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29 May 04: Bad Week

I had three different obligations today, and all I did was sleep until late evening. This, to be fair, was the result of not having gone to sleep until eleven in the morning. Yes, my timetable is again shot to hell, and has been all week. I haven't been able to correct it, and today it screwed up everything.

And I really, really wanted to go to all those places.

Also, on none of the nights when I was awake and could very well go for a good, long walk with Jero (as it is more pleasant when there are no other dogs to be met), did I actually manage to get my butt up and moving. I'm lazy and fat and unable to do anything except curl up and non-exist.

26 May 04: Re-evaluations

I have a vague feeling of having written something about this at some time or another, but I can't remember exactly if and when. So anyway: I've been going through a general process of attitude adjustment in relation to LARPing and what I want of it in the aftermath of... well, youknowwhat. I realized I'd been getting far too negative about everything. I'd started narrowing down my character wishes a bit too much, and I evidently was not even doing that too well or too clearly, since I was not getting anything along the lines of my actual preferences. I went into every game with this suspicious attitude, wanting too much and already believing it would not offer me what I wanted, instead of keeping an open mind and just enjoying myself in the moment. Also, I'd forgot that good preparation is essential, and worth bothering other players a bit, no matter how shy I felt. In short, negative attitude.

So I've been having long and serious talks with myself to change that. For now, I'm concentrating on the three main points I mentioned above. I'm going to start putting down less narrow specs and welcome more varied characters than I would want at first thought: it doesn't look so strict and difficult to GM's, and new challenges should get me out of the worst bored funk (I'm also going to try and find better ways of expressing my strengths and weaknesses as a gamer). I'm going to stop expecting too much of a single game and start thinking of what I can give to the game (oh dear, what a cliche - but I do need that thought now). And I'm going to tackle my characteristic fear of people once more and see that I prepare properly, have my contacts contacted in good order and have actually thought of the character enough to have asked all possible and impossible questions beforehand (I know that should be routine for an experienced player, but I noticed I'd let myself slide). I've already started. We'll see if it helps.

Otherwise, nothing much interesting today.

(Early morning) Those birds. You know, early summer, growing light, slowly awakening, lazily chattering, distantly calling birds. Them.

I have no protection against them. They were there in that tragical, magical first spring with Tommi - staying over in that funny little room in that old house used as temporary housing for employees of Espoo social services; staying awake all night, Tommi writing for Goblin Marshes 6, birds in the forest beyond the open window... If only one thing should stay, it would be that. The sound of those birds.

25 May 04: And Inwards Again

Didn't really work, this time either. I slept most of the weekend. When I wasn't asleep, I read or watched television. Yesterday - after another day spent in bed, when the plan was to go to a MARP, then to meet Susi, and none of these came to be - I at least had some contact with life, when Anni stopped here to prepare for her exams. We talked, had sauna, and it was almost like old times.

Not that it helped much with this sleeping thing: after Anni went to bed, I still read and watched videos until morning. And so today went past as well.

I came to think of something while keeping one eye on the final episodes of Babylon 5, which Kalle was watching (actually, it's not the only thing I've been thinking of lately, but this has been another of those funks where I don't much feel like writing, even about essential things). I no longer know how to deal with deep human feelings - sorrow, loss, love. At least I don't know how to react to them when they are presented to me on screen. I used to love watching emotional stories and feeling with them, but now... now there is this odd bafflement... not knowing how to react, what to think. It's not a sense of un-feeling, just not knowing how to respond. I mean - life is shit anyway, right? And we all die, sooner or later, and in a wider sense, soon enough in any case? And love always gets bogged down in the ugliness of everyday? So why should I feel sad for someone dying on the screen? If I felt sad for that, I should much more feel sad for everyone that is dying or suffering in the real world. And as to love, I can't help it, but watching sweet love stories has become simply embarrassing, as I no longer belong in the category of the young, beautiful, successful or even nice people to whom such things happen. Besides, loving someone means losing them in the end, which, as noted, in the larger sense is pretty much right now.

But, unfortunately, I am not bright enough to move from such trite, ordinary stories to more cerebral and philosophical art. I have several non-fiction books waiting on my shelves that I simply can't get into. Such as two books of essays by Eco, essential for anyone into meanings, right? But no. I can't even drag myself through The Golden Bough, which is pretty much required reading for someone who fancies herself a literary person!

(And, in the fan side of things, my efforts to find interesting stuff on "Firefly" have been largely non-successful. There is preciously little fan fiction, for example. Clearly people don't have enough taste. Also, the frenzy over the new Harry Potter movie has begun to bore me, which is weird, considering I expect the movie to be very good, and am very glad about this. I guess I'm not really a true Potterite. After all, I never got bored of the LOTR media bits.)

(And "Bad Girls" has turned boring, too!)

I guess I should just shut up and get back to some proper work.

21 May 04: Widening Gyre

Trying towards the borders of humankind, seeming to have some moderate success. Wednesday, watched six episodes of Firefly one after another with Seanna; am now a complete and most enthusiastic convert. We kept asking each other what could possibly have been moving in the heads of the people who decided to cancel the show; not much, that's for sure. Also, ate a humongous amount of pasta and oh-so-unhealthy ice cream. Thursday, saw Seanna off, went to have coffee and hang out around the St. Laurentius churchyard with Jukka, moaning at the desire to write games and the lack of suitably dynamic ideas to start with (which is, and has always been, my curse with any kind of writing: characters, dialogue, imagery I can do, but not dynamic plots). In the evening, drove to have a chat with Suvi and see her kittens (two months old now, they completely captured my heart and my fancy). WANT! Also got the brilliant idea of giving Mom a kitten for birthday, but the brilliance was soon dimmed because of impossible practicalities.

Friday, went to therapy and then to see Troy and have coffee with Auri. The film doesn't have much to recommend itself besides pretty boys in skirts and out of them, but the coffee conversation was enthusiastic and interesting.

(Not that I mind the pretty boys. I'm pretty much starved for any sort of male eye candy, not to mention any closer contact with any reasonably interesting specimen of said species, so pretty boys on film are quite fine with me.)

Hope to be asleep soon, which would mean getting back to tolerable hours.

18 May 04: Dry Whispers

I have managed, once more, to forget the meaning and usefulness of music. Stupid.

I'm getting tired of reading, also.

Zenya's kicking the would-be fiance's butt.

17 May 04: *Meow! Hsst!*

We have a visitor: a blue-furred gentleman to awaken the desires that have stayed inconveniently dormant in Zenya. So far, the results have been lots of distrust on all sides (said gentleman for Jero, and Zenya for said gentleman). We'll have to see what happens in the next two days.

I must say that I've turned tail and grown all excited about having kittens in the house since visiting Suvi earlier in the spring and seeming some adorable furballs again. I just hope everything goes well - if it does, it'll be easy for us, but if doesn't, it'll be a full-time job for a few weeks (I'm all willing to help, but it's not so much the time as the worry).

I dreamed of being in New Zealand last night, as part of a group visiting students of Finnish at a University there. Generally when I dream of that side of the world, the feeling of being somewhere really, really far away, almost magically elsewhere, is very strong, something I'm pretty sure it would not be in reality.

Slept far too long, again. No idea why.

16 May 04: (...Idea And Reality)

Well well, only got up in the afternoon, which should be no wonder after traipsing around in the night. I got so thorougly bored today that I went on with the odd courage flow and decided to meet people. Called Susi and arranged to meet her on Wednesday, then called the Q's and arranged to meet them for a drink or something later this evening. So I did, and again, ended up presenting a lot of opinions on roleplaying that I never dare to formulate anywhere else except to T & Q. It's really weird. Or, well, no, it's not, since they are some of the dearest, kindest, least frightening people ever. I just wish I would be able to put those thoughts into words otherwise, too. (But setting them down is so scary... they are never big and new opinions, just middleway thingies that happen to be mine.)

Ate far too much unhealthy stuff today. However, have conquered the Sayers and moved on to Forgotten Beasts of Eld (Seanna's library is one of the best I've seen; possibly, to my tastes, the best.)

I got back into real work with those costumes for the Q's, and feel really energetic about them. The fabrics are beautiful, and there's enough of both of them not to make the work a pain.

And I will, must, do some reconnecting with some people I... well, no more of that now. Perhaps later.

15 May 04: Between the Motion And the Act

(Sticking to the Eliot theme. Sticking to Eliot is always acceptable.)

Should have been much better today, after most of yesterday was spent in a dismal funk, as a result of which I was most asocial when Tomi dropped to visit. However, after he left and I had a nap to get better, I then naturally felt no inclination to sleep for most of the night, as proved by the fiddling done on the homepage. Once I got into bed, I kept on plodding through Sayers (who in those late books, now that I've become particular about getting the literary references, makes somewhat heavy going). So, no fleamarket-shopping today, as I had planned. Finally, late in the afternoon, I had had enough of living on the sofa and phoned Irrette, who happened to be on her way home and to the sauna, and invited me along. So: nice sauna company (it is more fun as a social thing, after all), easy chatting, lovely cats, and finally, those four last episodes of Buffy! Got home some time after midnight, had dinner (it slipped a bit) and now need to whisk the dog out for a bit yet.

Told Irrette my plan to finally get back to regular ballet class, starting next weekend. Now I've told you as well. I really couldn't afford it, but I'm just going to put that money there, no matter what. I must finally get off my ass and into regular excercise, and I know it won't happen without something that is a) a proper class and b) interesting to me. Just have to be realistic about it, concentrate on good form and getting back to shape, and set realistic goals all in all (like correcting my most characteristic mistakes). Can't expect it to happen overnight, no matter how familiar - or frustrating - it feels.

We'll see.

(Then) It's far too late into the morning, and I am floating drunk on the fragrance of bird-cherry flowers and the satisfaction on finally getting out and moving.

I long to fall in love - all this gorgeous exaltation is for nothing otherwise - but maybe it is just as well. It would be impossible and painful and bad for my self-confidence anyway.

Tonight, I suddenly found myself unburdening to Irrette, pouring out this sudden flood of terror I found bubbling inside yesterday: I am afraid of forgetting Tommi, the special-ness of loving him and him loving me. I have deliberately avoided dwelling in missing what we had in order to, at some stage, start dealing with what the bad parts of it did to me (I don't think I am really dealing with it yet, or ever have been - I don't suppose the victims of domestic violence really do unless forced to). But despite those parts, despite the horror of that side of the relationship, he is the only person I have ever truly had a larger-than-life love affair with, and I don't ever want that to fade into the distant-and-best-forgotten past into which the earlier relationship shit has been banished. He means more. Meant more. He was real. That other stuff never was. And it must never be set on the same level.

I don't want to forget. I won't.

14 May 04: Round the Prickly Pear

I have been completely useless this week. Completely, utterly, totally useless. And I am getting quite thoroughly fed up with this vicious cycle. Any time I try to get myself up and moving, I end up feeling exhausted and need to take double the time to recover.

Not only that, on Mother's Day, Mom could not let be, and we ended up having and argument, ending with my marching home and feeling horribly guilty over arguing on such a day, as my mother is quite inordinately fixated on such symbols as traditional holidays.

Oh yeah, had quite a nice time in Faravia. No complaints there (except for my own in-game endeavors, which really were not much to speak of, even this time). I nearly fainted out of heat in my woollen layers, but didn't. And I went through the whole game in high-heeled boots (to look taller, like dark elves were supposed to be) and didn't even manage to sprain anything while plodding through the woods. Those were some sort of accomplishments, anyway, but I could have got so much more out of it all, if only I had done more myself... dared more... stayed awake better...

And afterwards, relationship politics raised their ugly multi-headed shadows again and roared.

Apropos monsters, I promised to take care of both hairy thingies in the house this weekend, as the American football season has begun, and that means Kalle flying all over Europe on weekends. I'm finally feeling somewhat more up and in great need of company (ie. bored out of my skull, for once). But, once more, arranging to see people is so scary and embarrassing...

I'm also getting back the urge to write a larp. Of course it's a shitty job, but there are terribly few larps I'd like to go to at the moment, and... well, I was feeling the best and most energetic for a long time when the planning for FIV was still going good. The thing is, I'm never ever ever more going to put out a game that I cannot vouch for 100%, and I don't happen to have a team of likeminded people around me who would also be into fantasy, as I am.

(It seems I am only going to two larps this summer - three, if the werewolf campaign is included.)

I also got an idea for something dance-related to do, but we'll see.

And put up that long-planned costume picture page.

11 May 04: Tired, Again

The end of last week was awfully busy due to Faravia preparations. Had to make those black costumes (one for me, one for JukkaS, who was in our group and also lacked the basic bad guy apportments), hunt for black gloves and Susi's chainmail (which was suspected to still reside at Lummetie, but alas, did so no more). Also found the time to make it to therapy in time on Thursday as well (a record for this spring, woefully enough), to shop for costume decorations with Tiina, and to drop by Seanna's place to take a moment to be lazy among all the frenzy.

Will go on about the game in a moment. Now Sayers beckons me back.

04 May 04: Trying

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin, if the pin really gives it a try?

Went fleamarket-shopping. Made it to therapy in good time. Took part in a group meeting for Faravia. Feeling pretty normal for a moment. In relative terms, of course (after all, the most amusing bit about today is my having to come up with a black Bad Guy costume: I haven't ever needed one).

Haven't been opening up much lately. Will try to shape up.

Note to self: remember to buy black gloves.

02 May 04: *sigh*

Last week was even more erratic than usual: I got to waking up before sunrise and fell asleep again in the afternoon, probably due to the unnamed bug I may or may not have (had). So no matter how hard I had wanted to go to the Vappu parties first at Talo and then at Sopulilaakso, I just fell asleep ("just for a nap") sometime in the brightest afternoon and then - naturally - slept through all possible partying.

And I really did want to meet people at both those places.

I am feeling more awake, and I guess I should hope this lasts, but being awake simply makes me experience the frustration and weariness of lacking meaning even more sharply.

I don't know. I don't know why it must be like this. I don't know why I cannot just live. I don't know.