, as I had not called back these weeks. I broke completely, yelled at her and hung up on her: she was supposed to be my one unshakeable pillar, so how could she not notify me even if I didn't have the energy to notify her (as, after all, it was always the same anyway: of course planned to come, but then slept)? No, I was not nice and reasonable. Yes, we worked it out a few hours later. But when I was standing in the stairway, crying my eyes out, I went seriously close to the desert again. Just felt that there was no hope anyway, time would run out; who knew how next week would go for me? And that I should just stop it finally and run under a car. So I had to call someone, and even though I did consider just walking to Hesperia or something, I did calm down enough to call Mirka instead. She was instantly on the way, and just knowing that someone took me seriously helped me enormously (and I managed to catch Paula while waiting, too, to rant some more). And so we had coffee, and then I ended up attaching myself to her for the rest of the day and following her home for pancakes, and then slept in their loft, falling asleep and getting up in the morning like a normal person. (Sure, I was feeling a bit apologetic that I was too tired to be social when a couple of their friends came to share the pancakes, but I had been up since 10pm Monday night. It was so good to be part of normal life, normal rhythm. And get up and wash one's hair, something that had been too much of an ordeal for the past week. And get out of the door and moving before ten am - even more courageous now that the mornings are frosty, with my hate of cold! And in general, not be buried in one's own bed. Also, a few people have now told me it's quite possible for this particular brand of medication (paroxetin) to cause tiredness - not in all cases, but in some, and generally when the dose is too big. So there's another possible explanation even if the tests don't show anything. Also, it came to me that type-2 diabetes might not be impossible either - I do eat quite a bit of chocolate and other sweet stuff even though I probably don't really realise the actual amounts, because after all, I'm not supposed to be eating it; I have too much weight in exactly the wrong place; I haven't been exercising (well, lately because I've already been so damn tired!); and I have noticed a more frequent need to visit the bathroom in the past two years or so. However, if it's that, it's going to be out on Monday. And stuff like that could still be tackled. If it's none of the obvious physical things, I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me to someone at the psychiatry unit to check the medication - someone else than the psychiatrist I've had before, who really has not taken me seriously after that first time three years ago! And if she doesn't know anyone, I'll try and find one of the nice psychiatrists I met when going to the EA unit at the bad times last year. But let's see those results first. 15 Oct 05: Sleep Gains Ground, Pivotal Trenches Lost Damn, this is getting impossible! On Friday I got myself to the lab, and then to the doctor to ask if I could have some of those mild sleeping pills again (naturally, my results could not yet be in). I'm phoning her a week from Monday to discuss the test results (she's on vacation next week). But the rest of the time I've just slept, slept, slept! Even today - I took a pill last night, and counted that I could be up and running a little past ten this morning. Nope. Slept until eight in the evening, through important plans and several rings of the phone, too. Zenya's making me play "fetch!" with the only thing that she really bothers to play with - one of those metal-and-plastic bits of ribbon that is used for closing plastic bags. I knew she grasped the basic idea a long time ago, but this is the first time she's been doing it systematically, for a considerable length of time. Agh - now I botched my throw and she's all confused... She seems not to bother with anything moving unless it's at least two yards away... I tried some activity during one of these slow nights and went through some of my fabric stash to find a piece for curtains in my own room (I only have a solid white pull-down blind), and for thicker ones for the living-room. I found some possibilities, but nothing quite obvious. The only thing that I have in abundance is dark-blue cotton satin (non-shiny), which is rather thin for the purpose of covering the heat-sucking square miles in the living room. For me, I'd want something red, budgundy or purple... there's this purple wool that jumped at me from a fleamarket shelf that I've had to rethink anyway: it's very slubbed, the sort where the base is black and then it's got these purple slubbed loops all over. And as we know from one of the most basic lessons in medieval costuming: slubbed fabric is a no-no! So maybe that one for my window. The same search made me rethink one fabric in my wool stash: it's a very nice, even twill, but it's black with some strong pink woven in. Now we do know that pink IS period, but I wonder if it would have been used in a double-colour weave? There's quite a bit of it, too. Maybe a houppelande-type something? I've also looked through pictures I've saved of costumes I've made for others, arranged them a bit, and am now just waiting for the ftp problems to be solved. It would be nice to be able to show more of my work, since there's getting to be a bit of it spread around. (I may have forgotten to mention that I took apart the pink-and-red vaguely-Renaissance-ish ballgown again, in the hope I could get something Venetian-ish out of it. It's still in pieces waiting for something to happen, though. I wonder if I've finally modified it so many times I've had enough and could sell it - once it's back together in some form, anyway.) I'm trying to stay up this morning to get to go to Tofa's for autumn fair preparations. I really hope it works. I could do many useful things - write up some debriefs, sew stuff like Paula's winter coat zipper and Mom's autumn cloak - but we'll see if I have the energy. 12 Oct 05: The Customary Post-low The Cthulhu-gened One has shed nearly all its leaves, but a few branches hanging over the "dining-hall" window still retain them - and they all glow in this most exquisite shade of red: a little softer and rosier than bright red, but only a little. Like a colour from some expensive makeup palette. I don't know if there's a name for it; in Finnish it could go under "helakanpunainen" (though I'm not sure if other people interpret that in the same way). And the evenings at this time have the same shade, sometimes only in the west, sometimes spread over the whole landscape. As usual, a big social thing requires a few days of recovery time just paddling slowly through apathy and dreams. I did go to my doctor's appointment on Monday, but haven't been able to make it to the lab in these two days afterwards. Tomorrow, hopefully. The doctor was okay - not very sympathetic, but not non-sympathetic either. And there's more to talk about after test results. I phoned Heli today to hear about the game and whether she had been happy with the dress and the reaction to it, and she said it was duly admired. I'm so glad. Now just hoping for pictures. I also think I have to get my SCA wardrobe in order - at the moment I've got the Viking Finnish style dresses (two overgowns and a couple of undergowns to mix'n'match, no proper apron) and that is it. Everything else is either in the middle of remodification or not SCA compatible. Well, okay, truth be told there's a really, really old dark-blue wool-and-fur thingy that I've worn so many times in the distant past that I still haven't felt like going back to it (and should lose some weight for it to fit anyway), and that red mock-coarse-wool servant's dress I just modified, but that one is rather questionable. I really need to finish up some of those big rehauls... And then dare to cut into the Chinese silk for the Italian giornea, too (see, it's not quite right, having all those Chinese swirls in the pattern, but even so it's gorgeous and I want something that brings it out so well one doesn't question the slight oddity - though, in one of the Ghirlandaio frescos the lady's undergown seems to be made of Chinese silk, as it has those round medallion-type patterns)... But with all that, questions of weight rise up again. I had to go to the scales at the doctor's, so at least I have a number now. It was not pretty. And looking at my shape, I really think it would be good for my health to lose a bit from the waist (as my hips aren't that wide, and the waist-to-hip ratio should definitely be less than mine currently is). Five kilos would probably be enough, ten would be better, and even then I would not be slim by any means. Well, here, too, we'll have to see if the tests find anything about this sleepiness, and maybe then I could feel a bit more awake to walk the dog, or something... I really am in a despiccable shape, and my eating is very far from being controlled. I was thinking about romance the other day last week, and it came to me that I'm really hungry to read about it, but actually - right now - prefer just reading about beautiful people in love to even thinking about romance for me. It's nicer that way. It really is. 09 Oct 05: Geared Up I'm really excited: I get to do tabletop roleplaying again! We talked a lot about some possibilities last night in the car, and today I got another invitation to a game, and I'm really flattered and quite intrigued. Tomorrow, the doctor's appointment. I'm really terrified - what if there are no thyroid problems either? I'm sure it looks strange that I hope something was wrong, but then it could be treated, and I would no longer be so endlessly tired and could get to put some of the psychological progress to practice! Slept all day, but this time I feel I deserved it. Needed it, too. Had awful nightmares soon after I fell asleep and only after waking up from them (adrenaline beating wildly all through me and inducing strange and terrifying paranoia) could really get back to rest. 08 Oct 05: Rites of Life What a beautiful wedding - warm, joyful, altogether lovely, and not a single unpleasant thing, not even the slightest, to mar the perfection of the party. I am so glad I didn't give in to fear and silliness, despite lacking SCA garb and unfinished gifts... and almost oversleeping fatally in the morning, too! (Actually, that was rather fortunate: no more time for worry there - just up, shower, move.) And I even got the last possibly panic-inducing little detail out of the way, when Irre offered to drive and gave me the change to do my hair on the road. Moya performed reliably, as always, and we managed to make up for our late start and be there in good time. All in all, a sweet evening. I met lovely people that I don't see often enough, including dear M&D (who were incredibly beautiful, together and separate). I managed to headhunt Lea and Gini to join me in doing parts of the old advice for the bride from the Kalevala(and some for the groom, though there is considerably less there, because apparently the groom does not need to learn to run a house in one poem, or run a house at all), and they chose nice bits just right for this particular bride and groom and performed splendidly. I loved the chance to sit down and talk with Emma, after such a long time of distant sympathising in both directions. And as usual, Anni, Lin &co offered really great music. Okay, maybe there could have been more dancing to go along with that, but at least I got to dance some! And I felt really warm and fuzzy that I didn't even have to go and ask for a dance with the groom, he came all by himself to get me! I am so, so thankful that now, like a normal person, I can't imagine not having gone (and don't have to). And that I could again be moved with and along with the emotions of others; that I am able enough to feel the tremulous joy of life's transitions and react to it in the manner of humans in general. Mutual love is a bright flame, and around it we are warmed, our faces aglow in its shine. And as an addition... because I want to remember it, because it deserves it as the craziest thing in a crazy homeward journey (well, maybe not the craziest, but the most elaborate sort of crazy certainly):
(Hi guys. Mission objective concluded safely! Well, okay, I let him walk past a few attached houses in the complex by himself, but I'm sure he went straight home like a good boy and was not abducted by a disguised moose on the way. After all, why would he disobey perfectly good and concise instructions? Oh, and Red, he cheek- kissed me for goodbye, so even if you think of continuing with your flagrant disregard of the Golden Rule, you wouldn't have a chance anyway!) 07 Oct 05: There, Then! Well, at least one thing done this week: Heli's dress turned out in a rather satisfactory manner. She looks gorgeous in it, so the style definitely isn't just for larger women like in period portraits! I hope she gets good pictures of her whole character ensemble tomorrow. And I want one for myself so badly now! (Of course, I was supposed to have finished hers by the beginning of this week, so I could have done exactly that... but, well, that could not happen this time. So at least I can be glad of one thing accomplished.) Still, I have no idea what to wear tomorrow to the wedding. And half of the gift will have to get done later, too. Have slept badly all week. I wonder how difficult tomorrow morning turns to be. 06 Oct 05: Just Breathe Slightly more okay tonight. At least, less agonised over things one cannot change. Still so weary, though... Again, we hear that Shakespeare was not Shakespeare, or at least not the author of his texts. Who cares??? No matter what sort of background the person came from that wrote those texts, he was a creative genius of the sort that only comes along once in several centuries, and genius like that cannot be explained or quantified or manufactured. It isn't the sum of its creators individual experiences, no matter what those experiences. It's clearly more, and all we can do is testify to its existence. It's God's grace, or chance's grace, and whichever way, it gives mankind some claim towards being more than the sum of its parts and beginnings; some hope of worth. (I'm not saying genius, or the details of its creations, could not or should not be studied. Just that there are no easy explanations of the sort of "Oh, of course, he was this-or-that international diplomat or university chancellor or bishop". Ordinary education does not explain true creative genius, no matter how much of it. And, like true love, which at least happens somewhat more often, it should be a humbling and gratifying thing to all of us.) (And by true love I don't mean anything grand and destined, just the sort of love that works: that makes the lovers content and that is a daily source of strength and joy to them. I don't believe it's granted to all of us, and so when we meet it, we should be humbled in our turn, and respect it. And be glad that it exists somewhere, in some quantity.) I'm terrified of finishing up Heli's dress: it's the first Venetian I've made, and the first of everything always worries me to distraction and despair. And I hate those small compromises one has to make on the way, hoping for the best (or never finish at all). 05 Oct 05: Continuing Disappointment I keep getting more and more tired. Soon I'll be back in the real depths. I don't have energy for anything (well, barely one thing in two weeks, namely Heli's dress, which I may be able to get done in time, meaning I won't get any of the other three things I was supposed to do before this weekend). So there's still no happy, instructive ending, no great positive drive, nothing. And I doubt it's about the thyroid either. I'm just too lazy, too worthless. Another wedding coming that I'll probably end up skipping out of shame - not being able to shape up and have a present and a dress. And it's not like other people won't be able to make up for my absence. They do so quite well already. This - this shows that I'm diving down and fast. I only realised it right there: when I start being jealous of other friends, it's bad. And this is bad. Now. I don't think I'll be giving any remaining readers a success story any time soon. I'm sorry. I did get myself out of the door last weekend: I went to movies with Miliza, to see Howl's Moving Castle, and loved it. In fact, we both loved it so much there was not much intelligent discussion to be had over it - just squeeing - so we talked about other things over coffee, which was very good and too long awaited. Then I went to bother Paula (the other P was on the other side of the Atlantic, on a tour with Frigg) with meaningless chitchat, also much appreciated, and watched an odd, artsy vampire film with Jude Law in it. On Sunday, I phoned Mom and agreed to meet in Tikkurila to stroll through the autumn country fair. We did some cursory shopping, ate a lovely meal at the Chinese restaurant on the promenade (it really has very tasty food, on a level far more solid than the general Chinese in the Helsinki area; do consider visiting - it's right opposite Prisma in Tikkurila, next to Hesburger) and got our shoes and coats wet in the intermittent rain. An odd thing happened at our last stop, a restaurant where we went to have some coffee: we ran into an old classmate of mine from (junior) high school, who (obviously) was also taught by Mom. She was working as maitre d' in the restaurant; we didn't notice her at first (I probably wouldn't have anyway; as we've noted, I don't pay enough attention to people I pass) but she came to talk to us. Apparently, I looked exactly the same as before. Or something. Anyway, we had quite a long chat, very amiable. The funny thing is, this girl was one of the group who bullied me the worst in our combined gym classes (she was actually in the same level but different class), and based on that I don't see any reason for her to suddenly come and be all nice to me. But - as I said to Mom when we exchanged notes after the conversation - the non-serious bullies, the followers (which she was), generally don't see themselves as having been hostile at all, afterwards. And maybe we all grow and change. I just could not help remembering when I ran into this old classmate of mine recently and simply had to apologise for my treatment of her during that time, because I felt really awful about it; and that, after all, was just between her and me (personal, I mean - the bullying I encountered was always impersonal, in the sense that the bullies and I never knew each other well at all, and they seemed to be doing it simply because it was expected from the cool girls towards the A-student-headmaster's-daughter). (Not that it wasn't unpleasant even so, and not that I want to say I was any more pleasant to this girl who I felt had angered me, though she probably didn't even understand what it was that had made me angry.) Anyway. Been tired. Sewed, slowly and listlessly. Been tired some more. |