You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

14 Feb 03: Chained by a Cliche

Have been rather shaken today, "...to fall/rise into whirlwind and never to stop", as I put it in one of the texts still hidden in the echoing caves of the hard drive. Today's topic is, aptly enough, love.

Or desire. How could I tell?

I know how to keep it in the leash, yes - but the control also requires for me to be chained, to be held down, to feel the cold stone touch my neck and my back and my hands, alternately, suddenly. It is not unpleasant, not all the time. It is cool and even and eternal, the surface of the heart-stone. But the chains are heavy and occasionally, uncomfortable. I cannot twist and turn, for that would show. I cannot cry out, for that would be heard.

And I will rather stay in these chains, with this desire at the other end, than let them go. I'm not even sure I have a choice. Not as I am, who I am, what I am right now.

I live with this knowledge all the time, but today I've actively experienced it for quite a long stretch of time, so I can hopefully be forgiven a little venting.

More prosaically, we found a fantastic game location - though not for Faerun III, but for something else entirely. It's been a rather social evening, though a lot of it has been spent in a moving car.

And my lazy bones definitely feel the benefit of walking the dog.

On something else completely: one of my grand-aunts, my Grandmother's sisters, died yesterday. She was old, and had had a full life, but it is still sad. All the four sisters were still close, but Aunt Kapo and my Grandma in particular. They used to call each other twice a day, every day, for the past several years. I called Grandma today, and now I really hope to see her in two weeks.

May God give her strength, and Aunt Kaino peaceful rest.

13 Feb 03: Confused and Confouded

What is it with me that I can never write character preferences in game applications so that others understand them?

Later You see, once more I managed to get a character in Maahinkainen's game that makes me uncomfortable. What is wrong with me? How come I always blow it with their application forms?

I'm going, anyway - I wouldn't want to miss the game, no matter what. But my enthusiasm is somewhat dampened, which is sad.

I wrote more letters to cajole people into the Faerun larp (and my group, of course). There's still room, though.

I'll be home alone most of the weekend - everybody else is going somewhere, and I promised to take care of the dog. So if any friend or acquaintance is reading this, feel free to drop by to brighten my days. Call first - my phone is working again, thanks to lovely people who just won't let go of me.

Well, at least taking care of Jero will force me up, out and moving.

12 Feb 03: Of Possible Progress, Human Stupidity and Of Game Plans

*Yawn*. Awake in the small hours, as usual. Been doing the second stage in the research for possible game sites for the Faerun III game: narrowing down possibilities. Atte is supposed to work out a time to go and see a place this week, with Kalle's car (whom I've decided to call Sif from now on - the explanation is as silly as such explanations always are, so for your own sanity, don't ask). If that place is good, all the better... though I fear it's not quite what this game needs. Time is getting short, however, and almost anything is better than wet woodsland in Nuuksio for a battlefield...

I also emailed the people with whom I've talked about characters for the game. I still need a few more players for Purple Dragon Knights (3-4) and War Wizards of Cormyr (3), and I might also write a few clerics and various camp followers (stubborn wives and mothers along to cook and dress wounds, mostly). So anyone who is interested in participating in a Forgotten Realms live-action battlefield game in brisk April wind and wants into my group, feel free to email and be nice. :) (And if you don't want into my group, feel free to email Atte and get something else.)

So, what else is new? Actually, a bit. Petri came over yesterday, cooked for me and made me fill several application forms for social security. And what's more, I did what I should have done in the first place and asked about my old therapist's number in the general phone number service. Worked, too. Should remember that even if something can't be found on the Net, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I called her and left a message, and in the evening called again. She said she was glad to hear from me and that she considered it quite possible to work with me again. She didn't have her scheduling book with her, so we agreed to call again today - though today passed, as my phone doesn't work yet, and no-one happened to be home until very late. But I'll call her tomorrow.

And then it's down to work.

Things might even start sliding towards normality. What a scary thought.

Had the most incredible adventure dreams during my nap in the afternoon. Can't even begin to make a coherent narrative out of them, but they included a lot of escape cars and desperate car chases (the sort where the person driving is not even sitting in the driver's seat), crime organizations, weird medieval- and Oriental-styled milieus, violently unhinged princes and lots and lots of fear and excitement. Have you ever killed anyone with your boot heels before? I have, now. With my eyes closed. In a moving car. It was not nice.

Hm. Maybe I don't have to fear for normality for a while, yet...

I need to get into shape. And finish those costumes I want to get rid of.

I guess it's dreamtime now, though. Apropos dreams, I found scattered pieces of that old fanfiction story where a version of me was the "Mystery Woman" in love with Dream of the Endless that was unknown for a long time (but in "The Kindly Ones" turned out to be Thessaly the witch). I've only got parts of it - the parts that I scribbled down during lectures - the rest is forever lost with the hard drive of my old Amiga. It's irksome... the story had some promise, though curiously enough, the English in it is on a level of competence far lower than my current one (curiously, because at that time I still actively took courses at the English Department). (Only goes to show that taking classes, even at University, is not everything...)

09 Feb 03: Of Dreams, Movies and Of LARP'ing in Olavinlinna

Last night I dreamed that I was in an X-men live-action game. It was held in the ticket lobby of the Tennispalatsi cinema complex, so we had to tell (very politely) a lot of people to take the other doors to buy tickets. There were several dozens of players, as the roles covered every possible time and version of the X-universe, and most of the players seemed to be youngsters I did not know. The GM's were hopelessly unprepared and were still working some unfathomable particulars out, so I tried to order everyone to their own groups and to figure out who was who, to get to know my contacts. For some reason, it proved almost impossible - people didn't know who they were playing; I couldn't hear what they were saying; I couldn't keep the names in my head; not all people were in fighting costume (they were not supposed to be, but it made identification even more difficult). For a while, I lost the grip on who I was supposed to be playing and nearly panicked, but then I remembered, with a huge flow of relief, that of course I had got none other than my favourite, Rachel Summers, Baby Phoenix.

The only other real person that I remember was Anni's friend Tuuli, who was Psylocke (the ninja version), with black hair, appropriate makeup and An Attitude. She completely knocked out me and whoever was playing my best friend (a sort of combination of Gambit, the movie Iceman and (I think) Cypher), when she walked into the lobby and asked if this was where the game was.

Oh, now I remember what I was doing before the X-men game. Being Maid of Honour in two nearly simultaneous weddings, neither of which were those of people I knew well, and both of which were incredibly tasteless affairs. One of the required that I ride a camel to the church door, and in one the bride wanted to change clothes several times during the ceremony - and she had not even decided which clothes were the ones to be changed.

Hm. A dream diary might be in order, after all.

Today I finally had the opportunity to see the movie "Girl, Interrupted", which I wanted to see ever since it came out. It was interesting and messed up with my head a lot. No results of the process yet, though.

I almost forgot to mention how happy I was that I got into Maahinkainen's fantasy game in Olavinlinna on 1 March. It sounds really good, and I have - as implausible as it sounds - already decided on what to wear. Of course I need to work on the dress a little, but still... We're working on the logistics of transport at the moment. Anni, Lin and Lin's little brother are also going, as well as Lissu, and Sanna.

It is so good to be going to a game in Olavinlinna again. Both games in which I've participated there have been special, and I look forward to travelling with Lissu and reminiscing on the former Maahinkainen game there four years ago (four years! unbelievable!). And of course it is convenient to add visiting Grandma to the trip, since she lives about two stone's throws from the castle. I really want to see her.

It's far too late, and I've spent far too much time reading Buffy fanfiction. Another addiction? No, I don't think so. Just some occasional snacking.

My daily schedule is completely screwed once more.

08 Feb 03: Of Sliding, and of Fact and Fiction

I'm in this funk again where I march around the house, frustrated and confused, hoping to write but stopping the words until I get something really exceptional out of them - which of course is something very rare, if I just keep them stewing and fluttering inside this big hollow brain of mine.

And it feels to me like the current dose of medication isn't enough, because again it seems that the depression has actively caught up with whatever little easing or brightening it might have brought about. I sleep far too much, and my eating habits are creeping back to the red area of the meter. I haven't started throwing up yet, but I suppose it's only a matter of time, if this familiar pattern gets another hold.

And I hate emotions and I hate love and I hate desire. Who could desire me in this state and shape? And it never gets any better, no matter how many times I promise myself that this is it; now I will get in shape. And all stories are filled with overwhelming passion, passion to drown into, passion to live for, passion to die for.

I just want to die for a passion that I never even lived for, and that never lived for me.

Scattered notes 1: despite a proper show of resistance, Anni dragged me out of the house last night, to see "Bowling for Columbine" with her and Sanna and Lin. It's a documentary about the American gun culture, and it's fantastic and funny and scary and an absolute must-see. Go, if you haven't already. After, we had a cup of coffee and a bit of gossip and then got home and complained of the lack of more Buffy to watch.

Scattered notes 2: I've been pondering on the pros and cons of a dream diary for some time now. Con: too much trouble. Pro: my dreams are back to the big-budget three-hour-epic celebrity-cameo Technicolor stream-of-consciousness extravaganzas that seem (to me, at least) much more intriguing than my daily life, or lack of same. Well, actually, mostly they're just really long and have more plot twists than an episode of "Oz" (though, luckily, less of a body count). Besides, it might be good for me to try and develop my ability to write concise yet descriptive narratives. It's the one where I have most difficulty.

Scattered notes 3: It adds to the irritation to live without a phone.

Scattered notes 4: I'm rereading "Neverwhere". I want to be able to write like that someday, and that is exactly the style in which I never will be able to write, even if I might write something else that is in some way bearable. It's wonderfully entertaining (and I couldn't be entertaining if my life depended on it, which is sad).

Scattered notes 5: In our big fight of the past week, Anni dropped off a list of several people who, according to her, also see me as "too difficult to be friends with". The list included a few people of whom it truly hurt me to hear that. Naturally, I haven't had the guts to ask them personally if this is actually the case.

Scattered notes 6: What is going on with the Faerun larp, and is it all my fault if nothing is happening?

Scattered notes 7: Oh yes, I almost forgot: put up some stuff on another larp character, Helena from Jori's "Sisäpiiri". Mostly just a small mood piece on the evening of the game.

05 Feb 03: Of Easing Up a Bit, and of Poverty

A little better. Paula spent last evening with me, to keep me in one piece, and today I had had enough time to feel awful to be able to talk to Anni again. There's peace in the house for now.

We'll have to see, again.

The fifth season of Buffy is astonishing. It takes your breath and breaks your heart. (Of course, I can't say if it would do that without having seen every single episode of the history behind it. To me, all that makes it so much more meaningful.) (Hm, I guess that's the point of continuing TV series. Not a big original thought there.)

No money and no phone. Here we go once more. I really don't think how to get out of this. I don't have the courage to go and ask for money anywhere, though I know... no, I don't know that I have a right to basic sustenance.

I don't know.

03 Feb 03: Of Breaking

My musings about lust turned out to be pretty apt for today as well, and not only for me.

Depression update: today, after a while, I seriously considered death, or at least doing something to myself. As usual, I was too much of a coward. So far.

Nothing else.

Pain.

Oh, and just for the knowledge of everyone, so as not to have a false picture of me: today, I read my best friend's private diary.

That's about it. Do with it what you will. I don't care anymore.

02 Feb 03: Of Desire, Self-examination and Other Weekend Fun

Desire is the damnedest thing. There you are, happily resigned to your noble solitude and minding your own longing, and suddenly it jumps from the dark and grabs you by the throat. And it's a persistent bugger, too, hanging on and on once it's got a good hold, no matter how good your peace-of-mind-noble- resignation kung fu has become by now.

I can easily see why lust - we can just as well call it by its proper name, even if it isn't quite flowery enough for the atmosphere of poetry salons - anyway; why lust, despite being so closely connected with love that not all people can even separate the two, can be found filed under "Sin, Deathly" in so many places. Love can see the difference between "like" and "want" and "own". Lust can't. It doesn't help to order it to go to its own room; it'll just go on screaming and whining and begging at the back of your head.

And yet, what other choice is there than to lock it up and hope it gives up sooner or later?

In other news, I had quite a nice weekend. I had lunch with Lissu on Saturday, and it was really good to catch up after not seeing each other for more than a month. She told me about her trip to her sister Eppu's wedding in Maine around New Year, and seemed very positive about the beginning of her spring semester in all ways. After Lissu left for her hairdresser's appointment, I spent some time checking the shelves at the Academic Bookstore and then sat down to read an enchanting and disturbing fairytale novel by Robin McKinley called "Deerskin" while waiting for Topsu and Heli. When they got back from training at the Swordschool, we had coffee and dinner and then caught the train to go to the sauna at their place.

After sauna, we had tea and cookies and ranted about families, childhood, growing up and the state of medical care well into the small hours. I slept on the floor more comfortably than my aging bones expected (but still, guys, you really need to get that guest bed as soon as possible! :)) and woke up to the tickling of Alvari's whiskers.

Heli made me do an interesting exercise on self-examination. There is a roleplaying game called "Everway" that has a mythological, subconscious-like theme (if I got it right), and among other original ideas, uses a stack of picture cards for the basis of character creation. You are supposed to pick out pictures that in one way or another represent the character you have in mind to create. Heli gave me the stack and told me to pick out the cards that I felt best described me personally. So I did.

I found that my pick pretty much fit into two categories: my self-image and my fears now, and things I want to strive for, connected by and arranged around a focal point. The focus and the centre being, naturally, the phoenix, representing my self and the possibility of rebirth in order to reach for those goals.

The images below the phoenix, representing my self-image now, were:

• a little girl on a balcony or a tower high above the world, looking down at its hustle and bustle but clearly safely apart; and another of a little girl walking down a path, not seeing a huge, monstrous snake above her, ready to eat her
• an old hag who has nothing left to her but death all around
• a sad, dark woman turning away from high, beautifully bright coloured windows
• a person lost in a high-walled labyrinth, raging at a vulture waiting at the top of the walls
• a lifeless, endless desert

These images I placed above the phoenix:

• a woman in a wild dance around a bonfire, as the centre of a circle of dancing people
• a female paladin with a serious, questing expression in front of a red sun
• a beautiful young man - a prince - in an Oriental-ish jacket (not Oriental himself) with a hawk on his wrist
• a city under the sea; a living, beautiful, green and blue place that represents the hope that there might be living depths of emotion and surprises in them left for me yet

There were three cards that I placed outside of this division: a basic family picture (something I have lost) and another of an extended family (something that still might be possible to connect to); and a regal, black-haired fantasy priestess or sorceress with a dragon (perhaps the sort of an image I often try to put on in larps).

Other explanations are either self-evident or then left as an exercise to the reader.

Heli showed me her picks as well, and Topsu's. Interesting, for sure. Try it sometimes, if you get your hands on the game.

Today I had coffee with Spider, with long, detailed conversations on costumes and costume projects as well as larps. We had a few ugly encounters with some monsters that run wild in the city, and promptly moved into more comfortable surroundings, as neither of us felt like adventuring much while in the middle of our mochas. Despite them, we had a good time and came up with lots of plans on all fronts. We'll see how they work out.

At home, I had something of a job getting both Anni and Lin up from their afternoon naps and conscious enough to start watching the fifth season of Buffy with me. We got through four episodes until Anni was felled by an incoming flu, I was overwhelmed by irritation, neck-ache and general nerves, and Lin decided we were no fun anymore and went to bed, too.

I am going to bury myself under my blankets, shut my ears to the whining coming from the back room, and finish the book. That's what I'll do. Yes.