18 Oct 07: It's Done, And So Is This

Promise one fulfilled: from now on, this diary goes on in Finnish at:

feeniksin.vuodatus.net

You're welcome there, everybody. Not much is going to change, unless maybe some more words, hopefully about something outside myself.

See you there.

Huh. Goodbye, Chronicles of a Depression. I'm different now.

17 Oct 07: All Right, All Right!

It can't be reasonable to continue something that will make me, again, ill. Or, in this case, continue not-something.

I promise. I will write.

Good grief, it was just a small thing, and so easy to say! Just words - it doesn't have to mean a thing! You know me, I always talk much and do very little! So. Why did I begin to cry at that?

No. No, I can't promise that. It's too much. Too big. I'm not good enough to make such an all-encompassing promise. I'm twenty years late. Twenty years off practice. It's not feasible. It's not going to work. It could never be measured; I'd never know when it was good enough, and it's too hard, and too low probability of ever getting anywhere measurable (=published, and liked). For an ordinary job, one has steps. Small accomplishments. And I have no stories anyway. And I'm half-tongued in two languages by now (four, actually, the other two axles being words and dance). (No, actually that's not true - nearly all my choreographies were born out of lyrics.) And one needs to live, and it's easier to live with the salary of an academic job, particularly when one is still in debt like me. And it's... too high to reach, too forward.

But didn't I just promise myself I will no longer give in and not try things simply because they may not succeed?

But I didn't expect it to obligate me into something this big...

Honestly, now, Firebird. It's one of the two things you have ever wanted in your life, and the one of those two in which you actually were considered to have exceptional talent. How fucking long are you going to go on not giving it its due?

Okay. Okay. I will graduate. But I will try and do it without getting stress about every exam and every word: as long as they get done, that will have to be enough. Not like this time, when I froze, feeling I didn't know the material well enough. But what is well enough? Just get it done. Just get it over with.

And meanwhile. I will start writing in Finnish. I know I will be clumsy at first, out of practice, lacking colour, lacking fluidity. But it will never get better if I don't start. I will get a diary in Finnish. And I will probably put my fanfic attempts somewhere. And I will figure out how to get a native beta reader for the English fanfic. Practice is practice.

That will have to be enough for a start. We'll see about more professional stuff later, then.

Yes, I will write.

16 Oct 07: Feeling Constrained

I'm starting to feel a burning need for a less public outlet than this. This has become too much of an everyday face, again. And it's not even near the truth of me.

I don't think I know even now who I am supposed to be. Or maybe I do, but the me that I am, revealed and real, is no longer supportable. Because she is all about dreams, always was, always will be, and she does not have the skill, the artisanship, to make anything of those dreams.

To put it more mundanely: the details of learning to teach Finnish for foreigners are no more inspiring than any of the other linguistic directions I've tried and passed in all these years of avoiding graduation (and thereby becoming a grownup that should be ready, and is measurable, judged, counted and set in their slot for ever).

I should have become a writer. But I kept pushing that forward, for ever and ever, because - and I'm pretty sure I've written about this, too, some time during the years - I just felt I would need to be wiser; to have more to say. Because I was still stupid and could offer no final answers. Not realising that final answers are not necessary to tell stories.

But even now, I have no stories. I just want to drown in dreams. I just want that marble and quartz castle in Fantasia. Sure, I'd love to be able to solve the problems and horrors of the world, but I just don't seem to be made to be able to do anything about them. I just am no use. At least I should have learned to "sing for my supper". It was not impossible, surely, not with my inborn talent. But where is it now?

I have no voice, and I can't be excited about anything academic - it all feels false, when I know that's not who I should have been. Who I am.

Damned with the sign of Faerie, for ever.

And that means there is so much of me that is not proper, not fitting, doesn't have anything to do with being a balanced, capable member of the society. Well, besides the much-analysed binge-eating problems and stuff. I mean, I present such a serious picture of myself here, but I'm silly and self-indulgent and sensual and all in all, have tried to push myself into too small a box lately, here. Again.

I don't think I am brave enough to be whole, even now. I could never have the courage to be silly and possibly ridiculous.

(Oh yes, and in the line of more cynical notes: I've completely lost the belief that if one could just see the "inner beauty" in someone, one would be rewarded with fiery mutual love. It's a necessary ingredient to a life with someone, but it's not enough. So I'm shallow and demanding and selfish, and I am ashamed of it, but it seems inescapable. And it's terrible, because I would be quite happy if someone would see my inner beauty and love me for that.

I have, however, began to look at men with the eye of considering how they will age, instead of how pretty they are at present.)

(I consider it quite possible that I will never have anyone, simply because if I were happy, I would never be desperate enough to end up writing anything.)

15 Oct 07: ...Now What Was Important, Again?

I have an exam on Wednesday. I've read maybe a fourth of my material. Instead, I've been embroiled in the writing of a silly, completely worthless fantasy. (Oh well, maybe not completely worthless, but the worth is relative, even so: it's in Finnish, and it's not just PWP. Well, depends on your definition of PWP, I guess. And I haven't even got to the possible first P yet.) (Though that tends to be a more general problem for my meagre attempts at fanfic: I start to set the mood for something that doesn't even require plot, and then I never get around to the actual meat of the thing, so to speak.)

Anyway. So. It's like the old days, when I spent all the obligatory lectures writing fanfic - this being, of course, before the age of the Internet and its making the fanfic phenomenon a shared one. Or even an aknowledged one. The point is, I'm writing, because it's more interesting or at least less scary than studying right now - and that, of course, is the usual way to get me less scared about writing. Threaten me with something scarier. But once I get to it; once it takes hold of me...

And yet; and yet. This is an illusion precisely because it's a situation of force. I'm just trying to escape something necessary, and that's the only reason this other activity seems to bear any actual worth. But no matter how worthy it seems now, it's not obligatory. Writing or no writing, ever, I have to graduate, and therefore, I have to do these exams, and I have to do them now, because time is getting precious.

But it's like reading books: I have a really hard time trying to convince myself that reading a book wouldn't be the most important activity in the world. I mean, it's cultural education. The same with writing: it's writing, for heaven's sake, and writing is the pinnacle of everything!

Perspective, birdie. Silly fanfic tonight. Graduating next spring. Perspective. Is it too much to ask?

14 Oct 07: Autumn Is About Shopping

Made it to my meeting with the study program counselor, and she even had sensible advice to give on the gradu issue & how to proceed with it. Then rushed to the student library to return some overdue books, home to give two separate games access to the prop loan service, then back to town to start copying materials for next week's exam. After accomplishing all this, I rewarded myself by buying the fragrance I've wanted for quite a while - Stella by Stella McCartney, which was on sale on "Hullut Päivät" (and a very good offer it was, too). I do want me some Angel, too, once I can afford it, but for now, Stella it is (and on less soft days, the new version of Organza, which is something between the really sweet Organza Indecence and something flowery like Champs-Elysees by Guerlain, for example, though a little sharper maybe). (And next summer, Parfum d'Ete by Kenzo, again. I think.)

I went to stay with Mom&O at Kerava, and then on Saturday I dragged Mom to go fleamarket-shopping with me. Had quite a nice loot, too, and found a big mirror I want to go pick up as soon as possible (hoping it's still there, of course. On Sunday, we had some more Star Wars, again, and though it started out quite frustrating (for my personal roleplaying weaknesses), it finally turned into quite an eventful session. Lots of soul-searching for my character, too. And sauna and analysing the game dynamics on top of that: very productive. And even got a ride home, so didn't have to face the rain! Lovely.

Now just need to concentrate on the exam... And hope that when it's imperative, I can still manage with little sleep for a couple of days...

Been bothered with a very, very uncharacteristic fanfic bug (or plot bunny I guess they're called). Not only uncharacteristic, but obscure, too. Still, even though there's no such fanfic that I can find, there definitely should be. And since I'm not going to write it anyway (because I don't write fanfiction, or at least not finish it), someone should.

11 Oct 07: More Dreams

I dreamed again. Dreamed of finding just about the perfect guy in a University SCA club (that does not exist) meeting. He was nice, and caring, and into the same things I am, and gorgeous, too.

How do other people manage lives where such things are possible? I know they do, perfectly well. So why am I so defective I can't seem to reach normality, functionality? And no, I'm not defining normality by having a man; I'm defining normality as a state where such things might even have a chance of happening. Of having a working life. Which means, having graduated. It can't be such a big deal. Other people barely notice doing it. And then they go on with lives. And meet people.

It was a sweet dream, though. I'll give Morpheus that, again. Would have been even sweeter if we hadn't been constantly interrupted at pleasurable activities. Oh, you jealous Dreamlord, you!

In other news, it seems the Unseelie Court has pushed their sleeves back and got to work, after a long month of slow, noble mercies. I nearly thought they'd gone soft, but yesterday's wind proved otherwise.

I hate cold so, so much.

In yet other news, Lissu dragged me to movies yesterday night (when I hadn't managed to make it to the noon showing, unfortunately). The Brave One was... frightening and hard and skillful, and left me pretty shaken. Jodie Foster was really impressive in it.

08 Oct 07: Life, Games & Pretend Life

I was really, really not feeling well by the end of the week, but Lissu came to the rescue. She dragged me to our Star Wars RPG session, came over to help me go through the study papers pile that I absolutely needed to sort to move forward with the gradu, and even helped me to get my medieval stuff (not to mention myself!) together to be able to go to the Hukka Autumn Fair. I can't believe I deserve friends this wonderful.

The event was okay, and I managed to get over my fears, mostly, so I had a good time. And even the sort-of-Italian-Ren dress that I threw together turned out looking okay. It's really tempting to move to that time period altogether, because it's so much more flattering on me than Viking Finn... though I don't want to abandon bliauts completely. Will have to think about this.

On Sunday, I was planning on being a busy little bee, but since fun beckoned in the form of Munchkin, I decided I could just as well sew at home. I did sit and listen through the general meeting, but that went by really quickly and smoothly, so not much work done during, either... In the evening, I just dropped: I still need a lot of sleep (and had to sleep early yesterday, as well, though I had planned on going to listen to the regular Perinnearkku folk music jam). But at least I didn't give in, this time.

Finished Making Money. Meh.

Got a delivery from Lush, by way of friends! Yay!

Am even contemplating on progressing with the darned gradu monster. We'll see.

05 Oct 07: Churning In Ditches, Again

So, I have a nice, full program for the year, and I should be at it by now, full time. And yet I keep panicking about the gradu and mostly about even trying to explain what I want to do while my credibility keeps getting lower and lower... And the Eating Thing has dragged itself into full daylight, coiled its ugly, heavy, slimy, squashy lengths into a big pile on me, and is having a riotous bacchanal about it.

I did apply for an eating group at the students' mental health society, but it won't start until the end of this month, and I'm doubtful as to how much help it can actually be. But at least I'm trying something. And I also applied, and got, a meeting with a uni psyhologist for study-oriented short-term counseling. I need to change my habits, and I'm really trying, I am. But I still seem to need two days of sleep after every three or so days of activity. Which means I should give up on all non-study-related activities completely until graduation, and that's just too cruel. I won't be able to concentrate on study matters 100% anyway, because I would just drive myself mad with stress - and you know I don't use the expression figuratively.

Though if I don't get a grip with this food issue, I could just as well say goodbye to SCA and larps anyway. I can't bear myself like this anymore, but I can at least not drive myself into panic about dressing up if I don't plan on dressing-up activities. On the other hand, that would just mean I'd be giving up on the health and weight issue completely. But right now, yet another SCA event coming and the Eating Thing trumphant, I just want to curl up and give up. Everything.

It's such a damn insidious conspiracy - the fear of the gradu lets the Eating Monster free, and then the Eating Monster kills my ability to do anything nice, and therefore even more of my fragile self-confidence, and soon enough, we're back to the old depths.

I hate having to admit to this again, in front of all those ill-wishers who I know come to read this, just to feel higher and mightier than I am. I hate it, but I promised. This is still what it is. These things are still there, and therefore the chronicle is not yet come to any beautiful conclusion. But I hate having to show this weakness, I do.

Anyway, here are some notes that at least try to concern something else than my own navel.

Read: Merlin's Wood by Robert Holdstock (better, more evocative, more interesting than I expected - incredibly strong imagery - so conditionally forgiven for not having any real ending). The three books that are out in "The Family Trade" series by Charles Stross (interesting, rather readable, can't decide if they're worth recommending). And some I seem to be forgetting at the moment, which is irksome. Currently reading: Author of Iceland by Hallgrimur Helgasson (fabulous language! will get back to it, even if the back valleys of old rural Iceland are just about as far from my interests as can be). Hotwire by Simon Ings (in Finnish; more brutal than I expected, hard to keep up, but interesting). Making Money by Terry Pratchett (the first 50 pages feel tired more than anything else, but I guess it'll be swallowed easily enough).

Been trying to get to movies for ages, but never seem to get around to it, for one reason or another (mostly, the blasted tiredness). Hoping this will change, as there are several good movies I'm determined to see. Meanwhile, have been trying to catch films on TV, and seem to be getting a regular watcher of "Grey's Anatomy" (for which, of course, one should be properly ashamed - but it is rather good, really). Also, have been waxing nostalgic over "Michel Strogoff" ("Tsaarin kuriiri" on Teema - adorable memories from early childhood! And then there's the new French soap on TV2 I should watch for language - but I haven't really got into it yet. My French does seem to be on a slight mend, as far as that goes.

Other causes of joy: Stephen Fry has a blog ("Life is complete", as Patrick Nielsen Hayden said). There are rather credible rumours of another Firefly/Serenity movie. And even if that one isn't really happening, Topsu's Firefly RPG, unexpectedly, still is!