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You can still contact me at svaha@iki.fi |
29 Sep 04: LARP Dreams Somewhere among the fever sleep I dreamed of the vampire campaign's next game - and unlike so many times in reality, I actually had fun. I was given plots that gave my character the opportunity to succeed in something adventurous; to shine. I felt elated, satisfied, eager to go on to interaction with others... and then I woke up. And had my ideas of how we are not doing LARPs in the right way only strengthened. I mean, how many of us are stuck to useless, meaningless roles when the great plots go to the same people, every time? And how many times have we been in games that were completely static and boring, because the GM's tried to solve this inequality by making it just as dull for everyone (since making it just as exciting for everyone would, in the currently accepted Finnish model of LARPs, be simply impossible)? And since Some People will love to read this wrong: no, I'm not accusing the Helsinki Chronicle particularly. It's just a feature of our whole gaming culture. We need games that are geared to provide a great experience to players, and we need to admit that this won't happen if the aim is to please everyone involved equally. There's only so many scenarios to be had out of universal peace and harmony (in a suitably researched, authentic atmosphere, of course - isn't that all we can ask of a game, really? Not). We need games that dare to use NPC's, openly name them so, and not make people pay for them. And that way, maybe, those who agree to be NPC's at one time would know they get to be the heroes the next time over. Because I'd love to be a proper hero sometimes. At least sometimes. I'd be perfectly willing to play NPC to several games just so I'd have that one chance. And anyway, I'd rather agree to openly NPC than take on another unsuitable sideliner (it's no good denying their existence any more). Or maybe I'm just in a fever. I wouldn't even know how to create a game like that. But then again, I'm not an experienced game writer; never have claimed to be (or if I have, it has been in a fit of insanity and need to support A Certain Someone, probably). Yeah, definitely the fever. But it was such a great dream! 28 Sep 04: "King Arthur" Despite the cold that felled me pretty thoroughly, Suvi held me to my promise to go and see King Arthur with her. We came out agreeing that the horses were the best part, no question. I mean, I did not expect much besides mindless entertainment, having caught the basic gist of this particular "historical" interpretation of the story, but it was even worse than that. It was not really very entertaining, and there were such laughable logical errors - too many to count - that all one could do was make faces and hope it would be over soon. Like, people of the 4th century somewhere around the location of today's Ukraine calling their land "Rus"?? Seven horsemen make up a Roman military unit (or any version of the legendary "Knights" of Arthur) and are able to take on whole armies alone? The Saxons had this great and cunning plan to conquer Britain from the north, beyond Hadrian's wall? And where did they find those snowy crags in southern Scotland anyway? And - "Woads"? Please... It also bugs me enormously when winter and cold are not represented accurately in films. If it's below freezing point and snowing, people don't just lie down under bare sky and go to sleep, not without windproof shelter, full-cover furs and fires and snuggling together with others in the same predicament. At least, not if they still expect to wake up in the morning. Neither do they prance around in thin, off-the shoulder shifts. And the way the ice behaved in the lake fight scene was also wrong. Not that the dialogue was exactly sparkling, either. Some of the actors were rather nice to look at, but what a waste of talent, the whole thing! 27 Sep 04: Down Again What's there to say? Nothing good, really, and so many things that aren't good, or right, that I can't be bothered. And I seem to have caught a cold on top of it. 22 Sep 04: Diversions Another session of mostly shouting at Liisa - we have passed the basic ground covered (once again) in yesterday's entry and are currently trying to find a common language in talking about things beyond those particular arguments (such as my adamant belief of not having the right to... well, anything). I was frustrated and contrary: she used to make sense, now she doesn't. I was grateful to be able to take the car, to make it in time (several people managed to call me and get me up despite my having gone to sleep around nine am, but I dithered over showering and getting dressed, as usual). Still, can't make that a habit (that it's almost becoming), and anyway, driving back from Lauttasaari during the worst afternoon rush hour is just on this side of intolerable. I just don't get why all those people prefer to sit and stew for an hour or more in their cars every day, when public transportation is so much less stressful - and in many cases faster, too... Saw Jukka after that; had dinner and talked about his vacation and my net reading, among other things. Varekai did not, surprisingly, shake me off my (nearly nonexistent) perch this second time round. I love the music, but the main clown act is simply bad - it tries to be embarrassingly funny but only ends up being embarrassing, and boring - and I actively dislike the Georgian dancers. Some of the performances are awesome, though, and the costumes, lights and sound effects are on par with the music. Still, it's that music that keeps haunting me. I had almost forgot the "Earthsea" mini-series for Sci-Fi Channel in December, but now went to check on it - unfortunately, as it only seems more and more disappointing. They've changed the story much, much more than I find acceptable or even comprehensible (the Kargish king at the Tombs, having sex with Kossil, of all people! Roke wizards hurling fireballs from the school walls at attacking Kargites! Ged and Vetch meeting for first time under the eyes of a dragon! Ged and Tenar of an age and falling in love! Tenar called by that name. Tenar smiling, dammit! And that's only the start of it...). Not only that, the look doesn't seem to be anything unexceptional. I find that I have a very definite vision of the people and the milieu in my head - much more definite than with Tolkien, for example - and so many things are just wrong. So, no cookie with this one. Blech. Another very odd email today. No idea what to think of it. Also, I want to stop being not-friends with certain people. 21 Sep 04: ...And Get Stuck A couple of non-days and aimless nights again. And yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking - funnily enough, mostly on the basis of the last season of Buffy, which I also borrowed from the Q's. I suppose this proves me once and for all as a superficial person stuck at some far-retarded point of development, but there it is. So I've been floating these pieces of dialogue in my head. One side is an imaginary nice person, sort of a What-You-Can-Learn-From-Buffy personified; one side is... well, I was going to say the realist in me, but even I can see that would be a bit think, so let's just say... me. The Thing Itself, so to speak. "Don't you think the message is simply that you must not give up?
That the worst thing you can do is stop trying?" And now I'm sure we've both had enough of this. Could just as well watch that Varekai, I suppose. 18 Sep 04: And Suddenly, You Stop to Think I borrowed Cirque du Soleil's Varekai from the Q's last night, to re-watch it. And I can't. Can't get myself to do it, as it would only make me feel inadequate and un-accomplished. No, not because I should somehow measure up to those unearthly circus professionals, the best in the world, but because I should be producing something beautiful instead of just shutting myself down and sitting inside getting fatter all the time. Except I can't, and don't even have the courage to try. Not even for just a walk with the dog, because even the common beauty of the autumn night (not that beauty can ever be common, really) would be too painful. Because it should be inspiration that leads to something, and I can't face the juxtaposition of inspiration and total, complete inadequacy. "What are you talking about, all artists, both pros and amateurs, face that all the time," I can hear you saying already. Yes, that is true. What stops one to think is that even that is something that scares me to death. Even just watching one video of beautiful and inspirational things. Even just going out to the night and the leaves and the wind. So I suppose I am not okay, even if one thing is - perhaps - again slightly more functional. 17 Sep 04: Glimpses Yesterday, hopefully, served as a push towards a path that goes at least slightly upwards, for a change. Tiina, Ego and Sarkku dropped by, and Tiina and I made more clothes plans. Tonight, Heli came to shop and make pizza with me, and I am now rather more certain that I can finish her renaissance dress so that it will look perfect (well, high time and more!). We had quite a job in finding proper green dye, as Dylon's basic green appeared too light on the box, but in the end I chose to trust the newer boxes and took it anyway. I have now coloured the cotton-mix brocade meant for Tiina and the raw silk meant for Moira's cloak lining - the latter worked fine, but the former has either too much finish or too much synthetics on it, and only became rather light green with the pattern not taking much colour on at all. The result is very pretty, with the more pronounced contrast of the pattern (it was a uniform cream before), but it's nowhere near the nice leaf-green we wanted, and I don't think it will go with the design we came up with. Blah. I was so used to machine dyeing working fine that I'm quite put out now. Oh well, perhaps I can find some use for it. The weekend will be spent buried under sewing (and this means real work, not just worrying over sewing I should be doing but keep pushing further!) That's about the good news. They're small compared to all the unhappy things that are still there and still miserable, but at least I'm able to function in some ways again. And it is good, truly good, to see people one can be comfortable with - I've almost forgot what it's like when one can just relax in someone's company and not worry about what to say or how they will respond - to my words, to me. Didn't get enough sleep last night. Should have been in bed hours ago. But... well, when the days are inherently empty of purpose, one goes on stretching them beyond reason in the hope that something might turn up at the last moment to make them less so. 15 Sep 04: Weak A small good thing: the silver "Pusta oakleaf" brooch was found - I impulsively loaned it to QHeli last year when delivering her tunic and promptly forgot all about it; she didn't realise it was there at all and only found it now. Another small good thing: a long phonechat with Moira. Otherwise, nothing new. Panic has receded from touching distance, but is still well within sight; mostly just tired and weak and disappointed with people. One more good thing is that taking my email address off my front page seems to have reduced the amount of spam in my email by a surprisingly large percentage. Surprisingly, because the address is still on every page after that. I wish I had known it's this easy. 14 Sep 04: Explanations I read what I wrote yesterday and realised it might be read to mean that Anu and Vera took the conversation to my problems against my will and were somehow making me feel bad. I didn't mean to say that at all - no, it's just that the subject came up (and I really don't know how it got to that: as I said, I'd planned not to, but I've never felt the need to say "I don't want to talk about that, stop now, please", because, well, I just don't). Anu as a decent person took it up as she wanted to help, and understandably got frustrated when I rejected her suggestions, and I got feeling guilty that it's so difficult; that I'm so difficult. It's just that many people have tried to offer advice and encouragement, but they generally don't realise two things: one, that this dead end is so bad because it's not just one thing, but many, that are impossible; and two, that just giving me one push in some direction does not help. It's not about just a single change of course. I wish it was! No, the problem is, one gathers all of one's meagre energy into that first step, takes it - and then it doesn't lead anywhere. The next step is just as impossibly high and complicated, and one has already used up all one's courage. I don't know if it might get easier after many of those steps have been conquered: I have never got that far. No-one so far has understood that that one push is not enough. It has made me rather contrary to any offers of help, as I am afraid of the backlash - of their accusing me of not trying at all, or of not being grateful. This is actually a very important point that I can't stress enough to possible readers of these notes that might have depressed friends or family. Don't be surprised and disappointed that that one push isn't enough. If you want to help, be prepared for a long haul. (Night) The darkness is towering over, and though it should be familiar by now, it's not - it's terrifying. I'm frozen at the doorstep of emptiness, trembling and hurting. I don't know anything anymore. Hurtful people, hurtful words, hurtful misunderstandings, inability for action, inability for words, incompetence, fear. Fear of not being good enough; not having a right to exist, to be as worthy as other people. So much fear even when one does manage to accomplish something, one knows it's not good enough; not real, not proper; that one will be found out for being a pretender... So much fear, any communication becomes too meaningful, too big, too difficult to manage. Just one example: I read this book by Ruth Rendell with a precise and cruel portrayal of a horrible psychopath, and now I keep thinking I'm no better than that woman. No, I wouldn't expect to start killing people, but she was portrayed as a despiccable creature in every other sense already, and some of those... She was also debilitated by fear of being found out, fear of not being good enough: she was illiterate. And she wanted everything to stay constant in her little world and couldn't relate to people. And ate an awful lot. And her imagination was dead. And she was terribly, terribly unpleasant. I'm behaving like a hypochondriac, I know. But I'm terrified anyway. 13 Sep 04: Fear, Naked Slept long, as Liisa had to cancel due to flu. Met Anu in town to have coffee, then went together to hang out at Vera's. Had strict plans to be politely social; ended the evening in tears because once again, talk had turned into my lack of life, inability to do anything about it, and the many and varied forms of said inability. Don't know what will come of it, if anything. Just tired, hurting and headachy - and feeling loads of guilt over letting it go to that, when the plan was to prove I could be just, you know, just nice company. Seems to be beyond me. No wonder that all those people I cared about, and tried to be with during these past couple of years, have turned elsewhere. I just don't know how to be in any way social anymore. Better stop writing here; not drag oneself deeper into misery. Don't know if trying will help; if anything will help. Honestly don't know. In trying to explain the bottommost truths to Anu & Vera, came again face to face with the fact that simple survival isn't enough: there must be something meaningful I am able to do, or there's just no point in living. Not really. 12 Sep 04: The Need to Dissemble It does not often come to pass that I wish I was a better liar, but now I do. Yesterday's game was better for me than it might have been, but I could not quite forget all the things that made me uncomfortable, and afterwards I didn't quite manage to stick to shutting up, as I had planned to. No, it was not at all a _bad_ game, it's just that I hate playing an active plotter - and that is what my character was in practice even though she didn't find herself to be so in thought (a religious fanatic with the mission to bring sinners to their justice: unpleasant death, most of the time) - and I hate contacts that need to be initiated from my side - and I hate being tricked by the GM's. These are all my problems, and might be just what someone else loves... just not me. So why did I not complain beforehand? Because it was a small game, and I feared there would be no alternative - even that if I expressed displeasure with the character (even though I might still be willing to play), they might say they want to give it to someone who likes it better. That has happened to me, so it's not a fear completely without grounds. Of course, I should have tried to talk about it constructively - but would that really have changed anything? And I didn't trust myself to be able to frame everything nicely enough; I know I get defensive. And I was afraid. I thought maybe I could have just gone through it and not make a sound, and maybe in the future, if I played nicely enough, well enough, I might get another try in these people's games, with a character that was better suited for me. Now, all in all, of course I shouldn't wish for being a better liar, but for being a more positive-natured person all in all, so there would be no need to cover up feelings of disappointment; so there would be none. Should I then give up gaming until I'm no longer depressed at all? But what if it still is something that gives me purpose and that at least occasionally is really great? And what if I never get non-depressed at all? (No, I don't like that thought, but a couple of people around me have expressed it lately, so maybe it's time I start trying to face it, too.) Oh well, I guess it's time for another lengthy, apologetic explanation. No, I didn't shout at them or anything... I just expressed displeasure, and no matter how much one tries to say it's just an unhappy coincidence, it tends to mean less chance of getting in in the future. And I can understand why. It didn't make yesterday any easier that a person there was wearing something that reminded me acutely of the ugliest misunderstanding on Friday. I still don't know what to do about that one, as I had just wanted to forget the whole thing, but then Anni reminded me of the actual value of my work and told me not to let people to walk all over me. It was a good talk, and sensible advice, but I don't know. We'll see. I was also asked if I might want to save a kitten that had been taken on by someone who turned out to be severely allergic, but I decided against it. It was too young, and I've had bad experiences on young kittens' housetraining; I'm still not sure I can support even myself, far less another living creature; and if I want to risk Zenya being stressed and unhappy in adjusting to another cat, I want it to be a really really special cat. But mostly, not yet, not until money matters are back normal, again. (Later) All ready for sleep again, though it's not even eleven and I woke up some time after one, having slept twelve hours. Yes, I only slept for three hours the night before, but even so, this seems another proof of the exhaustion created by any sustained social activity I manage to take part in... Have to leave everything until tomorrow - such as those emails to GM's. 10 Sep 04: Conflicts Several ugly misunderstandings happened almost exactly at the same time - and these are not even opinion things, just completely honest misunderstandings, but with enough add-ons that they've heaped colossal misery on top of the ordinary discomfort. Oh, except for... well. The Vampire thing. That one's not a misunderstanding, it's refusal to understand. But better not start on that at all, in light of recent mis-readings. (Later) A couple of long phonecalls helped a bit. I'm still not too optimistic about tomorrow's game - the character is so unlike anything I'd find pleasant to play that I can't really even find the spots that need more clarification for my own peace of mind, and I feel that by now the GM's would only be irritated if I started asking questions I should have asked days ago to be properly prepared. My best hope now seems to be to shut up, go there and not make a noise either way - and remind myself that it's my own choice to go; that I decided long ago that the pros outweight the cons. I just wish I didn't have to repair my corset. 09 Sep 04: Stuttering Managed to stay awake yesterday through the night and day, so got to therapy (though late, after a coffee with Lissu where I typically had too much to say for the time). Argued, again. Liisa thinks we're getting somewhere, I think we're talking about frustrating nothings. There's no air of using intelligence for actually increasing understanding; no solving mysteries; just stuff that is boring and somewhat ugly, nothing scary but simply unpleasant to me personally. And I refuse to believe such small, and small-minded, things could be the chains that tie me down in dank caves under mountains. Since yesterday was the first undeniable autumn day, my back took notice, and today I've been invalid with sciatica, as could be expected. Sciatic nerve is the big one that goes down from the lower backbone to the legs; it's been acting up periodically ever since that year when I trained really, really hard. I didn't pull my back or anything, my spine's just a bit overcurved in that area, and I probably stressed it too much, overcompensating for my notably lacking back extension. There's really nothing one can do when the sciatic pain appears except to wait it out (and take heavy painkillers if necessary). It'll probably adjust to the climate change soon enough; it usually does. I don't have the money to go to ballet lessons after all; not even now. This doesn't make me happy. Seanna was here on Saturday: we talked a lot, and I got a lot to think about. It was driven home to me that I've really lost the idea of how to deal with people: it's always been hard to become friends in the first place, and now I've got completely paranoid over not being able to keep them anyway. I don't know what to expect from others, or how to express what I expect from them. And I certainly don't know how to argue anymore. I've become scared and closed, when I used to be open and expressive. At least about emotional things. Now I'm not even that. I'm apprehensive and unhappy about the game on Saturday. I can't figure out what is expected of me, and I know I should have asked a long time ago. Also, I'm fat and ugly, not having got up and out for weeks, and it can't be helped in two days. And it's the last game I have in sight for now, so I should really take it with the proper attitude... I'm working on a translation for P&P (it has to be finished by tomorrow) and wondering why people give me these things - I'm not good, not a silver-tongued genius, not a born translator (that's what they told me at the English Department, and where would that have changed?). I know I'm not, so I don't dare to take one of those tests for freelance work, even though several people have urged me to. It's not easy money, really - I would just procrastinate for ever, knowing it would not be perfect enough anyway. (Night) While moving stuff from the basement closets to the new sewing room (Anni's former room) I came across a box which had, among other, more coincidental mementoes, three tutus and about a million pairs of pointe shoes. And I didn't even save them all! Quite a few of them are, after drying in the box for some years, in pretty good shape, too. And I actually have a completely unused pair (and one nearly so) somewhere among my more recently needed exercise attire. I find it difficult to believe that there were so many, in such a short time of active use. And I have no idea what to do with the tutus - I certainly won't be needing them any more. One is small: Mom brought it from London when I was twelve or something, and that one will stay with me, of course. The other two are regular practice tutus: one white, with some haphazard embellishments; one blue, with a darker blue top layer and blue feathers and gold sequins on the front. The latter was used for the Bluebird variation in the old ballet school's "Summer" divertissement to (mostly) Tchaikovsky's music (and yes, I did the "real" choreography, with the jumps on pointe - my ankles were one of my few advantages in ballet). I can only wish I had been wise, and open enough, to see other ways of dancing besides classical ballet, when I was still young enough that it might have got me somewhere. But no - I was so ridiculously narrow-minded and set in my views then. Not only with dancing; with everything. There was only one way that was right; that was the most worthy; nothing else was worth a thing. I was the world champion of tunnel vision. As I've said: everything has come, and continues to come, to me lamentably late. 06 Sep 04: Sliding I don't think I'm too well. I mean, I'm not miserable, at least not more than usual, I just don't have the energy or the ability to do anything except sleep irregular hours and take in mindless information and/or entertainment. And I'm really, really mad at Liisa, who was supposed to solve the mystery of why I have no self-confidence and instead just mountains of fear, and not start pushing me when no such solution has appeared. I mean, if it were as simple as "just doing it", there would be no problem, would there? And yet the problem exists. 01 Sep 04: Nauseatingly Tired No, not physically (except for the nausea being quite physical, unfortunately). And not even because I just spent two days and nights at Suvi's place, sewing a dress for her. She worked her butt off to help, too, but the outfit was rather complicated and took a lot of time and patience and attention to detail - she still has to do some sewing by hand to finish the hem(s) off. Turned out rather nice, I think, but the final judgement will come in after she wears it... Still, these days were rather trying for one's neck and one's patience, and I'm pretty much convinced that sewing isn't a full-time career option after all - the satisfaction is not in proportion to the toil and trouble. Apropos careers, I found another mention of a program for Uni dropouts, and this one had the final application date as Sep 30, instead of Sep 6!! (And this right after I had a screaming match with Liisa over whether there is a future worth working for... I mean, of course, that I screamed. And wept.) Liisa keeps telling me I have deliberately (though of course subconsciously) chosen to surround myself with, or at least try to fit myself into, a group of people whose dynamic is pathologically neurotic. I keep telling her I can't help it if I want to do stuff that is also done by people who are incompatible with me. And I don't want to stop, and I don't want to go away, no matter how much easier it would be for certain people (though Liisa also says it wouldn't, really, as they would need to find a new communal scapegoat). The scapegoat thing is something I'm finally beginning to take seriously, and it's a very real argument in favour of stopping keeping a public diary. It's so very easy to shift the blame to someone who, after all, is "not quite okay", whether that issue has anything to do with the problem in question or not. Not everything is about whether one is "healthy" or "non-healthy" - things are also about nature and temperament. And it seems to be true that I'm trying to fit in with people who are not equipped to fit in someone who is not a rationalist-intellectualist (or one so apologetic for not being such that they take on an extensively warm, sweet and submissive face, never to be anything but accommodating). Yes, it would be nice if things always went smoothly, and I've worked very, very hard to try and make them so. It doesn't work always. I keep gathering up more and more shame and despair because of it. And yet some people keep telling me that not every group and every hobby is like this. But what can I do if this is the one I care about? I can't - I won't - go about endlessly apologising and taking blame, but getting rid of one's social role is almost impossible, and the worst part is, it gets even uglier when one really tries (such as not admitting to blame for stuff that was not one's fault, re: Ropecon this year). But even then, I'm not prepared to give this journal up. At least not yet, not while things are more or less as they are now. There might come a more complete change, some day, but not for now. The third part of Reynolds' sci-fi trilogy, Absolution Gap, has been brilliant in its first third, and has already more than made up for the mildly uninteresting middle part. I'm really interested in seeing if it can deliver on its promises. I think I am, after all, going to apply for a job that was at first interesting, then on closer look intimidating. (As a sidenote: if I had a regular job, I might even try to begin persuading Suvi to sell Ama to me (she's the most shy of Suvi's ocicats, but an absolute darling, and Suvi's tried to find her a new home ever since Delen's youngest kitten, Sati, stayed). Yes, we have Jero, but he's only big and scary-looking; any cat living here has learned very quickly that he a) won't bother with them if they don't want to play b) can't reach them anyway. And yes, we have Zenya, but she is also shy and sweet-natured, and I think she and Ama might have a good shot at getting along nicely. But I'd need to be able to prove I can take care of a pedigree animal before I even started on those objections. I just think Ama is incredibly sweet, and my heart went out to her (and was lost) with her low place in the group and Sati especially being a real little bully to her... Though I think Suvi's recently changed her plans and decided to find another home for the kitten, after all.) |