You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi

27 Feb 03: Idle, Busy, Busy

Our connection was down all evening and night yesterday.

Been running madly today in preparation for the game in Olavinlinna. Too much walking. Too many stupid people who get my hopes up by telling me they've got the product I want and not knowing what they are talking about (dress ribbons, if you must know, which probably you don't have to).

And I coloured my big cloak and it's now exactly the colour of homemade vatkattu marjapuuro. Not the result I was hoping for, but then, should have known I was going to regret being stingy with the amount of colouring.

At least Lissu's dress turned out pretty well, even if I had to wash it twice due to the cat having professed an extremely odd and untimely fetish with bleached linen... The whole of Lissu's costume is going to be absolutely, utterly divine!

My own pieces of ribbon and slices of velvet are still waiting to be attached to my bodice. However, I don't think it's going to take too long (not that I exactly have a good track record with these estimates... we'll see).

We're leaving in the afternoon, hopefully before four (after - hopefully - seeing to it that the appropriate props from the SuoLi store leave in another car around one). I don't expect to find the time to write before that.

Have been having those Dreams again - the ones on very improbable, but desirable states of being that the dreams present as a fait accompli. Not fair. They make me wake up in a bad mood into a world too far away from the world of the dream.

25 Feb 03: A Re-opening

Now on killeri.net:

Faerun III - Shadows of War".

"Blood, sweat, tears and Forgotten Realms".

(Later, much, much later) Hopeless. Too long awake. Too much chocolate. Bad. Very bad.

Got more players. Good.

Saw Topsu and Heli. Had sauna, talked, planned game, had pancakes. Good. Got a double order for tunics and cloaks. Much good.

Too little sewing. Too little exercise. Bad, bad, bad.

24(25) Feb 03: Of An Upside-Down Clock, and of More Work

I've been working on the Faerun pages all night, moving them to killeri.net and cleaning up all the mess that angelfire has created. Not much difference visible yet - I've mostly been occupied by the cleaning work, hour after hour. But now they are there, waiting for approval from Atte, and more material and clarifications for those who (like me) don't really know the world of Forgotten Realms all that well.

I hope to be able to do the rest of my urgent game duties tomorrow, or actually, later today, as it is soon six am, and I'm wondering if I need to go to sleep at all, or if I should just try and turn my timetable back to normal.

In the evening, I spent some hours in front of the TV, watching Maria Kallio, Angels of Mercy and then some reruns of Buffy, and working on Lissu's belt. I finally got all the crossed circles done, and now they only need to be linked (but that should be simple).

Hm. I guess I should sleep. Topsu and Heli are coming to see me in the evening, and it won't do to doze off - or be unable to sew at the same time.

Poor Inka suffers from ear infection. She was in considerable pain at the small hours, so I took her to the emergency at the Peijas hospital. Luckily, it was a very, very quiet night there, and she got to see a doctor in maybe five minutes from our arrival (unbelievable at Peijas!). She should be asleep by now.

I started this very silly and highly self-indulgent fanfiction story last night... we'll see if it keeps me working further, and if it might make any sense to show it to anyone.

Lots of thoughts, but I am honestly too tired to concentrate on writing right now. Honest tiredness, for once...

Must get up before noon, anyway.

Today's small spark of light: Dad promised to pay for my gym card for half a year. Now I can start going, too.

23 Feb 03: Of Regrets, and Some More Hard Work

I didn't make it to either of the parties (or any of them, as actually I had also been invited to a third one). And now this really bothers me. I remember complaining how I never was included in anything, but now I have done my very best to make it look like I don't even want to be included, even though I have received several kind invitations to places in the past few months. And all of this - every single time - simply because for one reason or another, I was too tired, or too scared, or too depressed, at that very moment when I should have got up and going, to do it.

Okay, at New Year, I didn't make it to Talo from Sopulilaakso because I didn't feel too well in my stomach for a while, but it still is something of a regret. And otherwise... Mikki and Anne's housewarming party: too tired and too scared to move (okay, more tired than usual because of starting a new medication, but had I really dared to, I suppose I could have gone). The Kaukama party, especially to see Clo before she leaves for Syria - too depressed after a teeny tiny tiff with Anni. Ebu's and Tube's housewarming party - too tired after having gone to sleep the tiff off. Several times trying to meet people and sleeping over the appointments. It's no wonder if people write me off after all this.

And it makes me angry at myself. Not disappointed - well, that too, but mostly angry. I think it's time to re-evaluate a few things that keep me inside, both literally and figuratively.

I've also been told that I am a horrible friend. This may be the case at the moment, at least from a certain point of view, but I think the problem is mainly in how I direct certain aspects of friendship and how few ways I have to give and receive friendship (or just friendliness) right now. These are matters that I myself must correct, and I can't do that by sitting (or lying) at home.

I just have to hope that not everybody has given up on me yet... and try to find out how the hope matches reality.

I've been working on Lissu's belt for next weekend's game. I think I have to revise my cost estimate, as I've now spent four hours plus on it, and it still isn't finished. Have to work every day to get all the clothes done in time - this time, I simply will not have the stress of sewing at the site or even at the place where we get to sleep on Friday! And being late because of sewing my costume is passe. Completely.

It's going to be a busy week. And I still need two Purple Dragon officers and a wizard (though some surprising people have showed interest in the game, we still need more). And there is still some mixup with the page issue.

Oh yes, and the Eating Thing has continued to act up. I've realized that my bulimia has turned into something even more shameful, though less instantly dangerous - BED (binge-eating disorder). No throwing up, which should be a plus to some, I guess, but even though I know it is more harmful, I am still even more ashamed of myself now. BED has no other results than getting FAT. F.A.T. And I can't control it.

And I'm out of medication and don't have much hopes of getting any money for it right now. Some time pretty soon, yes, but not yet.

21 Feb 03: Hard Work for Fun

Had an eight-hour study session for the Maahinkainen game at our place (Lissu, Sanna, Anni, Jonni and me). And that really was eight hours of constant hard work. By the time we took a short break to get some fast food (there was nothing else available at that hour) we were already giggling with exhaustion. It was very productive, though. I think I now have something of an overall picture of the nobility of the country (which is the least I can do, as my character is one of the queen's ladies-in-waiting). And we had a reasonably fun (if slightly hysterical) time among all the studying. Top honours go to Lissu, who by the end of the evening could correctly name all but one of the twenty or so coats of arms that we could expect to see at the game. I bow to your superior learning, dear...

By the time the game begins, I will have studied something like 20 hours for it; sewed costumes (for myself and for Lissu) for maybe ten hours (Lissu's is rather simple, and mine is a fix-up from parts of older costumes); and driven to Savonlinna for five hours. Not to count packing the car with props and dressing and makeup at the site. I really hope the ten or so hours of game time will be good...

Oh yes, and I will probably forget most of what I've learned now by the end of next week, as I have to write Faerun characters all of next week.

Well, at least the games keep me active, and that is good.

I'm not yet sure whether I've recovered from the state I was in two nights ago. I try not to think about it. Any of it.

Tomorrow night requires careful planning, as I intend to make it to two parties, one of which is at the backwoods of Espoo. And now, so as not to waste all of the daytime tomorrow - bedtime. It's almost five am anyway. I took everybody home and was back about an hour ago.

19 Feb 03: Of A Sudden Attack

I feel like screaming. I'm crying and I have no-one to cry to. I'm hyperventilating and I'm trying to be good and not get myself into hysteria (because of course it is a matter of will, or lack of good will and trying properly).

I've had a huge eating binge tonight, and I don't know why, I can't understand, and I feel horrible, and I don't know how to make anyone listen anymore, and I've become so good at being good that I don't know how to cry or ask for help. Why am I suddenly so ill again? I mean, it's not like the food has been a non-issue for the past few months, but I haven't binged uncontrollably, not like this.

Okay. Breathe. Think.

Today's episode of C.S.I. concerned the mutilation and murder of a beautiful model. It turned out that she was severely bulimic (much more severely than I have ever been), suffering from Body Distortion Disorder (or whatever), and that she had mutilated herself and died of the wounds and of the collapse of her digestive system. Of course the episode had come up with the most severe and dramatic symptoms as possible, but it still made me feel awful and guilty and... dirty. Exposed and defamed. And when they talked about how BDD comes about when the person feels unsatisfied with their life and wants to blame someone or something, and the closest is their own body, I felt like I was being - again - told that it was all just hysteria and not wanting to face reality and do things...

The Maahinkainen game is in ten days, and I don't want to look fat there. I don't care about looking terribly thin - I like having breasts and hips - and I could not get stick-thin in this time anyway, but I don't want to look fat!! And Renaissance dresses do make one look fatter. And time is running out, once more, once again!!

I made a huge bowl of that very healthy vegetable soup to diet on, and the smell alone makes me feel helpless in the face of a challenge. I can't lose weight anyway; it never works.

ANd I wanted to accomplish more for the Faerun game, but I still squirmed away from calling three possible game sites. Even now! How can I be so ridiculously helpless?? And I was supposed to arrange for getting the game webpages on our home network - I asked Kalle to create a space for it, and he did (many thanks), but I took care of it so late that when I tried to catch Atte to check on some details to move the pages, he didn't answer any more - so another task left for the next day, or the next.

And the support applications are still here. And the therapist did not call. And I haven't answered several emails I should have. And I can't get players for the game. They don't want to come because I have such an erratic back record, I'm sure.

So it's all pretty simple. Had I taken care of my duties - even the hobby duties - I would feel much better and more accomplished and would not have panicked and binged. As always. It's my own fault.

Help...

And. Why. Can't. I. Stop. LONGING?? It's stupid and it's inappropriate and it's unrequited and it's impolite and it's demeaning and I can't stop... Am I so unhappy that even the unhappiness of pining for someone is better than the unhappiness that is there around it? Probably. I don't know. I've been alone for so long now that I should already believe that I'm in the class of losers.

I should just die already. This whining has probably driven away even the last stragglers through the murky swamp of my stupid needs.

I can't stop this maelstrom of the black hole. But I'll stop writing now, or I'll just keep repeating the same stuff over and over again.

18 Feb 03: Of Recovering Health, and Of Anticipation

I've been good and slept a lot and drunk enormous amounts of hot tea and juice and even some chicken soup from the now-infamous box of chicken soup extract all the way from Solmukohta 2000 (it's our "dwarf bread": you are never too poor or too hungry to find something else to eat instead of the chicken soup). Actually, it's quite edible yet, and it's not even that bad - but too much chicken soup is enough to bend the proudest of necks. And it never, ever runs out. Never. Ever.

Anni came home from Lahti and singing practice, and Sanna turned up in the evening to loot my closets for the Maahinkainen game. Luckily, my old Renaissance dress was rather a good fit on her (I could not wear it; I wore it to the last Maahinkainen game excatly as it is now, and that was another character - I make it my business not to confuse other players like that). We agreed on a meeting on Friday with Lissu to try and get our minds into the noble set of the young kingdom of Dabris-Andar and to talk more about dresses, game logistics, and everything possible.

I spent some time on the IRC channel set up for the game and finally got some costume period preferences - and had a good chat, all in all. I don't usually do IRC (practically not at all). I've always avoided it almost religiously - I'm too afraid of getting addicted...

My old therapist called today, finally, and I'm probably going to see her on Thursday. She'll check it for tomorrow.

And it's possible I get to make costumes for friends in the near future - which is good, as I am all out of money until the support money comes in...

17 Feb 03: Of Being Ill, and of Scarce Compensations

Bloody flu. Of course it would strike me right at the time when I a) had an obligation to move my lazy butt and go out with the dog for the past weekend b) had no company at home.

I've been following Anni's experienced advice and drinking hot beverages for three days now. I don't know if it's working, but I suppose it must at least be good for my waistline (one doesn't much feel like stuffing oneself with anything else in addition). I've mostly studied the Faerun stuff, been too miserable to do anything, or slept.

I was too tired to go to the EK (medieval organization) party yesterday, when Anni called from the site and asked for me to come, as they had had awfully many cancellations at the last minute. She swears she said to me that a carful of Greywolves led by Hukka were coming, too, and I could swear I remember no such thing. I must have been really spaced out by the fever. Bugger.

At least the dreams have been interesting. Last night I had sex with this gorgeous Spanish-looking British actor from "Emmerdale" in an endless, crystal-bright, waist-deep lake and ended up marrying him, even though he really fought against falling in love with me, as he was some sort of a demon (the result was twins, one of which looked like a little Disney dinosaur), and everybody lived happily ever after, AND later I was Angel's true love and discussed marriage plans with him, as he had found he could, you know, and again, everybody lived happily ever after. The latter dream also had a cameo by Nicole Kidman as a vampire queen.

Though later, this morning, there was this very nasty dream where Ropecon was through once more, and to celebrate that, someone let loose a truly nasty, superfast disease that turned everyone into rotting lizard demons. I kept running and hiding and running and hiding, and it was always another scare of nearly getting caught and always being in total despair of making it out of the city. The worst thing was, it was somehow my fault, as it had all been a good joke before I took it the wrong way, because I was so tired and angry after the 'con that I lost my temper in front of everyone.

Doesn't need a shrink to figure the basis of that one out.

And I've clearly watched too much Buffy. And probably Emmerdale, too. (No, honestly, I don't watch Emmerdale regularly. Honest.)

Good reason to get out of the house, finally?

I've been trying to put together a coherent plan for Taverna II: Heartbreak Hotel, so Lin and Susi could say how they feel about it. Susi, too, got the flu, just before me I think, so all I could get out of her on Saturday over the phone were occasional words that formed a simple sentence in maybe once in two minutes, so the plans are still with me. But soon...

I don't really feel so different mentally or emotionally from, say, December, but it would seem that there is progress, as I'm actually looking forward to arranging all these games. Must be the fever, or something.

I wrote some stuff last week. I wasn't sure if this (the first one there) was good enough, but... well... thought, expression, communication. Or something. That was the reason why, wasn't it?

This, on the other hand, speaks for itself:

I went there today, 
past the candles and the burning at the edges of the sky
and the sounds of distance and night:

I went, 
to see the mysteries written in snow and moonwine
between the stained pieces of parchment that grew
                     out of oaks
and the sharp dreams in the shadows of trees,
dropped from the saddles and hooves 
and dappled tabards of
           the moonking's army over the wind,
the brilliance of the loneliest, proudest star
           in its tower, at their passing,
and the heartbreakingly generous hordes of stars 
           in the dirt of the road home

stories
and doors to more stories

locked, encrypted, eluding meaning, further and further

you alone are the code and the key

come to me
they are mine to solve, to walk,
to speak, to sing, to dream, to scream

come to me
let me read the ancient liturgy through you
let me find meaning in the lost scripts
               of your hands
to see through your light and 
               through your shadow
to the land where mystery never runs dry

to take the doors and the roads ever deeper
into the layers of blue and shadows of fire 

              let me into myself

16 Feb 03

Do I always need to be sick to write?