You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

29 Aug 03: Flu Hammer

No amount of preventive care was enough: the flu hit full-force today. I have been unable to leave for Mallusjoki, or even be of much help with the cleaning. People have come and gone, picking up things (Mom's dress, the cakes), and I just stumble through everything, trying not to faint.

Have to get back to the kitchen again. I can manage about twenty minutes of light housework, and then I need a rest.

Who is reading me in Germany??

Right. The heroic task of vacuuming the kitchen took the rest of my feeble strength, and now it's back to bed.

I realized today that yesterday was the anniversary of this diary. I am ambivalent about the whole deal. On one hand, things are much more hopeful than they were a year ago, the best part being that I've learned that I still have friends, and some people have perhaps learned more about whether they feel like being my friends or not. I have also made some new friends due to opening up about the depression, and that is a pleasure and a gift. Furthermore, I have medication and therapy. However, I can't really see much actual progress in my own state. I still haven't been able to get on top of the money matters; I still haven't reapplied for University (okay, the wedding's been a pretty good excuse, but not good enough); I still haven't lost weight; I still can't find any worth in myself. Looking at these facts, I suppose it's only good that I haven't even had the opportunity for any sort of a serious relationship - no-one should be burdened with a loser of this magnitude, and it could only have ended badly.

I am terribly afraid of tomorrow and all those strangers forming their first impression of me, fat and alone...

(Later, during the party) Typical. Have just received quite an infodump on matters that were very good to know before committing oneself fully to changing gears. So, old obsession, here I come back to the chains in the stony wall.

And I'm feeling miserable, ovbiously.

(Even later, again) Huh. Much better. Sauna-ed with Lissu et al, and now feel tired and happily relaxed - may even be able to face all those people tomorrow. I don't know how Lissu does it, but she always makes me feel much calmer and more positive. Thank you, dear, dear friend.

We've been squeeing fangirlishly (what a horrible neo-word) over this picture from, presumably, close to the end of the ROTK film. There is a definite, feverish undertone to the squeeing, and it's probably going to rise in pitch every week that we have to wait until the premier... (Oh, then there are all those gorgeous pictures of Aragorn... and the heartbreaking images of a broken, desperate Frodo... *weee* *eeehh*)

I just can't see how I can manage the waiting.

(And don't you dare to mention the obvious now!)

28 Aug 03: Still Flu-ish

Should have been up early and active... Instead, head weighed a ton, throat felt weird, and sleep hung on to me too tightly. Now it's late afternoon, and I'm feeling a bit better, so I suppose it's time to get to work.

At Anni's urging, put up the Finnish words to "Belle" (the dance for three pairs at the Gypsy scene of the Ropecon gala). They're rather different from the original lyrics, as that one was sung by all the men enamoured of Esmeralda, and I wanted to make it more generic. I was trying to twist them into a declaration of desire in general, but I don't know... I'll admit that some parts of the song are rather personal. I couldn't help it - when I was stumped, I had to rely on what I knew; how I felt...

No time to write about personal matters now. Need to go get stuff for the cakes I promised to make. There's also a party here tomorrow night, so I need to help with the cleaning-up for what time I have.

Not that there's any personal matters to write about. Just silly little thoughts.

(Later, at night) The cakes are done; I didn't even manage to burn them, which is a relief. There is still sewing to do. I'll be leaving for the wedding site tomorrow afternoon, and I have no idea what I myself am going to wear. Mom called me today and panicked about her dress, as she had heard that Paula's mother is wearing something very different in style to hers. I think I was a little sharp with her - with all the time, money and trouble that has gone into the skirt and top, and with the jacket being as beautiful as it is, and a gift from Olli to boot, I can't see what the problem is!

But enough of that. I was sitting here doing nothing, when I suddenly saw how bloody August managed to fool me again. No magic? No shivers? Right... and here we are, once more, out of our minds. I mean, out of my mind. And me thinking I was so clever in my pessimism...

Not that these shivers will amount to anything anyway. They never do. I'm not enough; that's been proven countless times.

But at least I know the timeless song is still there, calling for my heart.

Another random thought: if there are indefinite spaces that all open into each other like the L-space of all libraries in Pratchett's books, then surely the forest is one such, at least for us. After all, there never was a time or a place here in Finland that was not forest (except in Pohjanmaa, and they're all crazy there anyway). It has always been our life and our shelter and our danger and our death. It's our true mythological womb and fountain of knowledge, and we still carry it anywhere we go. Don't you feel it in you? Don't you know the Neverwhere, the Lavondyss, right there beyond the veil of trees at the edge of the field or the road or the town? It is in our blood and our soul - we are too far already to step through that veil and be anywhere it reaches; but still close enough to sense it, to sense the connections...

The Office of Sarcasm at the back of my head wishes to note that I am clearly writing all this purple prose only to make an impression in the faint hope that Some People would happen to read it...

"Ever the Queen of Fine/No Fine". ((C) Carrie Fisher, but it applies to me now as much as five or ten years ago.)

...And finally, the inevitable attempt at verse:

How do you know when
the wind whispers your name and then
that of another?

How do you know when
to look into the earth and read a face there,
unveiled only that very moment
in the leaves, the grasses, ever after?

How do you know when
the language of the stars, for a breath,
for a beat, becomes clear
and spells out a name and a voice?

How do you know when
your own face becomes strange,
takes on the edges of another soul
and is never the same again?

How do you know

when your fate turns?

(One day I'm going to choke on my own sarcasm, whether I want it or not.)

27 Aug 03: Flu-ish

When I finally got to sleep, it was really hard to get up, and after I got home from a fitting with Mom, I went back to sleep.

Not much else. Oh, ran into an old SCA friend on the train home; was pleased to hear that people are pleased about my going to the event.

Need to do a lot tomorrow. Hope not to get worse with the bug.

Had a bad moment today, when driving to Mom's place. That darned song, "Rakkaus on lumivalkoinen" was on the radio, and I got to thinking about P&P's wedding, the total breakup with Tommi, and how I never seem to be able to have a good, proper relationship. I just screw everything up, even the one that was supposed to be the Real Thing - even after it was over. No, I didn't manage to end that one positively either.

I really don't think I'll be good enough for anyone decent, ever.

26 Aug 03: Drowning In Dreams

Good grief, what a LOTR dream! It just went on and on... Or, more accurately, a ROTK dream. The waiting is getting to me already... The dream skirted on being a LARP every now and then, but managed not to get there completely, and boy, was it strange!

I've been sleeping continuously after the weekend: I think I got a flu bug there.

(In the afternoon) That dream just keeps on messing with my head.

I find it difficult to believe that it is Tuesday already. Shouldn't be, but as I said, I slept from midnight Sunday until evening yesterday, and then went back to sleep pretty soon due to a headache and a cold. Today I feel a lot more energetic, and I hope to slide the bug off easily.

Have to get back to work on Mom's skirt and top.

I think I definitely have a crush. Bloody hell. Words keep streaming behind my conscious vision; just too far away for me to catch them. Contact. Connection. Impossible, as always. Perhaps I should just deal with this as a crush on a story and talk about it. With the object, that is. But I don't want to; I don't want to hear the inevitable: "Yes, of course, it happens, though not to me this time, so you need to get rid of it." That would be the best, of course, but I still don't want to hear it. I don't want not-to-be-loved again, again...

That ROTK dream probably has a lot to do with this; or then again, maybe it just reflects my mood. It was very romantic and desperate and emotional - and I mean relationship-wise. Mostly, it concerned events that happened after Sauron was defeated in Mordor, but not killed, so he fled to the deep north, where he had some sort of an Angband II set up just in case. Thus the defence was shifted to the north, too. And that's only where the storyline began... No, I'm not going to relate it all; would not be able to describe the undercurrents anyway.

(Later, again) Yeah, crush, definitely: I found strange reserves of energy for fiddling with my pages. However, the reserves ran dry by the time I had to start uploading images for the larp page, which really is in great need of improvement.

I have to deal with this somehow.

By the way, I decided my conclusion was worth sticking to, and told Tommi my decision not to include him in my soul's family any more. I don't think he understood or believed me (I don't know which). Even more proof of the necessity.

(Far into the small hours) Another symptom: can't sleep. *tsk*

25 Aug 03: Frustration In The Future

Went to"Etäasema Dakota" in Turku. It had a lot of problems typical for beginning GM's (such as overly optimistic scheduling that could not possibly work and then worked even less well). Still, it turned out quite entertaining, in the end, and I had a good overall game experience.

I was terribly tired, though, and I'm plagued by this irritable and unsatisfied feeling I often have after larps nowadays. I just want to sleep and see if it persists tomorrow.

I think I might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in the Temple Of The Certain Someone, as I think I have a slight crush on someone else. It's no more sensible and even less possible than the longing for The C.S., and I'm not even sure I will admit to it tomorrow - I'll probably have caught myself at the collar with reason, as in any case this would be just another one of falling for the charm of someone _everyone_ finds charming. So, probably not.

I've quite forgotten to mention this: Ari, the blessed, blessed friend, promised to become my personal trainer for the autumn, to get me into shape!!

22 Aug 03: Dilemmas And Details

Is it possible to kick a person out of the Inner Sanctum? Is it allowed?

You see, if someone I loved, and still love, simply will not accept me as a person, but keeps again and again trying roundabout ways of bending me to their way and their world; their will; or failing that, hurting me deliberately again and again... does such a person deserve my unfailing loyalty? If after repeated attempts to make them understand the difference between codependence and individuality; between Other and Self; that division simply won't come clear to them... do I still owe it to them to be available if need be?

I'm starting to think that Tommi does not deserve that place any more. I'm completely frustrated over attempts to be friends, or even casual acquantainces that catch up with each other's lives occasionally, when after more than four years he simply will not get over the bad stuff in the past. Good grief, he expected me to get over the fact that he physically abused me for more than a year in about half a year! He keeps coming back to the same questions again and again: "What do you want of me, when you don't want to be with me and you are such a bad person that I loathe you and can't appreciate you as a friend anyway?"

Hm. Now that I put it that way it seems pretty clear to me. I think it is time to say goodbye even to the memory of what was beautiful. I can't be played about by someone who thinks I am a bad person simply because I am not 100% heterosexual and because I will not judge friends based on their sexual preferences or sleeping arrangements.

I don't want to do this, but I guess it's inevitable by now.

Dakota preparations have been somewhat stressful in this house, and I still think I know too little of everything. There's too much background material, and too little personal material - such as information on who wrote my character and who play my contacts! I've found out some of them, but not all. And, for example, I play a character who is owed a lot of money by a many people, and I don't have a list of those people, far less who plays them! Well, we'll see how it works out in the end. At least I found really nice pants at the second-hand store to go with my purple jacket.

I asked Anni to cut my hair, and it's pretty short again... The funny, and pleasant, thing is, it's now grown so even in length that it seems home cuts won't do any more - it looks blockily uneven, no matter how good the home barber. How fabulous. I have hair on my head again, not just a dry tangle of sticks. And it's really surprising that the bleaching has done so little damage - practically none that I can see.

21 Aug 03: Back To Nonexistence

Slept, slept, didn't want to get up. Went back to sleep. Finally had to stumble back to the lands of day, as Mari came to borrow clothes and Laura H. props for Calbourne II. Actually ended up socializing with people a bit. Even studied some of the material for EAD, which is a definite plus. Also got ride arranged.

But nothing else.

I feel so insecure it's a joke.

20 Aug 03: Not Useless, But It Doesn't Help

Paula's polttarit. Arranged for an agent adventure in the afternoon, much in the style (except smaller) of that fantastic birthday party given to me a couple of years ago by Anni and the Greywolves. Arranged it all yesterday night, all thanks to Ari's enthusiastic help. Great thanks also go to Jukka, Antti K., Antti H., Laura, Irrette, Ari's friend Aleksi and Janos for agreeing to take part and being altogether wonderful. Not that it was even the biggest surprise of the day: Paula was sent to Tallinn by a helicopter at nine am on a mission to record several things. She was back by one, then we had lunch, and then the Men In Black came to get her. Sauna, Tupperware and lots of fabulous food followed.

I got home in the purpose of being useful and sewing. Instead, I ended up doing nothing, as usual, and then watched episodes 7.6 and 7.7 of Buffy. Number seven was terrifying, the only Buffy episode that has actually scared me so much I wasn't sure I could deal with it alone. All it takes is the tried and tested trick with the eyes, especially the eyes of some ...thing purporting to be a loved one of (one or more of) the principals. I just can't deal with that. (What trick? Oh, practically anything. "Blind", white eyes, or empty eyesockets - those are the worst.)

I'm actually afraid of voices outside the living-room window and porch. I had to call for the dog to come stay next to me while I write (I'm still on the living-room computer).

On the way home I tried to put into words my disappointment, disenchantment and despair with this particular August. The words vanished on the wind even when composed. It's all useless. I am not getting any better, or even if I am, marginally, not enough for it to matter. And this is already with all the help there can possibly be. And all the magic is gone, and this August is moored at the pier, its cargo consisting of iron and concrete and copyink and cold demands, and the stars are distant and indifferent.

And I am so fat. I looked at myself in the mirror at the party and hated what I saw. Then, here at home, I perused Ilendil's pictures of Ropecon. I look monstrous: so weird, and stubby and tubby as anything. I will never change. Never. No matter how hard I try, how long I plan, I will never get to looking at least bearable, and it will only get worse as time passes and age accumulates. I have too many bad days and too few good days; too little money; too much need of food; too much need of sleep; too much fear of going out; too much fear of exercise. I actually fear the pain. And it all grows out of proportion, when I know I won't be up to the challenge anyway. I know it already at the start; then I sometimes manage to fool myself long enough to do something where I just make myself into a fool (like Ropecon this year)... and then it all collapses into its own impossibility again.

And - the final pits I noticed on the way home - I can't even entertain the idea of an out for now. Not until the wedding is over; it would just be too... everything. And it really bugs me. Not that I would necessarily do anything - I haven't so far, ever, not really - but that the idea is flat-out Not Allowed for the next two weeks takes out the consoling thought of my last escape route and makes me feel like a trapped wild mongrel.

I am Quasimodo. And I won't be able to live with that knowledge.

19 Aug 03: Still Too Useless

Got up too far into the afternoon to get anything done before going to meet Mom. Went to town, spent busy hours in the fabric stores, picked this gorgeous old-gold yellow for her skirt and got a lovely piece of forest green silk-wool mix for my troubles. Had dinner at Satkar. Met Ari for coffee later and suddenly decided to make Plans for an interesting episode in the future of someone else. Busy evening furthering said plans.

Didn't get all that cleaning done, but at least some of it. Lots and lots of laundry to do. And sewing? Oh dear. I hope tomorrow I'll be more energetic. I want to get those costumes for Topi and Heli done for next weekend!

And I have no idea what I am going to wear for Dakota myself... nor have I had the determination to sit down and go through the questions that I have on my character for my GM.

I don't seem to be achieving much.

18 Aug 03: Useless, Useless, Useless

Didn't do anything yesterday. Slept, read, slept, was lazy. Planned to watch a film on TV, ended up walking in occasionally and getting an update on the plot from Kalle, who did watch it. Slept. Oh, and ate. And ate.

Today, slept some more. Had fantastic adventures in dreams, two of which I remember particularly well. In the first one, I travelled to the Moon with Dad, who had become an astronaut in his old age; Moon research had become hands-on again, after thirtysomething years. The trip took a couple of hours, so you could be a Moon researcher or a pilot as your day job, but it was still pretty rare and special. Or at least I thought so, until we got to the Moon, and there was an intercultural market fair... The other dream was about a fantasy LARP in Savonlinna (NOT in Olavinlinna castle, though) in which I played a gypsy seer; it was part of a campaign for which I had written characters, but for some reason one of the GMs had forbidden any of my characters from coming to this particular game. Finding out what that was about before the game; and then the game itself; and then the afterparty and going to the health centre to see if my persistent cough and fever was something that should be dealt with; made for an extremely long, clear and detailed dream. And for once I had the sort of soap opera stuff that I want in my characters - too bad it was only in a dream!

When I finally managed to come back to light, I pottered around for a while and then took the car to Mom's place to brainstorm about what she should wear for P&P's wedding. We'll continue tomorrow, once we get to raid all the fabric stores in the city (whatever it turns out to be, I will be making at least some if it). I didn't get home until pretty late, as we sauna'ed and had tea and stuff - and again, I ended up with some face creams and some underwear that Mom has no use for. Now, more uselessness. I had planned to do some sewing while watching videos, but somehow time just whooshed by, and now it's two am once more.

Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm going to clean up my room, that one's for certain! And as that isn't a project undertaken lightly, it will probably take me most of the day. Sewing is definitely in order as well.

I got an email today that could almost be categorized as an "interested" note - I can't figure any other reason for it as it was, really. Okay, so I've said I'm open to such, and I am, really. It's just... Well... Uh... Oh, never mind. Nothing. Forget I said this. Really. Move along.

Janka complained about people she reads not being listed on pinseri's blog list. I thought about this again, and I can't really see it being much use in my case even now, when it doesn't so much feel like a question of looking for publicity any more. First, this is definitely not a blog. This is a diary with very few links, or comments on current issues. Even if I comment on issues or people, I generally expect my readers to know what I am talking about already, as I am never that early with anything (I can form opinions in an eyeblink, and often do, but it takes me an awful lot of time to put the bases of those opinions into words that follow the rules of good argumentation - this is the main reason why I consider myself somewhat not-bright), and as the people I mention are either easily found by name, or not on the Net at all, at least in any comprehensive capacity. Second, I update in basic HTML, by hand. And third, I don't like random people coming in without reading the introductory page of the diary, so I don't want to put the actively updated page into the link, and so pinseri would not notice updates. In any case I don't want unnecessary clutter on my diary page. I do not have a definitive blog site; I have homepages which include my public diary. I don't even particularly like the look of blog frontpages.

Of course I could add stuff about my current reading, or the blogs or diaries I notice myself following, and I may do so, too. But I am pretty certain they will not be in the typical blog-and-sidebars form.