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You can contact me at svaha (at) iki.fi

28 Jun 04: Out Of Control

Not sleeping, not managing anything. Lost in a daze of half-life that also hurts, physically.

Heli was here yesterday, and even though we were less useful and more gossipy than we were supposed to be (the plans were to go through the characters of The Magic Carpet for the 'con, of which we accomplished perhaps twenty-five percent), it was good to see her.

But again, I didn't sleep after that. I did sleep deep and well the night in between, but it was not a permanent correction, it seems.

Tired. So tired... Was going to go to see a doctor at the hospital ER, but fell asleep a little, and then was too groggy to think straight... and then it was so late I just couldn't. Was too embarrassed. It's probably just too irregular sleep and too much coffee, or something.

Or something.

Some of the many plans have kept sort-of-on-top of my foggy mind, and I've managed to get some emails done, but that's about it. I need to get back to normal; I need to get rid of the dizziness and all other continuing oddnesses.

I didn't win these gorgeous fabrics at huuto.net - the seller wanted much more from them, even though mine was the only offer (there's a system of separate starting price and minimum price to accept sale; I think it sucks). Now I'm in negotiations on a compromise price, but theirs is a bit steep. And I want those fabrics...

The Werewolf fitting-in problem sort of solved itself - and ended up with the most obvious solution that could have been arranged right after the first game. I've been stressing myself for months over nothing, wanting just to find the best solution overall, and I kind of felt like I'd been whacked with a wet towel, when it ended like that. But still, it's quite okay now, and we can move on.

Also, I've come to the conclusion that Faeries are today what disco was in the eighties.

27 Jun 04: Driving A Bit Too Hard?

For some odd reason, the result of several bad nights in succession made me simply skip last night completely, despite having most sincere plans of a proper, and long, sleep. No, I just kept pushing the vague sense of restlessness and physical discomfort off by sitting in front of the computer even further... and further... and further. It's not like I planned it this time; my complaining body would definitely have preferred oblivion. I just... didn't. In the grips of that fabulously passive indifference caused by the combination of tiredness and netsurfing, I just hovered on the high edge of that fence between sleep and waking and could not make myself to drop down on the other side.

I was going to go to bed in the afternoon, when phonecalls from Salla, Mom and Heli respectively made me face the fact that I was just prolonging the state of total uselessness... but by then, the guy behind the counter at the back of my mind had hammered it into my subconscious that I was just being lazy and needed to make up for it... so in the end I found myself - of all things, in this state - exercising. And planning dances, seriously. And costumes. Costumes even more, because regarding them I do have a very clear vision already.

So I seem to have turned the on-switch in the machinery concerned with dancing, and in the nick of time, I'd say. I only hope it stays switched on after a proper sleep has established normality (I'm not manic, after all... though sometimes I do wonder). I put the sauna on, and after that I'm sure I'll just go out like a light. I toyed with the idea of calling a friend or two to join me in sauna-ing, but it wouldn't make much sense if I'd be company for just about an hour, at most. So... some more netsurfing while I wait.

Maybe I'm not energetic at all. Maybe I've just fallen slave into such a bad net addiction that it won't even let me go to sleep, and I'll just sit here until I turn to dust? (Hey, it might have been a theory. Just barely?

Apropos. I've been looking at far too many far too gorgeous costumes for far too long, and can feel a distinct longing for more glorious costumes in our cons - and by more glorious I don't mean to imply that they are any glorious to begin with... I wonder if we'll ever have any costume shows or masquerades in any of our conventions that could hold even a candle to the sun that is the jaw-dropping excellency of the International Costumer's Guild in the US. Probably not; and probably most people will tell me I'm an idiot for missing such stuff. But I do. I really do. If there were other people as obsessed with costuming as I am, I might feel less weird about sewing in my free time, and therefore, actually get somewhere with my projects. And if there were other people as obsessed, I could learn from them.)

(Example: go look at the costume competition at last year's Worldcon, Torcon 3. On the main page sidebar, go to "After Convention", "Masquerade Winners", and there's a link to the pictures on top of the awards list. Then you can go to look at past Costume Cons at their Timeline entries, as it's the same people doing the most incredible stuff at both - and have, as with most fandom elsewhere in the world, happily been doing it for decades! Which makes me feel there is still some hope to find one's own niche in these interests, even among all the stupid teenage cosplayers.)

(No, I'm not putting cosplayers down because dressing up is stupid - that would be quite the double standard. I'm putting them down because their single point in the thing - unlike roleplayers - is to Dress Up... and they don't do even that part properly. Their costumes are haphazard, ill-fitting, cheaply and quickly made affairs. Which, in itself, might not be something worth snarking about - in a larp, for example, it would be understandable that there are other things to worry about than just the packaging, so an honest effort is all one can ask. But when the whole point is the costume, and nothing but the costume, why not do it properly, for the love of... oh, ah, blah, never mind.)

Going from one end of the obsession to another: among other things (such as delving into Huuto.net and finding far too much stuff I could use, if not desperately need), I've been making attempts towards organizing my existing LARP and SCA stuff. This is a job that bears a close resemblance to archeology, considering how long I've been just throwing things in piles in my room, just occasionally fluffing them a bit, as if I expected them to take root and grow more costumes (and wouldn't that be lovely?). And it is beginning to seem that I have, during the years, lost more stuff than I can calmly contemplate. Right now, it seems I'm missing my puukko (it's slightly longer than most women's knives and rather narrow, has a serrated blunt edge for fish scaling and a sheath that still reads "Kuusamo" that I've never managed to erase; it's called "Handsbane" for a good reason, and we wants it back, oh yes we do), several brooches including one "Oakleaf of Pusta" in silver that has quite a lot of personal value to me on top of the piece being discontinued, one big bronze Hannunvaakuna, and of course those huge, oval Estonian brooches in heavy silver that I bought from Käsmu in August 2001 and - as I've told everyone alive and probably several dead - had stolen from me at the site of Domus IV the same December. And yes, I know I brood on them, but they were unique in Finland, perfectly fitting for my interest in ancient Carelia, and I just can't figure out why they have not yet popped up somewhere. I mean, who steals unique, marginally styled, obviously expensive jewellery, and then won't try to sell it to people who might pay good money for it? It's not like the thief could wear them anywhere?

Also, the tiara from the National Opera House that I bought for myself after it was on loan for the wedding. It was also an irreplaceable item, and I haven't seen it since spring last year. And, like the brooches, I will recognize it instantly if I see it. (The list of lost property also includes one Greek Orthodox cross pendant that Mamma got me when I was eight, but I resigned myself to that one and bought the history- modelled Ilomantsi Cross to replace it some time ago. It was of small size, the sort I can easily misplace permanently with no more ill will needed than my own.)

Fah. Also, now that we're on the subject of the preciouss, I am deeply disappointed with Kalevala Koru for going commercial and dropping several of their most magnificent historical pieces in favor of new, modern series. Not that I could have bought any of them right now anyway, but now I never will have the opportunity. Bad, bad Kalevala Koru.

And one more thing before I go to the sauna, quite inordinately pleased with myself for being able to muster this much enthusiasm with things outside myself (should sleep less and surf more, or in any case sleep less and do more no-matter-what)... Do any of you ballet enthusiasts out there among my people know any places on the net that would have suitable music for a ballet class? My only source of the lovely, familiar, piano-arranged pieces of Classical Hits is that old Baroque tape, and I've grown quite thoroughly bored with it...

Sauna. Food. Soft bed. Yes, precious, we may have been rambling, but even so, we deserves it, deserves it all...

(P.S. Huuto.net is evil. I said I didn't actually need the things I found quite desperately, but... but... oh all the Ainur and any lesser spirits, how badly I desire this...

*tsk* Now it bugs me I'm poor.)

26 Jun 04: Another Indisposed Turn

As I didn't get to bed until other people were already waking up (well, consider the date, probably not many, but still), I slept too little and not too well, and woke up to another nauseous and dizzy half-day. Haven't been able to do much except be useless and make plans for being less so as soon as possible. In the evening, when feeling better, surfed after more costume ideas again, and have reached the conclusion that link lists are a demonical invention, since they are clearly there only to cause boiling frustration. I don't think I found a single link list where the working links would be even in the majority! On the other hand, found a lot of nice pre-raphaelite pictures and saved them in loads. Perhaps might see if some of them can be printed neatly enough to bring some new colour to my room.

Certain small creative plans are in the frustrating stage of an overabundance of ideas, some of which are too vague or too contradictory; and none of which has yet fought the others into submission and emerged as the leading vision. But at least there are ideas, and they are alive. We shall see.

(Apropos plans, I've been musing on Kalle's ideas of how to rearrange the rooms in the house and their uses, but have not yet come up with any sort of an optimal suggestion of my own. Perhaps I should move the sewing stuff into the former home theatre, so they'd be off the floor and out of people's way, and we could still save one room properly for allergic guests, which is one of the highest priorities in the re-allotment. Hm. Well, there's no hurry, it's such a big project anyway.)

Oh, and finished the haircut with a reasonably successful re-styling of my fringe, and am now hopeful of having slightly less bad-hair days in the immediate future (compared to the immediate past, that is, when decisive bad-hair days were getting to be the norm rather than the miserable exception). At least something good of today, then...

Bad habits continue. Still could not get to bed early enough. However, now I do feel genuinely, healthily sleepy. Would be nice to sleep better for a change.

*Yawn*. Plans. Lists. Must start making lists again. My notebook is still at Suvi's place, where I left it on my last visit. Have to come up with another one. Lists, important. Many lists, proof of something resembling a life. Not bad.

25 Jun 04: Just To Note

The dizzy spells are gone, but I still hate the world. And I have fifteen minutes to make it to the grocery store. And I ate most of the strawberries I'd bought for the cake last night. Actually, I ate most of the world last night.

Not a happy camper, no.

(Night:) Symbols & Meanings

It has been a symptom, these past years, that one has tended to downplay any emotional effect there might be over holidays and other symbols and traditions - and effect there would be if unchallenged, as an almost absolute dependency on such sentiments (and sentimentalism) has been instilled into me literally in my mother's milk. Traditions mean security, also - and first and foremost - emotional security. But when the range of my emotions in general followed the downwards curve of the life I thought I wanted but could not realize, I had to detach myself from them, and therefore, also from the vulnerability created by the "safe" emotions from symbols and symbolic events. No emotions are safe for me these days.

It is far safer to stay calm and humorously detached. And so this holiday, too, is definitely counted a success for having been quiet and unfussy, with no expectations and reasonably pleasurable results: just an easy day of baking, lounging around, having a cider or two, grilling with a few people of varying degrees of familiarity to myself, talking about safe, easy, mildly interesting subjects, planning to take the dog for a walk and already mentally preparing for tomorrow's jobs. And it was all good, and nice, and went well.

However... circumstantial events on the fringes keep conspiring against the detachment. The sunset, exquisitely, inordinately, overwhelmingly beautiful, spread over the heavens in a glory all too topical. Songs on the radio, of the sharpest, most dire nostalgia, echoing back to that translucent mixture of pain and sweetness only felt in adolescence. Whispers-of-beginnings of thoughts that might, if given as much leeway as to let them form into phrases, threaten the nice, safe indifference towards people that has been kept most exactingly. Small tastes of remembrances of other things, towards which the indifference must be kept just as exactingly out of hopeless necessity.

I am afraid of feeling anything too much, for it might open a door to feelings I did not choose. I am afraid of feeling anything that might lead to actions, for have I not thoroughly learned that actions lead into disappointment, and I am not good with disappointment (nor is disappointment good with me)? I am wisely wary.

But when will the time come to shake the wariness? When is the right time to risk feeling again? I'm pretty certain it is not yet, but honestly, how do I know? I've kept my feelings dressed up in straitjackets for so long that I would not recognize the genuine ones among them even if those bit my nose and kicked me in the stomach.

(Even later, or earlier) Spent the magic hours on an extended walk with Jero, around the old church and its village and beyond the river. And they were more magical than usual; even more magical than usual on a Midsummer night. The light never went out, not for a moment: even at the actual midnight hour, when it was dark under the big trees around the Old Vicarage, there was a crimson burning at the undersides of the clouds, until finally they turned into early-dawn grey. I picked my Midsummer flowers beyond the river, and there was a magical abundance of them, too: not seven, not nine, but nineteen. I probably could have gone to twenty-seven with a bit of trying, but decided that nineteen was big enough as special numbers go. Although they are a bit too pretty to squash under a pillow, so I'll just put them in a vase under the icons. My dreams will be what they will be... as always.

Also, forgot to mention earlier: Vera was a darling and cut my hair. Looks much better now.

24 Jun 04: Down the Chasm

Timetable shot to hell, again. Woke up to a headache that turned out to be migren once I dragged myself to town to deliver some stuff Lin had forgotten; nearly threw up in the tram. Lin served me some sort of calming tea that helped some, but the ache just turned into dizziness. All evening, been fighting to stay upright without any sense of balance at all; the spells wallow back and forth through my head and stomach like waves of weightlessness. I'm irritated and a bit scared, and just hope it is because of the medication withdrawal symptoms, still.

As a result, everything makes me angry right now.

Also, very lonely and feeling like a loser for not having or having had any relationship for such a long time. Not that the feeling is anything new. It just feels particularly bad right now.

(Night) I read through the past week and got even angrier, as none of the notes read remotely close to how I've actually been feeling over said week. Which is, well, unhappy. Desperately and helplessly unhappy, and mostly just exhausted over the feeling. Lost and small and miserable.

Also, I am not glad about the fact that I should be nice and courteous to guests tomorrow when I know there's one of them whp keeps putting me down to people simply to turn attention away from their own social deficiencies. It's fucking unfair, except only on a cosmic level - I can't honestly complain, since it's actually Kalle who invited people, including me. I just... I should have been sensible and decided to be elsewhere. I thought it would make me feel better to really get into the spirit of the thing, bake a cake, something. But it doesn't.

Relapsing much?

23 Jun 04: Game Itch

I dreamed of plans for several mid-sized fantasy games that I was co-writing for Ropecon. They were all very exciting and thickly plotted and altogether something I'd love to be doing. This is what one gets for being weak and ending up in the Academic Bookstore, even though one knows there's no hope of buying anything: far too many beginnings of ideas.

Soon I will frustrated enough to actually get writing something new. So far, there is still the final brick wall of grieving for FIV, and it is still very think and very tall (and flanked with the moat of self-distrust - I never knew how to come up with any dynamics to base stories on, far less games!).

I also dreamed of being infatuated once again. The object was imaginary, unfortunately, so there are no new poems forthcoming so far. Too bad.

Gonna dig into my fabric piles next. Apropos fabrics: did sleep a bit better after coming up with a darker curtain substitute.

22 Jun 04: *Yawn*

Stayed up, as planned. Walked the dog, found nice new routes that have been cleared along the river. Met an abundance of Midsummer roses, lilacs and other flowering bushes I don't even recognize! Went fleamarket-shopping, found a proper-sized mirror for modeling costumes, tried on a load of clothes and realized there's no pushing Project Dance-to-Shape a moment further. Went to town, had lunch with Lissu (whose was dressed most hip!), met Mom and Olli briefly and dithered on the trip to country until realized it's no go, have to start working hard on Salla's evening gown (they'd be leaving town tomorrow morning).

So I'll be here, after all. Which is not un-nice at all, actually, as I'll be around for barbecuing on Friday with nice people (well, mostly nice - I happen to know one of the guests objects to me on principle, but that can't be helped, I suppose, and the others more than make up for that unhappy fact). And will have time for my own stuff, instead of trying desperately to fulfill rigid family obligations.

Now, sleep. Yum. Though must go and dig up something big enough and dark enough from the fabric piles to serve as dark curtains. No more constant waking up to the pillow on top of my head sliding off...

21 Jun 04: Turning, Turning...

Schedules, that is. A bit too much. Woke up around eight pm, despite having gone to sleep around three. Fifteen hours?? Weird, since nothing's really wrong at the moment. Also, lots of anxiety dreams. The quality of my sleep has not been that good lately, anyway. I suppose I should dig up a piece of dark fabric from my piles and put it up as curtains - I just can't sleep when it's light. I've been sleeping with my head under a pillow for days, now that I think about it. Definitely, time to act.

Though right now, I actually think I'm going to turn the clock tonight.

Anni and Lin were around and had actually fallen asleep on the sofas in the living room when I dragged my dream-fogged self there. We watched some "Law & Order" and then ended up in the kitchen for spiked tea and deep talk. Now I'm debating on whether to start a film or something and get on with my embroidery, or spend more moments of my life reading fandom_wank. In an hour or so, gonna take the dog out and try and find the last of the flowering lilac.

Also, cat therapy. Everyone needs cat therapy! Even the people who hate cats need cat therapy, they just refuse to acknowledge it...

19 Jun 04: Roses

After the emotional upheavals of the past days, had an extra long sleep, and even feeling like deserved it! Okay, the day started far into the afternoon, but so what? This time it was needed.

After spending the usual hours on the Net and watching a stylish Sherlock Holmes adaptation (unfortunately, it was also just as boring as those later Poirot adaptations, also pretty to look at), decided to go and get some roses from the big, beautiful Midsummer rose bush in our back yard. While there, got struck by wild instincts and finally threw oneself into the sadly-delayed war against the Cthulhu-gened One before it swallows up every inch of ground (and light!) between the house and the back fence. The new garden shears work beautifully, so in the end I managed to uncover some patches of paving for people to walk on... and before I knew it, two hours had passed. Was feeling quite accomplished. Am, still.

Also trimmed the rose a bit, as it was getting to imitate the Great Old One's habits, and I thought it might be nice if people could step down to the patio from the porch stairs without getting stung by either thorns or bees. Spent an additional hour on the porch, cutting the trimmed rose boughs and arranging them in vases. Now the house is full of the fragrance, and, as usual, I'm quite drunk on it. (And on Notre-Dame de Paris, which I had not listened to for far too long...)

18 Jun 04: Meek

Boy, do I feel dumb now...

Thank you, all of you, for the concern (you know who you are). I'm okay, much better now. My voice is almost completely gone, but I'm fine.

It also helps to know I'm not the only one who had their temper strained because of uncertainties in the campaign fuss. It'll probably sort itself out now quite okay.

Finally succeded in the long-time plan of meeting Kristel for coffee. Got some more pearls for Tiina's costume. Measured Salla for her evening gown. Should consider going out with Jero still, but honestly too tired tonight (it is past midnight by now, after all).

Wanted to go to Keskiajan Turku (the Medieval Turku event held every summer), but could not find anyone to accompany me. Blah. It's not that I could even buy anything, but it would be nice to dress up and just go look at things.

Reading another sweeping sci-fi epic, the sequel to Revelation Space. Just started, so no comments yet.

17 Jun 04: Alive, Dammit!

Once more, I think, it's time to be angry.

I loathe people who act superior to other people who are worried and afraid. I loathe holier-than-thous who make one feel low and bad and stupid for already feeling low and bad and stupid. I loathe it that they lord it over us lesser mortals and label us incompetents and idiots. I loathe them. They're judgemental, cold, heartless bastards, and it's fucking unfair that they get to run things and push us weaker ones away.

I'm so angry I almost want to name names. But of course, I can't, or I'd be even more shunned in the circles I desperately try to belong to, having unfortunately similar interests as some of them. "But darling, we thought you'd feel uncomfortable being in the same party as this person, so we thought it best to leave you out, as we could not possibly leave them." Bullshit. Mean people are mean, and it would be nice if someone sometimes had the guts to admit that.

Am so unhappy that terminal options are starting to sound more and more sensible once more. It hit me again today that I'm such a horrible person that there's no-one I could call and ask to spend time with me on a seriously difficult day, just to make it through without exactly this sort of heartbreak. No-one. No friends close enough. No-one who owes me that much. No-one.

At least, I suppose all Werewolf campaign problems are solved with this.

(Night) ...Not even to hope that there'd be someone to hold me when I'm screaming my heart out into the pillow for having screwed another thing up I wanted really bad. Nope.

16 Jun 04: Communication Overload

I think I just came up with a motto for how I view my relation to the world and the people I desperately try to hang with.

"I know I'm not likeable, but at least let me be useful."

Please.

I'm having a really, really cranky day.

(Night) Can we just officially declare the past day as not having happened? Please? I've been cranky, cranky, cranky. Also, snippy, tetchy, bitchy, and just plain ornery. It all started when I woke up from an extended version of one of those dreams where one has been shipped back to senior high for having failed adult life and studies; must hide the shameful secret of being ancient from classmates; and keeps failing all the classes this time round. After such a great start, I somehow managed to turn that wonderfully upbeat feeling I had about the Werewolf campaign after Sunday's LARP completely upside down and inside out. I even tried to fight it by finally kicking my distrust of IRC a final goodbye and joining the campaign's chat, but it didn't really help (in that sense, I mean - people were very nice about answering my questions, as I'm a complete newbie in regards to Werewolf). I was all suspicious and angsty and just ended up snapping at people over several forms of bit-stream communication, and on more subjects that the game, unfortunately. The day ended in tears - luckily, only in front of Kalle, though he'd probably not see the luck much.

The only good thing about today was Tiina's and Ego's visit and consequently, some progress with costuming projects.

Okay, a tiny nice thing was finding the "official" message board for the filming of Serenity, the "Firefly" movie. "Tiny", as in, ironically. I am such a shamelessly obsessed fan by now. That series was sheer underappreciated genius. I'm a bit worried about its translation to the big screen, and hoping they won't have to compromise too much... but we'll see. From the comments there it seems the cast and crew are very happy to be returning, so let's hope their dedication off big time.

(Also, I have become such a Mal/Inara shipper that I am seriously considering trying to fulfill my fanfiction hunger by furthering my series of never-to-be-finished attempts in the direction...)

Huh. Who would have thought, thinking about something else besides the current dilemma in the WW campaign actually helps. And so does cat therapy.

Actually, I'll just give in and confess that the feeling of sudden, overwhelming helplessness about a decision in the campaign is probably magnified to the second degree right now because... well... I'm out of medication again. Between, I mean. No, really. I'll get the next batch in a few days, absolutely. I just happen to be, well, between sewing-related monetary assets right now, as well.

(And just to remind hypothetical new readers: no, I don't go crazy without the antidepressants. It's just that the current brand seems to have certifiable withdrawal symptoms, such as a day or two of strong mood swings a few days after running out. Or stopping. And I just didn't realize that was it at first - I didn't even realize it had been that many days. And so that's why I'd rather just write today off.)

(The problem with the Werewolf? Fitting in, still. My character's pack question has been delayed a bit too long, and now I can't make any decisions any more, because I want to make the absolute right one. The most obvious solution in-game is the most difficult one off-game, as I fear it would lead into hard competition with another character, with whose player I don't want to compete in any form at all because of my own nonexistent self-confidence, and because of their style being so different from mine, and intimidating to me personally. On the other hand, it would be the most logical choice, and my character certainly does not mind challenges or competition. So I should just pluck up my guts and do it. But what if it would then lead into gaming just becoming too irritating for everybody around? I don't know. And I don't want to decide.)

15 Jun 04: As Per Schedule

Been sleepy and flu-ish after the weekend, as could be expected. Didn't get up today to go anywhere: too achy and exhausted. At least Jukka dropped by for a couple of hours of talk in the evening (as in, I talk and he listens; I remember to ask how he is doing on the way home; bad bird!). One of the guys in Anni and Lin's folk band was here, so there was lots of noise. Petri's waltz was played and duly admired. I really want to get working on it.

Just need to get my energy back.

I haven't been completely apathetic, though, so there's a definite upward trend. Small accomplishments include writing the report on the Werewolf game and getting it sent all in one day, and getting most of the decorations done for the sleeves in Tiina's velvet dress. Of course, there are many other sewing projects and game reports just waiting for their turn, but at least I'm working towards them all.

Oh yeah, and I won't even start on the dreams I've had...

13 Jun 04: Missions Accomplished

Weekend done. Did everything I planned to (except for flower-picking and getting the car back early this morning). The best thing about Turku turned out to be seeing people I don't see often enough, if only briefly, and the feeling of having been helpful by bringing props. (And cuddling up to Dare, a dear friend with whom I don't seem to be able to manage proper verbal communication, so the only way left is nonverbal... Luckily, it works, which is rare enough for me.) However, I was unpleasantly surprised at how hard that non-crush I had last autumn still hit me, and have been rather down emotionally ever since.

I overslept today, so was really cranky before the Werewolf game and worried about making it there at all (and about it not working for me), but it turned out far more rewarding than yesterday's scenario. I am so glad I did get a grip on myself and take part. The game was quite exciting all around, and I'm anxious to see how the plot plays out. I'm especially proud of myself in that I managed to take part in things and even to take the initiative in many cases, which is not easy for me, being such a reactive player (after all, I'm basically shy and fearful).

Oh, and Friday was also okay in that we found fabrics (also for other purposes I needed), I had lunch with Paula and got the waltz I want to do stuff with, and did important friends stuff at this end.

Had tea and gossip with Anni, am crashing now. Zenya is home, hooray! (Apropos cats, the ones at Talo are both gorgeous.)

And I. Don't. Want. That. Crush. Not that one. It's out of my reach both metaphorically and in actuality, and the person clearly has someone now, anyway. I am in desperate need for romance, but... not that one. Or the old Certain Someone one, either.

In other news, the folks at the larp "Vaikuta kohtaloosi" accomplished the impossible and got a picture of me where I'm almost reasonably pretty. Unfortunately, we are not supposed to talk about the game and spoil it for the future, so I can't show it here. Nyah.

10 Jun 04: Bravely Kicking

Been fighting that mysterious bug for the past two days; today was too achy all over to do much. Still optimistically hoping to escape with a scare and go to two (!) larps this weekend. There's the Werewolf on Sunday, and I got a reserve place in this low-fantasy game beyond Turku. Now, naturally, I'm frantically trying to go through my costumes once more, to see which could be made to work.

I'm going to Turku by car tomorrow night and then on to the game on Saturday. It will be nice to see people at that end, for a change.

Finished The Naked God. The ending was appropriately epic, and managed to tie together almost all relevant threads. Now I'm temporarily out of reading, which is somewhat worrying... but so far still on the level of small, gnawing anxiety, so I can probably control it until something new worth reading comes up...

Going to bed, to continue the campaign against the bug. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy. Need to go to town and buy some stuff, and to see Salla about her evening gown. Also need to come up with a working costume combination and pack the car full of props I promised the GM. And I hope to be up early and get some lilies-of-the-valley for Mom to take on the train; she's going to Grandma tomorrow.

Let's see how much of that I can manage. Still, I'm hopeful.

08 Jun 04: Following the Path, For Now

Two days when easily up before noon. Very good, relatively speaking. Also good: met Lissu for lunch, made it to therapy on good time and got some genuinely new insights on this one, walked back to town, arranged meetings, sent some emails. In short, did things a normal person does. Not good: seriously tired, and suspiciously feeling like a flu is one the way. Still a bit hesitant about own skills in the Werewolf pre-planning.

...Can it actually be that there are more good points today than bad? Wow.

Also, someone wrote a poem about me a couple of days ago. I have now officially Made a Difference. I have achieved a piece of immortality, no matter how small and obscure. It feels... indescribable.

Too tired and vague to do any sewing today, like I had planned to. Hope to be better tomorrow.

07 Jun 04: Must. Not. Give. Up.

I Have No Words And I Must Write, to paraphrase that sci-fi book classic whose author completely escapes me right now. It has been so easy to just... not start a new month. I'm tired of writing about my endless dragging in this mud of nothingness, deeper and deeper, never out of it and on dry land. Tired and ashamed. It just never seems to get better. What kind of a story is it if it never gets better? If it never has a positive, upbeat ending?

I've plodded through The Naked God, read about far too many and bizarre fan wars (none of which, luckily, touch me in any manner, so I can just point, laugh, and get wiser), dragged my ass to the Varangian Festival on Sunday last week and to the "Vaikuta kohtaloosi bcd" larp on Saturday, watched Firefly with Seanna and even sewed a bit. But also slept endlessly, missed parties and meetings, eaten mountains of Kilorinkeli bagels and realized I haven't got money for those ballet classes after all.

I'm going out now, to hang out with Vera. But at least I didn't give in and give up with writing this, not yet. No matter the shame.

(Night) Had a lovely time, as always. Drank a bit too much, which seems to be becoming a habit with Vera and her endless supply of hospitality. Talked about life and Paris (and some old German towns, too, to be exact). Watched The Shawshank Redemption, for the first time in my life, and was most satisfied. It seems that the movies with the most fervent audience definitely are worth it - I thought it would be hard to watch, but it was not. It was smooth and slick and enthralling, and I am really glad for having patched up that hole in my cultural education.

Am having mixed feelings about the werewolf campaign on the way to next weekend's game. On one hand, I like my character and the setting and storyline of this particular campaign as a whole; on the other, it's difficult to fit in, and my skin is still pretty thin for any (even imaginary) rejections.

Started thinking of how to put together an exercise regime on one's own, for now. Such a bother.

Have had the most incredible dreams on many of these nights. Have revisited the idea of a dream diary, but the idea has not morphed into reality even now.

Have asked oneself to consider if it might not be an interesting and exciting goal in itself, after all, to live to see what the world is like in, say, 2060.