30 Sep 07: Fighting Chances

Still tired and generally weak and achy - shoulders in particularly painful state - but grinding and bearing, for a change. Occasionally even feeling energetic and pushing forward. Wrote several important emails to get on with studies; got a nice answer to the most important one almost immediately. Made it to the study group meeting and even managed not to go into pieces there. Have made a tentative schedule for the rest of the studies, and it seems doable, as long as I get to the doing without delay and keep at it with reasonable routine.

Also applied for a larp despite doubting whether I would get in, which is good (no more giving up on things because it's possible they might not work out!). Persevered with the plan of a day trip to the EK autumn event, felt good about being able to share it with another fellow depression sufferer (and to make it possible for them to go at all), had a nice time. Participated in the first meeting to plan on a rerun of a really cool, classic larp (I'm just helping, but I feel rather excited about the project, even so!). Visited the SCA Sunday circle and caught up with the rest of the local officers, to let them know I'm back in business. Saw P&P while returning their car (which I had on loan for the event trip). All in all, been communicative and mostly plucky if still occasionally tired.

Let's see if I can keep with it.

24 Sep 07: Health Worries

(Very early) Something does not seem to be right, and I mean physically. I keep being endlessly sleepy, despite feeling much better mentally; I don't have much appetite (which is really weird) or then I'm just so weak that I can't even be bothered to go shop for groceries. At all. And if I do anything, I get shivers, and on Thursday I thought I was coming down with yet another flu, because I had temperature and really bad, really prickly shivers. But this does not feel like a flu. It feels like I have an infection of some sort, but I'm not really hurting anywhere as such. Teeth? Or maybe, despite best hopes, moisture-fault symptoms?

Will have to get oneself pushed and prodded to go check on this. Can't go on sleeping for eighteen hours a day!

22 Sep 07: Those Occasional Valentines From Dreams

Had one of those lovely, special dreams last night, after a long while with nothing but confused wanderings through the landscapes of my own mind - seemingly significant, but thin and flat, leading into nowhere. No, this one had it all: having an affair with both Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood (together, yes, certainly! a grown woman's entitled to intricate imagination, no?), while also visiting a truly exciting urban-fantasy larp and even proper, flattering attention from certain real-life people that I've totally given up on. Most of all, again, the overall mood made even insignificant events feel special - that *I* was special, and that I was worthy of special attention, and that the world, for this little while, was moved to give it to me.

It was very sweet. It's funny - dreams like this leave just about the same sort of good feeling as an actual nice date with someone one doesn't really end up fancying but does appreciate. In a warm, slightly lightened mood.

As if I actually began to deserve positive attention.

I guess I'm learning, finally.

(Or, states the upper gallery in unison, maybe this current incarnation of the Dreamlord just gets around a lot... But even so, wouldn't it still be quite special, to be even a casual date of Morpheus? It's not like there's a limited amount of him to go around, after all.)

21 Sep 07: Trying To Reach Out

I need to say something. I need you. You, my friend. All of my friends. Yes, you too, who are not quite sure if we are friends or just acquaintances - if you want to. Because I've slid so far into my own slow time that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to paddle back all the way, at least not without help, and my voice doesn't carry as far and well over this water as I'd like it to do.

I need you to help me get back to daily rhythm, to keep to daily life, until it sticks. It will; I know I can do it, but I need the help of routine, of appointments and lunches and walks and stuff, and of understanding when (even now) they don't always come to be. They will; I will get better with time management and with energy and with daring. But I need the prodding, yet, for now.

And I need you to - to need me. To understand that I've become so used to such a slow life, a life of not-moving, a life that just floats past, that I don't have good practice in keeping up with friendships - that I care, I care an awful lot, and that I want to reach out, reach back to you. I will get better with this, as well, but I need you to reach my way, too. And need me, too. I want to give back. I want to break the slowing-spell around my existence. Please forgive me for fumbling while I try to do that. I will get better; be a better friend, as well.

I need your help with it, for now.

19 Sep 07: Get A Grip, Now!

Okay. This has gone on long enough. My daily rhythm is completely upside down, and has been so both through the flu and after it! I haven't been able to straighten it, and therefore it's been far too easy to not get anything done. Including shopping, laundry, or taking care of my health. Or seeing yet another friend (Heli) before she goes abroad for a year!! But now I'm finally fed up with myself. I think. Or out of books, so no more excuses left. (That, for those not inclined to self-doubt, was a comment from the back booth, where the cheering gallery of No Fine still lurks, to ever boo the Countess of Fine/No Fine, just to keep her from Not Getting Above Herself).

And I think I figured out why I drove myself - again - to continue one of these fugues after a genuine bad spell. See, I agreed to do a hobby thing, and then just didn't get it done. Because I just didn't get started, as usual - because I was too afraid I wouldn't be able to make it good, and there would be so much work, and then even so it would probably not be good and... See? Stupid and needless. But also stupid and needless to keep on dithering about something like that and hoping one would magically get the ability to do it (even better, to have done it) when one was still recovering from a slump and a flu.

I will have to learn to say "Sorry, this thing isn't going to happen" instead of just letting it not happen and stressing about it all the time, using all my energy for something needless!!

So, I will officially stop trying to get this particular hobby thing done. It may happen later, or something like it may happen later, because it was the sort of a thing I think I should be able to do (naturally, or it would not have become this sort of a prolonged stress issue). But it won't happen now. So no more guilt, and therefore - dammit, back to life!

There's also other hobby stuff that I sort of was afraid to get back to, but now that this other load has been clearly separated from those, I feel pretty much okay about getting back to that.("That" being small SCA duties.)

I've had lots of thoughts during these otherwise useless days - not important thoughts; thoughts on fannish matters and other such things - but I haven't even dared to set them down for the fear that someone would notice I'm functional and communicative and ask about getting stuff done...

(So what woke me up? Missing that much-anticipated flamenco course in Spanish for the second time. Stupid, stupid me! It's not like opportunities just repeat, or hang in wait for me to stop dithering and start grabbing them!

I really, really, really am starting to want a different format to this diary. But what would be good, again? I need to be able to divide things under different headings, and I need it to support scands, because I want to write in Finnish, too. Actually, LiveJournal seems damn simple and useful, but as always, I'm reluctant to go for the "common" option. All the friends I imagine are knowledgeable about these things use vuodatus or blogspot or something. Besides, I am against the principle of filtering entries to only some readers. That's not what I've set out to do.

Anyway. About those fandom matters. (...I got distracted for a while, because Mike was being amusing on TV!) (And pretty well, too!)

So. I've been reading some fanfic, again, and wondering about what I like and don't like. It's funny how one has one's own vision of everything, and how that vision may be very definite, or then again, very expansive. Take "Firefly", for example: I can't for the life of me see the "rampant slash possibilities" that abound in the fan fiction written about it - to my eyes, the men in particular are, in their own different ways, just about as heterosexual as can be. On the other hand, "Firefly" is one of the few fandoms where I can be bothered to read so-called "gen" fiction - stories that are not focused on who gets together with whom (let's face it, romance is what we mostly crave about the characters we fixate on!).

...I tried to start listing all of the fandoms in which I read stories, and what sort of stories, but it turned out impossibly long and boring. Maybe some other time.

13 Sep 07: Determinedly Being Entertained

Guess I'm getting to be sort of back in one piece. After last week's rant I did one more difficult and important thing, marched to the pedagogics department and asked help. And the secretary lady was incredibly helpful, encouraging, and all-knowing, and the whole huge knot of problems turned out not to be so huge, after all!

After that, I've been fighting an autumn flu while still trying to fulfill my roleplaying quota. Dr. Klütz on Friday was quite entertaining - without the overactive gorilla NPC it would have been even more slick and surprising, but even this way, it was fun and eventful, and the good guys won, as everyone escaped. I hear the GMs fine-tuned things a bit for Saturday, and so the other group got to see the fantastic uber-crab prop as it was intended to be used (we just got a special demonstration after the game was over). But the food was excellent, things ran smoothly, the characters were interesting... I only wish I could sometimes enjoy a dramatic in-game romance, for a change! But that can't be dictated, really - it happens if it happens. And it was so nice to visit that group of friends/acquaintances.

Ari's new Star Wars tabletop campaign was most entertaining as well - the first session was eventful, fast-paced and seemed to work, at least with this group combo (I'm a little hesitant to see how it works when one more player is added, as five worked so much more satisfyingly than I expected...). I'm really looking forward to more of it! It's always special to play in the Star Wars world.

The rest of the time, I've been trying to rid myself of the flu, and it seems to be working, or at least starting to. I've read loads and loads of fiction (naturally, when I should be reading for my studies). The Gallows Thief by Bernard Cornwell was a relatively quick read, and I can honestly recommend it - intriguing and interesting and satisfying. The Time Traveler's Wife was good, though not quite as good as the hype had lead me to believe (nothing ever is, it seems), but well worth the effort, anyway. Very skillful, a surprisingly easy read. Now I'm reading On Beauty by Zadie Smith and liking it, at least so far - which makes me glad, as I couldn't get into White Teeth at all.

I also found this year's Hugo nominees on-line and trampled through them - I say trampled, because I was rather disappointed at this year's batch. Not good enough - not marvelous, not surprising, not interesting. Yeah yeah, I know the stock answer is that I should write some better, then, and I know it's not as easy as it looks. But they really weren't that much fun. And too few women authors, and too little fantasy (not that I mind sci-fi at all, as long as it's good). Too little literary stuff anyway. I'm sure there are better stories out there.

Should try and find some more sci-fi literature blogs to read, to keep up with what's what.

05 Sep 07: Persistent Neuroses

I hate mornings. That one hasn't changed. I loathe mornings with the fire of a thousand suns. And not only the moment of having to get up (and that one has actually gotten a little bit easier than it was at the times of real crisis), and not only the desperate search for something to wear that would be clean, neat and bearable on myself when I look into the mirror (and even that has got a bit shorter: it doesn't necessarily have to last three quarters of an hour and still end disastrously), and not only the walk to the train where one never leaves early enough and needs to run and hurry and feel that horrible raw breath in one's throat... No, I loathe it all. I loathe getting my hair into some semblance of acceptability; or knowing I should do that but feeling it would take too much effort and therefore guiltily not doing anything. I loathe the city in the morning, particularly autumn mornings. I loathe the rush, the air, the loads of people, the demands of fitting in and being a cog in the machine. I loathe even the sun and the fresh smell: it all asks too much, is too perky and bright and pushy.

And it makes me even more resentful that I feel like this, because my default state - my healthy state - is one of loving the air and the sun and the beauty of the world around me. And I don't. I can't. I loathe mornings, and I don't see that changing soon.

But even so, I was up this morning - didn't give in to the need to go to bed after an unslept night, trying to straighten the schedule. I was up, I got out, I got to the city, and I returned those library books that were scandalously late. I did something I'd been avoiding, and that is good.

Doesn't make me like this morning any more, even so.

04 Sep 07: Meanwhile, Confessions Of A Costume Junkie

I've spent a lot of time during the past couple of days seeking and scrutinising photos of Dragoncon, held just this past weekend. I have to admit it, I love costuming. Good costuming, that is - well-made and real-looking and something that has a great concept and that fits the wearer. And I know I'm an old stuffy geezer who just doesn't get most of anime costuming, because I really like the costume to be something that could actually be worn - you know, for some strange reasons of fashion development, actually exist? But surely one could disagree on the stylistics of that with me. I do have a weakness for elaborate costumes, myself... I love bling. And I love it when someone does a really lifelike impression of a book character. And I admire and envy all those girls in great shape that actually have bothered to do costuming (as opposed to just throwing on a bikini or a bellydancer outfit and going there for the single purpose of posing for those horny geeks that proliferate the cons in their birth country).

And now I want more costumes for myself. But I do have a problem of conscience for making costumes just for the sake of making them, so I really, really want more interesting games to wear stuff to! I want somewhere to wear really extravagant faerie stuff again - I haven't had the opportunity for years! And I want basic fantasy, where I can wear practical garb that still would not quite fit in the SCA (such as leather corset vests and high boots). And it would be cool to try and make myself frightfully ugly, scarred or inhuman-looking or something - make the whole costume look utterly frightening or pity-inducing. And - and - I want more fantastic games!!

Oh dear. And right when I should be concentrating on anything else besides costuming or games or events.

But it's all so much fun!

03 Sep 07: Thoughts On Social Compatibilities, Or Something

So, since I've been a little lax at reporting (which is true), and since I couldn't manage anything on Friday, the Masters course teacher sent me an email asking if I really want to be in the group at all. Well, how am I going to say this? Yes, and no. I definitely, definitely want to be in the program and am highly motivated to finishing it. But do I want to meet the group of other people on the course? Nope. Because several of them are at least as wounded as I am and much more defensive - either prickly or cold, and I take badly to both, particularly to men who are prickly and women who are cold, as they mostly seem to be. It's clear more than one of those really don't want to trust me any more than I want to trust them. And that is the big word: trust. Why should I need to open myself to people who are hostile to me? I have enough trouble in trying to dare life as it is, I don't need to make myself more vulnerable! I want to choose who to open to, and I should have that right.

Yes, there are nice people on the course as well. Yes, there are some who probably could be nice if I persevered more, but why should I use up my limited energy for something tangential like that? Why couldn't I just concentrate on the studies?

One could argue that forming more social relationships is a good thing, but in my case, as I've noted before, it isn't. I have enough work in trying to uphold the ones I have - there are too many already, anyway, and worrying about how to be enough to keep them all, because I desperately want to, is quite the limit of what I have to give to other people.

Okay. So. I guess this is what I have to say to her. But also that of course I damn well want to stay in the program, so if it requires meeting these people, then I have to do that. But I would like to minimise the interaction, anyway.

Then, to a completely different matter. Even though I could not make it to the Investiture last weekend, which really makes me sad, I am hoping to be able to visit the other medieval society's next big party, in about a month. Now some could read this as defection, but it's not about that at all. First of all, it didn't even occur to me to think of that party until Lin asked if I might make it a trip with her Mom, so we could share a car. Second, a lot of people are starting to see the sense in these two societies cooperating instead of competing. And third - well, this gets into my social hangups, again.

See, EK is much less stressful for me: I just visit there to meet friends and play at a larp-like medieval dressup. But the SCA is important to me. It's where I want to belong. And so, sometimes, it gets too much for me to... to measure up to. I so much want to - and then it gets too big and too important, and makes me nearly crumble. (Nearly - but this time, all the way, because of the predecing, surprising and frightening study stress; it wouldn't have happened without it, really. But it did happen, and part of it was the stress of Not Measuring Up; of not having prepared the stuff I wanted to prepare for my contribution to the atmosphere, and had promised to prepare.)

Yes, obviously I should not give in to this feeling, but should just concentrate on enjoying the SCA as well. But the thing is, it doesn't happen by itself. We all need to cotribute, or there's no fun at all. And I hadn't done what I had planned to, and what I could do. My thing is performing, and I was not in a shape to perform (and some other sort-of-performing stuff I had not been asked to do). I didn't look like a performer, either. My job is to entertain, and I can't do that if I don't look entertaining. I knew I should be there to help Moira, but in the end I failed to overcome my disappointment in myself to be able to do that duty, and for that I am sorry, and tried to apologise properly. I hate it that I could not, but, well. I just couldn't. It's not just about feeling ugly; I couldn't even think of packing or any sort of practical arrangements, particularly after the car arrangements didn't work out (and that was my fault, too).

Now call me a self-centered bitch. I guess I deserve it.

But anyway, that's why, at least at the moment, EK is easier for me. Not that I plan to move there - like I said, I love SCA. But, well, I have to get myself back together, and unfortunately, some pieces came apart right before this Investiture. I will probably be sorry for missing it the rest of my life.

02 Sep 07: Working Towards Recovery Of The Lapse

So, I did manage to get myself together for long enough to drop Moira's cotes - the old green one and the new gold one - to the Investiture site on Saturday morning. I didn't want to see anyone or explain anything, but since Moira had not noticed my text messages, I had to wait for her for a while... and besides, I'd promised myself I would stay long enough to stitch her into the gold silk cote, anyway, provided she wanted me to. Well, we did that, and it fit perfectly, which was great, considering it was done with not a single fitting (but with the green one as a pattern, and that one had been fitted and fiddled with quite a lot). So I'm glad I was able to accomplish at least that. It was weird and sad to be there and not be there, really, but that could not be helped now.

At home, I slept, and slept better than in a long while. Then I just lounged around and let myself be. Today, Heli came to have tea and offer sympathy, and that was good, too. Tomorrow, I hope to be okay enough to go and deal with the explanations and timetables for study things. It won't have to take very long, and then I can go to Mom's place and let her offer me more tea and cookies and pamper me in general.

I hope things will be heading for better after that.